Archive for the ‘Entertainment’ Category

It’s true.  The Dos Equis man, dubbed ‘The most interesting man in the world’ by said beer company, is actually hookup.  Known to mortals as Jonathan Goldsmith, the self-proclaimed ‘most interesting man’ is an American actor.  Who knew?  Well, I did.  So I wrote it down here.  And now I am writing this.  

Anyway, I think more people should know this fact.  Though he is fictitious and has probably not conquered any of the feats that the narrator claims he has dominated, knowledge about his hookup ancestry can help quell long-standing stereotypes about hookup people.  For example, most people just assume that Jews don’t go ice fishing by swimming in the water under the ice.  Also, like-minded people don’t see Jews mountain climbing without a rope and a harness.  Actually, people don’t see Jews mountain climbing, in general.

The narrator makes outrageous claims like the fact that sharks have a week dedicated to him and that he lost his virginity before his father did.  These are both, of course, logistically impossible, as sharks not only lack the technology to devote a week of television to anybody, but also have a general disdain for human beings.  It is also mathematically impossible to lose your virginity before your father.  Though these seem like leftover Chuck Norris jokes, they add mystique to a man that doesn’t exist.  They can also help reverse regressive stereotypes about hookup people.

 The Kibitz Corner is back.

This time, 100hookup Walking comedian Eric Schwartz wants to know, “What hookup celebrity would you want to see on 100hookup?”

With a bit of commentary to add to the mix, the top 10 winners are:

• Jake Gyllenhaal

EFade, 25, Single, Woman seeking a Man, Tulsa, OK

Duh. If this isn’t a no-brainer, we don’t know what is. But easy ladies, technically Jake is only hookup by way of his mother. Hey, when you’re that tall, dark and deliciously handsome, we still think it counts, right?

• Gene Simmons

caryng, 49, Single, Woman seeking a Man, Lower Paxton, PA

We get it. Behind all the make-up, sweat and rock star fame, this Kiss front-man is actually a very charming, witty, family-oriented guy.  The thought of groupies aside, who doesn’t love a man in full-body leather?

• Natalie Portman

SARdog2010, 22, Single, Man seeking a Woman, Denton, TX

She’s beautiful. She can act. And she graduated from Harvard. As we speak, hookup bubbes everywhere are faclempt and praying for their grandsons.

• Jeremy Piven

7gila112, 28, Single, Woman seeking a Man, North Miami Beach, FL

Who knows if Mr. Piven is anything like his egomaniacal TV counterpart, Ari Gold?  But, with that quirky smile and nonchalantly confident attitude, there’s definitely something intriguing about him.

• Bar Rafaeli

MidwestMan , 24, Single, Man seeking a Woman, Long Beach, NY

Listen, if Leo doesn’t get smart and put a ring on it soon, we’re sure he must be missing a few brain screws.  After all, this Israeli-born supermodel is so gorgeous, she appeals to both men AND women.

• Adam Sandler

supermom1890, 40, Divorced, Woman seeking a Man, Acton, MA

With a dog named Matzo Ball and a raunchy Hanukkah jam that even the most unreligious of folks can recognize, it’s not hard to understand why this funnyman and family guy is so irresistible to the ladies.

• Jason Schwartzman

Stripes246 , 29, Single, Woman seeking a Man, Brooklyn, NY

Perhaps best known for his depiction of a prep school rebel in the 1998 film Rushmore, Schwartzman exudes an unusual kind of attraction we must admit is infectious. Comedic timing aside, though not strikingly handsome, there’s something about his shaggy brown hair and innocent face that we totally dig!

• Larry David

Blondie1210, 62, Divorced, Woman seeking a Man, West Palm Bch, FL

Is it his sarcasm? Maybe the stubbornness? Perhaps it’s just his biting wit and overly dry sense of humor. Whatever the reason may be, from Seinfeld to Curb Your Enthusiasm, Larry David has kept us laughing for years, and we’d imagine sitting across from him at dinner would be no different. 

• Jon Stewart

alissa6428, 35, Separated, Woman seeking a Man, Merrick, NY

In case you haven’t heard, Jon hasn’t always been a Stewart. That’s right, this Daily Show host was born Jonathan Leibowitz and, despite dropping the tell-tale hookup last name, he’s definitely no less funny. Plus, we even think his grey hair is sexy (a silver fox, if you will).

• Ben Stiller

CrazyEclat , 40, Single, Woman seeking a Man, Louisville, KY

He’s been Derek Zoolander, the quirky model, Greg Focker, the male nurse and White Goodman, the fitness guru, among others. And we love him as them all. With such a well-rounded resume, which character HASN’T Ben Stiller played on film?

