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Archive for April, 2010
How many times have you checked his or her Facebook? 100hookup Profile? Twitter? In today’s world it is incredibly easy to keep tabs on someone. Is there a benefit to doing this? Do the rewards outweigh the consequences? I have received countless emails on this very subject. I realize how tempting it can be to “spy”, but is it really worth it? Can it give us answers or set us up for suspicion and mistrust? The next time you find yourself tempted to look at someone’s cyber activity ask yourself the reasoning behind your behavior. Are you merely interested in updates or are you looking to catch the person doing something you believe they should not be doing? The cyber world is a great way to stay connected, but the pitfalls come into play when we use this means of communication as a launching pad for stalking-like behavior.
How many of these coffee interview-like dates have we all been on? If I just passed my resume across the table (the generic discussion of my education and job history), the date would have taken care of itself. Then I could speed-dial my mom to fill in the family part. And boy, would she be excited to be involved in the process. Mom probably believes she could do a better screening in my romantic life, considering I’m still single.
Rarely do you have one of these coffee dates filled with constant laughter and wit. Thank you, Mr. Flowerman. You saved me from my eyes being glazed over reciting my resume which I happen to know like the back of my hand. Two hours of wit and laughter later, it was definitely time well spent.
Dear Gems from Jen,
I am just starting to date again and I have a daughter who is a year old. I have no idea about proper etiquette while dating with kids. When do you tell them? What do you say? When do you introduce? I am so lost. Please help me!
Dear Children and Dating Etiquette,
It is very important you disclose your role as a mother from the very beginning. I cannot imagine dating someone and being left in the dark about the presence of a child. Be honest. Your daughter and you are a package deal. Anyone who you would like to get to know better deserves to know about such an important facet of your life.
All you have to say is you are the proud mother of a beautiful daughter. Let your dates know how important she is to you and what, if any role, her father plays in her life. As for introducing someone to your daughter wait until things get more serious. You don’t want to confuse your daughter or have a stream of dates coming in and out of her life.
Update your 100hookup profile and let potential suitors know who you are, including your daughter’s role in your life. As long as you remain honest and protect your daughter from meeting every person you have a first date feeling lost will no longer be an option for you.
Gems from Jen
After my 400th squat with my trainer, I was burning, and okay, cursing at him too. But anything good (like buns of steel, training for a triathlon, studying for the Bar) is worth putting in the effort and fighting for. I think the same fight is true when it comes to love & relationships.
Dear Gems from Jen,
I met a guy on 100hookup a few months ago. He is nearly 50 and never married. His profile said that he wanted to have kids.
I have kids and don’t want more. I asked him if he wants kids and he said he didn’t know. Well, as we got more intimate, I asked where the relationship was going. He asked if we need to put a label on it. I told him I was looking for a monogamous relationship. Then he said he thinks he wants kids, so I said I couldn’t date him since it is past my time to have them. He said okay and we stopped seeing each other. Well, he called and we ended up seeing each other again. I don’t know what to make of this. We get along so well. I don’t know if I should go along with it and see what happens or just stop.
Dear He Wants Kids,
It sounds as if you are both sending one another mixed messages. It seems as if he is unsure about what it is he wants and the same goes for you. You know there is no possibility of having more children and it isn’t something you want. However, you have chosen to date this man even though you know the two of you are on different pages. How did you feel when he said he didn’t want to put a label on the relationship? You want monogamy; he doesn’t. He appears to want more children; you don’t.
I understand how exciting it can be when two people really hit it off, but this relationship seems as if there are two people who want very different things. If you are willing to have a casual fling with this guy then go for it. However, if monogamy is what you want, I invite you to take a step back and look at what it is you are sacrificing because you are getting along well with someone. Keep in mind also that his desire for children will in all likelihood outweigh this relationship. Unless the two of you are both willing to give up your own wants and needs this particular match seems unlikely to have any longevity.
Gems from Jen
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Working with kids during the early part of my career I learned the “time-out” technique. Whenever a child did something that was unacceptable, against the rules, or threw some sort of tantrum, I would use the time-out intervention. I would remove the child from the larger group, have him/her sit out for a few minutes, and then I would discuss the issue with the child. Ordinarily an apology from the child would follow and all of us would continue on with our day.
Once I became a therapist I began to re-think this technique. It seemed so overly used. It was the trendy thing to do when a child misbehaved. But, was it really the right thing to do? I began to recall my days as a teacher and realized the time-out was inevitably for my own sanity. The children quickly learned all that was needed to return to the larger group was a smile, an apology, and an “I will never do it again,” statement. Did the children ever really learn anything from the time-out lessons? My guess is no, but it kept me from pulling every last hair out of my head.
When I began to work with couples I again began to re-think this simple technique. Can a time-out work within a relationship? Can two people who care about one another take time-outs in order to re-group, re-focus, and see the other person’s perspective? Absolutely! What didn’t work so well as learning experiences for children (in my opinion) does seem to work really well as learning experiences for adults. Next time you are about to battle with that important person in your life, remember the time-out technique. Walk away for a few moments. Gather your thoughts. Remind yourself that your relationship is not about winning; it is about caring, compassion, and intimacy. Everyone disagrees and before things get really heated take a time-out. If the kids can do it so can you, and you might learn something about yourself and your partner in the process.
Admittedly, I’m not a social worker, therapist, psychiatrist or the like. I have no training as such and wouldn’t make any “declaratory” statement regarding addictions. But the fact that our society is easily grabbing onto the “sex addiction” excuse card trend to try to save marriages is crazy on some level. I think marriage is another ball of wax, especially when kids are involved, so from my vantage point it is much easier to surmise as opposed to being in the scenario.
All I can say for me, is no cheaters need apply. We date, because we enjoy each other. Full Stop. When that stops being the case we figure out the next step and whether it is worth saving the relationship. Why hold onto something if you desire to cheat? It just never made sense to me on a basic level. A relationship is about Trust, once that is compromised, it is very tough to get it back.
Compatibility seems to be such a buzz word nowadays. I hear it over and over. Television, commercials, radio broadcasts, but what does it really mean? Compatibility is what makes us mesh with someone else. Here are a few of the important compatibility factors in a relationship:
Roles in the relationship- You both have a clear understanding of your separate roles in the relationship. For example, he cooks, she does the laundry. These roles are clear, but not static. There is always room for negotiation and re-working of the roles.
Intimacy outside of the bedroom- this includes; trust, support, and empathy for one another.
Sexual expectations-This facet of the relationship is discussed and agreed upon. Each partner knows the rules and respects what the other likes/dislikes.
Goals-You each have similar lifelong goals and dreams. You are both on the same path and have similar visions for the future.
Friendship-You genuinely like one another. There is laughter and smiles. You can rely on each other. There is little judgment and criticism.