Archive for December, 2010

Some people attract drama into their lives like a magnet, while some people deflect it like a tinfoil sunshade and others try to avoid it like the plague.

I had a boyfriend who had an ex-girlfriend who wasn’t out of the picture. She purposely tried to cause drama to try and break us up. I could have fed into the drama by telling my boyfriend to stop talking to his ex and cut her off, but I chose to take a different path. I ignored it. Drama is like a fire: It needs oxygen to make it grow, but if you don’t feed it then it dies. My boyfriend respected me for being the better person and saw the ex for what she was and cut her off on his own. Needless to say, as soon as we broke-up the ex swooped back in on her prey, but during the relationship I was able to dispel the drama by rising above it.

If there’s drama early on, it may be a red flag. If one or both of you gets sucked in to the drama, it may be a red flag. If you don’t agree about what is drama or how to deal with it, it may also be a red flag. These are not red flags to ignore. Not only that, but you need be aware of these red flags so that you don’t consciously or subconsciously overlook them because of hope for the relationship. It doesn’t mean the relationship is necessarily doomed, but it does mean that you need to have a talk. People that are drama magnets and thrive off of it probably won’t mesh well with a person who avoids it and doesn’t flame the fire.

People create drama or put themselves in the midst of drama usually because they’re either bored, immature or both. Hopefully, a healthy and exciting romantic relationship will be enough to quell the urge for hullabaloo. Eventually, sitting at home with your significant other watching television on the couch while cuddling will be much more enjoyable and productive than spending your time on the phone instigating drama, arguing about nonsense and ignoring your mate.

One of the main reasons I wrote an online dating book to help men is because I was once a frustrated online dater.  I spent month after month having little to no success.  As great as online dating is, sometimes it can be tough to rise above the competition, especially for us males.  So we need to figure out ways to do so if we are going to be successful.

When it comes down to it, the most important thing is to simply be interesting!  Some of you might say to yourself, “But I am interesting.”  This may very well be true; However, are you interesting in different ways than the competition?

For example:  The very nature of online dating almost encourages people to be somewhat boring since we all tend to try and get to know each other in similar ways by asking similar questions.

“What’s your name?” “Where are you from?” Etc.

While there is nothing wrong with these questions, odds are the person you are trying to date has dealt with them a million and one times if she has been online dating for a while.  So try to come up with things to say that are unique, different, and creative.  Most importantly, be interesting!  This is the easiest way you will rise above the competition and have success.

It is nearly impossible to compete with other men on 100hookup. This is especially true when these men make outrageous claims about themselves.  However, I am able to confidently tell women true facts about myself that cannot be refuted by research.

There’s nothing wrong with being a man with a Bachelor’s degree in History that does amateur stand-up comedy.  Ladies, who aren’t single, ask your boyfriend/husband/fiancé to get up on stage in front of thirty drunken men that are upset that the Houston Texans just lost another game.  Now try to make them laugh.  Though I recently found out that this is almost impossible, as hardcore, grieving NFL fans do not care about your humorous adventures in dating, I at least try.  It is often not fun or rewarding, but it does give me confidence in everyday situations that I didn’t know I had.

I’m no longer nervous about telling my boss to stop yelling at me.  I’ve also lost the inherent fear of becoming a teacher.  If I can stand up to angry adults, I can probably stand up to bored children.  Though my stand-up routine is largely unusable in a classroom situation, I am not terrified of public speaking.  My high school debate teacher once told our class that though he is very good at speaking in public, he still has a lifelong fear of public speaking.  Though I would grow to be horrified by this warlock-like man, I now understand what he meant.

Everything I write about, whether it’s for 100hookup or my personal blog, I take from my experiences, thoughts and opinions and use them as inspiration for each piece.  As a result, people in my life are often mentioned in my writing. However, even though I know that my friends and family don’t mind this reality, I often wonder what a woman who I reference in one of my 100hookup blogs thinks when she reads it.

