What do you want to change about yourself, your life, and what are you waiting for to finally make those changes? A friend of mine was ready to buy a home but was waiting for her boyfriend to ask her to move in. Another friend wanted to chop 16 inches off her hair but couldn’t forget the ex who told her that men like women with their hair long. One guy I know desperately wants to change his career, but his girlfriend doesn’t think it’s a good idea. Then there are the people I know who want to be in a relationship but aren’t willing to admit they need to change some things about themselves — to grow up and mature — even though they know deep down inside they need to change those things to become a better person on the inside.

Why should we wait for someone else to either change our lives for us or to keep us complacent? So what if my friend buys a condo just for her boyfriend to ask her to marry him the next day? She can lease the place for a few years. If my friend wants to donate her hair to locks of love and then meets a guy who loves long hair, well guess what?, it will grow back. If that guy doesn’t do what he’s passionate about for a living, he will resent his girlfriend forever, so either she supports him, or he needs to move on. Finally, it’s really difficult to look inside and see the things you need to change about yourself, but wouldn’t you rather figure them out for yourself than have someone else point them out to you? And wouldn’t you rather do the work while you’re single rather than in a relationship? And don’t you see how you’ll probably attract your Beshert once you’ve bettered yourself?

Change. It is a comin’.

Don’t get stuck in a relationship because you like the “idea” of the relationship, you need to love being in the relationship as much as — or more — than you like being alone. Don’t enter into a relationship because you like the “idea” of the other person, you need to love the other person as much as (although not more than) you love yourself. The idea of you and me should make you happy, should make you see the future, should inspire you and excite you. It won’t always be pretty, life never is, but do you really want to live your life based on an “idea”?

They say 1 in 5 relationships start online, but I think it’s more when it comes to the hookup community. I know way too many couples who met on 100hookup® to believe that it’s only 20%. It’s gotta be way more at this point, when you start counting from Generation X and onward (ie. the ones who are both technologically savvy and who were also the ones single when 100hookup began). I have more than a few cousins and know more friends than I count who met on 100hookup. If I actually did the math, I’m almost positive it would be more than 20%. But still, I like the publicity of the general statistic because it normalizes online dating. Guess what? Online dating IS normal! If you’re hookup, single and not on 100hookup, then what are you waiting for?

When assessing the components of a healthy relationship, one should look back to your earliest relationships in life. As a faculty member at an elementary school, I can see my early relationships staring me in the face every day. Asking me to tie their shoes and crying. Do you have any idea how often kindergarteners need their shoes tied? If you already know the answer, then you probably don’t work at an elementary school.

Despite the flawed logic of my past two sentences, I am going to compare things now. At the age of five, people don’t generally know concepts such as humility, embarrassment, or shame. For example, when a young person’s nose starts to run profusely, instead of getting a tissue, they let it run until their face is an indiscernible green mess and then they start crying and then they poop their pants. It always occurs in that order. Always.

Young children pretty much let it all hang out in all situations. They tend to gravitate to people they like and don’t care about anything else. There are no cliques, and I think that is the reason. The only reason that people join cliques is because they feel insecure about a variety of things. Five-year-olds don’t know anything, and insecurity is something. I think if a five-year-old befriended somebody of the opposite sex, they should just stay with that person forever. If that is not possible, then they should somehow reconnect with the other person later in life. They originally befriended each other without clogging their minds with superficialities. Of course, the real world application of this theory is probably not possible. Therefore, 100hookup is the next best thing.

My little brother (who is 6 inches taller than I am) and I used to hang out a lot. I wanted a t-shirt to read “——> I’m NOT with him!” or “—–> He’s my brother!” so that single guys wouldn’t not talk to me because they thought we were a couple. I know a lot of opposite gender siblings who are very close, as well as some former lovers, in addition to people who are just friends, and I think it’s actually a detriment to them and their desire to meet someone. Of course, I’m not saying you shouldn’t hang out with your opposite gender relatives and friends; I’m just saying not to do it all the time. Or to make sure you’re sending the right signals to the singles and making sure your body language says “relatives” or “just friends” to your +1. Or even go ahead and make a t-shirt; if nothing else, it’s a conversation starter!

