Archive for January, 2010

Years ago I was at a gorgeous resort in Costa Rica appropriately named “Mariposa” as it was truly engulfed by gorgeous butterflies.  Fast forward, I recently found myself in a deep conversation with a Latin guy friend who conveyed he didn’t understand NYC dating rituals. Frustrated, he stated people jump and jump, no one stands still for a second to even see if a connection can develop.  If it is not an instant connection, then they’re on to the next. I proclaimed “Mariposa”– like the jumping butterflies.  In a city of attractive and uber-successful people, here’s hoping in 2010 that you take a break from the Mariposa ways, and that you delve a little deeper. You may be surprised by getting some of your own internal butterflies.

Dear Gems from Jen,

I met a very nice man on 100hookup who lost his wife 18 months ago. He said that he still loves his wife, and he feels that we have a great potential, but at the same time he feels that he met me a little too soon. Sometimes I feel that he pushes me away and then the next day he shows me deep affection. He is the only man between all my dates that I really like, but I do not know how to handle this situation. I need your direction.

Dear Widower,

This has got to be a very confusing situation not just for you, but for him as well. You are receiving very mixed messages, which tend to lead to hurt feelings and unrealistic expectations. It sounds as if he has made it clear with his words, but not so clear with his actions. It does appear from what you have told me as if he is still somewhere in the grieving process. My best suggestion would be to have a completely honest conversation with this man. Let him know how you are truly feeling and ask him what it is he is looking for in terms of a relationship with you. You will have to make a decision if you are willing to meet him where he is at. He may not be ready for a serious, committed relationship. If you are looking for this type of relationship, you may need to make the decision to find someone who is ready. Pushing him into something that he is not ready for will only backfire. Do yourself a favor and make sure if you choose to stick it out with this guy you look at all of the different outcomes. Keep in mind your feelings are just as important as his.

Signed,
Gems from Jen

Dear Gems from Jen,

I am a 31-year-old female who’s super new to the JDating scene and the dating scene in general (just got out of a long term relationship).  I was lucky enough to find someone right away who I really seem to click with and we have exchanged a few emails back and forth.  I think I would like to actually meet this person, but am not sure how to take things to the next level.  Is it ok for me to offer my phone number or suggest meeting up or should I be waiting for him to make all the first moves?  (This guy seems great and I don’t want to scare him off.)

Dear JDating Etiquette,

I’m not so sure there is a “right” answer here. If the two of you are clicking, I do not see anything wrong with giving your phone number as long as you feel safe and comfortable doing so. I do believe meeting in person should be a natural progression. Once you have had a few phone calls with this guy and if you are still feeling a connection, suggesting a face-to-face meeting seems totally appropriate.

I do understand not wanting to scare him off by being too forward and/or direct. Most of us women are taught from a very early age to allow the man to be the pursuer. I am not saying this is either right or wrong; it is just something we learn from an early age. However, I do believe if there is something you want, then go for it. My suggestion would be to feel this guy out and take it from there. See if he is giving you cues that he would like to talk on the phone and/or meet in person. He might be shy or scared of rejection. My best guess is if he is continuing to engage you through email he is interested.  Trust your instincts and enjoy the connection you seem to have made!

Signed,
Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,

As opposed to the time it takes meeting people in person and deciding if there is something to continue with, I am finding that I am quickly and easily making connections on 100hookup. Now I’m feeling live I have too many interactions going on at once.

Any recommendations? Would you recommend that I make a few connections, see where those all go, and if needed, start all over again?

Dear Too Many Connections,

Some of us have all the luck! There are many 100hookuprs out there who I’m sure would love to be in your predicament. In all seriousness however, my best suggestion is to go through all of your connections again.  See whom you are truly connecting with. What are you basing these connections on? For example, are these connections based on looks, personality, education level, things the two of you have in common, etc.? Dwindle some of the people down if you are feeling overwhelmed.  I wouldn’t start all over, just perhaps, get more realistic. It sounds like you are having some luck with the early stages of corresponding, so instead of worrying about it have some fun. Enjoy the experience. Dating does not have to be serious all of the time.

