Archive for September, 2010

A few years ago I dated a guy about five years older than me. When the relationship ended, I was stunned to see him step out with a woman five years older than he. That’s when I realized I was competing with women ten years my junior for the same men. Not a comforting thought.

This realization opened my eyes to a number of things. First, the guys on 100hookup are selecting a much wider age range than I had assumed. Men are far more open to dating women both much younger as well as much older than they are. Second, women tend to have much stricter standards and that calculates to more women per capita, an equation that makes an already tough dating scene seem impossible. It also made me realize that I don’t want to still be single ten years from now dating guys that are also dating girls ten years younger than I. If it bothers me as the younger woman in the scenario, I can’t even begin to imagine how perturbed the older women are.

I decided that women need to take a page from the men’s handbook and increase their age range preference. Of course you need to feel comfortable, but there’s no reason not to date a guy a year or two younger or, even, up to ten years older. If you feel old enough to be a guy’s mother or young enough to be his daughter, then maybe you’ve gone too far. Simply increase your age range a little bit in each direction in order to increase your chances at meeting your beshert. Good Luck!

Dear Tamar,

I have read the advice and followed all the recommendations (lots of pictures, upbeat, friendly, personal, identifying common interests, etc.), but have had limited activity.  If I could have a dime for every man that I have contacted who says, “thanks for your interest, but I have recently begun a serious relationship,” I’d be wealthy. I also find these same men trolling on 100hookup the next day and many days after. The second most common response is to just not answer. What can I do better?

Dear What Can I Do Better?

There are always things we can improve upon, but I commend you for making such a good effort. So listen — the guys who are telling you they’ve recently begun a serious relationship are trying to let you down easy. Give them credit for at least responding and not just ignoring you or replying with something rude. Girls do it too. I know I have before. On the same hand, not all the guys who don’t respond are rejecting you, they may just not have a paid membership and can’t check their email inbox. I suggest a profile makeover for starters, utilizing an honest male friend to help you edit. Narrow down the number of photos you use to just a few great ones and make sure your paragraphs are short but sweet, and not too revealing.  I would also recommend you scaling back a little — make sure the guys are viewing you and you’re viewing them, Hot List them, see if you Click! and Flirt. If you decide to initiate email contact (hopefully you’ll receive so many emails you won’t need to send one yourself…but just in case), make sure you’re not coming on too strong or exposing too much about yourself. Simply list what got your attention, something(s) you have in common and then let them know how to contact you if they are interested. Finally, don’t mention the negative experiences you’ve had on 100hookup at least until the 2nd date. Good luck!

For several months now, a close friend of mine has been going through a rough stretch in that it is difficult for him to meet women. He has a great personality and the uncanny ability to talk to anyone and make them feel comfortable, despite the situation he finds himself in. Like him, when I got out of a long-term relationship last May, I went through a comparable stretch where I tried to get back into the dating scene but lacked the confidence and emotional availability necessary to thrive in that environment.

Recently, my friend asked me about how 100hookup was going and I told him that I was enjoying the experience of meeting some really interesting people. And yet, while he has always been supportive of my foray into online dating, he has never been able to see himself in that world. It’s not because he has any prejudices or negative preconceived notions about Internet dating; it’s more that he viewed joining an online dating site as admitting defeat. Through this admission I was able to understand his perspective that, in spite of his recent dating frustrations and lack of success, he wasn’t ready to give up on conventionality.

Anyone who knows me will vouch for the fact that I don’t believe it’s my place to try to convince anyone to join an online dating site. However, I am not hesitant when the subject is brought up by others to point out its virtues and how it has helped me. The other night, while my friend and I were at dinner, I sensed a change in his tone as he questioned me about online dating. As such, I took the opportunity to explain to him what I believe to be the most significant way that being on 100hookup has helped me.

Over the past few months of being an active member on 100hookup, my dating confidence has grown significantly. Because of the extensive online community, the pressure and stress of meeting women in everyday situations was taken away and I quickly gained back the self-assurance necessary to open conversations, chat with, and go out on first dates with women. Furthermore, after feeling successful and gaining momentum on 100hookup, it has been much easier for me to talk to women that I meet in the same everyday situations where I had previously lacked all forms of confidence.

Almost immediately after I finished expressing this sentiment, my friend’s demeanor and perspective on online dating seemed to change. It was like a light bulb turned on in his head after realizing the numerous ways he could benefit from sites like 100hookup. In fact, later that night after returning home from dinner, he created a profile and thus began his online dating adventure.  I can honestly say I’m happy he did so because, bottom line, everyone deserves a chance at getting their dating confidence back.

