Archive for September, 2009

Dear Gems from Jen,

Recently, my boyfriend and I (whom I met on 100hookup) split up.. The last two months of our relationship were drawn out and should have ended long before it did. I’m ready to get back on the horse but it has only been a few days and I am worried that by rushing back onto 100hookup could cause me to have a rebound. I’m not that type of girl and have never been placed in this situation before.

Now that we are over, I don’t really miss him, I just miss having a boyfriend.

Should I wait until I’m completely happy with being alone or just jump back into the dating scene?

Thanks,
Danielle

Dear Danielle,

My best suggestion is to do what you feel most comfortable with. If you are questioning your motives then you already have your answer. It has only been a few days.  Whether or not the relationship was good or bad, your time and energy was with this person and it does take some time to move away from an ex. I agree that rushing into something right away will probably be more of a rebound relationship , rather than something that revolves around true feelings.  However, if you take your time and only date men who meet your criteria then it will probably slow your urge to quiet the loneliness that you seem to be experiencing.

It is common for people who have recently gone through a break up to  go through exactly what you are experiencing. Missing the companionship outweighs missing the actual person.  It’s always nice to have someone to do things with. Just be careful and realize where you stand at this time. Perhaps, looking for friends on 100hookup before jumping into something might be the way to go at this point in time. There is nothing wrong with dating and not entering into a relationship right away. See what else is out there and enjoy dating for a bit. You’ll know when it is the real deal if you take your time and date for the right reasons.

 Signed,
 Gems from Jen

Dear Gems from Jen,

Online dating is so much different from the real world. In real life, when I meet someone we know each other and the relationship, whether it’s casual or serious, is stable.

With online dating, when a date goes poorly, it just wasn’t meant to be. Sometimes though, the relationship develops rapidly and the girl will completely offer herself in every way imaginable and call non-stop. Then, suddenly, a few days after the climax of this infatuation (which for the record, I don’t initiate as I’m one to work slowly), the girl suddenly ends it on a dime with little explanation.

I know women change their minds a lot, but is there anything I can do to curb this from happening? Or is there a way to be able to get an initial sense of which girls are emotionally unstable before I become emotionally invested?

Dear Change Of Heart,

The real world is just that, real. Meeting people online can feel real, but it isn’t real until two people actually meet.  I can’t speak for all women, but my best guess is the ones that you have met that seem to fall hard and fast are looking for someone to live up to a fantasy.  This, by the way, is impossible for anyone to do.

Going slow is the best course of action and if that is what tends to come naturally to you, then you need to make sure that you are setting firm boundaries for yourself in these relationships. Once you sense a girl is becoming infatuated too quickly, put on the brakes.  Let her know you will only move slowly. If she persists, tell her in no uncertain terms that you will not enter into something quickly. If she doesn’t get the hint then you will know very early on this girl was not meant for you.

Signed,
 
Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,
I started writing to a man on 100hookup about a week ago.  Unfortunately, we started texting about sex, and it got out of hand.  He’s divorced because his ex cheated on him, and apparently kept secrets from him. So now he thinks everything in a relationship should be totally transparent.  We went on our first date 2 days ago, and it went well.  But, he wanted to keep talking about sex (what I like to do, etc), and I felt uncomfortable with that.  He seems to want to know everything about me upfront (what medicines I take, he even asked me what I did when I woke up at night to go to the bathroom!).  It’s almost like he wants to weed out anyone unsuitable upfront, and move on to the next possible suitable candidate for partnership.  He is very nice, charming, and there is attraction, but when I told him that I wanted to back off on talking about sex until we were in a sexual relationship, he said I was playing games.  He said I could ask him anything and he would tell me, and he wants to be able to do the same with me. I’m not sure I want to reveal everything to him all at once; it seems like rushing the whole relationship.  What do you think?  We have another date set for a week from now, but we’re probably going to talk on the phone between now and then.  I’m not sure what to do.  I don’t really have anything to hide.  I’m just not sure if it’s healthy to share everything so soon.

Dear TMI,
Take from this experience a lesson learned. Revealing too much too soon can have results that are not favorable. It sounds as if you are correct regarding this guy. If you are not comfortable that is your first warning signal. Starting a relationship with ”sex talk” tends to make people feel as if they have to live up to a preconceived notion whether they want to or not. It takes the mystery and excitement out of the entire process. I would definitely listen to your instincts on this one.  Asking about medication and what you do when you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night is TMI for anyone starting a new relationship. It seems to me that you are not game playing just reconsidering your position.
Dating is something that takes time and getting to know someone is an experience not a fact finding mission only lasting a few days. If the getting to know someone period is rushed then you are missing out on a very important part of the relationship.  Think of it this way; how long did it take you to get to know your best girlfriend? I’m pretty certain it was not rushed.  It usually comes naturally and genuine romantic relationships ideally should work in the same manner.
Remember this experience when you meet the next guy.  Getting to know someone takes time. Only reveal personal information when you feel comfortable, not when he feels comfortable.
 Signed,
 Gems from Jen

