Archive for September, 2010

Dear Tamar,

My former girlfriend is now on 100hookup, only three weeks after our breakup.  I still have feelings for her.  I have not put up my pic yet as I feel insecure about her seeing me on 100hookup.  I would like to contact her, but feel it is not appropriate as she is obviously seeking new men.  She will see me when my pic is put up. How do I handle this situation?

Dear Ex or Next?,

I don’t think 100hookup is the right forum in which to let your very recent ex-girlfriend know you still have feelings for her; that’s something that should be done in person or on the phone, not via a 100hookup email. If she had been an ex from long ago, I would say go for it as I think that’s romantic. But, since you just broke up, a different medium should be used. If you’re not ready to date then you should refrain from posting your pictures until you are emotionally available, otherwise it will be a waste of your time and the prospective date’s. Obviously, since you saw your ex’s profile is active, you know that she is trying to move on — even if she’s not ready, she’s trying to put herself out there and see what her options are. I recommend that to a lot of people as part of the breaking up and moving on process. On the flip side, you could post your photos, knowing she will see them and hope that any feelings she has for you will surface. But, hey, that’s playing games, both with her and your own heart and mind. Once the sting of knowing that your ex is ready to move on wears off then hopefully you’ll start being ready to, too. Good luck!

Anytime I’m supposed to go on a date that’s happening more than a day after I’ve planned it, I get irrationally nervous.  I know most people get nervous, and that’s normal.  I, as I said, however, get irrationally nervous, and this implies abnormality.  This exaggerated nervousness began around age thirteen, anytime I dreaded going to whoever’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah party was coming up that weekend.  I was not very popular, nor was I a good dancer.  If you’re not a good dancer within the company of thirteen year old kids, you are a terrible dancer.  That’s not why I got nervous, though.  In fact, I can’t really explain why.  I guess it was fear of being in an unknown social environment.  This is despite the fact that every party featured the exact same thirty kids.  To me, the environment was far from unknown.

Since that time, I have gradually developed a rather severe case of obsessive-compulsive disorder.  Its manifestations are complicated, and it would be incredibly boring if I tried to explain them here. But, basically, I obsess.  I obsess over the fact that I left my cell phone at home.  I obsess over the fact that I didn’t swipe deodorant under each arm exactly four times.  I obsess over the fact that I woke up at exactly 9:21 a.m., which is an extremely unlucky number.  See how those examples get progressively crazier, and therefore seem to correlates to how the disorder has regressed over the last thirteen years.

When I have an upcoming date in, say, four days I go nuts.  The first day, which we’ll call Monday, I completely forget how to talk to people.  I practice on my friends.  I call a female friend and go through the ‘hi…bye’ routine.  That is exactly how it sounds.  Seriously, I have to remind myself to say ‘hi’ when greeting somebody.  On Monday, I’m a blank slate.  And so, by Wednesday, I have worked myself into a frenzy.  My heart paces fast, and I can’t focus at work.  I go to the bathroom every five minutes and just pace around in the stall (which is logistically difficult).  By the time the actual date rolls around, I’ve already assumed the absolute worst.  This often works, as the absolute worst never happens.

Dear Tamar,

I’m having problems with what to include in my “About Me” paragraph. I know what I’m looking for and what I want in a potential partner, but I can’t describe myself well enough for fear I will be judged the wrong way. What would be your best advice? I’ve tried including my love of sports, hiking, camping, the outdoors, and I’m getting nothing! It’s frustrating. Also, if I see someone that I’m interested in, what’s the rule of thumb when sending the first email to a girl? I’m having a hard time getting responses. Thanks for your help!

Dear Rule of Thumb,

I think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to stop worrying how you’ll be perceived and to start sending emails. You’re not going to get any responses if you don’t make the first move. That said, if you know the description of yourself will offend the majority of women, then please do edit it and, while you’re at it, think about why you have to do so. Make sure your first line is catchy and I recommend having a sister or female friend read the paragraph to make sure you won’t be judged the wrong way. As for sending the first email, it’s never a bad thing and it never hurts. In the first email it’s imperative to let the woman know why her profile caught your eye, compliment something about her photos and mention 1-2 things you have in common. Finally, ask her if there’s mutual interest. Try to think about what you would want to read in the About Me paragraph and in a letter and apply that same concept to your repertoire. Good luck!

