Have you ever realized how many famous adages or proverbs actually contradict one another? Within the last two blog posts, I advised you to be less picky when dating, yet not settle. Don’t discount people too quickly, I said, yet don’t force a connection if it’s not there.  All of this sounds like reasonable advice. But, which is it?  You can’t have it both ways, right? I guess the good news with conflicting information is that you really can’t go wrong either way, since someone says it’s right. This got me thinking about other instances of paradoxical advice – they are more common than you might realize! Which of the examples below is your favorite?

• Absence makes the heart grow fonder vs. Out of sight, out of mind
  • Favorite sayings of long-distance romances everywhere, these two basically provide opposing advice. There have been different times in my life when both of these have been true in different situations, but you might as well focus on whichever you want to be true, because they cancel each other out.
• Love yourself as you are vs. Always strive to improve
  • The essence of this contradiction is often found in women’s magazines – the messages “love your body!” and “you’re beautiful the way you are!” sound great until they are sandwiched between articles on how to lose 10 pounds in a month and how to get guys to like you by changing your hair and makeup. But these are not mutually exclusive – it’s possible to love yourself and want to improve, both internally and externally.
• Play hard to get vs. Don’t play games
  • Ah, the classic debate – do you try to play it cool by calculating how often and how long to wait before responding to someone, or do you just do and say whatever you feel like doing and saying? Opinions vary and often conflict, as does conventional wisdom. Looks like the jury’s still out on this one.
• Birds of a feather flock together vs. Opposites attract
  • I hear both of these sayings all the time – could it be that they are both true, to some degree? Maybe we tend to flock together with people who have similar interests, goals, background, and values. But an opposite temperament or personality brings a little spice to life.

The moral of the story is that no dating advice is ALWAYS true in ALL situations. So be judicious when taking well-intended dating advice from people who don’t know your particular situation. But also remember that wise men think alike… but fools seldom differ.

I have a close friend who recently moved to a new city for graduate school. She’s looking to meet a hookup guy, but isn’t sure how to navigate the Internet dating scene. I am usually shy about advertising that I date online. It’s not something I feel most people need to know about me, and I feel nervous about being judged as “desperate” or “weird.” However, online dating has fundamentally changed how I approach men (in a good way).

When I finally admitted to my friend that I’ve online dated, she replied, “Oh my gosh. Once I move to graduate school, I totally want to try!” I had been so worried about her judging me that I forgot how many of us out are curious about the online dating world. She wanted to pick my brain about it before choosing to ultimately join in on the online dating rollercoaster. It’s something that has now bonded us. My friend asks my advice about messaging guys, if she should reply, etc. And in a way, it’s strengthened our friendship. So, while I don’t wear a sign around my neck that says, “I Love 100hookup,” I’m more open to telling close friends about dating on the web!

Though I spend the majority of my time during the day at the computer, especially writing emails, when it comes to remembering to answer messages on 100hookup I’m simply the worst. Sometimes I won’t write someone back, who genuinely intrigues me, for over 2 weeks. It’s a tendency of a forgetful mind that has me reading a lovely message, smiling, and then quickly being distracted into doing something else.

Do: Answer your messages as soon as you feel like it. Don’t even bother trying to engage in some “I have to wait 24 hours to respond game.” It’s responding to someone, not getting proposed to. There’s no harm in responding quickly and if they find that to be “unattractive” and like a girl they can “chase”, well then move on. That’s just bizarrely bogus and there’s no time for a person like that.

Don’t: Try not to wait an extended long period of time to write back to messages. Keep the conversation flowing and interesting. It’s also very easy to lose a conversation in an overcrowded inbox. Either keep a list of people you enjoy messaging somewhere else to remember to follow up, or respond once you have opened the message to ensure you won’t forget.

Read more of Jen Glantz here: www.thethingsilearnedfrom.com

I can now legitimately give advice about dating. Listen to everything I’ve said so far in all 199 of my posts. I am a genius. Even if it sounds counter intuitive. Do everything I have said. Show no manners on a date. Wear whatever you want. Take her to the movies on the first date. Yell loudly and make her pay for everything. You will eventually get the girl you really like, it may just take a very, very long time.

Sure, you can take the easy way. Be a great guy all the time, and thus attract women immediately. Or you can be terrible at everything, for funsies. Be gross and horrible all the time, and then blog about how you can’t meet women. And then keep writing about it over and over, until you eventually run out of things to write about and keep retreading over the same topics, glossing them over with progressively more fancy words so you can pass yourself off as some intellectual humorist, when really you’re dying inside and just want a little acceptance.

So, something clicked, and I got my life together, and met a great girl who seemed to like me. So now you all have to listen to me. All you have to do is completely transform your life, lose ninety pounds, painfully recondition yourself and establish a routine, completely change your personality, and get a good job. It is so easy, and not at all painful, time-consuming, mentally debilitating, or in any way leaves you vulnerable to sweat-induced panic attacks.

So, there you go. I think writing about dating will be easier now that I’m actually dating somebody I like, and that I think likes me as well. This will be a lot easier on my mind than struggling and then writing about the same struggles over and over. Of course, a lot of what I write on here is not about dating at all. That makes writing a lot more pleasurable, and hopefully more readable.

Dear Tamar,

I feel when I email someone for the 1st time, it’s always a lame question. What should I be asking and how many questions should I ask?

