How much is too much time on the phone before that first hookup? How little is too little?

Too much can run the risk of forming a connection that will inevitably compete with the connection or lack thereof once you lay eyes on each other. A line I once wrote for George in a Seinfeld first draft: “Blind guys have it made. They don’t need looks! All they need is a cute voice. There are tons of women with cute voices!” Love may be blind, but on the road leading there, men and women are both visual creatures.

Being very auditory, I’m drawn to a certain type of voice. The wrong one is a deal breaker right away. The right one, I start filling in the other pieces to the puzzle, probably based on subconscious combos of other interesting women I’ve met across the years with similar voices. A recipe for ultimate disappointment if there ever was one! Before you get to filling in those other pieces… hang up the phone and meet them.

On the flip side, a woman recently avoided giving me her phone number beforehand. The voice inside me said, “This isn’t right.” I wound up basing our “chemistry” on our emails and her eternally smiling picture. How can real life measure up to that? It can’t. Lesson: Listen to the voice inside you. And before meeting her… hers.

After a date with a woman that I’d like to go out with again I always instinctively say, as we are parting, “I’ll call you.” But I never do.  Normally, if my intentions are not to go out with a woman again, I won’t say anything so as not to lead her on. Instead, I act ambiguously if I get the sense that she wants to go out again.

Unfortunately, pretty much every time I’ve uttered the phrase “I’ll call you” I’ve been lying. You see, I never call women, and come to think I don’t really call anyone, therefore what I should honestly be saying to women after dates is “I’ll text you” because that is really the primary form of communication that I currently use.

However, recently I’ve gotten a little sick of always corresponding via text message since it’s so impersonal, and have decided to begin a calling campaign to try to alter my ways. While sending a text message when you are leaving work, or to say that you are running late ,is completely fine in my book, I don’t entirely like the idea of only communicating with people via text message when we aren’t together.

Recently I went out on two dates with a woman but, due to our conflicting schedules, we are in the middle of waiting two weeks before we go out on our third. During the first week we texted a few times during the day; however, with so long in between seeing each other I think that calling her and chatting for a little while this week would be a good idea. Even though it’s been a while since I called a woman I was seeing I’m optimistic that, in spite of being out of practice, I’ll be able to brush off the rust and we’ll have a pleasant first phone conversation.

We met at a Bar/Bat Mitzvah party.  We played this game where we held hands, and then spun each other around in circles until one of us let go, throwing both of us painfully backwards into the metal benches that were behind us.  Once recovered, she asked me to slow dance.  It wasn’t my first slow dance with a girl, but it was the most awesome.  She held me really close and we danced cheek to cheek.  It made me feel things in places that I had never felt before, and I absolutely wanted more of it.  She gave me her phone number, assuming that I had talked to a girl on a phone before.  Well, I hadn’t.

I wrote a script for myself before calling.  I needed to write down potential conversation topics because I could literally feel the awkward silence even before I picked up the phone.  This was before we had to type in the area code first when making local calls, I think.  I nervously picked up the phone and punched in the phone number slowly.  7..7..1 ..7..4..8..8.  (That’s not her number anymore.)  She picked up and said, “hi.”  “Hi!” I said.  I looked down at my notes.  “So Clinton sure likes to have sex, huh?” I said.  I didn’t even have anything about Bill Clinton anywhere in my notes.  What?  Why would that be the first thing that I would say…to anybody?  “You’ve never talked to a girl on the phone before, have you?”  she said.  I answered with the same answer I gave her after she would later ask me if she was the first girl I ever kissed.  “No way, I’ve done this plenty of times.”  Then, ten minutes of silence followed.  “So Clinton, huh?”

Clinton is long gone from the White House, but I am still petrified of phones; even when talking to friends or family members.  Phone conversations make me very uncomfortable, and I don’t think I will ever outgrow that.  The only thing that makes me more uncomfortable is talking to my parents on Facebook® (previously AOL Instant Messenger®).  Whoever you are, I would much rather text you or just talk to you in person.  I’m not anti-social; I’m just anti-phone call.

A recent date told me he was a little bummed that I didn’t respond to his offer, not of marriage but a date.  I would have responded had I gotten it… Who knows whose phone cracked under the pressure but, should it matter?  I get we live in an instant, available all the time, communication world…when was the last time you sent your romantic interest an old fashioned card to open??  Not only is texting effortless but also kind-of unromantic.  It puts another layer between 2 people– but I guess it is also efficient, protects egos involved, and makes it easier to decline invitations as well.  It is no longer personal.  I guess my thought is take a chance– put in the effort, call your interest and you’ll know first-hand the situation and you won’t have to rely on technology to “maybe” deliver the message, or have the crackberry crack under pressure.

Based on my last blog entry, I thought it would be a good idea to elaborate on communicating via the old fashioned device some of us may remember–the phone.

Once the first date has concluded, people tend to either freeze or move too quickly. There are ways in which both behaviors can be turned around altogether. If you would rather not see the person again, just move on and let them know you are not interested.  On the other hand, if your time together was memorable and you are interested in a second date, here are some basic guidelines:

•         Wait 48 hours and then call.  Thank your date for your time together and let him/her know what a great time you had.  This leaves the door open for a second date. Mystery and suspense keep us hooked, that is why I recommend 48 hours, but do not leave your potential date waiting too long.  I have found that when people wait too long to call, the other person believes they must not be interested and moves on to the next person waiting for a date. I can remember many nights sitting by my phone and thinking, ‘Is he going to call?’  When he would finally call, my interest had already waned. I no longer wanted to continue something with someone who didn’t have the common courtesy to pick up a phone after spending an entire evening with me.

•         Keep the conversation short, but do not rush. I know this reads as an oxy-moron, but getting to the point and securing a second date is the goal. Know what it is you would like to gain from the conversation and if that goal has been achieved, end the conversation and continue on with your usual routine.

•         If you told the person you would call, then by all means call. Even if your intention is not to pursue anything further.  Let them down gently, but also do not allow yourself to be talked into something that you are not interested in pursuing because of the guilt you might be experiencing. 

•         I’m always asked, “What if he/she does not answer?” Leave a message. If you do not get a return phone call within 24 hours leave another message.  Sometimes things happen that prevent people from getting their messages.  My suggestion is to leave no more than two messages. If the person does not return your phone call after a second message, move on.  Who wants to be dating someone who doesn’t have the common courtesy to at least return a phone call?

•         Lastly, smile while you have the phone conversation, even if you are feeling anxious. This comes across to the person on the other end of the line.  Surprisingly, smiling can help to quiet our anxieties, and can be a confidence booster.