Dear Tamar,

I have read the advice and followed all the recommendations (lots of pictures, upbeat, friendly, personal, identifying common interests, etc.), but have had limited activity.  If I could have a dime for every man that I have contacted who says, “thanks for your interest, but I have recently begun a serious relationship,” I’d be wealthy. I also find these same men trolling on 100hookup the next day and many days after. The second most common response is to just not answer. What can I do better?

Dear What Can I Do Better?

There are always things we can improve upon, but I commend you for making such a good effort. So listen — the guys who are telling you they’ve recently begun a serious relationship are trying to let you down easy. Give them credit for at least responding and not just ignoring you or replying with something rude. Girls do it too. I know I have before. On the same hand, not all the guys who don’t respond are rejecting you, they may just not have a paid membership and can’t check their email inbox. I suggest a profile makeover for starters, utilizing an honest male friend to help you edit. Narrow down the number of photos you use to just a few great ones and make sure your paragraphs are short but sweet, and not too revealing.  I would also recommend you scaling back a little — make sure the guys are viewing you and you’re viewing them, Hot List them, see if you Click! and Flirt. If you decide to initiate email contact (hopefully you’ll receive so many emails you won’t need to send one yourself…but just in case), make sure you’re not coming on too strong or exposing too much about yourself. Simply list what got your attention, something(s) you have in common and then let them know how to contact you if they are interested. Finally, don’t mention the negative experiences you’ve had on 100hookup at least until the 2nd date. Good luck!

Dear Tamar,

I’m ready to meet someone special and after a long period of self reflection, I’ve refreshed my 100hookup profile to try again.  My profile is packed with information and the best photos I have of myself. I’ve even recruited my good female friends, who know me well, to check my profile and make suggestions to show myself in the best light. My messages to other members are personalized, upbeat and I try my best to refer to something I find interesting in their profile, but I’m still getting almost no responses. It’s becoming discouraging and as my confidence is fragile, I’m losing heart fast. What else can I do to make a positive impact and encourage others to reply? I’d really appreciate some advice. Thanks.

Dear Back in the Game,

It sounds like you’re doing all the right things and have the right motivation, but patience and not letting rejection get the best of you are important traits to have in the dating game. You are getting some responses, so it’s not like your efforts are going unnoticed, but there are some things you need to be made aware of. For starters, if a 100hookup member is not a paid member that means she cannot access her mail and therefore, has no idea that you contacted her to begin with. Secondly, reassess your approach — are you coming on too strong too quickly? Did you repeatedly view, Flirt, Click!, Hot List, etc. before sending an email? Try using that approach first as it is similar to hitting on a girl at a bar (eye contact, smile, waiting for the hair flip, etc). Don’t give up hope and don’t stop trying — yes, you will get rejected but the more you try the better your odds will be at finding your beshert. Good luck!

Dear Tamar,

I met a new guy on Tuesday night and we liked one another…he asked me out for the following night, but I was busy so we scheduled a date for Saturday night. It’s Friday now and I haven’t heard from him. He had said we were getting together for sure on Saturday night so my question is, since he hasn’t called yet to make firm plans, should I call him or wait till he calls me? Thanks in advance.

Dear Second Date Dilemma,

As women we’re taught to believe that if we call a guy he’ll think we’re overly-aggressive and will scare him off. But, I say you have nothing to lose except plans with someone else on Saturday night. Go ahead and call him.  Be upbeat and cheerful and simply ask him casually if you are still on for tomorrow — but don’t turn it into a long conversation and don’t tell him you were nervous he was going to stand you up. If he doesn’t answer leave a message with the same question using a positive tone of voice. Chances are (I hope) that he felt the plans were concrete so he was going to wait until Saturday to discuss where to meet, etc. Guys can be a little dense like that and sometimes fail to realize that we ladies like to primp and prep, especially for a Saturday night — prime night — date. If he says no or doesn’t answer and doesn’t call you back, well that sucks, plain and simple. Hopefully he’ll call to apologize at which point you can decide if you want to give him a second chance, or he’s just a dud and you’ll remember that one awesome date, but I bet he just hadn’t gotten around to calling yet and that you will have an awesome date  tomorrow! Good luck!

