Hi Tamar,

I have reached out, via a ‘Flirt’ or email, to a few different men.  They open my Flirt/email, but don’t reply. I would love some tips on initiating a better first message.

-“Flirt”

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Hi Flirt,

There is a method to the messaging madness. For starters, don’t send an uninitiated Flirt or email. What does that mean? It means not to send a message of any kind before you lay the groundwork. Communication should not come out of left field. View the prospect, check back the next day to see if he viewed you in return.

If he logged in, but did not view, then view him again and check again the following day. If again he logged in, but did not view you, then you can generally assume he isn’t interested. Don’t count him out, but don’t put any more energy into him either.

If the guy did view you back, then go ahead and add him to your Favorites. This is how a guy knows you’re into him.

In the meantime, go ahead and check out who has Favorited you and who has viewed you to see if there is anyone of interest that you can view/Favorite in return. This is on par with making and holding eye contact and then smiling from across a room.

Only after you’ve done this back-and-forth should you go ahead and send a Flirt or email. I suggest giving the guy a day or two to do this himself, as it’s his version of making the first move, but it’s not entirely unfavorable for you to click send first.

If you’re going to send a Flirt then make sure the one you choose either goes along with something that can be connected to your profile or his. I prefer skipping right over to an email, but sometimes a Flirt can be cute! The first email should be short and sweet — “Hi my name is Allison. It’s been fun ‘Flirting’ with you! I can’t believe you also like __________, I’ve never met anyone else who likes them/that. How did you first discover them/that? Hope you’re having a great day!” The line in the middle is to show one of your commonalities and to ask a question in order to garner a response.

All that said, if someone does not have a paid 100hookup membership then they cannot check their emails. You will be able to figure it out only after sending the email if you see that they’ve logged in, but not opened the email. Don’t take it personally. Most people do end up paying when their inbox starts to fill up. People just can’t resist!

Follow me on Instagram @HowToWooAJew

Dear Tamar,

Among the gentlemen I have “Secretly Admired,” there is this one guy I particularly like but he hasn’t “admired” me back. I’ve seen that he logged in recently, but there’s no record of him viewing my profile… which, of course, could be just due to his search setting not showing the profiles he views. I think there are good chances he did view my profile and is simply not interested. However, there are also some slim chances he just missed the admirer game.

To cut a long story short… should I email the guy? Or would I just make a complete fool of myself?

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Dear Should I Email?

The short answer is YES! You’re exactly right, his search preferences may not include you, or he may not know about the ability to use the “See Who’s Viewed You” function. Alas, he would need nearly all of his search preferences to exclude you in order for you to not show up, and nearly everyone uses the “Viewed You” function. Since he hasn’t even viewed your profile, then he may be judging a book by it’s cover and may not prefer your profile photo. Switch it up. Take some new photos.

At the end of the day though, don’t leave it to chance. Send him an email, but don’t bother including the details of “Secretly Admiring” him or constantly viewing him, just tell him you think he’s attractive, and note a few of the things you have in common.

100hookup has added lots of great new features including more questions. Take the time to answer at least the original questions so that you don’t end up looking shady with tons of blank spaces. People get suspicious when you repeatedly avoid answering a question. Your basic profile (multiple choice answers) really, really ought to be answered. Then answer as many questions as you can. You don’t necessarily need to answer every quiz  (if you answer every single little question every day then you can start to look a bit overanxious (read: desperate)) but you shouldn’t make it look like you’re trying to hide something.

Dear Tamar,

I’m shocked about why people don’t get you back to you when you e-mail them. WHY… don’t they complete their profiles if they are here to be serious? You’re here for a reason, so WHY not reply, be polite or at least fill in your profiles?

Dear Why oh WHY?,

I can sense your frustration in your CAPS LOCK, LOL. I’ll say this — if a person isn’t filling out their profile or replying to your email then its not someone you want to date so they’ve made it easy for you. It does suck and I don’t get it either. You’re right, why are these people on 100hookup if they’re not putting forth the full effort to meet their Beshert? I always recommend that people fill out their profiles fully and at least reply with a polite rejection. Try to keep your sanity by remembering that these people are not your Beshert and move on to the next prospect.

Dear Tamar,

I saw someone that I thought was really interesting so I sent her an email and asked her a question about something specific that I saw in her profile. She read the email and looked at my profile, but did not respond. The thing is, I really would like to communicate with her.  Should I try another route to approach her, or should I not be “that guy” and realize she is not interested?  Thanks!

