When leafing through profiles as of late, I’ve noticed quite a few where the woman’s list of things she likes didn’t distinguish her very much from other carbon-based lifeforms…

Dining… music… likes to laugh…

Who doesn’t enjoy ingesting food? Who doesn’t appreciate the result of notes strung together to form melodies? Who doesn’t embrace “the spontaneous sounds and movements of the face and body that are the instinctive expressions of amusement?” (Who doesn’t like Wikipedia?)

I, myself, would be more liable to remember candidates with quirkier likes:

Venting as I enjoy a mentally healthy salad by squeezing the water out of a head of lettuce as I simultaneously scream obscenities … Making the people in public places think I’m a somebody by engaging in imaginary conversations with Angelina Jolie on my cell phone… Telling a telemarketer who finally picks up after making me wait forever on hold that I’m the police, and they’re wanted for killing my time.

A recent Newsweek® article cites a Cornell University and University of Wisconsin study that people who lie less on their dating profiles tend to more often refer to themselves as “I”. The relatively honest cyber daters also used more direct adjectives like “exciting,” versus “not boring.”

Their most frequent fib? Weight. Women shed an average of 8.5 bogus pounds. Men, an average of 1.5.

So as a forthright 100hookupr®, let me assure the women out there that I am not only not boring, but I am also not overweight. Wait, “not boring” and “not overweight” are indirect adjectives. I am scintillating. I am lean and mean. Not mean, as in ornery, mind you. Wait, I forgot the “I” there. I am not mean, as in ornery! Unless you like them ornery.

If I can’t pander to you during a political year, when can I pander to you?

Everything you know about a date before meeting her for the first time has only been imagined in your head. Yes, there are profile photos and shit written about people, but 1. How accurately do these represent the person most of the time? and 2. If you’re a guy, how much of this stuff do you actually read in the first place? If you’re a guy, for example, you always, always, look at all of their pics before doing anything else. This is not advice I’m giving, this is just what men do when looking at a woman’s profile. Always. If you get a random message from some guy you’ve never talked to before, and he says he likes your profile, he is talking about your photos. I promise you.

If, however, you have chatted a little, then maybe he’ll test the waters a bit and read the first few words of the first sentence that you wrote about yourself. Mathematically speaking, you must chat with a man 972 times before he actually reads your entire profile. That is just science. And math.

If you’re a woman looking at a man’s profile, you are also drawn to look at his pics first. However, you peruse the ‘lettery’ part of the profile before deciding to chat with him. This does not mean that women are smarter than men, or vice versa. It only means that men need more of an instant gratification and the woman’s brain isn’t wired to send electronic impulses to the genitalia before anything else.

I think that it would be a great idea for 100hookup do adopt a more progressive type of dating service. By this, I mean that all female profiles should have room for 100 photos and no written information, and all male profiles should display one photo and an Anna Karenina amount of written information. I think that this would make everyone’s lives a little easier, and help improve match efficiency. Women, are you tired of incredibly short profiles that are loaded with tons of shirtless bathroom pics? Men, are you tired of profiles with words in them? I think so.

After being on 100hookup for a long enough time, I can’t help but be cynical about every single profile I read. The phrase, “I’m a down to earth girl” may have one time had a meaning. This meaning was probably really nice and pleasant and implied only good things. Today, however, that phrase means absolutely nothing. It’s also annoying. What is ‘down to earth’? Of course, it’s not supposed to be taken literally. Or is it?

Okay, assuming it has nothing to do with a woman’s gravitational force and its relationship with the earth, what else is left? I suppose it implies friendliness. Down to earth. It could mean that you are able to cut through the bull. You don’t deal with superficialities. You’re not just skin deep. You’re a straight shooter. Oh no! I can’t even describe a cliché without using another cliché!

Alright, so I can’t really describe why I hate ‘down to earth’, and I don’t really know why I hate it. But I do. I hate it so much. I’m assuming that since you decided to describe yourself without simply posting a promiscuous picture with no words that you’re ‘down to earth’. Actually, all you have to do is write words. Any words at all. And any man will automatically assume that you are down to earth. It is completely implied. Don’t worry. Also, I’m not speaking for myself, but some men enjoy women who are not down to earth. Some men like aesthetics and pageantry. They seek an old-fashioned courtship, aside from the fact they are hypocrites because they are seeking it on the internet. Guys are just horrible.

In my past blog entries I breifly discussed the importance of a male having a great online dating profile. 

But what about women?  How often have you seen a beautiful girls profile on a dating site that had three sentences or less?  Yet, this same woman is probably receiving HUNDREDS of emails a week.

The reasons behind this is simple.  As I frequently write about, the male and female mind are wired so differently.  While females may be attracted to a male based on many qualities right off the bat, males are completely visual creatures.  For the most part we zoom in on looks first and worry about everything else later.  It is natural instinct, programmed into our DNA.

So what does this mean for these beautiful women?  To put it bluntly, a great profile is not neccessary.  Even if they fill one out with tremendous effort trying to sort out the people that message them, most guys will completely ignore this, feeling powerless to stop themselves from trying anyway!