Across the board, almost without fail, people tend to forget about their friends when they start a new relationship. It’s a nasty habit, and singles ought to make a pledge not to forget about the people who were there for them (and will be there for them if and when this current relationship ends). It’s always the same tune, different song: when you’re single and looking you surround yourself with your single friends for going out and your coupled-up friends for hanging out. Then once you start dating someone and it gets serious you instantly drop all your friends and become completely immersed in the new relationship. Your single friends are put by the wayside, and only once your relationship reaches the level of double-dating do you commence communicating with your coupled-up friends. Your single friends only resurface after you either have “The Talk” or break-up. That is, if they stick around long enough. I think it’s natural to want to hang out with other couples when you become one of them, but it’s sad when you lose sight of your devoted friends during a new phase in your life.

I understand why it happens: when you’re on the inside of something new, you want to spend all of your free time together, and when you can’t be together, you’re on the phone or texting or emailing because it’s new and exciting and you’re getting to know each other better and falling in love. And even if you do pay some attention to your friends, your mind wanders back to your new relationship, and you don’t focus well on listening to what they have to say. Or all you do is talk about your new relationship until your friends lose their minds.

When we’re the single friends being left out to dry we hate it, yet we do the same thing when it’s our turn. So let’s all make a promise not to forget about our friends (or bore them to death with every last detail of our new relationship) when we become somebody’s boyfriend of girlfriend. You will need and want your friends one day – whether this relationship makes it or not – so show them how much you appreciate them by not ditching them the minute you find love.

Remember that TLC song “What About Your Friends?”
What about your friends?
Will they stand their ground?
Will they let you down?
What about your friends?
Are they gonna be low down?
Will they ever be around?
Or will they turn their backs on you?

Epic words, right? But across the board, almost without fail, people tend to forget about their friends when they start a new relationship. It’s a nasty habit and singles ought to make a pledge not to forget about the people who were there for them before and will be there for them if and when this current relationship ends.

It’s always the same tune, different song: When you’re single and looking to surround yourself with your single friends. Then once you start dating someone and it gets serious you instantly drop all your friends and being completely immersed in the new relationship. Your single friends are put by the wayside and only once your relationship reaches the level of double-dating, do you commence communicating — with your coupled-up friends. Your single friends only resurface after you either have “The Talk” or break-up. That is, if they stick around long enough.

I think it’s natural to want to hang out with other couples when you become one of them, but it’s sad when you lose sight of your devoted friends during a new phase in your life. I understand why it happens: When you’re on the inside of something new you want to spend all of your free time together and when you can’t be together you’re on the phone talking or texting or emailing because it’s new and exciting and you’re getting to know each other better and falling in love. And even if you do pay some attention to your friends your mind wanders back to your new relationship and you don’t focus well on listening to what they have to say. Or all you do is talk about your new relationship until your friends lose their minds. And the worst part is you’re so self-involved you don’t even realize what you’re doing.

When we’re the single friends being left out to dry we hate it, yet we do the same thing when it’s our turn. So let’s all make a promise not to forget about our friends (or bore them to death with every last detail of our new relationship) when we become somebody’s boyfriend or girlfriend. You will need and want your friends one day – whether this relationship makes it or not – so show them how much you appreciate them by not ditching them the minute you (possibly) find love.

After you’ve finally recovered from the surprise demise of what you thought was a relationship headed in the right direction, how do you trust your instincts again when it comes to dating? It’s hard to get back out there after a broken heart and it’s even more difficult to know if you can not only trust your gut but also take someone at their word. A broken heart will wreak havoc on your self-esteem, your self-confidence and your self-worth, not to mention your sub-conscience.

About five years ago I was blind-sided by a break-up. Not only was it out of left field, but I felt so confident about the relationship I didn’t know how the guy could have felt differently without me knowing. After a few weeks moping, hanging out with my girlfriends and throwing myself into my work, I was ready to start dipping my toe in the dating waters. I wasn’t ready for a new relationship quite yet, but I needed to bring myself back from the brink. Seeing what (or rather, who) was out there would help me finish healing. So I signed back on to 100hookup and fielded messages and phone calls from some really great guys who had my interest piqued. But my inner alarm kept ringing. How could I know that this guy wouldn’t hurt me also? I didn’t. That we can never know and it’s a risk we take in love and life. But how could I know that this guy was being genuine about how much he liked me? Again, I would just have to take a risk and make sure I kept my eyes open to any warning signs.

