Archive for April, 2010

The most valuable lesson my sister taught me in high school which still remains in my head, “if you hold your hand up and have that many “true” friends in your life at the same time, who truly have your best interest at heart, you are a wealthy individual”.  We all have our dating stories and go through relationship ups/downs, and perhaps even turn to our friends for some dating guidance.  [Disclosure: I am a very optimistic Disney fairy tale believing individual].  That being said, I do believe it is important to be cautious with the advice you are given by your other single friends.  First off, they are single.  Case in point.  Secondly, no one wants to be the last person standing.  For example, if my hypothetical boyfriend’s single guy friend no longer had a playmate for his weekend steak dinners and bar festivities, is he really going to be the person advocating the best outcome for the relationship?  He misses his wingman and doesn’t want to be left standing.  The expression misery loves company came from somewhere.  I’m not saying this is always the case.  And in fact, regardless, the couple in the relationship should be strong enough to do what is best for them.  Just sometimes, outside persuasion, especially from your single wingman, may not be the best advice to get you to where you ultimately want to be.  Just sayin…

It’s impossible to turn on the television without hearing about Tiger Woods or Jesse James. I think the most shocking part of the story is Jesse James seemed to have chosen the “perfect woman.” Obviously, he didn’t. The part that gets me is these other women coming out of the wood-work. I know I have wondered why someone would want to be a mistress.  What’s in it for them? How can we as women avoid this pitfall?  I’m not naive, I know it happens every day, but it usually turns out to be a negative experience for all parties involved.

It has been my experience that these other women are looking to fill a void in their lives.  If you have ever had an affair or are considering the possibility, keep in mind there are probably more issues going on than you are aware. My best suggestion is to consider the pay-off. What exactly can you get out of a man who has a number one woman in his life? Remember to consider the consequences of engaging in this type of behavior and keep in mind you deserve to be happy with someone who loves you and only you.

100hookup is a mitzvah.  Not because I blog for them, but because I know many many people who, had it not been for 100hookup, would not have met their Beshert.  Most hookup singletons at some time or another have used 100hookup as a resource to meet people.  The tricky navigation is what happens if you actually meet someone on 100hookup that you like…the inevitable question on both persons’ minds are-“Are they still logging on and cyberspace shopping?”  If their interest is genuine, why would they log on?  My friend Adam (names have been changed to protect the innocent), was quite stunned when after a “great” date with a little action, he was notified by his buddy that his date from last night logged on before the sun rose the next morning.  What does this mean?   NOTHING.  There can be a number of reasons why someone may log on.  Of course, common sense may suggest that if you have a really good time on the date, ride the wave and see where it goes and be respectful as everyone knows the Internet is like “Big Brother.”  But, since everyone does know that, the bottom line is to not put much credence into whether someone logged into 100hookup; positively or negatively.  If you meet on the site and have been on one or two dates, you may be setting an unrealistic expectation.  There is no replacement for communication to make sure that everyone is on the same page.  I wouldn’t go writing a quality person off just because he/she logged onto 100hookup the next day, nor would I be planning a wedding.  I don’t believe there is a correlation between one’s feelings and intentions and logging on in the beginning stage of a courtship.  Early communication however, can alleviate any awkwardness that social media presents, both good and bad.

Dear Gems from Jen,

I dated this guy for about two months, and although it wasn’t a passionate love affair, it was progressing in a good direction. I met his entire family for brunch on back-to-back weekends. His parents are divorced, so I met all four parents and his siblings. I definitely got the impression that they liked me and he did validate my thoughts by saying that he was glad that I came to brunch to meet his family. The change in how he viewed the relationship came on suddenly. I asked him to go to my home city for Passover weekend and he was a little hesitant. He then forgot that we had plans the next day. We have different energy levels and I am very social. Sunday, he said he was so happy that we spent the weekend together, and then Wednesday he sends me a text message that he can’t go to my home city for the weekend, because he is not up to it. I called him a half hour later and he ends it, because he thinks that he can’t keep up with me and that he is afraid he can’t satisfy my needs. He said that he can’t handle the possibility of falling in love with me and then getting rejected. He said, “I was out of his league and because I am so wonderful, he has to end things.” My friends initially thought this was not possible, and that ‘he was just not that into me,’ but after his actions since then, it is not clear what to think. He de-friended me two hours after he ended it, had his sister de-friend me a few days later, ignored my text message asking him to dinner to talk, and then de-tagged himself from every photo of us. I finally went to his house to talk to him and he said that he has a fear of abandonment and loss. The closer he gets to someone, the more he has to lose. He said he needed to end it before he fell too hard and then I left him. I have never dealt with this type of problem before. Is this a common issue and is there an easy way to avoid these types of men in the future?

Dear Fear of Abandonment,

Whatever his reasons may be for not wanting to see you any longer, count yourself lucky that you found out sooner rather than later. I know this is easier said than done, but don’t give him a second thought.  He is most certainly not worth your time or energy.

I cannot speak for all of the men out there, but, no I don’t think this is a common issue.  People do have fears of abandonment, but without the risk there is no reward. If everyone held back for fear of rejection and/or loss then everyone would be single!  In my opinion, men who are willing to take a risk are much more attractive.
I’m not sure if there is an absolute answer to avoid men who display this type of behavior, but there are some guidelines to follow. Only date men who display self confidence without being cocky. By this I mean, a man who is not afraid to share his emotions and is also interested in what you are feeling. Only date guys who are willing to do their fair share of the work in terms of the relationship. For example, a man who calls when he says he will call, a man who doesn’t leave all of the planning up to you, and a man who shows as much interest in you as you do in him.

Remember that you deserve to be happy and settling for anything less is doing yourself an injustice!

Signed,

Gems from Jen

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A huge mistake a lot of people make when beginning a relationship is to put the new person before themselves. It feels good to put others before ourselves, but in the end it will inevitably lead to resentment. Our needs are important and need to be fulfilled before we can give love to another person. Taking care of ourselves helps our sense of self worth to flourish. Take some time to get to know yourself.  Don’t lose touch with family and friends. Don’t give up hobbies. Make time for yourself and pamper yourself.  Once you are fulfilled, a relationship will complement rather than fill a void that can never be filled by another person. Loving thyself is the most important gift we can give ourselves.

Jerry Seinfeld wisely observed that breaking up with someone was like trying to tip over a soda machine.  You can’t do it in one push.  You have to get it rocking.  Once it is moving and unstable, only then can you push it over.  In some occasions the exploding soda pop (i.e. relationship) can be rescued and resuscitated, but that happens only when both partners are committed and have the strong desire to push through the bumps and understand what is causing the hiccups in the first place.  We all know fights are never about the “actual” fight.  Once you discover the true cause of concern, the reality of the situation is usually unmasked.  The majority of the time it is “fear” of something.  Fear is one of the strongest motivations causing people to act in one manner or another.  No matter how you look at it, whether you are on the initiating or receiving end of pushing over a soda machine, it is never fun.  The potential you had romantically hoped for seems no longer viable.  If you dated a long time, you are possibly missing your best friend (and that is probably the toughest).  Usually, there are two routes: Some folks attempt to fry the same egg twice and start over giving it another shot; while others prefer to hope that a new bus is around the corner with new possibilities.  With Spring around the corner, here’s hoping for new beginnings in whichever form they may come.