The only reason I am writing this post is so that my coworkers at work won’t want to kill themselves at about 2:30 today. However, this is not just philanthropic. I also want to hear laughs all around me while you guys are reading this. Laugh! If you happen to be someone far from my desk, Morgan, laugh much harder. If anyone asks why you’re laughing, tell them that your pregnancy has made you lose touch with reality and run out of the office yelling some nonsense about how you must immediately go to the beach so that you can lay your egg with all of the other sea turtles.

Okay, I’m not going to mention anybody else here. I don’t want to play favorites. I also don’t want to get into any kind of trouble. You’re all my favorite. Kind of like how during school, whoever happened to be sitting next to you at lunch on Friday was your favorite because you were in the midst of eating a fried chicken sandwich.

I’m not going to talk about work anymore. I’ve said too much. Let’s stay on topic.

I’m at a weird place where I don’t exactly have to lie to women anymore, but I also shouldn’t really tell them the truth. Yeah, I make enough money to feed myself and go out on weekends, so I don’t really have to lie about my income, but that’s partly because I’m not married, and my only investments consist of products you can regularly buy at Subway, Chili’s, and websites that sell socks. I’ve lost a lot of weight, so I don’t have to post misleading photos on my profile, but I haven’t really groomed my body at all below my neck since the weight has come off. I wear my mouthpiece at night now at night to prevent my teeth from grinding, so my mouth no longer looks like I habitually abuse crystal meth. But since I didn’t use that mouthpiece for so long my teeth will eventually be ground down enough to the point where I will look somewhat homeless, which will actually be appropriate, because I will be completely homeless. Homeless people almost never wear their nighttime orthopedic mouth guards. They are so irresponsible.

A recent Newsweek® article cites a Cornell University and University of Wisconsin study that people who lie less on their dating profiles tend to more often refer to themselves as “I”. The relatively honest cyber daters also used more direct adjectives like “exciting,” versus “not boring.”

Their most frequent fib? Weight. Women shed an average of 8.5 bogus pounds. Men, an average of 1.5.

So as a forthright 100hookupr®, let me assure the women out there that I am not only not boring, but I am also not overweight. Wait, “not boring” and “not overweight” are indirect adjectives. I am scintillating. I am lean and mean. Not mean, as in ornery, mind you. Wait, I forgot the “I” there. I am not mean, as in ornery! Unless you like them ornery.

If I can’t pander to you during a political year, when can I pander to you?

Dear Tamar,

I just recently started dating, this is my first experience in life, and I’m 40 years old. Because of many reasons I didn’t feel comfortable putting my real age, so I created a profile as a 38 year old woman. And guess what? I met an amazing guy, and we’ve been together for almost 6 months; he is 54, and he is always honest about his age and everything else. He asked me several times just as part of the conversation, and I keep confirming my wrong age, because I simply cannot say the real thing. It’s funny, but I just cannot do it for such a long time. And I want to be completely honest with him… so now I don’t know what to do and how to approach this issue. How to handle this situation? I think that this will spoil our relationship.

Dear Lying for Too Long,

Yikes, it sounds like you’ve had many opportunities to tell your boyfriend the truth and I’m not sure why you didn’t come clean then. And since he keeps asking, I’m pretty sure he probably already knows. In 6 months I’m sure he’s been able to sneak a peek at your driver’s license or do the math of when you graduated high school. At 54 years old, I bet he’d be happy to hear that you’re closer to his age. Funny thing is, at his age and assuming his age range preferences, you probably would have met him anyways! Your boyfriend may be upset at first because you have, after all,  lied to him for six months, but I bet he’ll get over it. It is only 2 years. I think the best way to confess is to be perfectly honest. The next time the subject of age comes up, just tell him. It will be awkward at first, but if you tell him exactly what you told me — you felt you needed to lie in order to meet someone and then you met him and things just happened so fast you didn’t know how to tell him the truth. And now you want things to move on to the next level with him so you had to come clean. Add that you know it may not be easy to digest but that you hope your relationship is strong enough to survive. Again, it’s only 2 years! Hopefully he agrees with me. Good luck!

Dear Tamar,

I was dating this guy long distance who I met on 100hookup. He thought I was 3 years younger and when I told him my true age he said I lied and abruptly broke up with me. He said he cannot handle a lie because he had been lied to before. We had only seen each other twice over about 4 or so months when he came to town for two weekends but he said that I lied for too long. He said that if I would have told him the truth anytime beforehand he would have been okay with it. What happened?