It’s definitely hard to trust not only yourself but the person you’re dating after a painful break-up. You become cynical. Every statement, every action, is doubted and dissected. And that skepticism is hard to hide and unfortunately will lead to making your dates fail no matter how great the other person was. Believe that the right person is out there and that putting only your best self forward will help in finding him or her. Eventually I did meet my next boyfriend, but alas that relationship also didn’t pan out, although this time I was the one to bring an end to it. I would go through more than a few of these before meeting my husband but at least I felt good knowing I gave them 100%.

The thing we all have to understand about dating is that no matter how many dates you go on, no matter how many relationships you’ve been in or for how long you were in them, only one is going to be the ultimate success (okay, maybe two, but that’s not the point here). So each date you go on and each relationship you enter deserves to be given your full attention, your entire focus and entered into with an open heart. Until you meet your beshert, dating is cyclical. First date after first date, relationship after relationship, break-up after break-up. It’s easy to get jaded and frustrated, but eventually the cycle will end with the right person at the right time.

Dear Tamar,

So here is my issue:  I met this guy on 100hookup and thought he was “the one”.  I have never felt like this about anyone before in my life.  We took trips together, spent lots of time with each other’s families, all was going so well for 6 months.  Then, one day, I got a message from him and he was questioning our relationship.  We sat and talked about it and it almost felt like he just gave up.  We tried a little bit longer and then I just couldn’t take it anymore.  We broke up and still, for the last few months, have communicated and have seen each other.  I am not sure what happened.  It doesn’t seem like he wants to totally let go and it doesn’t seem like he wants to be with me anymore.  I am still very much in love with this person.  We had discussed marriage and children and had both said we saw that together.  What should I do?  Should I cut all ties or see where it goes?

Dear The One or Done,

You’re in a difficult predicament and I feel for you. If you hang in there and see where it goes then you could end up still getting your heart broken but wasting more time in the meantime. I think your best bet is to tell him you need to cut it off to see how you each feel without the other because this on-again, off-again thing isn’t healthy. I think that once he sees life without you in it, he’ll be able to make up his mind about what he wants and you will too. Of course, don’t let him know this as you don’t want him to know he has all the power in the relationship; if he’s able to pull you back in when he misses you and needs you then what’s going to motivate him to step it up or cut it off? You’re on 100hookup, so that’s a good thing because it helps that you’re at least trying to move on or see what else is out there. Keep on perusing your other options while letting your ex know that you’re not his doormat.

I have never been in a relationship with a hookup girl.  I actually have once, and it was my very first relationship, but I was really young and I was only one out of her four boyfriends at the time.  I wasn’t even mad about that.  I was just happy to be part of the team.  I mean, they were a really good looking group of guys.  She finally told me about them while crying at a New Year’s dance.  I was fine.  I just wanted to go to a racquetball court and make out some more (we were at the JCC).

Anyway, this whole post is now based on a lie, and I think it is deteriorating as I type.  Nevertheless, I will stand by my almost true claim that I have never been in a relationship with a hookup girl.  Actually, another girl that I dated was half hookup, and I don’t know if that counts.

Okay!  Aside from the two girls listed above, I have never been in a relationship with a hookup girl.  I don’t know why.  I didn’t do it by choice.  Though I wish I could handpick my girlfriends that option is usually not offered.  Men are all drowning in this enormous, smelly man-pool waiting to be pulled out by a girl that feels sorry enough for one of us.  I say ‘select few’ because, statistically, most girls are un-datable.  I am 27 years old.  At this age, about half of the women are married.  Of the half that aren’t, about ten percent are too good looking and thus way out of our league.  Another ten percent are crazy.  Also, about .07 percent are related to us.  So, realistically, we’re looking at roughly 29.93% of our demographic.  I gave up on the idea that I am in charge of who I date a long time ago.

All of my relationships have ended (obviously).  There is no good way to end a relationship.  Therefore, what I remember most from all of my past relationships are the horrible ways in which they ended.  If you’re in a relationship and the two of you aren’t married and haven’t been dating for more than three years, it is almost certainly going to end terribly.  Somebody is going to cry.  Furniture is going to break.  Electronics may or may not be smashed in with an aluminum baseball bat.  Neighbors are going to call the cops.  Severe depression will follow.  I think that ‘love’ is being in a relationship for over three years and still being alive.  Not ‘alive’ as in a hallucinogenic dream state of pure exhilaration, but ‘alive’ as in still breathing.

100hookup will save me.