It is really popular for people, in general, to say that going to the movies is an awful way to spend a first date. But I think that going to the movies can be part of a great date. Please note that I am often wrong, and have been on many terrible first dates.  This being said, however, I stand by my ridiculous claim.

Of course, just going to a movie can’t be a whole date.  I do believe, though, that it can supplement dinner, or another imaginative, phony, impromptu activity.  You can go out to dinner first, which everyone agrees is a satisfying shared activity. If the dinner goes well, you can offer to take your date to the movies.  If he/she says no, that’s okay.  But if he/she says yes, then it is on.

Even if dinner proves to both parties that the date was a mistake, a movie is a nice way to not have to talk to the other person for the rest of the night.  You can live vicariously, for about two hours, through the lives of the more attractive characters on the screen.  Go pretend that it’s you extracting information from another man’s dream, or get mistaken for a criminal while on a nice dinner date with your wife. Ahem, Tina Fey.

However, if dinner goes well, then the movie experience will prove even better.  Once you’re at the theatre sitting in your comfy, reclining chairs with optional armrests, it feels great.  The air conditioning is usually on high.  You’ve already (hopefully) shared fulfilling conversations, so now you can relax.  It’s okay to sit back and unwind.  You don’t have to talk for the entire date; sitting while not talking will probably comprise a good portion of your marriage in the future, anyway.  Might as well sit back and enjoy yourself.

Dear Tamar,

I know this may seem like a hard question to answer, but when hookup girls are looking to date a hookup guy, why do they have really high standards that no one can meet?  Every girl I’ve come in contact with on 100hookup is looking for someone that doesn’t exist.  For instance, I’ve met some girls who are still in school but are looking for a guy who already has his bachelor’s degree even though they haven’t yet graduated.  I understand the whole security thing with a job and degree, but is there a reason why girls on this site can’t look into the near, immediate future instead of so far down the road?

Dear High Standards Syndrome,

It may sound surprising to you, but there are guys on 100hookup who are just as picky and unrealistic! But that’s beside the point and I want to address your question and not just go on the defensive (hiding my smirk). It sounds like many of the girls you have experienced on 100hookup are on the younger side and I bet they will adjust their preferences as they get older and find that their idea of a perfect man doesn’t exist. In the meantime, I’d suggest you alter your preferences and look for women a bit older and who already have their bachelor degrees so you don’t run into the type of women you’ve described above. No matter what though, there are always going to be women who think they are the cat’s meow and believe they deserve the smartest, richest, most handsome guy out there even if they aren’t bringing the same attributes to the table. Luckily, your princess radar seems to be working, so simply eliminate these immature women with unrealistically high standards as soon as you see the signs. But, be cautious because sometimes a lamb is hiding in sheep’s clothing. Some women would rather set the highest standards for themselves and then decide which to compromise on when a good guy comes along — as they could do with you if only they would give you a chance and you would give them some leeway. I, on the other hand, always did the opposite: I set medium height yet realistic standards and waited for a guy to come along who surpassed my expectations. Try to hold back from judging the women too quickly as oftentimes women (as well as men) on 100hookup tend to come with an overly-confident attitude at first because they’re simply scared. Good Luck!

I think one of the most underrated elements of a romantic relationship is not necessarily whether the two people have a lot in common or get along very well but, rather, is the other person someone you enjoy doing nothing with; do you want to waste your time with them? Does their sheer presence, without uttering a word or glancing in your direction, make you feel better or warm inside?

When meeting new people and potentially entering into new relationships, one of the first things I think about is whether this is a person who I connect with, and enjoy being with so much that we don’t need to be doing anything in order to have a good time. Fancy dinners or evenings out can be fun with many different people; however, I believe that truly meaningful relationships are founded on whether or not you can have a great time together regardless of the setting or pretenses.

Walking in circles while holding hands, and simply talking for hours, can be fun dates. So can sitting down to watch television sitcom reruns and lying in bed for hours talking, even after you’ve both declared you’re tired, simply because you both don’t want to wrap up the conversation. It’s like every time you are together you don’t want the moment to end because you know when you leave each other those same things won’t be as fun.

Deep down I hope to find someone who I want to waste my time with because when I’m with them the time isn’t really wasted, at all.