Signed,
Gems from Jen

So I have very different views than my best friend when it comes to phone versus text-versations. I absolutely abhor drawn out convos via dialing, and she hates reading the convos set forth through tiny screens. I guess dating etiquette dictates that when it comes to the first meet and greet, one should call to confirm before the date. But what if neither one of you want to chat? I guess your preference comes into play when figuring out the logistics of the date.  Also, ne should never assume that a call is needed to confirm. In this age of technological advancements you have to clear a path for communication before you get thrown a busy signal. When lines get crossed, try another form of talking and put in the effort before your somewhat significant other dials out of area.

I don’t usually write about the specifics of my dating life…as you may imagine, that could hinder it on some level….but this is too fun not to share.  Recently, my date and I ran into Magnolia Bakery to sample their famous banana pudding.  As we had just eaten lunch, a sample taste was sufficient for the moment.

A couple days later, I was surprised by the delivery of a tub (for 20 people) of guess what?  Banana pudding.  Sweet? Absolutely.  Original?  I have received many varied treats through the years, but I never have received banana pudding. All week long as I opened the fridge and stared at this barrel of banana pudding I burst out laughing. How the heck was I even going to make a dent? And that spontaneous by-yourself smile/laughter is what life is all.

Dear Gems from Jen,

I am rejoining the single scene after quite some time. I am looking for one special woman. If I go out with a woman and she is nice and pleasant, but not quite what I am looking for, how do you end the date or do you follow up later and explain to her that she is not the one? This part really worries me because I try to be nice to everyone and I can handle a woman telling me, but I do not know how to tell this to a woman.

Thank you,
Not a Clue

Dear Not a Clue,

I understand how difficult and uncomfortable this part of dating can be. Being nice is one thing, but being too nice can have negative consequences for not just the woman, but you as well. For example, she might be highly interested and you, without even knowing it may be keeping her hopes high. It could also put you in an uncomfortable situation. For instance, there is always the possibility she might become angry with you for stringing her along. If you are on a date and realize you have no interest in the woman by all means let her know. It is much “nicer” to be honest. You can do this tactfully. Let her know what a good time you are having, but also let her know there is not a romantic connection. Dating does not have to be the end all. Keep in mind there are a lot of great women out there and there is nothing wrong with making some new friends. Remember, you are looking for that one special person, so being nice to yourself is just as important as being nice to the people around you.

Signed,
Gems from Jen

A former boyfriend (a hookup FBI agent – who knew they existed – and yes, he always packed heat) in his intelligence officer role once stated to me “Fear motivates people one way or the other”.  A simplistic and obvious comment but one that has stayed with me for many years. I know folks who have committed to their significant other out of fear of losing that person in their life.  On the contrary, I know some who have chosen not to get engaged and give something a chance for fear of getting hurt.

Fear can be crippling and no question having a broken heart is not much fun, but when friends have come to me saddened because a relationship did not take the route they had hoped, as much as it sucks, the mere fact that they were able to “feel” enough to be upset – I think, is a wonderful gift.  All too often, there is so much indifference that exists around us, including in the dating world.  A beat isn’t missed if Mr. Wall Street does not call for a second date, because there always seems to be another possibility around the corner. Especially, in the city that never sleeps.
I guess what I’m saying is the minor scrape or profound bruise that may take several months to heel is worth the possibilities. Because the bottom line is – the chance to be more that indifferent does not happen that often, no matter where you are. Face the worst-case scenario (being hurt) and though it may take weeks or months to feel in a good place, the band-aid will eventually come off and the potential upside is way too great to not risk being engaged.

Dear Gems from Jen,

Someone I just met wants me to email him at an address that he gave to me. How can I do that without him knowing my email? Is this the right thing to do or should I continue writing to him through 100hookup?

Thank you,
Sandy

Dear Sandy,

There are ways to get around using your regular email address; however, I don’t see the purpose. If you are not comfortable corresponding through regular email then only correspond through 100hookup until you feel ready. There is no rule when it comes to the amount of time one should keep his/her anonymity. It really boils down to when you feel safe enough to share personal information. Until that time, stick to using 100hookup for all communication and don’t let anyone push you into something you are uncomfortable doing.

Signed,

Gems from Jen