Archive for July, 2011

Dear Tamar,

Major conundrum – I’m 41, not yet married, still would like to have a family but the odds are not looking good. I’ve received 4 emails in 5 months. I email women, they don’t have the courtesy to even respond with a thank you or no thank you. Then you’re left to wonder if they are a member and can read the emails or not. Some women aren’t even posting photos! Any insight?

Dear Major Conundrum,

Keep sending out emails and don’t let the ones who don’t respond (or don’t post photos) get to you. It’s not personal. Only worry about what you can control such as: what are you saying in your emails? How long or short are they? Are you commenting and asking about the women or just talking about yourself? How does your profile come across? Are the photos up to date and flattering? Does your About Me say that you’re “41, not married but still holding out hope that you’ll have a family” or does it say “I’m losing hope that I’ll never have a family since I’m 41 and still single”? Don’t let your frustration come across in your profile. Are your preferences broad and realistic?

As for not hearing back from women you’re emailed, it’s not nice and I’ve written about it before. People should at least write back “thanks but no thanks” if they are paid members and can read their email. But most don’t. Why? Because it’s awkward rejecting someone. So just shake it off and move forward. 100hookup has the numbers in your favor, so keep emailing because the more emails you send the more replies you’ll receive.

Millions of men out there love a bad girl. 

The reasons for this are numerous, however, all make good sense.  Last time I discussed the allure of a bad girls sexuality, as well as the promise of excitement.

Today I would like to discuss something that both men and females seem to have in common, which is the notion of being attracted to someone that creates a chase.

As most men who follow my online dating advice know, creating a chase and high demand for yourself is one of the most important attraction builders that a man can work on.

However, this is no different for a woman.  Men are highly attracted to women who provide a chase as well.

And what type of girl puts up more of a chase than your typical bad girl?  They never seem to care.  They always seem to have a million other options.  And they act is if we are just objects circling their personal orbit.

While this is frustrating, heartbraking, and downright makes guys crazy, it is also irrisistable and men cannot get enough of this! 

We are a crazy species indeed huh?  Sorry nice girls.

I have decided, for the sake of both of my readers, to take a break from the monotony of talking about the monotony of eating sandwiches.  There are other things in my life as well!  They involve sleeping, working, and occasionally using the restroom.  That’s all I got.  Since this is a blog for an eclectic mix of readers, I will talk about using the restroom.

I recently found out that I love showering in hotels.  It’s like I make up for all of the days of not showering by going on a shower marathon in a hotel.  Of course, this does not include jogging in the shower.  I learned that not only is it not beneficial to your health at all, but can lead to a broken leg that is not easy to explain to people in the concierge line of work.  Recently, in a hotel in Chandler, AZ, I found myself showering for a fourth time in one evening.  Could I be taking more showers?  If you get that, I hate you.  By my fifth shower, my skin had dried out and I had already run out of hotel shampoo twice.  Not only that, I also hadn’t left my hotel room.  I was getting this all wrong my entire life.  Either shower and go out, or don’t shower and don’t go out.

The biggest mistake I often make concerning showers is that I place far too much importance on the effects of one shower.  In other words, not only do I believe that the longer I shower, the longer I can go before my next shower, but I also mistakenly believe that one shower in the morning will keep me fresh until the next morning.  This is often not true.  First, as a modern hookup male, I tend to sweat a lot.  Second, I live in Houston, TX, the hottest city on earth.  (Don’t look that up).  I need to take my ‘hotel mentality’ with me every day.

Also, tomorrow, I hopefully will have lost 40 pounds.  However, I think I look exactly the same.  Maybe it’s because I see myself almost every day.  However, I will trust the holy scale.  My confidence isn’t higher, though.  I still think I have a better chance with women as a skinnier, less sweaty man.  I haven’t been out on a date in a while.  My first one will be in about a week.  I will report everything!

I am a 27 year old male; the key word in which I would like to focus on for the purposes of this particular blog is “male.” Males and females are different when it comes to dating. We traditionally play different roles; we have different expectations and often times want different things though recently I’ve been wondering if the gap between what males and females expect/want out of relationships, in general, is closing.