Dear Repeat or Delete?,

The great thing about 100hookup is that you don’t lose anything by trying one more time. Sure, you could meet that person one day or have a friend in common, but for the most part chances are you’ll never run into each other so you’re not going to lose face by giving it one more shot. Both of you are on 100hookup to meet someone so why not try another route to get her attention? So far you’ve done everything right by asking her about something specific in her profile. She either isn’t interested, which is fine, or she’s ambivalent which means you have an opening to sway her in your direction. I would suggest trying the humor route, like “I saw that you checked me out, I hope my good looks didn’t scare you away” or something to that effect. Let her know that you know that she read your email and looked at your profile and try to appeal to her funny side — every girl likes a guy who can make her laugh! If she still doesn’t respond, then you know to move on.

Dear Tamar,

I have been on 100hookup for a few months. More than 100 men have viewed my profile. I am communicative and don’t hesitate to reach out. I don’t usually have self confidence issues, am optimistic and funny but no one responds to me. Many of those men seemed like serious, interesting people who I’d love to meet just for coffee. I do not mind being on my own, but I desire companionship and connections with other people. My father suggested it’s because I am healing from a spinal problem. I have so much to offer the right person, but I won’t be dishonest. Could people possibly be rejecting me because I can’t do cartwheels right now? The lack of response is disheartening, but also baffling. I tell myself I am only looking for one, but it doesn’t change the fact that no one responds to me. Any advice?

Dear What’s TMI?

I give you credit for making such an effort while recovering from a spinal injury. That said, I don’t think mentioning that injury is necessary in an introductory email and especially not in your profile — this includes not having photos showing your injury. You’re not lying; this information is simply none of their business at this point. To put it blunt — these guys are basically strangers right now. A disability, a divorce, or depression, or anything that could be seen as negative or as “baggage,” is TMI — too much information. My advice would be to not mention your injury and recovery until you are making plans to meet. The first date will probably take place at the typical bar, restaurant or coffee shop, so simply mention you’ll be arriving in a brace or using a walker or what-have-you and briefly explain why and offer to tell the whole story on the date. Do not mention your injury before then. Any emails you send to men on 100hookup should be casual, upbeat, and short and sweet. Mentioning this and explaining your recovery from a spinal injury is anything but those three things and it unfortunately doesn’t surprise me that you haven’t received a response. I bet with your new approach, you will! Good luck on your recovery and on finding love!

Dear Tamar,

How do you know when there is interest on both sides? Also, if someone puts me on their Hot List, does that mean they think I’m hot? I’m new and need help learning.  Heeeeelllllllllpppppppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear 100hookup Newbie,

There are a few ways to tell if someone is interested in you. First, log on everyday and view the profiles of the guys that match your preferences, then check “who’s viewed you” to see who has checked you out. If the same person keeps checking you out every day, then that’s a pretty good sign that he or she is interested.

Next, Hot List those who you want to know that you are interested, and see who has Hot Listed you. Does it mean they think you’re hot? For lack of a better term, yes. It means they like your photos and profile and want to keep an eye on you and let you know they are into you. Utilize the “Click!” feature and click “Yes” and hope the other person does the same. That’s how you get results (100hookup won’t tell you if one person clicked “No,” only if both clicked “Yes”)!

At this point, if you don’t want to make direct contact, you can also just send a Flirt. Eventually though, one of you needs to write the other person an email or even an Instant Message if you are both online at the same time.  If you really want to meet someone, then don’t hide that you’re online. Log on everyday and have a paid membership so you can utilize all the perks. Good luck!

Dear Gems from Jen,
I just don’t understand why I don’t get many viewings of my profile. I have recent, cute pictures, and what I think is a well-written profile, but I don’t seem to get a lot of activity. What’s the typical number of views I should be expecting?

Dear Profile Counting,

There really isn’t a typical number associated with profile views.  Everyone’s experience on 100hookup is different. Focusing on numbers will only serve to take the focus away from your true purpose; meeting great people on 100hookup! Instead of looking at the numbers your profile is generating, look at the quality of the people your profile is attracting. Take some time to look at profiles rather than waiting for the views, Flirts, and messages to come to you. Take your dating life into your own hands and reach out to those people on 100hookup whom you find interesting.

Signed,
Gems from Jen