It may be unfair to us guys out there, but sorry to say, beautiful women just don’t need to put the type of effort we put forth.  Maybe we should start making them pay for dinner to make up for this!

As someone who writes profiles for other men on a frequent basis, I am often finding myself in shock at the overt sexuality that many men seem to use in their profiles.

I mean seriously, some of these profiles are just plain creepy before I get my hands on them and tweek them!

Look, women like sex.  We all know that.  But a women has to be COMFORTABLE with you before she wants to hear anything about sex.  And if she doesn’t then she’s probably not the type of woman who you want!

Unfortunately, many profiles I read are filled with innuendos from men that hint at the fact that they are great in bed, or work well with their hands.

This will send a women running faster from your profile than you can imagine.

A hint of flirtatiousness in a profile = Good.

Overtly acting sexual and referring to sex = BAD.

If you enjoy sex and are even good at it, relax, the girl you are chasing will find out eventually if she likes you!  No need to write about it in an online dating profile.  This will pay off much better in the long run, I can promise that!

Hi Tamar,

I’m new to this whole online dating thing.  What’s the best way to go about it?

Thanks

Dear Let’s Get it Started,

My suggestion would be to first take a look at my past columns about creating a screen name, picking photos, writing “About Me” and choosing your preferences. Then use the search engine to check out your competition and see what their photos look like, how their paragraphs read and so on. Then take your time to craft your profile. Finally, ask some bluntly honest friends and/or family critique your profile. Once that’s done, go through your first round of matches and select who you want to Click!® with so they know you’re interested. Now go get JDating ®!

One of the reasons I suggest meeting your 100hookup matches right away is because you need to maintain some semblance of normalcy when it comes to conversation. Since you’ve divulged more information than you would typically about each other in your profiles, too much emailing and phone calling will only make your actual first date feel much more serious than it actually is. Stay within the parameters of the questions asked in the 100hookup profile so that your first date doesn’t feel (or proceed) more like a 3rd date — since it isn’t.

Instead, ask for details about the fill-in the blank questions and multiple choice questions — Why did you choose the university and the major you did? Why did you pick the career path you did and is it what you wanted to be when you were growing up? Where did you grow up and how did you pick where to settle down? Stick to the basics and censor yourself before divulging information that is, to put it bluntly, none of your date’s business — at least not yet. On the first few dates, regale your date with the funny, positive and interesting stories about yourself and leave the deeper, sad and bewildering stories for later on in the relationship. Hopefully you will be able to charm enough with the former to leave plenty of time for the latter.

Dear Tamar,

Having read a number of “about me” essays on here, I noticed many are extremely short and non-specific.  Because the other pages are essentially check boxes that are answered similarly by many, I view this essay as one of the most critical ways to get to know that person. In light of this, I made my essay somewhat lengthy and fairly specific. How should I go about describing myself?  Any do’s or don’ts?

Dear Enough About Me… What Do You Think About Me?,

Great question! I agree that most people should write more about themselves because no one really looks too closely at the check boxes unless they’re looking for something specific. BUT, your About Me essay shouldn’t be too long or too specific. Remember, you want to get their attention and stand out from the crowd, but keep some information to yourself so you have some fresh material for your first dates.

Here are my tips:

1) This is not a job interview so make sure your tone is relaxed and casual, fun and flirty.
2) Sell yourself but don’t be generic. Instead of saying “I’m funny” say “I’ll have you laughing so hard you’ll  pee your pants” or “I guarantee you’ll laugh everyday.”
3) Try not to use or overuse cliches. “I like long walks on the beach” is so unoriginal!
4) Spell check and grammar check even if you have to type your essay in Word and then copy & paste it.

Most of all make sure the first few words are good ones because they’ll show up on searches. I’ve seen some profiles that turned me off just by four words even when I thought the person in the picture was attractive! Good luck!

Dear Gems from Jen,

I have gone out five times with this cute guy, who is a true gentleman and is looking for marriage (at least he wrote that in his profile). He is generous and smart, and keeps telling me he is comfortable being with me and that I am so pretty and smart and so on. He plans the dates based on my schedule and picks me up and usually has the entire evening planned. We also spent Valentine’s Day together and he brought me red roses, but he still logs on to his profile every night and it bothers me seeing him online. After how many dates should he stop checking out other girls online?

Thank you so much.

Dear Still Online,

My first question is; how do you know he is still online? Are you watching him or are you still looking at profiles, too? It can be very tempting to watch people online; however, it is usually not a productive activity and tends to lead to mistrust. My suggestion is to give this new relationship a bit more time.  Five dates is a great start, but a long-term, exclusive relationship it is not. See where things go. Take it slowly. Get to really know this person and let things progress naturally. Once the relationship becomes exclusive then the conversation regarding checking out other girls online will be appropriate. When two people commit to one another, looking at profiles is not an activity either one needs to be engaging in, but until that time he, just as you, can continue to look at profiles without feeling badly.

Signed,

Gems from Jen