Over the past year or so that I have been single, when I have been faced with seemingly simple dating situations, such as first dates with people I met online or friends setting me up with women they think I have a lot in common with, I inevitably complicate my approach and subsequent decisions regarding said situations by factoring in my fluid work situation as a college basketball coach.

You see, I can’t just date any girl that I find interesting and attractive; she also has to be willing/able to deal with the fact that my work schedule is very unpredictable. What this ultimately means is that I need to find someone who not only knows I am going to put her first in every situation I have control over, but also understands and accepts that I won’t necessarily always have the luxury of that control the way other guys with more conventional jobs would.

Recently, I went out on a first date with a woman, and I had to push the start time of the date back by over an hour because I got stuck late at work. Essentially, I was trapped in a meeting up until the time we were supposed to meet without being able to inform her of my situation. Fortunately, when I finally got back to my office and talked to her, she was very understanding and suggested an alternative plan for us.

While most people might be appreciative of her gesture to me it meant something more because of the fact that I need someone who doesn’t take those types of situations personally, and is willing to help ease the pressure of my crazy schedule by adjusting on the fly. For some, her understanding wouldn’t have meant that much, but given my situation I found it quite endearing.

Ultimately, we all have things going on in our lives that can potentially complicate our relationships, which is why it’s important that we think about the characteristics we would like someone we are dating to possess. In the end, everyone has their issues, so it is important that we surround ourselves with and date people that don’t mind dealing with those issues because that is one of the ways we determine who is ultimately “right” for us.

I think one of the most underrated elements of a romantic relationship is not necessarily whether the two people have a lot in common or get along very well but, rather, is the other person someone you enjoy doing nothing with; do you want to waste your time with them? Does their sheer presence, without uttering a word or glancing in your direction, make you feel better or warm inside?

When meeting new people and potentially entering into new relationships, one of the first things I think about is whether this is a person who I connect with, and enjoy being with so much that we don’t need to be doing anything in order to have a good time. Fancy dinners or evenings out can be fun with many different people; however, I believe that truly meaningful relationships are founded on whether or not you can have a great time together regardless of the setting or pretenses.

Walking in circles while holding hands, and simply talking for hours, can be fun dates. So can sitting down to watch television sitcom reruns and lying in bed for hours talking, even after you’ve both declared you’re tired, simply because you both don’t want to wrap up the conversation. It’s like every time you are together you don’t want the moment to end because you know when you leave each other those same things won’t be as fun.

Deep down I hope to find someone who I want to waste my time with because when I’m with them the time isn’t really wasted, at all.

One of my best friends has been flirting with the idea of joining 100hookup for some time now. Ever since I first joined at the beginning of the summer whenever we hang out he asks me about it and expresses his interest, however, he has been unable to pull the trigger. His procrastination is probably due to the fact that he meets a lot of women, and goes out on dates pretty much every week, so a part of him is probably pretty content with his current dating life.

However, in spite of the volume of women he meets, and number of dates he goes on, I suspect that deep down he knows that 100hookup would be a great resource to him because it would give him the opportunity to meet different types of women that he otherwise would have probably never met. I think that part of the problem that people like my friend run into is that even though they have an active dating life and are meeting a bunch of people every week, they are meeting the same type of person.

For example, if you go to the same bars and hang out with the same people you are going to be limited to a general type of person who enjoys that particular bar and works or hangs out with the people you know. Therefore, while you may not necessarily be limited by the number of people you meet that are potentially datable, you are still keeping yourself from meeting people from other circles. It is a result of this limitation that I believe directly correlates to why my friend’s dates never seem to turn into relationships because ultimately he is just replicating the same dating situation over and over with the same type of girl.

This is why I believe that the online dating community would open up his dating world to women that he would have otherwise never met, since unlike his usual bars, 100hookup is populated by people of all different personalities, backgrounds and ideologies. You see, my friend has inadvertently put himself in a box, like so many of us have during our dating careers.  That’s fine for a time, but whether it be with the people you are meeting in bars, or those you are trying to start conversations with online, sometimes you have to go outside your box and shake things up a little bit, which in the example of my friend, would be joining the online community and having the chance to meet all different types of interesting women.

Over the last year I have blogged for 100hookup, which has been a great experience me.  I’ve been able to self-reflect and memorialize some of my zany dating experiences…and there have been a few.  What have I learned?  I’ve learned to expect the unexpected and that you cannot control people or relationships.  You can only control your role, character and actions/reactions. But most of all, I’ve learned that life is precious and fleeting, and all the success in the world means nothing without great friends, family and that special someone who  makes your smile a little bigger to share.  In light of the recent Julia Robert’s movie, Eat, Pray, Love, I guess the most important lesson learned is to take a gamble because you just never know.  When all is said and done, you can feel comforted by having had a SWEETADVENTURE and no regrets.