Even though I don’t mention names and am careful not to say anything disparaging or critical about anyone except for myself, I still can’t help but wonder how women react when they read about themselves. Maybe some find it flattering, while others might be slightly embarrassed or even annoyed by this side-effect of corresponding or going out on a date with me. Ultimately what can I really do? In the end, I write from my heart about what I’m feeling or experiencing, so no matter how a woman feels about being mentioned in something that I’ve written I hope they know that my writing comes from a good and genuine place.

Dear Tamar,

I’ve been on several dates with a really nice guy who seemed very interested in seeing me after the third date. However, I’m been unavailable because I recently had surgery and have yet to see him. I sent him a message for Thanksgiving to which he answered with a question about when I would be visiting his area. I answered the email but not the question since it sounded like a half-hearted effort to see me again. I did see him online tonight and IM’ed him. He missed it but immediately emailed asking how I was and if I was recovered. I feel like I’m grasping straws. What do you think?

Dear Grasping at Straws,

It sounds like the guy likes you and I don’t know why you’re casting doubt. He has attempted to make a third date with you (so he could see you again) but you couldn’t for a very good reason and haven’t rescheduled. He answered your Thanksgiving greeting and asked when you would be near him (so he could see you again) and you ignored it. He emailed you and asked how you are feeling (so he could see you again) and you think you’re grasping at straws. What’s funny is that you have inadvertently played hard to get and it sounds like it’s working because the guy is still interested. Let him know you’re feeling better (if indeed you are) and that you’ll be in his area (even if you aren’t planning on doing so) and allow him to once again ask you out. Accept the date, enjoy yourself, don’t say anything about thinking he wasn’t interested and just see where it goes!

You meet the perfect girl.  It took you long enough but she is just perfect in every way.

Only one problem:  She has a dog and it just doesn’t ever shut up.  This dog makes non-bearded Robin Williams seem calm.  (Why exactly does Robin Williams only act calm when he has a beard in movies or real life?)

Anyway, enough about my strange yet tingly fascination with Robin Williams and his beard.  What do you actually do in this situation?  If there is one thing about dog lovers it is that they LOVE dogs.  The mere mention of you suggesting that the dog is any less important than anyone other than Oprah will have them thinking you are cruel.

It’s a tough situation.  A dog never goes away.  If you don’t like them or even if you do like them it will never get easier.  It’s like having a child forever.

And get a small dog and forget about it.  The barking will drive you INSANE if you don’t train it right.  Believe me, I’ve missed many a day’s work the next day because the “but he’s so cute” dog kept me up till five in the morning.

Many dog lovers will say, “Well I’ll always take care of it as long as we have it.”

Ummm… let’s be real.  The second you are deeply committed and live together we all know who will be picking up fun little surprises with a plastic bag every day.

So, if you see an online profile with a girl that loves dogs and she’s perfect in every way, but you just aren’t into dogs or, in fact, just don’t like them, then take my advice and think before you get yourself started on something that you may not be able to handle one day.  Because, trust me, the dogs aren’t going anywhere!

I know that it’s not the preferred method of communication by everyone but, regardless, I love texting. First off, it is casual and informal which syncs up well with what many people enjoy about online dating. Second of all, people are busy and they don’t always have time to respond to lengthy emails, or carry on long phone conversations where you can really get to know a lot about someone. However, perhaps the reason why I enjoy texting the most is that it’s fun.

Recently I began talking via email with a woman that I met on 100hookup, However, due to the travel schedule imposed by my job, we weren’t able to plan a date during what I considered to be the prime window. Fearing that I would miss my chance I asked for a date anyway just so that I could get her number and see if I could figure out a way in the interim to delay our first date without losing our momentum. That was where texting came in to play and was key to keeping everything going.

Around the time I was set to go on a road trip, I texted her in an attempt to begin a conversation and keep things progressing. She responded and seemed receptive to a texting conversation. As a result we’ve been texting back and forth for the past few days that I’ve been out of town, and through short messages we have been able to carry on a conversation where I think we’ve learned a lot about each other.

Instead of putting what we were doing or what some of our interests were in an email we’ve talked about them via text. In addition to our casual correspondence we made plans for a date when I got back. However, due to weather conditions in Chicago, our flight back was cancelled and I had to postpone our date. Perhaps had we been emailing and not texting she would have understood this situation; however, through our text messages she was fully aware of my situation.