Sure there are a number of things, besides just sex and age, which factor in to determining what an individual is looking for when it comes to dating and relationshi but I think both males and females have been drawing closer to a common norm for some time now. Of course this is not to say I think the average 23 year old male and 30 year old female are now looking for the same things when it comes to relationships, but rather that 27 year old males and 27 year old females are looking for more of the same things than in the more recent past.

Obviously this is a very disputable point, based solely on my limited experience and observations; but I did want to put the idea out there since I had been thinking about it recently. Perhaps when people of both sexes are single and in their late-twenties or early-thirties they are going to naturally evolve to want similar things. However, I think there is more to it than just getting older and feeling more pressure to be in a relationship and get married.

With more and more people postponing their personal lives in pursuit of professional goals it would seem that the opposite effect would be occurring; however I think that once men and women reach a certain point in their lives they instinctively begin to shift their priorities back toward finding a mate and starting a family. I don’t know, maybe I’m not explaining this whole concept correctly since, as I reread through this, blog it doesn’t sound the same as in my head, but regardless let me end this piece with a continuation of the statement that I opened with; “I am a 27 year old male and I think that I have much more in common, when it comes to dating and relationships, with 27 year old females than I think.”

Dear Tamar,

Why do so many of these women have such unusually and unreasonably high expectations?

Dear High Expectations,

There are both men and women out there with unusually high — and unreasonably high — expectations. These people obviously think highly of themselves and believe they deserve someone, well, possibly unrealistic for them. But really I think it’s a defense mechanism — if no one meets their standards then they have an easy excuse not to put themselves out there and get hurt. Hopefully women (and men) who are taking the time to be on 100hookup are willing to compromise and are simply selecting every single trait they would possibly want in a mate. What you can’t tell by looking at someone’s profiles is which items are their must-haves and which are their “extras” so it’s worth contacting all the women who you match with and seeing where it leads.

It took me almost two weeks before I met the biggest challenge to any type of weight-loss plan: Grandma’s house.  As a child, Grandma’s house was a wondrous place with candy, soda, food, and a television that had to have been bought in 1957.  At an early age, Grandma’s house was probably where I spent my first Thanksgiving, family dinners, and probably my second and third Thanksgivings as well.  Outside, my dad and uncles grilled meats, whilst on the inside, the women gossiped while garnishing salads.  Of course, there was no grill outside because my grandparents lived on the tenth floor or so.  Also, this is all made up and is an obvious oversimplification based on gender and familial stereotypes learned through television and film.

Actually, my grandparents bought property in the countryside about twelve years ago because we are in Texas and are living stereotypes.  Their ranch has been a rendezvous for holidays and special occasions.  Last night, we met for the Fourth of July.  Dinner consisted of steaks, potatoes, and salad.  Dessert included homemade pies, cookies, brownies, and a Jell-O® mold.  I, of course, was limited by my new diet and had to eat a pre-bought Subway® sandwich.  I had not faced a challenge this large before.  I was literally squeezed in between people eating steaks.  Bloody steaks!  That is not British slang.  They were oozing with blood and my carnal instincts were telling me to murder my cousin just to get one bite.

I haven’t lost any significant amount of weight since my last post.  In fact, I may have gained a little.  I don’t know why.  I blame science.  Bloody science!  My motivational urge to remain on my diet is slipping.  I am very anxious about tomorrow’s weight-in.  On top of that, I have less than two weeks until my self-appointed date night.  I should look at my list of potential candidates and start weeding out the weak.  Here, the weak include men, and women that are just friends.  This leaves me with one person.  I’m looking at you, Sarah!*

*I don’t actually know a Sarah.  I am hiding her name to protect her anonymity as well as myself from lawsuits.

I think after you break up with someone you have been going out with for a while it is difficult to get back into the flow of dating again. After going out on first date after first date you finally met someone that you felt a connection with, only to have things end, putting you right back in the same spot you were before that relationship began.

