There is a language for love and then there’s a language for finding love online—both, I whole-heartedly believe, take trial and error, and countless embarrassingly syntactical mistakes to master. But when learning how to present yourself and tame your feelings for a person you have just scrolled upon online, there is a certain etiquette to foster if you want to rendezvous in the real world.

Just like it took me some time to understand when to use the “Poke” button on Facebook (which is never), it also took me a bit of time to understand when to use and when to respond to messages in my 100hookup inbox that are “Flirt Messages,” (the standard template of one-liners 100hookup provides users).

• Do: Send a “Flirt Message” if you want to make someone smile, for a second, to show that you are thinking about them or interested. Follow up with a personal message that showcases a bit of your personality, and above anything else, that you took an extra couple of seconds to browse more than just their selection of glamour shot photos.
• Don’t: Use it as a cop out and send someone a “Flirt message” over writing your own personal note to them. Remember, your first message to someone doesn’t have to be a novel of questions or a five-paragraph essay. It can be a simple remark about something that caught your eye about them on their profile. Your chances will skyrocket that someone will respond back to a personal message over a standard template message.

Read more of Jen Glantz here.

Dear Gems from Jen,

I am a 31-year-old female who’s super new to the JDating scene and the dating scene in general (just got out of a long term relationship).  I was lucky enough to find someone right away who I really seem to click with and we have exchanged a few emails back and forth.  I think I would like to actually meet this person, but am not sure how to take things to the next level.  Is it ok for me to offer my phone number or suggest meeting up or should I be waiting for him to make all the first moves?  (This guy seems great and I don’t want to scare him off.)

Dear JDating Etiquette,

I’m not so sure there is a “right” answer here. If the two of you are clicking, I do not see anything wrong with giving your phone number as long as you feel safe and comfortable doing so. I do believe meeting in person should be a natural progression. Once you have had a few phone calls with this guy and if you are still feeling a connection, suggesting a face-to-face meeting seems totally appropriate.

I do understand not wanting to scare him off by being too forward and/or direct. Most of us women are taught from a very early age to allow the man to be the pursuer. I am not saying this is either right or wrong; it is just something we learn from an early age. However, I do believe if there is something you want, then go for it. My suggestion would be to feel this guy out and take it from there. See if he is giving you cues that he would like to talk on the phone and/or meet in person. He might be shy or scared of rejection. My best guess is if he is continuing to engage you through email he is interested.  Trust your instincts and enjoy the connection you seem to have made!

Signed,
Gems from Jen

Jen,

I feel obligated to call after a first date even if I do not want to continue dating the person. What do you recommend I say in such a situation? Do I say “I enjoyed meeting you but I think we should be friends”? Sometimes, I don’t even want to call, but I hear that women don’t like that. Maybe they really don’t want to hear from me again. What do the experts recommend in this situation?

Dear Obligation,

I completely understand your confusion regarding this dilemma. Calling is the polite thing to do. However, I believe you should be honest before the first date even ends.  If you are truly not interested, then do not let your date believe there might be more dates to follow. I do recognize that it is an uncomfortable thing to do, but honesty is the best policy here. Put yourself in your date’s shoes.  Would you want to sit around waiting for a call looking forward to a second date and that time never comes? I know I sure wouldn’t.

Now, with that said, if you did say you were going to call, then call. However, when you make that call be sure to let the woman know you enjoyed meeting her, but you are not interested in pursuing anything more. It takes real courage to let someone down gently and honestly. But, it is the right thing to do. I cannot tell you how many letters I have received on this topic.  The difference was most of these people have been ignored rather than treated with honesty. I’m glad to see there are people like you!

Signed,

Gems from Jen

Dear Gems from Jen,

I am wondering what to do when I get a Flirt or an email and I am not interested in pursuing a conversation. What is the etiquette? I feel like I want to reply but not sure how to say “thanks for writing but I’m not interested.” Any ideas?

Thanks,

Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I know this may sound old-fashioned and kind of cliché, but do you remember the “golden rule?” “Treat others in a way that you’re willing to be treated in the same exact situation.” To apply it, envision yourself in the exact place of the other person on the receiving end of the action. If you act in a given way toward another, and yet are unwilling to be treated that way in the same circumstance, then you are violating the golden rule. I believe most people would like a response.  They spent the time to write, so spend a moment or two to respond.

With that being said, I see absolutely nothing wrong with saying, “thanks for writing but I’m not interested.” It leaves no room for guessing where you stand on the part of the sender and you are displaying common courtesy. There have been numerous questions written to me about this very subject and I always say a reply is the most appropriate course of action.

Signed,

Gems from Jen

Dear Gems from Jen,

I am new to this. Literally just joined the other day. I’ve never done online dating before. I received some messages and some men I replied back to. Their instant reply was to send their phone numbers. I have never even chatted with them. Is this weird? I thought the whole purpose was to chat with someone first, before you do so on the phone or in public. What is online etiquette?

Dear Online Dating Etiquette,

I agree with you one hundred percent! The whole purpose of online dating is to get to know if someone might be a match for you before speaking/meeting. My suggestion would be to first chat with a potential match before calling or giving out your phone number. A profile can only demonstrate so much about a person’s character, traits, personality, etc.

My suggestion would be to ask these men to engage in some online chatting before speaking on the phone. Be sure to keep your personal information private until you are comfortable with the person you are interested in meeting. Always trust your intuition and do not reveal too much about your private life until you are ready and feel safe to do so.

The men who instantly gave their telephone numbers show their aggressive nature.  Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, but it sounds to me that you would rather have some online chatting before you speak on the telephone. Stay in your comfort zone and let things progress in a way that works best for you.

Signed,
Gems from Jen