A lot of things, unexpected, complicated, fragile, fleeting, tough, fun, mysterious, serendipitous, comical… a friend passed last week unexpectedly.  Sadly, in our busy lives it often takes a tragedy to make you stop and reassess things. Your priorities.  What matters most.  How irrelevant some things are.  How drama is a ridiculous waste of energy and how relationships really are what life is about.   All the financial security in the world means nothing without someone to make your good times great and bad times bearable.  Okay, I’ll get off of my soapbox.  I guess such moments just make you realize you can search for that perfect fit all you want or you can choose to build a relationship and it may grow into what you had hoped for all along.  I’m excited about that choice and retiring from the merry-go-round of dating.

How does a relationship get off the ground? Obviously meeting and feeling an attraction is the first step in this process. I believe in our society relationships are projected as fairy tales. For those of us who have been in a relationship, we know this is usually way off of the mark. Everyone loves that feeling of euphoria, but rarely does it last. If it did, our society would be walking on cloud nine and in my opinion the world would have a lot less problems.

However, I digress. Once the feeling of euphoria dissipates the true relationship comes into focus. This is where those littlie idiosyncrasies come into play. He leaves toothpaste on the counter and she jabbers on and on about nothing. Sometimes, even in my line of work, I’m amazed when a relationship endures.  The good news is they can endure and a lot of them actually do! The key is to create moments of euphoria and learning the art of compromise. Chose your battles and communicate honestly and frequently! Once couples get this down then the true relationship begins.

Dear Gems from Jen,
 
I met a really nice man on 100hookup a couple of months ago. We went on a date and felt an immediate connection. At the time, I was casually dating some other men and told Mr. P that I was not looking for an exclusive relationship. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 7 years and was not ready for a commitment. He seemed to be fine with my choice. I never asked him what he did when we were apart and vice versa. As we started spending more time together, we became intimate and we made a deal that we would be exclusive in that regard only for obvious reasons. He recently found out that I was going on a date with somebody else and kind of freaked out on me accusing me of being deceitful because I told him I was meeting a friend. Mr. P and I do not have an exclusive relationship. He has never shared with me what he was expecting or what he wanted from me. He recently told me he needed some time to think things over and would not talk to me until then. I feel like a scolded child who has been given the cold-shoulder treatment and I don’t like it. Did I do anything wrong? I am new to dating and puzzled by all the drama involved in relationships building. I do like Mr. P very much and would be sad to see him go but I don’t want to sit around and wait for him to decide to talk to me again. Please help me to sort out my feelings.

- Hurt and Confused
 
Dear Hurt and Confused,
 
I can understand why you are feeling this way, however I can also see Mr. P’s point of view as well.  The two of you made a deal, but it seems to me a big piece of the deal was left out of the negotiations.
 
I’m curious as to why you would agree to be exclusive sexually, but not exclusive in the entire dating arena. It sounds to me as if you need to decide what it is you are looking for in terms of a relationship.  If you are looking to date casually, then by all means, date casually.  There is nothing wrong with not entering into a committed relationship until you feel ready.
 
You cannot have it both ways. Sleeping with one person, on what sounds like, a regular basis, then going on casual dates with other suitors makes for a very confusing message, not only to you, but to Mr. P as well.
 
Once two people become physically intimate with one another the relationship tends to change. You both had expectations that were not discussed and now both of you are feeling hurt and confused. My guess is Mr. P. believed you were not dating other people and now feels betrayed that you were not completely honest with him. Even though your pattern with this man was to stay out of each other’s lives when you were not spending time together.
 
Do yourself and Mr. P. a favor and let him know exactly what you expect and want from this relationship. You need to be honest with Mr. P and tell him exactly where you stand.  You stated that you liked Mr. P. a lot, so pick up the phone and have a candid conversation with him. Honesty is the best policy here.
 
Signed,
 
Gems from Jen

How does the past mark the future of how we behave now while dating? For me I know it has had an important impact.  I’ve compared and contrasted while in the process of getting to know someone. How can you or I change this?  We all do it, and unless we can begin something new with a clean slate we will never attain what we are searching for.

Firstly, it is time to let go. Learn from the past relationships. Decide what was good and what was not so good.  Take those lessons with you, but put those people away and close the door.

Secondly, be prepared for the new people to remind you of that last person and/or relationship. Don’t be surprised. We tend to repeat patterns and if they are positive healthy patterns let the process work. If the new person is pushing the same buttons and triggering negative emotions move on and move forward.

Thirdly, remember dating is practice. It teaches us what we want and don’t want. Nothing is ever perfect and if we hold onto the past the future will never come. Remember, stop and pay attention. Let go and enjoy yourself.