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Dear Tamar,

I’ve been a 100hookup member for about four months and have been chatting with someone since July. In our 1st chat he gave me his personal email, but since then his profile has been unavailable.  What does it mean?? He’s a widow and really interesting…but something weird is going on.  He told me he lives in NYC, but he’s been in Egypt for a month…and if I ask something personal he doesn’t answer. How do I know if he is telling the truth??

Dear Truth Teller,

If you have to ask the question then you probably already know the answer. This guy sounds super sketchy. He’s interesting because he’s making up interesting stuff to impress you. He’s totally unavailable and doesn’t reveal anything personal about himself. I would even go so far as to say he is either married or, at the very least, in a serious relationship. Sorry, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he sounds shady and I would suggest you block him, forget about him and move on to better (i.e. honest) men. If you feel like it, call him out on his conniving ways before you block him, but definitely forget about this loser! Good Luck!

After learning many (two) important lessons from my apocalyptic-soul-crushing-equivalent-of-a-first date, I assured myself that, by definition, the next date could not be any worse.  This time I would not blindingly dive into a pit of uncertainty.  I had to arm myself.

First, I decided to read information posted about people before deciding to meet them in person.  Last time, my criteria for a date consisted of the other party being a girl.  This time, maybe, I would check to see if we had some, or any, shared interests. The first girl’s profile I looked at said that she liked food.  I like food, too!  Bingo!  Let’s look at more things!  We both like attending events!  This is unreal.  Her “About Me” section was pleasant and she seemed like a really nice person.

Second, I decided that I would chat online with someone before I rush and ask a stranger out to dinner.  I wasn’t yet aware of the feature where you could immediately chat with anyone else that is online at the same time.  I sent the same girl an email, which began a nice back-and-forth conversation.  Once I felt comfortable, I asked her to dinner.  She said yes!

We went to a quasi-fancy Italian restaurant, and it was quasi-expensive.  We both ordered spaghetti, and it was quasi-tasty.  The entire night had an awkward tinge to it.  I don’t think there’s any way to meet a person for the first time after talking online for so long and not feel a little uncomfortable.  If there is, maybe that is love.

Though there was never a second date, I left the first date feeling just fine.  The one date fulfilled all the social and food requirements I needed for the night.  Though I did want to see her again, she apparently did not.  Since I had nothing to lose, I asked her why she didn’t want to see me.  She responded by saying that though I was a nice guy, I mentioned bodily functions too much.  Who knew?

You are going to meet people on 100hookup. You are going to talk to the people you meet and, in some cases, you are going to have an extended interaction with them that leads to a date. In those cases, if you are like me, you’re going to get excited and eagerly anticipate that first meeting.

Depending on the particular situation, a first date might range from simply meeting for coffee to grabbing a nice dinner to even something more ambitious and unique like going to an exhibit or attending a concert. Even though each couple is going to make different choices regarding how they construct their first date, when it comes down to it, they’re meeting and that’s all really all that matters. Especially since getting to that first date isn’t always easy.

Many online conversations start out as promising but never seem to find exactly the right rhythm that keeps them going and elevates them to that next level. However, you can’t be deterred by this online dating inevitability (and others like it), and must stay the course by remaining active in trying to meet people. It is that attitude which ultimately makes that first meeting so fulfilling.

But what happens if the night before, or day of the big date, the other person cancels?

This scenario happened to me several times before I even went out on my “first” first date with someone I had met on 100hookup and I’ll be completely honest when I say it doesn’t feel good. No matter how legitimate the excuse sounds, no one likes to have the rug pulled out from under them, especially in a situation that they were looking forward to, and had put a lot of time and energy into setting up.

I’ve had women cancel on me for a variety of reasons, including having to babysit for friends, forgetting about a friend’s graduation they promised to attend, bad headaches and some others I can’t even remember anymore. However, in spite of the fact that some of these excuses were probably true, the point still remains that it sucks to be cancelled on.

Unfortunately having people break plans that you were excited about is a part of the online dating game and is, therefore, pretty much unavoidable. Putting up a profile on a dating website and thus proclaiming to the online dating community that you are single and looking to meet people is the first important step, but you need to stay committed and not dwell on the disappoints that pop up along the way. I promise when you finally get to that first date, and everything about it feels right and natural, you’ll be glad you didn’t let a few broken plans deter you from trying.

Dear Tamar,

I’m a caring, honest gentleman who has lost faith and trust. I haven’t received any responses from members on 100hookup and I’ve been on for a year.  I’m looking for a nice, genuine, caring, cute girl, but after reading through profiles, it’s hard to tell whether or not they’re real. How can you tell?