Sometimes people have a hard time letting go, especially if said severance involves a bad break-up, and even more so if this break up was with a now former friend. Let’s face it, no one wants to sweat the small stuff, so when presented with the opportunity to agree to disagree and enjoy (what was thought to be) a mutual parting of the ways, you jump on it – hoping to end things on at least a somewhat civil note. Clearly, this never works though, because why would any frienemy want to make life a teeny bit easier? So because they happen to get off on arguing (it’s no surprise you often find these fiends in law school) they jump at any opportunity to rehash arguments of the past hoping to annoy the hell out of you in the future. Well, not everyone gets off from licking old wounds. So when she tries to rip out stitches from something you thought had been secured, the flesh wound will be anything but minor, and little miss-behaved I will be happy to have you back in her life, yelling in her ear. Thus, I propose this, though killing a girl with kindness is a great tactic, but ignoring them completely is even better. Since she thrives on confrontation, she’ll have to navigate herself elsewhere to get the attention she wants (and so deserves)! And while you watch her writhing in angst over your non-returned invitation, you get the added bonus of having her resort to self-socializing – and nothing is better than a silent fight. Welcome to a new kind of cold war, kids.

Recently I spent a week at Fitness  Ridge aka Biggest Loser Ranch.  Mind you I am size two, but I have been on a total detox fitness phase for the last two months.  It was a great experience though very regimented on a 1200 restricted caloric diet. Though somehow the food tasted very good, we often prayed as we were drilled to run faster, harder, stronger in treading classes.  And there was much love between the new friends with different life experiences that were brought together who I otherwise may never have  met.  Somewhat like the Breakfast Club, there was the nice, bright, non-working 40-year-old millionaire, a 35-year-old trying to overcome various addictions (including food) that he used to replace the struggles in his marriage and life, many lawyer-types including myself, and a host. It was a group of unique, quality folks who were brought together with a different story, zero judgment, and only support. Much Love.

Dear Gems from Jen,
I am very new at this and very nervous.  I too send out Flirts and emails and get one response and that’s it.  Any suggestions on “spicing” up my profile?  I am simple and down to earth.  A true romantic and don’t seem to be able to keep anyone interested.  Is it normal to always chat and never meet face to face?  Thanks

Dear New And Nervous,
Everyone’s experience on 100hookup is unique. I’m not so sure there is a “norm” that applies to any one person using the site. My best suggestion is to make sure your profile really, truly describes who you are and the qualities you are searching for.  Make sure your pictures are up to date and really portray what you are all about. For instance, if you state in your profile that cooking is a favorite activity, make certain to use a picture that shows you cooking and having a great time doing it. When describing the qualities you are searching for be specific, but allow room for compromise.  Only pick a small number of qualities that you are unwilling to compromise on. It has been my experience that no one will meet every criterion so make sure you are not too specific. Keep sending Flirts and emails.  Devote some time to this process and don’t expect immediate results. Good things tend to be worth the wait!
Signed,
Gems from Jen

There are a lot of things one has reason to fear in Los Scandalous: earthquakes, gang violence, the dreaded encounter with a former flame. The city is always immense except when you want to avoid someone, and then it’s unavoidably quaint. So what do you do when the dreaded close encounter finally takes place? Better yet, what do you do when he’s sporting his latest and greatest accessory – bad dye job apparently included. Take comfort in the fact that you a) survived, and b) that your hair doesn’t look as fried as something that should be served on a Denny’s late-night menu. So when the once wanted rendezvous takes a turn for the worse, smile through denial and always remember that no amount of bad-bottle-blonde dye jobs will make her what you were. Egocentric? Maybe slightly. But still dating Darwinism at its finest. Survival of the hottest isn’t a theory here in this city that never sleeps – it’s a rule. Travel in packs and look fierce, so when the bad fried-and-died mess has the pleasure of meeting you, you have the privilege of getting through it with grace.

During my recent vacation, I spent my time pushing my body physically every day. Hiking, tennis and cardio eight hours a day. Though during the hikes there was plenty of time for spiritual self reflection too. My week was structured hanging with new friends with a fitness goal in front of us. Impetuously, Mr. High Roller, one of our crew, said let’s go to Vegas. Although spontaneous, I’m an organized planner type. Vegas wasn’t part of the agenda in Utah. BUT that is one of the advantages of being single. No one to check-in with or get permission from, ultimately I could do what I wanted to do at that very moment. Carpe Diem in mind, hours later I found myself at the craps table making everyone A LOT of money followed by relaxing in a VIP lounge at the Encore pool.  At times the hike to finding your partner may betiring and frustrating, but the upside about being a singleton is saying “yes” impetuously to life as often as you like.

As the hookup New Year begins, I am left to wonder what is in store. We all make resolutions on January 1, why not on the hookup New Year as well? I’ve decided my resolution is to spend more time focusing on my dating life.  I know I tend to get busy with work obligations, family and friends, but I do believe I need to make myself a priority.  It always seems something gets in the way. I am no longer going to allow that to happen. I think if we all devoted just a few extra minutes a day to this process we all, at the very least, feel a sense of taking our future into our own hands. What better time than the present?  Not tomorrow, today. This is my time. This is my resolution. Starting now this is my new year!