Thank you,
What to Ask in an Email

Dear What to Ask in an Email,

Start off an email by telling the prospect what it was about them that attracted you, what made them stand out and what compelled you to write them. Mention a few similarities. You don’t need to ask any question, except for: would you be interested in getting together? There’s no need to start exchanging pleasantries via email because you already know so much about each other from your 100hookup profiles and you need to leave whatever is left of the typical first date chat for the first date.

With Steve Jobs’ recent passing, we have lost one of the great icons in American history.  As far as I am concerned, no man has ever been a more efficient CEO or built a more prestigous, pristine company in American history.

With that said, perhaps we can take away a few of the qualities that made him so successful and apply them to the online dating world.

1.  Be selective.

Steve Jobs was never afraid to be extremely selective in the way he built his empire.  His strongest ability was the ability to say no and just focus on a few select products and services.  The same should go for you.  You don’t have to meet every woman or guy you talk to online.  Be selective!

2.  Say a lot in a little.

Steve Jobs coined the phrase, “1,000 songs in your pocket” when introducing the IPod®.  This was a genius slogan that said everything in a sweet, compressed phrase.  Apply this to your emails.  Saying a lot while saying a little can go a long way!  Same goes for your profiles.  Learning how to market yourself is a great skill.

When all is said and done, we can learn a lot from the great Steve Jobs in all walks of life.   Never forget the legend who was Steve Jobs and allow his legacy to live on.

Many people that struggle with online dating continue to struggle for long periods of time. 

They mainly struggle for one of two reasons.  Either they continue to make the same mistakes over and over again and refuse to seek help, or they are seeking online dating help from the wrong people.

The only way to improve something that is broken is to fix it by learning the correct way to fix the problem.   If you don’t take the time to learn, things will not change. 

However, some people attempt to learn online dating advice, only to find themselves struggling the same as they were before, if not more.

This is because most people who provide online dating advice are writing things that sound good in theory, but either have little real world value, or they are only writing articles because it is their job and they need to fill a deadline.

My recommendation is to learn from the best.  Find people you know that have been highly successful.  Research people who are acclaimed with positive feedback from people whom have used their systems and ideas.

 Learning from the best is the only way to get better.  So weed out all that online dating advice and start making some genuine progress.

What would you say if I told you that you could cause women to feel high levels of attraction towards you without even doing anything?

Would you be interested?

I’m going to let you all in on a little secret that most people don’t know about.

The human body is a complicated thing.  We are constantly releasing hormones and chemicals that cause us to feel and experience different things that are beyond our control.  And with that said, one of the things that we can’t control are feelings of attraction.

Attraction is something that men and women just feel.  We feel it mostly when we see something visual.  Women feel it for ten reasons that have nothing to do with looks.

With that said, one way to make women feel attraction is by scaring them.  When women are frightened it releases many of the same hormones that cause attraction.  And while we don’t want to scare them in the, I’m a creepy online dater way, we can find many fun activities that will provide our dates with a scare during October.  Stay tuned to future blog entries for some great ideas.

Dear Tamar,

I’m ready to meet someone special and after a long period of self reflection, I’ve refreshed my 100hookup profile to try again.  My profile is packed with information and the best photos I have of myself. I’ve even recruited my good female friends, who know me well, to check my profile and make suggestions to show myself in the best light. My messages to other members are personalized, upbeat and I try my best to refer to something I find interesting in their profile, but I’m still getting almost no responses. It’s becoming discouraging and as my confidence is fragile, I’m losing heart fast. What else can I do to make a positive impact and encourage others to reply? I’d really appreciate some advice. Thanks.

Dear Back in the Game,

It sounds like you’re doing all the right things and have the right motivation, but patience and not letting rejection get the best of you are important traits to have in the dating game. You are getting some responses, so it’s not like your efforts are going unnoticed, but there are some things you need to be made aware of. For starters, if a 100hookup member is not a paid member that means she cannot access her mail and therefore, has no idea that you contacted her to begin with. Secondly, reassess your approach — are you coming on too strong too quickly? Did you repeatedly view, Flirt, Click!, Hot List, etc. before sending an email? Try using that approach first as it is similar to hitting on a girl at a bar (eye contact, smile, waiting for the hair flip, etc). Don’t give up hope and don’t stop trying — yes, you will get rejected but the more you try the better your odds will be at finding your beshert. Good luck!

This morning I had “blunch” (breakfast that ran into lunch) with an ex who has become one of my most favorite friends. Yes, it does happen on occasion.  As I relayed my dating stories and expectations that I have for those I date (which by the way, I think are basic common courtesy expectations), his response was, “Get over it or date someone from the South, then.”  Be prepared to teach some. His point was that my courtship expectations (calling versus texting and the other blunders) aren’t deal breakers and can be taught through communicating with your partner.  Perhaps.  But more importantly and insightfully – he said, “Why don’t you focus on what your date needs to make him feel safe and want to invest in you emotionally?”  Hmmm…I guess all too often maybe we forget to see things from the other person’s perspective and give off the wrong signals as we are only focused on our date meeting our own expectations. Admittedly, all too often I’m quick to say “done, he didn’t do yada yada…”  I guess my next date gets to benefit from my ex’s advice and my new experiment…Let me think about him and his perspective…(rather than just I). “I” think if we all did this perhaps there would be less frustrated singles and more happy couples.  Things that make you want to go hmmm.