Archive for March, 2010

Dear Gems from Jen,

I have been seeing someone for over two months. He was flirty and intimate at the beginning. We communicate nearly every day, but only see each other every couple of weeks due to his intense work situation. He has been sick, as well as out of town on business. He is highly complementary and says he has never met anyone like me…and that he is very appreciative of how communicative I am.

He is cautious and has slowed down the physical intimacy and is no longer flirty via email.  He says everything in life is timing. He has NOT said that this is not working or that he just wants to be friends…he just talks about timing and being cautious. Building his business back to its former self is his biggest concern at the moment. I believe that we do have the basis for a relationship. How should I proceed with him? It is uncomfortable for me to date since I like him so much, but maybe I should?

Thanks for your help.

Dear Dating and Timing,

It sounds to me as if you are getting mixed messages from this guy. Always keep in mind that actions speak louder than words. Anybody can say anything, but it is the actions that truly count. He has told you everything in life comes down to timing. He has backed off, discussed caution, and turned his focus to work. I understand what it is like to have feelings for someone and not really wanting to date, however this relationship does not sound exclusive at the present moment. There are no guarantees in life. Don’t put all of your hopes onto this particular guy. Enjoy yourself and continue dating. Spending time waiting for him to move forward with you is no way to live. He might surprise you in the future, but in the mean time, consider your wants and needs and don’t settle for someone who isn’t as present in your life as you would like.

Signed,
Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,

I feel that I’m in need of some advice! I have been seeing a guy for a few months now.  He is really lovely and sweet and treats me nicely. My problem is that he doesn’t seem to have much oomph to his personality. He still lives at home in his mid-thirties and doesn’t seem to be passionate about very much.
I have been out with more passionate guys before, but they have ended up treating me like rubbish!  I have tried talking to him but I know that you can’t change people. Any advice on what I should do? I want to settle down and be happy but I can’t help feeling that I could “do better.”

Any advice appreciated,

Thanks!

Dear Should I Keep Going,

Sounds like this guy has some good qualities, being treated well is very important. However, living at home in his mid-thirties? What are the circumstances surrounding his living arrangements? It is one thing if he perhaps lost his job and he is trying to get re-established. It is another thing if he has never left the comfort of the nest. If the latter is the case, my suggestion is to think very seriously about who this person is. You say he has little “oomph” and is not a passionate person. Can you see spending your time with someone like this for the long haul? You are right; you cannot change anyone, but yourself. It sounds to me like you have already answered your own question. You believe you can do better, so my guess is, if you stay with this guy you are going to always be looking for something better. Settling down and being happy does not mean you have to take less than you want.

Signed,
Gems from Jen

This is my mantra today, this week, shooting for this month, and so on…It won’t be easy, I’m a planner; the Type A, where itineraries, schedules and plans have a calming effect. Not to say that I’m not an impetuous gal at the same time. John Lennon sang to us in “Beautiful Boy,” that “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” I think forward thinking affects both genders equally in relationships but perhaps it manifests in different ways. The future is filled with enough routines and serious subjects, so skipping over being fun, carefree and living in the moment, hinders us, no? Don’t get me wrong, this won’t be easy for a trained lawyer, but being (and enjoying) in the moment is really ALL we have.

Dear Gems from Jen,

I’m new to online dating after being divorced for three years. I thought now that I’m 38 years old and the men I’m meeting are in their forties, things would be more clear cut. Unfortunately, they are not. It seems like if a guy pursues me and shows great interest he’s interested.  As soon as I show some interest back, they pull away. HELP!

Dear Dating Again,

I do understand your frustration! This seems to be an age-old complaint. If we as women show interest and take on the role of pursuer, the men tend to run and hide. Not every guy does this, but enough do it that it is a common complaint. My suggestion would be to not come on too strongly. When people feel pressured or pushed, many tend to pull away. The results we are looking for don’t usually come to fruition. Take things slowly. Show interest without pushing. Take the getting to know process one day at a time. Don’t put all of your hopes and dreams on one person while in the beginning phases of the dating process. Spend time dating and just enjoying the experience.

Signed,
Gems from Jen

If you have read my blog before you can gather that I have watched one too many fairytale Hollywood romantic movies in my time. On a recent double date, being kids in a candy shop “literally” in Dylan’s CandyLand, the other woman on the date conveyed to me that she believed in “soul mates” as we passed the licorice aisle. This got me reflecting past the Pop Rocks…In my past, there have been a few people who I thought could potentially be my soul mate, but ultimately as dynamic as these relationships were, they faded. A friend, who also happens to be a relationship expert and author, has told me time and again, ‘The people who you may be attracted to, may not actually be the right person for you.’ Through the years, I have been fortunate to date and meet some great folks, I think my fairytale-like notion of a soul mate has changed and now differs from my Dylan’s partner in crime. Yeah, there are a few soul mates that may meet (is it revisionist history, though?) but they are the exception far more than the rule. I am now more of the mindset that “love” is a verb, a choice you make. It is the person you choose to maturely love, and is a partner that survives the trenches with you, the ups and the downs, who I believe is your true sole mate.

Dear Gems from Jen,

I have gone out five times with this cute guy, who is a true gentleman and is looking for marriage (at least he wrote that in his profile). He is generous and smart, and keeps telling me he is comfortable being with me and that I am so pretty and smart and so on. He plans the dates based on my schedule and picks me up and usually has the entire evening planned. We also spent Valentine’s Day together and he brought me red roses, but he still logs on to his profile every night and it bothers me seeing him online. After how many dates should he stop checking out other girls online?

Thank you so much.

Dear Still Online,

My first question is; how do you know he is still online? Are you watching him or are you still looking at profiles, too? It can be very tempting to watch people online; however, it is usually not a productive activity and tends to lead to mistrust. My suggestion is to give this new relationship a bit more time.  Five dates is a great start, but a long-term, exclusive relationship it is not. See where things go. Take it slowly. Get to really know this person and let things progress naturally. Once the relationship becomes exclusive then the conversation regarding checking out other girls online will be appropriate. When two people commit to one another, looking at profiles is not an activity either one needs to be engaging in, but until that time he, just as you, can continue to look at profiles without feeling badly.

Signed,

Gems from Jen