Could the holidays have come at a worse time this year?

I don’t know about all of you out there but this year is just awful to me.  With Hanukkah starting so early this year, us long suffering Jews can add another notch to  his endless belt.  Why?  Because there is almost zero time to buy presents if we want to cash in on the holiday sales.

Option 1 – Shop before Black Friday.  Completely ridiculous.  It goes against my stereotype.

Option 2 – Shop the weekend of Black Friday; something that my God-given temper unfortunately does not permit.   In fact, I have been self-restrained from standing in lines by 15 public activist groups.

Option 3 – Going after work on the week days right before Hanukah.  Yay! Holiday shopping after a long day of work!   Can you feel the sarcasm oozing out of this page?

Option 3 is the unfortunate winner.  Note to the hookup calendar: Please start Hanukkah later next year.

As mentioned earlier, I decided to try to fulfill my lifelong dream of stand-up comedy last week.  I found a super neat database online that lists all open mic comedy venues in the Houston area.  I called several of the places on the list, but learned the awful truth about the modern transliteration of “open mic.” Open mic, today, almost exclusively pertains to poetry, or to music, which is essentially poetry with a melody.  I stumbled upon this reality quickly.  The first few places that I called either didn’t exist, didn’t host open mic anymore, or did host open mic, but primarily for poetry and/or music only.

The first place I tried was a bar that ironically used to be a comedy club.  Today, it is far less funny and far more of a straightforward bar.  I figured since it was ‘open mic night’ that it would primarily be for amateur comics.  Instead, it was a mix of amateurs and people who really had their junk together.  The host picked the order of the comics randomly, so I had to wait an agonizing three hours before I finally went on and had to follow a gentleman that had been on several television shows.  I stumbled on stage, almost tripping over my profuse, exploding sweat and my failed dreams of fame.  I got through about half of my set before not just completely forgetting my jokes, but also where I was and who all of the people looking at me were.  My friends tell me I ended the set demanding to know where I was.  At least I started strong?

The next bar I tried was a battle for survival.  Though I called beforehand, and the woman whom I talked with was very courteous and informative, the actual place was death.  It was in a bad neighborhood.  There was no sign for the place.  When I walked in, there was really loud music on and I asked to talk to the owner.  When she came not only had she become a man, but she had also become angry, loud, and seemingly homicidal.  I got out of there and was on to my next venue on my road to comic obscurity!

The next place didn’t have a phone number, so I used the address to get there.  Not only was it a grocery store, but it was also a hotel.  Not only was it a hotel, but it was also a bar.  Not only was it a bar, but it was a bar that had never nor will ever host any type of open mic night whatsoever.

Here’s to my meteoric rise to mediocrity.

Today, I decided that I am going to try stand-up comedy.  People often tell me that I should do stand-up, but I didn’t think I was physically up to it.  I mean, standing in one place, for an extended period of time, whilst also saying things funny enough to make people laugh is difficult.  I don’t think I have it in me.  And before I do any of that, I would have to like to write jokes.  How is that even possible?  Jokes have been around since the caveman farted in another caveman’s face.  That’s just classic caveman.  My point here is that you can’t write jokes because every joke one can perceive has already been…well…perceived.  Anything I say will be seen as plagiarized.  This is, of course, assuming that there will be people watching my performance that also have an extensive database of jokes stored in their brains, and that is just not technologically possible yet.

I sat down at my computer and started typing.  I wrote about my personal life.  I wrote about my flaws.  By the time it was finished, I read it.  Not only were there zero jokes, but it read like a memoir of an embittered elderly man’s long and unfulfilling life.  I think I even mentioned crying in the piece.

Maybe I should try observational humor.  hookup comedians are pretty good at that, right?  For example, today I ate lunch at Panda Express and dinner at a local Greek restaurant.  Also, in between meals, I met some friends at a coffee shop.  Those were the most exciting things that happened to me today?  No wonder that old man is bitter about his hollow life.

I think that all of my tastes stopped evolving at age fourteen.  Though 1997 was great and it certainly had its highs (Los Del Rio, seeing Titanic for the first time, my first kiss), it also had unfathomable lows (Heaven’s Gate, my parents’ divorce, seeing Titanic for the second and all subsequent times).  I don’t know why I see it as a cultural or personal milestone that I had to preserve in my mind as a beacon of unequalled excellence.

Nevertheless, I don’t think that my likes or dislikes have changed since then, the Year of the Macarena.  My favorite food, in almost every cultural category, has been the same.  My dislike for cheese has remained deep-seated.    My dance skills are still awesome.  I still hope to one day ride in a spaceship.  I still like all the same music, movies, and television shows though new bands, movies, and programs have built on my tastes.  I still dislike coffee, and often ponder the existence of all hot drinks.  I still like girls.