It doesn’t feel good when someone doesn’t respond to your email, accept your invitation to chat via Instant Messenger, or call you after a first or second date, however, these are inevitable parts of not only the online dating experience but also dating in general. Over time, and through experience, we all might get better at letting these disappointments roll off our backs; however it is human nature to feel a sense of rejection in each of these situations. This feeling is the price we pay for putting ourselves out there, and giving ourselves a chance to meet someone special.

The alternative to this proactive approach is that we sit back and wait for someone to find us and sweep us off our feet, but is that really a likely scenario? Even if a more passive, “wait and see” approach was a viable option, does that really guarantee that we aren’t going to incur any negative feelings from the dating process just because the other person found us and put themselves out there first? With the ball in our court we still stand the chance that our response won’t be perceived well, either via email or on a first date, and that will abruptly end the interaction.

Furthermore, waiting around for people to contact you limits the number of people you meet, and leaves you at the mercy of those who randomly stumble across your profile. This is in stark contrast to someone who puts themselves out there by continuously looking for people that attract their interest, and then attempting to begin a correspondence with them, who in the process might run more of a risk of getting hurt or disappointed. But they also have a much higher chance of meeting a lot of interesting people and having an abundance of new experiences in the process.

Maybe my more proactive approach to dating isn’t the norm.  I know that guys are the ones who are typically supposed to take the lead in these types of situations, but I say regardless of your age, sex or past dating experiences that we all owe it to ourselves to embrace dating as a fun and unique challenge where each experience is different and an opportunity to develop into something great. So please don’t sit back and wait for the perfect situation to fall into your lap when you can take control by going out and finding it for yourself. Sure, along the way there will be some disappointments and agonizing moments, but there will also be ones of pure joy and satisfaction, which in my opinion makes it all worthwhile many times over.

Dear Tamar,

I have been a long time on-again-off-again 100hookupr®. I can’t figure out what I am doing wrong this time around. I obviously have not found true love but in the past, I have gotten to email, IM and meet lots of candidates. Now, I am constantly getting refusals to even IM?! Why don’t any of the guys want to IM? It’s not like I said something and they discontinue the conversation. They won’t even give me a chance?!?!?  Any suggestions??

Dear I’m Hating IM,

I can’t even begin to tell you how many people think they are getting rejected by someone via Instant Messenger when in actuality they are IMing someone who either isn’t at their computer, doesn’t know IM exists or how IM works, may be at work, may not have the necessary Flash program downloaded on their computer, or may be logged on to 100hookup but not have the screen up and therefore do not hear or see that they have an IM waiting for them. In other words, don’t fret. Instead, utilize the other 100hookup tools to let someone know you’re interested or to make contact: repeatedly view profiles, Hot List, Flirt, Click! and send e-mails. Don’t stop trying to make contact via IM, but don’t become a stalker and continue trying to make contact with someone who isn’t responding just in case they are getting your IMs and simply aren’t interested. Good luck!

Dear Gems from Jen,

I am rejoining the single scene after quite some time. I am looking for one special woman. If I go out with a woman and she is nice and pleasant, but not quite what I am looking for, how do you end the date or do you follow up later and explain to her that she is not the one? This part really worries me because I try to be nice to everyone and I can handle a woman telling me, but I do not know how to tell this to a woman.

Thank you,
Not a Clue

Dear Not a Clue,

I understand how difficult and uncomfortable this part of dating can be. Being nice is one thing, but being too nice can have negative consequences for not just the woman, but you as well. For example, she might be highly interested and you, without even knowing it may be keeping her hopes high. It could also put you in an uncomfortable situation. For instance, there is always the possibility she might become angry with you for stringing her along. If you are on a date and realize you have no interest in the woman by all means let her know. It is much “nicer” to be honest. You can do this tactfully. Let her know what a good time you are having, but also let her know there is not a romantic connection. Dating does not have to be the end all. Keep in mind there are a lot of great women out there and there is nothing wrong with making some new friends. Remember, you are looking for that one special person, so being nice to yourself is just as important as being nice to the people around you.

Signed,
Gems from Jen