Archive for December, 2009

This morning I had “blunch” (breakfast that ran into lunch) with an ex who has become one of my most favorite friends. Yes, it does happen on occasion.  As I relayed my dating stories and expectations that I have for those I date (which by the way, I think are basic common courtesy expectations), his response was, “Get over it or date someone from the South, then.”  Be prepared to teach some. His point was that my courtship expectations (calling versus texting and the other blunders) aren’t deal breakers and can be taught through communicating with your partner.  Perhaps.  But more importantly and insightfully – he said, “Why don’t you focus on what your date needs to make him feel safe and want to invest in you emotionally?”  Hmmm…I guess all too often maybe we forget to see things from the other person’s perspective and give off the wrong signals as we are only focused on our date meeting our own expectations. Admittedly, all too often I’m quick to say “done, he didn’t do yada yada…”  I guess my next date gets to benefit from my ex’s advice and my new experiment…Let me think about him and his perspective…(rather than just I). “I” think if we all did this perhaps there would be less frustrated singles and more happy couples.  Things that make you want to go hmmm.

Dear Gems from Jen,

So you say that moving slow is good, and I agree, but what if a guy writes you and shows interest, then calls. You say, ‘Yes’ and you both hit it off right away. Over the next few days, it feels like heaven… you’re smitten and he is telling you he may be falling in love with you. He then insists that you come to visit, (half way across the country) you take some time to think and agree to go. After all, it feels right, and I feel really good about it. THEN BAM! He’s not answering my calls or texts. Mind you, I just told him the night before that I have two children. What am I supposed to think or feel? I am so ticked off and left in the dark! I have no clue how to think or feel.

Dear Unsure,

I do realize how much this situation must truly hurt; however, without sounding callous consider yourself lucky! I think your first warning sign was this guy telling you he might be falling in love with you. Moving too quickly, especially if you have never met usually ends with one of the parties becoming hurt. I understand how great it feels to be smitten and hear the things we all like to hear, but always keep in mind that until you have met live and in person the relationship tends to be more of a fantasy rather than a reality. I believe the way you are feeling is very appropriate and you have every right to be angry and confused. Don’t let this experience deter you. Use it as a lesson learned.  Taking things slowly and really getting to know someone is usually the best course of action. Take some time to be angry and then get right back out there. It sounds like this guy lost out, but there are plenty of others on 100hookup who will not behave in this manner. Good luck to you.

Signed,
Gems from Jen

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I know in my own dating life one of my basic wants has always been to have someone really listen to me. Most of the men I have dated seem to be lacking in this skill. Listening is a fine art in my opinion, one that can be learned. Listening means really hearing what the other person is saying. I know in my own personal life men like to “fix” situations and would rather avoid hearing my problems. I truly want someone who is just going to hear me.  Sometimes it feels good to vent without being offered suggestions, guidance, solutions, or advice. Most of my female friends seem to have the same desire I do, to be genuinely heard. They all want to be in a relationship with someone who can truly listen. So guys, the next time a woman starts sharing her problems with you, take it as a compliment that she really does trust you and try just listening. You may be surprised by the results!

A guy friend, who is a dating coach out in L.A., recently made a presentation at a dating conference.  As I curiously watched his clip posted on Facebook, I thought he hit his most salient advice to date:  Girls, don’t do a thing!  Hmmm…The beauty in its simplicity. You don’t have to do a thing besides look great, be friendly and some subtle flirting never hurt anyone.  A little frustrating, but true.  Think about it, how many times have you cared less about a potential prospect and despite your lack of attention that guy came on stronger and with more resolve.  And then, the times you sat there and analyzed, planned, gave hints, maneuvered, nudged…and got nowhere besides being frustrated.

Bottom line: If the man is interested, I agree with my male friend’s opinion…they will surely let you know.

There’s always been an incredibly fine line between friends and more than just friends with the opposite sex. So what do you in an effort to soothe a friend recovering from a less-than-smooth-sailing voyage into bad break-up territory? When your favorite friend is in danger of retiring from the game too quickly, can you sexercise said sweetheart in an effort to resurrect them from post-traumatic break-up disorder? Everyone always said a little extra love and care goes a long way but when the embrace goes from innocent to intense before you have a chance to draw the line, does that erase the former friendship forever or make the bond with a bff stronger? So far, I’ve heard that sexercising the babe back from the land of the dead is mainly mandatory in terms the hopes of saving his sanity. The party consisting of the fairer sex is the one deserving of a little second thought since she/male relations tend to hold more emotional baggage for a miss rather than a monsieur. My suggestion? Make damn sure he’s worth a little scandal so that when the convo goes from a text to a sextversation, your friendship doesn’t get deleted along with years (and an entire inbox) worth of history.

After a long three-day week, Thanksgiving was finally upon us. I was truly looking forward to good food, family and friends. I began Thanksgiving Day preparing the goodies I was bringing to my parents’ and catching up on emails. It wasn’t long after I arrived at my parents’ home that I was bombarded with the questions; “No date this year?  Are we ever going to have grandchildren by our first born? Do you enjoy being alone? You get my drift, right?”

After avoiding the questions and trying to quiet my irritation due to the typical line of questioning, it happened! My cousin who was supposed to bring a date to dinner showed up alone. Don’t get me wrong I felt bad for the guy.  His date stood him up and he really did look defeated. But, for the first time in a VERY long time the focus wasn’t on me. He was bombarded with the questions. I couldn’t help but grin to myself. I got to eat Thanksgiving dinner without having to defend my singleness. It was a nice change of pace. A bit evil of me, but such a relief!

When temps in Los Scandolous drop low enough to actually make wearing a hoody a necessity more than a hipster fashion statement, you know winter has finally entered the City of (often fallen) Angels. So after the post-turkey tryptophan fest 2009, how does a single girl in the big city survive holiday hell? Simple, she bands together with her beautiful bffs and ceases the quest for the perfect mid-frost fling. Instead, she’ll trade in the dinner-and-a-movie deal for the even more tempting date with her dolls, and enjoy the gift that keeps on giving.  Let’s face it, more often than not, your girls are better equipped to handle the various spectrum of emotions capable of gal on the go, more so than any boy is able to grasp. So for one entire month ignore the dude that acts empathetic to your one of many different moods and don’t let the too-tempting snake charm his way into your heart (and pants). If he’s truly just that into you, he’ll wait for oh-ten. Until then, enjoy a little quality time with the ones that stick by you a total of twelve months throughout the year, instead of the one whose expiration date lasts less than thirty twenty-four hour rounds.

Another year passes with the start of the holiday season.  Nothing is better than the holiday spirit in NYC! Sure, did I think I’d be celebrating with my apparently LOST spouse and kids, hell yeah, but such is life and fate with its mysterious twists and turns. Fortunately, I’ll be spending it with my wonderful family, which always involves much laughter, thankfully some catering, and a great celebration with friends and family. During what has been an extraordinarily difficult time for many people this year, I am grateful for all my blessings and hope much joy, peace and easier times ahead for those affected by 2009.

Happy Thanksgiving!