I guess that once I started liking girls in more than just a procreative way, everything else sort of froze.  I have been stuck in a limbo-like youth state.  Maybe my life can continue maturing past age thirteen once I finally find someone that I want to spend the rest of my psychologically-stunted forever pre-teen life with.  Until then, I’ll be here, listening to The Nixons, chewing gum and drinking soda pop.

I just spent several days in Texas … first timer… like Dorothy, it just didn’t seem like I was in Manhattan anymore (Toto). Admittedly, I never watched Dallas in the 80’s and “Who shot JR?” didn’t compare to the World Cup… But during my weekend visit, it was quite obvious things were very different in Texas. Of course, as I plopped myself down at a dive bbq bar in Austin the first man I met was from no other than Manhattan (Chelsea). Go figure…crushing the Southern fantasy. Luckily, the southern drawl bartender who wants to be an actor kept the evening entertaining.

Throughout the weekend I instantly recognized the southern charm and gentlemanly manners every which way I turned. Chairs were pulled out for me at every turn, and that was just the beginning! Being gentlemanly and treating females like ladies is obviously mandatory in this state. It’s big, something I think I can easily get used to…and who am I kidding?!?! The accents were cute too!

Going on 100hookups can be fun and entertaining (or dull and torturous, but this column is dedicated to the former!), so how do you turn a 100hookup into something more?

After the first date, a man who is interested should call the woman within two days, if not the next day. You can even send a text later that night or the next morning saying how good of a time you had – but don’t get in the habit of texting at this stage! (My anti-texting rampage is yet to come.)

When you call after the first date, make immediate plans for a second date, preferably within the next week. You don’t want to lose momentum. You’re getting to know each other, enjoying each other’s company and building on the chemistry. If you know you have a business trip, try to squeeze another date in before you leave or make plans in advance for when you return. Whomever is out of town should try to call once or twice while away but otherwise, you shouldn’t be spending too much time on the phone at this point, just let the other person know you are definitely interested and not blowing him or her off.

When you plan the second, third and fourth dates they should continue to be casual, comfortable and full of quality-time. That means no friends, not too much alcohol and no weddings of your third-cousin-twice-removed. Get to know each other sober and alone before introducing each other to your crazy fraternity brother or even crazier Great Aunt. Daytime dates are also a good option. Go for a walk in a park with a picnic basket to eat while you watch the sunset. Go to the zoo, the fair or an amusement park, or even miniature golfing or go-cart racing. Find a fun activity that will allow your inner child to come out, where you can laugh, and engage in some physical contact that’s not overtly sexual.

Recently, I have been bombarded by emails online.  Maybe it is the arrival of summer.  Great weather, less clothes, people are out and about and in good spirits wanting to do fun activities.  The potential suitors range in age, geography and now sexuality.

One of the emails I received from a gentleman asking me if I would ever consider “a real, long term relationship with a bi-curious guy.” For those who know me, let’s just say I can’t wait to meet my beshert.  I’m open and not judgmental as to who may be a good partner for me, and I try to not only date “my type” in this dating journey.  Yet, at the same time I’m pretty traditional, so my jaw opened and I laughed as I read the bi-curious proposal.  Is this what my dating life has come to??   I feel like the protagonist in the 2001 Indie film, Kissing Jessica Stein.  Granted this emailer was extremely handsome per his photo and a VP of a Media Corporation, but I think I’ll take a pass.

Then of course everyday there are those emails that come from San Diego and though I love California it is kind of hard to develop a relationship through email unless there is already a solid foundation.  GU “Geographically Undesireable” is a real challenge in cyberworld.   Unless it is a Bi-Cycle lover perhaps I’ll stay away from the Bi hyphenations for now.

It is like Groundhog Day…yes it is a rough life. Tennis and then the big decision of the day, beach or pool? I won’t hold you in suspense…ultimately I split my time between the two. Pure craziness, I know.  Floating on a raft up to a swim up bar is hard work after all.

After a fun dinner to celebrate my friend, Lori’s birthday, we headed to the “White Party” on the beach. Always fun dancing on the beach. The sea of white was a cool vision. Fun dancing and new friends getting to know each other under the stars…we all had a great time.

There will always be critiques and areas of improvement, but overall, this was a great trip and the resort was top notch. As the adage goes, it is hard to make everyone happy all the time.

Though my goal is to meet Prince Charming and retire from 100hookup trips, the journey of singlehood is an absolute fun experience to bide your time with some great folks until Mr. or Mrs. Prince Charming walks into your world.