To some people first dates are an exciting adventure where you are getting the chance to meet someone for the first time and see if they spark that fluttery feeling in the pit of your stomach that we are all hoping for; although if you have gone out on as many first dates as I have over the past year then perhaps you feel, as I now do, that the first date isn’t as fun as it used to be.

Since most of my first dates have ended in romantic disappointment I have now tempered my expectations back so far that it is difficult for me to even imagine one going well. Additionally, since so few of the first dates I’ve gone on have led to relationships, and the ones that did were spaced out, it is nearly impossible for me to believe that lightening could strike twice in a row and I might be able to immediately jump right back into another relationship.

However regardless of my skeptical and, to an extent, self-defeating attitude when it comes to first dates I don’t want to impose limitations on myself as to when I get back on the horse. Maybe it will be a week before I meet someone that I want to ask out, or even a month; however I know that I am going to go out on another first date at some point soon, and when that day arrives, just like every other first date I’ve been on, I’ll just have to see what happens.

Dear Tamar,

A guy I’ve been speaking to for the past week or so refuses to give me his last name because he was scammed by a date recently. He insists we meet at a very elegant restaurant close by and although his reasons for not giving his last name sounds normal, I’m not all that comfortable. He sounds amazing and we really do click well. What do I do?

Dear Last Name Mystery,

I say go ahead and meet the guy. You’re going to a public location near your house so you’ll have an easy getaway. You can always have a friend sit at the bar incognito just in case. Keep your guard up because the lack of last name is slightly shady (although as a victim of identity theft myself I can empathize). I think it’s smart to protect yourself and not reveal too much too soon because you don’t know who’s behind the laptop. Meet the guy and if you click in person then you can exchange more personal information.

I want to share my friend’s story to give hope to those who are feeling hopeless.

Lila was 36 when her long-term boyfriend (who was divorced with two children) decided he didn’t want to have anymore kids. Since she knew she wanted to be a mother, she broke up with him and decided to go ahead and freeze her eggs. It may seem extreme, but she was, after all, nearing her late thirties and didn’t want to take any chances. After Lila turned 38 and still wasn’t in a relationship she decided to start saving money and researching “donors” – both from friends and those from a bank. Lila could accept being single but she was going to do anything in her power to have a child.

At 39 Lila had selected a donor from a bank but hadn’t yet started the process. And that’s when she met someone. Saul was the same age and also wanted children. The two became serious quickly and their engagement was announced soon after. Lila and Saul knew they wanted to be parents and since her biological clock was ticking and Lila already had frozen eggs they decided to move forward with in-vitro fertilization. A few unsuccessful IVF attempts later and Lila was losing hope. Now she had her Beshert but couldn’t seem to get pregnant. Could she have it all?

Lila and Saul decided to immerse themselves in planning their wedding and buying a home together when much to their surprise they found out they were expecting! After all the medical interventions, it happened the “old-fashioned” way for them, only confirming that they were indeed Beshert. The wedding was supposed to be six months from then but Lila didn’t want to be a pregnant bride. Instead they went to the Justice of the Peace and got married on paper. The baby is due any day now (Lila just turned 42, by the way) and the big wedding is being held in six weeks, with baby in tow.

Lila’s story is so inspirational. All of her dreams did come true but she wasn’t going to wait around for them to happen, she went after them with a vengeance. As soon as she decided she was going to have a family – with or without a man – her entire demeanor changed and then the right man entered her life. True, she didn’t do things the traditional way and some may think her efforts to have a baby on her own bordered on desperation (or even undermined the concept of family values), but for Lila she was being proactive to ensure she had a family… albeit a non-traditional one.

Now she does have it all and she’s an example for others nearing or in their 40s that it can eventually happen for you too. You may not necessarily feel the need to follow her exact path, but there are other things you can do to “complete” yourself which in the meantime will distract you and better you until your Beshert comes along… which in turn will seem to happen much faster because you’re too busy being distracted with bettering yourself. The point is not to let life go on around you while you wait for something to happen, but to actually make it happen yourself. Lila didn’t think she would be a 42-year-old pregnant bride, but then she wouldn’t have this particular husband or be having this particular baby.