Archive for April, 2009

As I prepare for another Seder with my family, I have begun to think about the implications of being single again this Pesach. I already know the questions I will be asked: “Are you dating?” “Don’t you think it is time to settle down?” “Your brother gave us grandchildren, why not you?” The questions are endless and the answers are already memorized.

I have come to the realization that being single is not a crime. I actually enjoy dating and meeting new people. I like the preparation, the first meeting, the mystery of what is yet to come. Does this mean I am not looking for something greater? No, it doesn’t. I am. However, there is nothing wrong with taking my time and knowing what I am getting myself into before making a commitment.

I think during this year’s Seder I will allow my parents to ask the questions, but realize that these questions are about their wants and needs, not mine. I want to find the “real deal,” not the deal my parents believe is right for me. I will remain single until I find the one person who complements me best. If my parents or anyone else do not understand, that’s on them, not me.

I truly believe that one of the reasons the divorce rate is so high is because people rush into something due to pressure from outside influences. I have worked with many divorced clients who all seem to have similar stories: “My parents wanted me to find someone;” “All of my friends were getting married and having babies;” “I thought it was what society expected of me.” The underlying theme here is that they were married based on what other people or norms expected of them, rather than what they wanted or needed for themselves.

This year, during Pesach I will reflect on my own personal freedoms and thank G-d I have the power to make my own choices. I will settle down when I am ready. I will have my own family when I am ready. Freedom, such a beautiful feeling!

Growing up in Manhattan, Geraldo Rivera was raised mostly hookup. His mother, Lillian Friedman, made sure he had his Bar Mitzvah. His Puerto Rican father, Cruz (which means cross), changed his name to Allen Rivera to assuage the in-laws. Early in his career, Rivera investigated the mystery surrounding the 1977 death of Elvis Presley.
His reporting concluded that Elvis’ death could have been prevented had his doctor not overprescribed medication. Tennessee medical authorities followed suit and later revoked the doctor’s medical license. Rivera is also notorious for being hit in the face by an airborne chair thrown by a white supremacist, and for his over-hyped TV special, “The Mystery of Al Capone’s Vault.” In search of buried treasure and other historical artifacts, Rivera excavated the vault on live television. Unfortunately, he found nothing but a few broken glass bottles.

• @judyprays likes 100hookup’s new Mensch of the Month feature. Nominate a deserving Mensch & get 2 free subscriptions: https://tinyurl.com/ddq4wm in reply to judyprays #
• @Coverman_Blind Best of luck to your JDad! Most embarrassing hookup celeb dad? 100hookup members say Adam Sandler. Menschiest? Billy Crystal. #
• Success Story: How do a Red Sox fan and a Dodgers fan end up together? 100hookup of course! Check it out: https://tinyurl.com/cxqn7q #
• @amschloss Good luck on your 100hookup journey! One quick tip – make your username pop with an expressive detail about what makes you, YOU. in reply to amschloss #

As I was getting ready for a date on Saturday night I began to think about my body language and what I am really saying with my non-verbal communication. I look at the body language cues my clients are always sharing with me, but my own have never been that important to me, at least in the dating arena. Of course there is always my grandmother’s voice in the back of my head reminding me to watch my posture and stop tapping my legs. But that is neither here nor there. She wants me to find a nice hookup man so I kept those reminders with me during my date last Saturday night, too.

Remember learning how to interview? What is the cardinal rule? Eye contact! The more eye contact the better, that is if you are interested, of course. I was well aware of my eye contact last Saturday and it worked. I gave him long gazes and didn’t turn away, even when I was feeling uncomfortable or unsure of myself. Now, don’t get me wrong I wasn’t staring at him all night long, but I was giving him enough eye contact so that he was aware I was interested in what he had to say. I remained very aware of the times I looked away and made a conscious effort not to stare at other restaurant patrons, the ceiling, or the floor. I kept my focus on him.

I made sure my stance was open and inviting. I did not cross my arms and did everything in my power to ensure my body was facing him throughout the date. I leaned forward on a few occasions, just so he knew I was paying attention.

