I once suffered through most of a boring, lavishly overproduced movie, because I’d fallen for the woman’s back in the row ahead of me, and I was dying to see what her face looked like. Tens of millions of dollars and an A-list director couldn’t compete with this woman’s back. I left before the end of the credits, so I could stand in the lobby and get a good look. Problem was, everyone who left the theater appeared so different from what my imagination had construed from a lovely back that I could never deduce the woman’s front. I had to quickly position myself behind as many candidates leaving in droves as I could to see if a back jumped out at me, but alas, my “Scarlett” was nowhere to be found. Women are like butterflies. In one instant, you admire their beauty. The next instant, they’ve flown away.

What was it about this woman’s back that got to me? Whose back from my formative years must she have subliminally reminded me of? Cute girls in the rows ahead of me in class, no doubt. Had I caught up with her, what would I have said? “How did you like the movie? … So… tell me about your back.”

Cute meets are tough in real life. That’s why we have 100hookup!

Let me explain. You know that overwhelmingly wonderful feeling you get the moment a good movie ends in the theater? You had identified with the main character for at least an hour and a half. You could see yourself making the choices he (or she, but probably he) made during the film. He did all of the things that you have always been too scared to do. He told the girl he liked her. He jumped on a grenade to save people’s lives. He chose love over work. He went to the gym even when it was really cold outside.

Before the house lights come back on and crush this fleeting moment of complete clarity as you realize you have to go back to your monotonous life devoid of catharsis but full of disappointment, make a promise to yourself to do one thing that you know will make you uncomfortable. During the credits, make your own list of what we will now call ‘mind credits’. Promise yourself that you will tell the painfully platonic friend that you like her/him. In order to make sure that you follow through with this before you walk out of the theater, call her while still sitting in your seat. When either she picks up, or the answering machine starts, say ‘I love you.’ and then immediately hang up. That way, you will have to call back and explain yourself so it’s not awkward the next time you see each other. When you call back later, you don’t have to say that you actually love them, but you will have to explain why you made the call, and that is sure to be hilariously terrible.

Movies have a strange power.  For me, the worse the film, the better I feel about myself after I leave.  For example, after watching Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, I had the most fantastic day.  I think it is because bad movies give the viewer a skewed perception of reality, whereas good films either closely reflect real life or are so good at reimagining a fictional universe that the viewer cannot even begin to picture such a fantastic, fictional world.  A good example of a good recent film is Inception.  I couldn’t bond with the characters because I had no idea when the film takes place.  Everyone dresses like it’s the 1950s, but also there is a machine that lets people share the same dream.  I can’t identify with any of that.

I just got back from seeing a movie called Just Go With It. I saw it with a female friend and I think that we were the only two people in the theater that weren’t on a date.  Of course, maybe everybody was with a platonic friend of the opposite sex while assuming that everyone else was on a date.  Either way, it was depressing.  It was so clearly a date movie and I was so clearly not on a date.  The movie was not very good, but romantic comedies always give me an extra boost of confidence for about half an hour after the film ends.  If Adam Sandler, who today is 67 years old, can win over a really hot blonde and Jennifer Aniston, maybe I can find the confidence to call a girl and ask her to a bad movie.

So, immediately after the happy ending of the movie, I went straight to my phone.  I called a girl that I never had the guts to ask out.  She picked up and sounded very ill.  I freaked out and asked what was wrong, and she eloquently told me that it was 3 am on a Tuesday night.  Time!  I never think of time!  Why did I see a midnight showing of an awful movie on a work night?  But I’m still on the phone, and I am not going to back down this time.  So I ask her out, knowing she will agree because she is half asleep.  The next day I play back the tape of us talking because I apparently tapped the phone line* because I knew she wouldn’t believe that she agreed to a date with me.  Apparently, tapping a phone line and harassing people in the middle of the night are not the way to a girl’s heart.  They are, however, a horrible way to win a date that will end up being extremely uncomfortable.  I suddenly wake up and realize that this entire scenario was a dream that I had so that I would have backup material in order to write an impromptu blog post that won’t offend anybody.  Then I wake up again and realize that it was all a dream within a dream, and that I am actually the President of the United States.  I veto a few bills and go to bed.

*Can you even tap a cell phone?  I don’t even know how to tap a real phone.

It is really popular for people, in general, to say that going to the movies is an awful way to spend a first date. But I think that going to the movies can be part of a great date. Please note that I am often wrong, and have been on many terrible first dates.  This being said, however, I stand by my ridiculous claim.

Of course, just going to a movie can’t be a whole date.  I do believe, though, that it can supplement dinner, or another imaginative, phony, impromptu activity.  You can go out to dinner first, which everyone agrees is a satisfying shared activity. If the dinner goes well, you can offer to take your date to the movies.  If he/she says no, that’s okay.  But if he/she says yes, then it is on.

Even if dinner proves to both parties that the date was a mistake, a movie is a nice way to not have to talk to the other person for the rest of the night.  You can live vicariously, for about two hours, through the lives of the more attractive characters on the screen.  Go pretend that it’s you extracting information from another man’s dream, or get mistaken for a criminal while on a nice dinner date with your wife. Ahem, Tina Fey.

However, if dinner goes well, then the movie experience will prove even better.  Once you’re at the theatre sitting in your comfy, reclining chairs with optional armrests, it feels great.  The air conditioning is usually on high.  You’ve already (hopefully) shared fulfilling conversations, so now you can relax.  It’s okay to sit back and unwind.  You don’t have to talk for the entire date; sitting while not talking will probably comprise a good portion of your marriage in the future, anyway.  Might as well sit back and enjoy yourself.