Dear Lying About Your Age,

I’ve gotten so many emails from people asking if it’s okay to lie about your age so that you’re not blocked out by someone’s age preference. And if you decide to do so, when should you ‘fess up? I’m not going to endorse lying, but if you’re going to do so then you need to admit your real age right away when you meet. It’s not fair to let someone get to know you and like you when you’ve misrepresented yourself. It’s simple — when you first meet someone, exchange pleasantries and then stop the conversation and come clean. Let them know your motivation was pure and that if they’re not cool with it you understand but that you hope your connection is strong enough to continue the date.

As for the guy you already went out with, write him an email. Take your time writing it, make sure there are no typos or grammatical errors to distract him from your message and explain what happened. Let him know how much you like him and that you thought you had already told him about your real age. Apologize and ask him to forgive you based on the connection you created. Since some time has passed, it will allow him to calm down about the whole ordeal and he can read your reasoning at his pace, and he may change his mind. But he may not. It can’t hurt to try.

It is nearly impossible to compete with other men on 100hookup. This is especially true when these men make outrageous claims about themselves.  However, I am able to confidently tell women true facts about myself that cannot be refuted by research.

There’s nothing wrong with being a man with a Bachelor’s degree in History that does amateur stand-up comedy.  Ladies, who aren’t single, ask your boyfriend/husband/fiancé to get up on stage in front of thirty drunken men that are upset that the Houston Texans just lost another game.  Now try to make them laugh.  Though I recently found out that this is almost impossible, as hardcore, grieving NFL fans do not care about your humorous adventures in dating, I at least try.  It is often not fun or rewarding, but it does give me confidence in everyday situations that I didn’t know I had.

I’m no longer nervous about telling my boss to stop yelling at me.  I’ve also lost the inherent fear of becoming a teacher.  If I can stand up to angry adults, I can probably stand up to bored children.  Though my stand-up routine is largely unusable in a classroom situation, I am not terrified of public speaking.  My high school debate teacher once told our class that though he is very good at speaking in public, he still has a lifelong fear of public speaking.  Though I would grow to be horrified by this warlock-like man, I now understand what he meant.

Dear Tamar,

I’ve been a 100hookup member for about four months and have been chatting with someone since July. In our 1st chat he gave me his personal email, but since then his profile has been unavailable.  What does it mean?? He’s a widow and really interesting…but something weird is going on.  He told me he lives in NYC, but he’s been in Egypt for a month…and if I ask something personal he doesn’t answer. How do I know if he is telling the truth??

Dear Truth Teller,

If you have to ask the question then you probably already know the answer. This guy sounds super sketchy. He’s interesting because he’s making up interesting stuff to impress you. He’s totally unavailable and doesn’t reveal anything personal about himself. I would even go so far as to say he is either married or, at the very least, in a serious relationship. Sorry, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he sounds shady and I would suggest you block him, forget about him and move on to better (i.e. honest) men. If you feel like it, call him out on his conniving ways before you block him, but definitely forget about this loser! Good Luck!

Dear Gems from Jen,

Why do men lie about their age?  I personally would like to date an older man.  In my opinion an older, sophisticated man brings much more to the table offering stability and security, as well as goals met. This leaves much room for the successful development of a relationship. Of course, we all come with different baggage, but for me I would welcome a man ten to fifteen years older than myself. But, why would any woman be interested in starting a relationship being mislead. Why do men lie about their age?

Dear Pam,

I wish I had an answer that explained this mystery to you.  People don’t tell the truth for numerous reasons. I do believe our society tends to put the younger crowd on a pedestal. Getting older is looked upon by many as not attractive. I believe with age comes wisdom and a maturity that is very attractive. Not everyone feels this way though.  I agree, older men tend to bring stability to a relationship, but that does not mean younger men do not bring those same qualities to a relationship. I know, for me personally, I would not want to be misled; a lie is just that, a lie. An honest relationship requires being authentic from the very beginning, some people have a harder time at this than others. Do yourself a favor and make certain you put your age requirements in your profile. This way the men who are interested in getting to know you will not feel as they have to embellish the truth about themselves.

Signed,
Gems from Jen