Dear Losing Faith,

I know it’s hard not to get cynical when dating has become difficult, but try to keep faith that there are some really great ladies out there who are perfect for you and who want to date and marry you. My advice would be not to worry about if profiles are fake or not but, rather, to concentrate more on what you’re putting out there and who you’re pursuing. Are your pictures and profile up to par? Are your preferences realistic? Make sure you’re representing yourself honestly, just as you want women to be honest, as well. Also, be careful of not being too forward in your introductory emails; simply let the women know what about them you found intriguing, what commonalities you have and that you’d like to get to know her better. Ask the most down to earth woman you know to check out your pictures, profile, preferences and emails to make sure you’re coming across the way you’re hoping to. Once you have that taken care of, I’m sure you will start getting some responses. Good Luck!

Last week I went out on a first date with a woman I had met on 100hookup about a week and a half prior. She had originally instant messaged me and the conversation had gone so well that we began emailing the day after. Our email correspondence was so interesting and engaging that it led to us making a date to meet for dinner at 7:30 last Wednesday. I was coming straight from work and was going to have to drive through downtown Chicago in order to get to the restaurant, so how long it would take me to get there depended heavily on whether there was traffic in the loop.

Despite worrying that afternoon that I wasn’t going to get out of work in time to make dinner, I ended up leaving only a little after 6:30. While walking through the parking lot to my car, I used the GoogleMaps™ app on my iPhone^® to confirm directions and predict my approximate travel time: 35 minutes, so it said.

Now with the knowledge that I would arrive in plenty of time, I drove confidently to my date with the tunes cranked up and little on my mind. As I flew through the city and reached my exit quickly, I realized that all I needed to do once I got off the highway was go about half a mile west before I would be at the restaurant. However, subsequent to this realization, it also dawned on me that I would be arriving twenty minutes early.

Even though it’s obvious that I would rather be twenty minutes early than even a few minutes late (call me old-fashioned but a woman that I’ve asked out on a date shouldn’t be the first one to arrive and have to wait for me), I was slightly unsure how I was going to pass the time. Furthermore, standing outside the restaurant, which was located on a busy street, became more and more awkward the longer I loitered. Unfortunately, as the result of my discomfort, after about 10 minutes of waiting I started to get inside my own head.

I began to get nervous thinking about how much she would look like her pictures, if we would have anything to talk about and whether the date would go well, in general. When she finally arrived, just about exactly on time, I definitely wasn’t feeling as good as I had when I was flying through the city, blasting music and singing at the top of my lungs. As a result, it definitely took me longer to settle into the natural flow of the date, though I must say that I think I rallied well and we both ended up having a nice time.

Even though you only get one chance to make a first impression, which obviously puts extra emphasis on it being a good one, that isn’t always going to happen. Ultimately, you just have to try to keep your confidence up, (in spite of the fact that you haven’t initially made the impression that you had hoped to), and do the best you can to be yourself and feel comfortable during the rest of the date. In life, how we look when we finish is often far more important than what we looked like when we started.

*iPhone is a registered trademark of Apple Inc.

The phrase “searching for Mr. Right” is very common.  Women use it whenever they discuss their lucrative plans for finding and marrying the unattainable and incorruptible male.  To date, no woman has found such a creature, yet their determination is strengthened every time they find any perceivable flaw in any man they come across.  They are too stubborn to realize that “Mr. Right” does exist, but only in movies, novels, and other fictional products of imperfect male imaginations.

There is no comparable phrase that men use when searching for a companion of the opposite (or same) sex.  You don’t hear guys at some dive bar giddily talking about their search for “Ms. Right.”  Men have been through too much to believe in the fantasy of perfection.  Most guys (me) will settle for anybody that seems nice.  I think, instead, guys use the phrase, “I’m still searching for somebody tolerable,” which sometimes devolves into, “I’m still searching for a breathing female”.

Some men think that they have met “Ms. Right” in the past, but she is really the glossed memory of a first love that has been enhanced by time.  Seriously, who doesn’t look back kindly onto their first kiss or first love?  Granted, I do not want to get back together with the first girl I kissed, or the first girl I thought I loved.  Okay, I kind of do.  Yet, though their memory lives on in our minds as unrestrained perfection, the truth is often marred by reality.  For example, the first girl that I kissed was also kissing three other guys, (though not at the same time).  Though I know this now, the memory is still too strong to be tainted by truth.  She was still perfect.