Dear Tamar,

I’ve been attempting to get in contact with this girl whom I’d like to get to know. But I’m not getting anywhere.

She originally viewed my profile and after looking at hers I decided to send her a message. I didn’t get a response but she did look at my profile again, good news I guess. I then waited a few days to see if she would reply to my message and still nothing.

I then sent a follow up message and again no response but she viewed my profile again. I’m not 100% sure what this means but I think that she’s interested but somewhat unsure about responding.

Do you have any advice? She seems like someone who I can develop a relationship with.

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Dear Viewing Game,

First, look to see if your email to her was “read” or not. If it was read by her and she hasn’t yet responded but she’s still viewing your profile then perhaps write her again and jokingly let her know that you know she’s unsure about whether to respond and that you’ll make it worth her effort, or that she won’t be disappointed, or something else fun and light-hearted.

If your message isn’t showing as “read” then unfortunately it sounds like she may not have a paid 100hookup account. Obviously being able to contact prospective 100hookuprs is the biggest reason to get a paid account and sometimes people wait until they have someone who’ve they’ve played this viewing game with before finally joining. Try sending her a flirt since she can see that without being a subscriber. She won’t be able to respond but it might be the catalyst to finally getting her to subscribe.

The final option is to try and catch her online so that you can instant message her. Again, you have to be a subscriber to begin the IM session but she doesn’t have to be a subscriber to answer. Now, go get her!

Need more tips on hookup dating? How to Woo a Jew has your answers! Buy the book and follow on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook!

Dear Tamar,

I had a 100hookupr send me an email (he was not my type, and not someone I would want to go out with), but I want to respond to the email as I think it rude not to. He asked me specific questions from my profile. Please help on how I can respond nicely, but let him know that I am not interested without hurting his feeling.

Thanks!

-Polite Rejection

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Dear Polite Rejection,

It sounds like your prospect has read my tips on how to write an awesome first email! The flip side is what you’re experiencing — getting that really great email and still not being interested, but wanting to show appreciation for the effort. And that’s exactly what you should write:

“Thank you so much for your email… I can see that you put a lot of thought into it and I really appreciate it. Unfortunately I just don’t think we are a match. I wanted to make sure you knew that the effort you put into the email didn’t go unnoticed, but I also didn’t want to leave you hanging. Best of luck to you in this crazy dating world!”

Play around with those sentences so that it is authentic to your voice. Recognizing the effort and adding a bit of humor at the end will help soften the rejection.

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Dear Tamar,

Is it common for younger men to email older women because I’ve gotten more messages from men in their late 30’s than I’m comfortable with. Why would 39-year-olds be contacting a 58-year-old? Opportunists?

-Not a Cougar

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Dear Not a Cougar,

Could a man 20 years your senior be an opportunist? Sure. Could it be that you are a pretty and young-looking woman who has a lot to offer and attracts men of all ages? Absolutely! Depending upon what you’re looking for — which I believe to be a companion for the next half of your life — you will need to review each man’s profile to see how he presents himself and what he is looking for before eliminating them. Of course, you can have a strict minimum to your age range and if that doesn’t start with the number 3_ or 4_, then so be it.

At the end of the day you need to be comfortable with the other person, and if their age is going to bother you then don’t lead these men on. Take it as a compliment and say so: “I’m so flattered that you took the time to email me and you seem really sweet, but I think I would be more comfortable with someone closer to my age. Good luck to you!”

Reader email regarding March’s post “Help Me Write Emails Please!”

Tamar:

Your advice is good. However, no matter how uninspiring the email, courtesy and regard for another’s feelings REQUIRE a response. Just because this is the anonymity of the internet does not excuse rude behavior. When someone writes, they are paying you a compliment. They are saying, “I think you are attractive.” If someone said that to you at a social gathering, you would not ignore them. Don’t do it on the internet. A simple, “Thank you, but no, thank you…” (not, of course in those words), would suffice. This goes for both men and women.

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Dear Reader:

I totally agree. If you receive an email from a prospect you’re not interested in, it is good karma to reply and thank them for their interest but let them know you don’t think it would be a match, and then wish them luck. Do not give a reason why it won’t be a match, this is not the time to hurt someone’s feelings.

It’s definitely an awkward email to write but it is one that is worthwhile. If you were the one sending the initial email, then you would be appreciative of a response — even if it is a rejection because otherwise you will be left wondering, checking to see if they’ve logged on recently and if they’ve read the email yet, and why they aren’t responding. And when you receive those emails, don’t get mad or take it personally because that’s not the response you would want the other party to have when you send your “rejection” emails.

You might be making a mistake by rejecting a prospect, and a prospect might be making a mistake by rejecting you, but that’s just one of the unfortunate parts of the dating game. It’s actually easier to accept it, move on, and put your efforts into pursuing or being pursued by someone with mutual interest.

Hi Tamar,

Is it okay to tell women that you think they are pretty or attractive? It seems women don’t care about compliments any longer. If a guy is honest and would like to compliment a woman, she doesn’t even say thank you, instead it’s ignored. Am I too old school?

-Compliment Quandary

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Hi Compliment Quandary,

Yes, you should give a compliment if you feel like it. Sharing something positive about someone is never a bad thing… and if that makes you old school then that’s a good thing! Make a mental note if the woman didn’t show gratitude, but don’t necessarily count her out.