It is really easy to assume that the most important features about yourself are the ones that other people can’t see.  I’m not talking about emotions, feelings, or any other silly, irrelevant ideas.  I’m talking about tangible features.  For example, if you have a giant goiter protruding from the front of your neck, you would probably dress up backwards for a first date and paint a face on the back of your head in order to convincingly hide the goiter.  This is just common sense.

The common assumption that imperfections should be hidden is often not true.  I’m not saying that it’s never true; see the above goiter analogy.  I have just spent way too much time trying to hide flaws, all the while ignoring bigger ones.  For example, about ten years ago, the dentist (you know the one) told me that I need to brush one certain area of my mouth extra hard.  Today, every time I brush my teeth, I brush that area more than the rest of my mouth; though there’s really no need to anymore.  I obsess over extraneous things while neglecting flaws that are way more apparent.  So after I brush my teeth for an unnecessarily long time, I may not think to work on very basic conversational tactics.  Then, I meet a girl for the first time and forget how to say “hi.”  Hey, at least I have killer teeth.

I bet eighty percent of your perceived ‘biggest flaws’ are almost never perceived by anybody else; especially somebody whom you have only met once or twice.  (This statistic is based on no research whatsoever.)  Self-consciousness, while sometimes helpful, can also grow like a cancer until you are nowhere near the person that you see yourself as.

Also, if you do have a giant goiter on your neck, I am really sorry.  Don’t dress up backwards.  That would absolutely just make everything worse.  Just remember to use iodized salt.

My friend Miriam* called me for advice the other day. She met a guy 100hookup but things haven’t exactly gone smoothly. He sent her the initial email on 100hookup which was good and after exchanging a few e-mails he asked her, still via 100hookup e-mail, to meet him for a glass of wine. She responded with her phone number. His response: his phone number. Obviously, they didn’t meet because someone had to make the first phone call, right? After a few more e-mails throughout the weekend he again asked her to meet, this time for gelato. She responded with her phone number. His response: a text. The non-existent relationship went from confusing to annoying.

She told him she wasn’t a text person, but he told her he wasn’t a phone person. It was enough to make a girl give up and Miriam was just about to throw in the towel. I advised her to stop playing his game and not respond to his texts. It worked. He finally called the next day to ask her out. Finally, they met but all that effort was wasted as it wasn’t meant to be. I doubt this guy is going to find his Beshert if he continues to be difficult and communicate with women in this bizarre way.

*all names have been changed

• Mazel tov @ilanaangel for having a great, honest @100hookup – we hope your luck continues on the site! RT @hookupJournal: https://bit.ly/dCz9YI #

Julie* recently went on a 100hookup with Brian, a good looking lawyer who recently moved to town. Unfortunately, the report was not good. Yes, Brian was handsome and smart, but no, he’s not an avid conversationalist. This guy didn’t know the meaning of biting his tongue or having restraint — he was an open book but Julie had barely read the back cover. The more he told Julie about himself, the less interested she became.

Brian proceeded to tell Julie all about his entire life over the course of one drink and one hour: his father’s six ex-wives; the medicines Brian takes for OCD and ADHD; his dyslexia; his skin rashes; his likes and dislikes; and finally – the kicker – his ex-girlfriend. None of the items are particularly funny when heard separately, but when taken altogether it was a dark comedy that had come to life.

Maybe Brian was trying to put all his cards on the table and let Julie know exactly what she’s getting into, but his technique needs some major help. Of the above list, the only topic that should be discussed during a first date is your likes and dislikes. 100hookup makes you feel like you know someone better than you really do before you even meet, but remember that the person sitting across from you is still a stranger. The prescriptions in your medicine cabinet are not something you would discuss with the person sitting next to you in the doctor’s waiting room, so why share it with a girl you’re trying to impress?

One of the reasons I suggest meeting your 100hookup matches right away is because you need to maintain some semblance of normalcy when it comes to conversation. You have the topics right in front of you when you look at their profiles, so use it to your advantage and keep to the typical first date conversation topics within those guidelines: why did you choose to go to [college]? Where did you grow up? How did you get started in your career? Stick to the basics and censor yourself before divulging information that is, to put it bluntly, none of your date’s business right now. On the first few dates, regale your date with funny, positive and interesting stories about yourself and leave the deeper, sad and bewildering stories for later on in the relationship. Hopefully you will be charming enough with the former to leave plenty of time for the latter.

*all names have been changed