In fact, she even suggested, after I told her that my flight was cancelled and our first date would have to be pushed back another week, that we continue texting and talking, which made me feel really good. Ultimately, I know that not everyone is going to be cool with this form of consistent communication, but right now it’s really the best way for me considering my schedule. In the end I appreciated her understanding and in spite of how well we’ve corresponded via text message I do plan on calling her from the airport later tonight so that we can finally take the next step in our relationship and chat over the phone.

I had developed an amazing online relationship with a wonderful girl on 100hookup.  We lived far from each other, though, so I knew that the relationship’s growth was futile.  Still, we had a great time talking to each other.  We shared relatively intimate things with each other online and soon decided to swap phone numbers.  Now, things got real.  I was texting and talking to a real person as opposed to another username on 100hookup.  It was pretty exciting.  I often told her tidbits of information that I would have never shared with her in an online conversation.  She now not only knew basic information about me but she knew my social security number, the pin number to my debit card, my email password, and my greatest fear.  Okay, she knew none of that, but she did know other information that couldn’t lead to identity fraud.

One day, I decided to take it a step further.  I asked what she was doing via text message.  She said she was studying for a test.  I thought that was odd because I knew she wasn’t in school.  I went with it, though.  “Oh, okay,” I said. “Anything I can do to help?”  “Who is this?” she asked.  “It’s me, Jeremy.”  “Jeremy, you know this is Meaghan, right?”  “Of course I know that.”  “This is Meaghan, your cousin.”  Whoa, we were cousins?  Why didn’t she tell me this pertinent information earlier in our phone relationship?  Also, interestingly enough, I remembered that I actually had a cousin named Meaghan.  Oh no.

Though I changed her name in this post to save myself from further humiliation, I believe that cell phones, especially ones that look and feel very technologically advanced, should include an important feature.  This feature should allow users to be unable to save two different phone numbers under the same name.  Though my story is sort of a worst-case scenario, this feature would be exceptionally helpful in preventing confusion about a person you are interested in dating and a person whose mother is your mother’s sister.

Dear Tamar,

I’ve sent various messages to different guys trying to open my mind and my preferences. However, most of them do not even open my message whether it’s a flirt or an email. What should I do?

Dear Message Center Mystery,

Don’t give up. It can take dozens and dozens of flirts and emails before you receive the kind of response you want, or any response at all. I’m glad that you’re expanding your preferences, so now make sure your profile and messages properly reflect you. Double check your photos, especially the first one, to make sure it’s the best photo you’ve ever taken! Confirm that your “About Me” paragraph is cute and flirty and fun. In particular, make sure the first sentence is catchy. Remember that many people are not paid members of 100hookup which means they cannot check their email, so don’t consider every unopened email a rejection. Have a good friend – one whom will be brutally honest – critique your photos, profile and emails, as well as your preferences, to make sure that you truly are putting yourself out there.

Dear Tamar,

Maybe it’s just me or what I say, but out of 83 emails I sent out I have only gotten back responses from 4 people. What’s the story?

Dear E-mail Eyesore,

Without reading one of your email examples I’ll give you some basic advice. First, a 5% response rate isn’t all that bad. I know one in every 20 emails doesn’t sound great, but it’s not terrible, I promise you. You have to take into consideration that only paid 100hookup members can open email, so your odds are probably more like 10% if not more. Then, keep in mind that the ones responding are the ones you want to talk to because you have already established a mutual admiration. Now, take a look at your emails and make sure they’re not too generic, not too long, not too self-involved, not over-flattering and that welcome a response. Emails must be personalized. Lastly, make sure you’re sending emails to people that are realistically in your range, whether that be age, location, looks or what have you. It’s great to reach for the stars because you may catch one, but make sure that, in general, your expectations are realistic. I think that if you implement these things and remember that not everyone can read their emails you’ll find yourself not only getting more responses but feeling better about the ones you do get and not wondering about the ones you’re not hearing back from.