It’s tough to have continuity in an email conversation when you are stopping to say thank you for a specific compliment, answering the question you should be including, and then trying to add to the conversation. Sometimes people show gratitude for compliments by returning one of their own, so look out for that because it’s more than acceptable.

Some people don’t know how to accept compliments and that doesn’t make them a bad person, but eventually you may need to say, “You’re beautiful; please believe me, accept the compliment and say thank you or I’m going to have to keep telling you you’re beautiful.”

Hi Tamar,

I have no idea how to start a conversation with someone I’m interested in. What should I say that’s not too much… but just enough.

Thank you,

Lost in Conversation

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Hi Lost in Conversation,

Great question! Interestingly, when both people are already intrigued by the other’s profile, it really doesn’t matter how you start the email as long as you take the time to send one. That said, here is an example that you can play around with and personalize:

Hi there,

I was attracted to your profile by your photos, but I was really impressed by what you wrote, especially _____________. We have a lot in common (which you can see by reading my profile) and I’m always excited to meet people who also love ________________. Have you ever ________________?

Looking forward to hearing from you,

Sam

Dear Tamar,

I read all the tips on how to send that first email to ladies. I also emailed more than a dozen ladies on 100hookup and not one of them responded. I think the fact that I am shy and inexperienced may have something to do with it, but I’m not sure. Here is the email that I sent to the ladies on 100hookup:

100hookup.com probably thinks our profiles matched so I’m sending you this email. It is cool. If you are interested in continuing this research, please write me back when you have a chance.
Best Wishes,
xxx

Do you have any advice for me as to how I can change this email? Or maybe something I can put in this email so that when I email the ladies on the website they will respond to me? Please let me know. Have a good day and I look forward to speaking/hearing from you soon.

Best Wishes,
xxx

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Dear Inexperienced Emailer:

You weren’t kidding when you said you were inexperienced! Your email is awkward, stiff, and, well, awkward. Emails to prospective dates should not be so formal, or appear to be copy/pasted, or appear to be written by Google translate for that matter.

Since you are writing to a prospect on 100hookup they know that something attracted you to them — so what was it aside from being told you’re a match? You shouldn’t be writing every single prospect an email, only the ones who fit the majority of your preferences and whom you’re attracted to. That said, you should write what it is that you’re attracted to that made the prospect worthy of your time and effort to write the email.

End the short email with a question that addresses something in their profile and shows that you want to get to know them better. You need to prove that you actually looked at their profile by writing both with a compliment and a question, being conversational and casual, and adding in a somewhat flirt tone as well.

Good luck!

“Relationships can be harder now because conversations become texting, arguments become phone calls, and feelings become status updates.” -unknown

Technology has changed dating as we know it. But you don’t have to let it get the best of you and your relationships. Utilize technology to your benefit: meet someone on 100hookup (online dating), exchange a few messages (email), call to make plans (phone), and send a quick message when you’re running a few minutes late (text), and do a quick search to make sure your date is who they say they are (social media). Do not use any of those paths to hold a deep and personal conversation or get into an argument or to be passive aggressive about how you’re feeling at any given time. Face-to-face interaction is always best.

Too much can get lost in translation when you’re using technology, and frankly, it also shows a lack of effort. If you like someone and see a future with them (or if you care about someone enough to show them some respect), then put down the phone, close the laptop, turn off bluetooth, and plug in to some one-on-one time without any distraction.

It’s easy to get excited once you start emailing with someone on 100hookup. You feel as though you’ve already jumped through so many hoops and passed so many tests (think of all the possible prospects out there that you DON’T end up emailing with and you’ll get what I mean). The problem with this excitement is that you don’t actually know the other person, and that anticipation builds with each email, and so do your expectations.

When you don’t get an email response within what you consider a timely manner, don’t freak out! Your match could have a deadline at work, or be tending to a sick family member, or helping a friend with an emergency. And if you catch your correspondent on 100hookup’s Instant Messenger and they don’t respond, don’t automatically consider it a rejection; you don’t know if they forgot to log out and aren’t even at their computer, or if they don’t have the time to properly respond so they don’t want to engage in conversation. Just send a message saying you’re sorry you missed them on IM and that you hope to catch up soon. Then wait for a reply with an explanation as to why they didn’t IM back. This is why I suggest using 100hookup’s email to make plans and then meet as soon as possible so there isn’t anything lost in translation.

You contact someone on 100hookup and after not hearing back for a few days, you forget about the potential match and move on… just to get an email three weeks later apologizing for the delay. Do you accept the apology and respond?

Here’s my take: Short answer — yes. Long answer — absolutely!

100hookuprs meet each other and want to see where a successful first or second date could lead… so they stop actively checking 100hookup until they know where it’s heading. Why should you eliminate a prospect for giving a relationship a chance? Or, the person allowed their 100hookup membership to expire and then checked their account just to see your smiling face looking at them from the screen with the message icon blinking next to it. And so they re-up their membership and contact you. Again, why should you eliminate a prospect for not knowing you contacted them? You shouldn’t.

Give everyone a chance. What do you have a lose? A couple of hours and a couple of bucks grabbing a coffee, a beer or some appetizers? Totally worth it! Reply now and let bygones by bygones.