I made sure to laugh, give him open lipped smiles, touch his arm when the moment seemed right, and tilt my head every so often.

None of these non-verbal tasks were difficult, but that’s because I was interested. Since I was so keenly aware of what I was doing, I decided to study his body language throughout the evening as well. He initiated and returned my eye contact. He never crossed his arms, and he leaned in towards me on several occasions. We began to mirror each another using a completely non-verbal language. My findings? He called- we are going out again this Saturday. Wish me luck.

Several years ago, Partner Steve at my law firm inquired about the current status of my latest relationship. My response, cautiously optimistic, “Well, I’m reserving judgment and waiting for the Four Seasons”. Steve ridiculed, “What, the Ritz isn’t good enough??…” At the time, I held steadfast to my “Four Seasons” Theory, explaining how I felt it was important to see your (potential) life partner in different scenarios over time…winter, summer, holidays, weddings, funerals, etc., to get a complete picture of compatibility. Steve’s response: “GET OVER IT.” Steve’s point resonates with me today, more and more.

Last month two friends contacted me to announce their separate engagements. My first response, “Mazel Tov” and secondly, “To Whom??”  Both couples in their late thirties had dated their fiancé’s less than 4 months before becoming engaged. Holy maracas?!?!  Reflecting upon Steve’s advice and talking with my newly-engaged friends, I concluded their decision was not so crazy after all. By the time you are in your mid-thirties hopefully you have had more than enough dating and relationship experience to have the knowledge and self awareness of your desires and needs in a partner. As hopeless of a romantic as I am, I’m convinced the majority of relationships that succeed is largely due to the critical component of timing (there will always be someone more attractive or more compatible).  But two individuals who “truly” are over being singletons and are ready to be part of a couple, that is a requisite.  Once the proverbial green light is on, then the challenge is simply finding someone you are mentally, emotionally and physically attracted to who has similar visions, goals and compatible values. Easy enough, right???

With timing, experience and knowledge in hand, I’m no longer convinced that the Four Seasons Theory is the best determinant of a successful relationship.  As Billy Crystal so eloquently stated, “I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible”. Granted they were friends for awhile before – that is a whole different topic, but the point remains the same.

Spring break is in full swing and it’s made bottled blondes and faux tanning as American as apple pie (with a slightly greater health risk than those oh-so-totally-worth-it calories). So as seems to be a recurring theme with my life lately, I am in serious need of an adventure, a change, and clearly a tan before my porcelain skin is replaced with a bronze glow and “pale is the new tan” is no longer making headlines. Lucky for me, 100hookup has conveniently planned a pseudo-spring break for Memorial Day weekend and I am more than on board! I have recruited my fave wing girl, and we’re both excited to leave Los Angeles behind in favor of a trendier resort locale. So, I am advising that you all consider doing the same as well; Palm Desert and Sin City were clearly so 2008 anyway. Before you pack the SPF and leave Los Scandalous to join Jimmy Buffet’s search for his lost shaker of salt, I advise that you prepare yourself for a UV saturated sea-soaked good time. The countdown is on and I have two months until the BFF and I leave sunny So Cal in the hopes of becoming sun lightened in Cancun. Viva Mexico, margaritas and Monsieur Cuervo.

I have been single and celibate for 9 years, mostly due to illness. However, I’ve since recovered and am looking to get back into life again. How do I explain my absence?

Dear Sylvia,

Let me begin with mazel tov to you on your recovery and jumping back into the dating pool! 100hookup is a great way to start this process.

My suggestion: be open and honest. Relationships are built on trust, it’s that simple. It sounds to me as if you may not be comfortable with your own absence. There is no shame in being out of the dating scene and getting back into it, no matter the reason. Everyone is entitled to find true happiness and you are no exception.

Not everyone has to know everything from the get go. However, if you are asked, feel a connection, and feel comfortable with the questioner, tell the truth. Getting to know someone is a process. Focus on the present moment and what it is you are looking for in a potential partner. Explaining your absence will come in time, be patient and be aware that it is not necessary to defend your absence to every person who is a potential match. Take pleasure in your renewed health and enjoy these new dating experiences.

Signed,

Gems From Jen