Shakespearean sonnets, sad country songs, even the clichéd wisdom of a Hallmark card… the written word of Valentine’s Day is alive and well as we count down to the dreaded date. As a dating blogger, I feel the pressure to give serious advice intended to land you a date for February 14, or how to survive the day as a single person, or how to acknowledge the day if you just started seeing someone.  But instead, I’m inviting you, the readers of JBlog, to be my Valentine.  Unfortunately, I can’t shower you with flowers and candy through the internet, but I can write you some poems to mark the occasion.  Who doesn’t love celebratory limericks and haikus?

 

He’s just not that into you

If he doesn’t call after date number two.

Don’t send him a text;

Just go on to the next

And log on to find your next Jew!

 

—

Had a great first date

Valentine’s Day is this week

Too soon for flowers?

__

A new message arrived just for me,

Looks like my dream man – could it be?

He’s tall and he’s funny,

He makes lots of money!

Oh wait, he’s not even 23!

__

Single on V-Day?

Don’t want to go to the bars?

Stay home with Netflix!

___

Why is it always so

That we tend to like those we don’t know?

But when seen up close

The unknown becomes gross!

So enjoy whom you’re with, head to toe.

Valentine’s Day… that Hallmark holiday where EVERYTHING is overpriced and the pressure behind doing something takes away from the effort put in. That said, you can’t NOT do something, right? But, why wait? Make your significant other feel special all the time, and then it won’t feel so forced on February 14th. Try these ideas for something to do!

In the meantime, if you are entering into a new relationship and V-Day is approaching far too quickly for the sentimentality… then talk about it to diffuse the pressure that is likely building between the two of you. Just simply say: “I know Valentine’s Day is coming up, and since we just recently started dating I would like to do something, but I also don’t want to make it into too big of a deal since it is so early on…” and then discuss some ideas together.

Once you’ve made plans together think of something small you each can do to surprise the other — whether that’s having flowers delivered to her office sometime next week or buying that new fitted ballcap from his favorite sports team. Put in a little extra effort to show the other person that they are appreciated and that you are excited to see what the future holds!

Friday morning post-Valentine’s Day… are you waking up in bed next to someone you barely know because you got lonely and a bit depressed yesterday? Did you drink too much last night and lower your inhibitions and end up going home with someone who would never normally in a million years be your type? Did you let some silly Hallmark holiday get the best of you?

Friday morning post-Valentine’s Day… did you spend the night crying into your bowl of butter-lovers popcorn mixed with peanut m&ms and hot tamales whilst watching “Sleepless in Seattle,” “Ghost” and “The Notebook” moping about how you’d rather find love and lose it than never love at all. Did you let some silly Hallmark holiday get the best of you?

Regardless of which scenario you fall under, shake it off and move forward. You’re better than that. Consider it one last binge-and-purge before starting a healthy diet. You got it out of your system, now slap a smile on your face and take to 100hookup with a new-found attitude. Send me your profile name and I’ll be happy to help in Monday Makeovers. Just do something positive and proactive so that you are spending V-Day with a loved one in 2014. And if not that’s not what’s in the cards for you then at least make a pact with yourself that you’ll party it up with your friends and not let a silly Hallmark holiday get the best of you.

If you check Twitter, Facebook, your email, a dating site, an adult film store, or your local big box retailer, you’ll find aisles upon aisles dedicated to Valentine’s Day goodness. It’s a big deal, and great for the service industry (as you can take our your misery or happiness on happy hour)!

Why is Valentine’s Day so important? Why is there one day focused on showing affection to your spouse, or picking up another single person at the local “Stoplight” party? Why is Target only selling pink, red and white M&Ms? Did Kobe and Shaq kiss and make up two nights ago so they wouldn’t have to go out together tonight?

Valentine’s Day is a holiday that’s grown in popularity over the past 50 years, and in terms of retail holiness for Jews, might be entering Hanukkah territory (admit it, when have you ever seen a Rosh Hashanah movie on TV?). On a national scale, it ranks up there with Christmas, New Year’s, Halloween, and July 4^th as the most Instagrammed holiday of the year… per statistics that I made up.

With this increased importance, is it time for us to replace Columbus Day as a national holiday with Valentine’s Day instead? If someone recently suffered a break up, and their depression is too much to stomach at work, shouldn’t they be granted a Valentine’s Day off to watch timeless romantic classics like Love Actually, When Harry Met Sally and Space Jam? On the other hand, shouldn’t the government grant us an “Intimacy Day” due to the fact that we have a “demographic cliff” problem in the USA, as the birthrate is declining?

Think of the impacts this could have. Singles, married people, and people in all other types of relationships will be able to fully recover from their depression/euphoria/taking a hit to their bank account by having a day off from work and will come in fully rested and ready to work on February 15 — excited that their next day off is President’s Day in just a few days.

Why is this day different from any other day? A day where love birds bat their eyelashes on top of one another and gallivant around providing an ungodly amount of PDA that’s seriously crowding your comfort zone.

You may find yourself asking that Passover-like question this week as the glimmering red tissue paper and stuffed bears haunt you as you’re just trying to make it through another Valentine’s Day — alone. But it doesn’t have to be that way. For us, the ones who are on a holy quest to find a mensch that can warm their frosty winter heart (as much as a quick slice of pizza can), it’s day that warrants us to feel special.

I’ve spent Valentine’s Day squeezing teddy bears filled with chocolate given to me by my parents, on first dates at fast food restaurants, over a glass of Pinot with good friends, and even, occasionally, face-to-face with some ice cream cake while turning the pages of a book of Neruda poetry. Whatever it is that will make you feel extraordinary, do it. It’s just one day out of the year that you absolutely deserve to be dazzled, just like everyone else.

Valentine’s Day Dos:

• Ask someone out for a rendezvous on Valentine’s Day (even if it’s a first date) and make them feel as special as you would on any other date.
• Add a little bit of flair with a single rose, a selection of chocolate, or any other type of simple acknowledgement that here you are, together, on a day that’s designed to make people feel exotically special.

Valentine’s Day Don’ts:

• Sit at home alone and sulk.
• Send messages out of desperation to an enormous amount of people online because you are eager to experience any type of in-person connection on this holiday.
• Consume too much wine, chocolate, or episodes of Sex and the City (alone).
• Turn down a potential suitor just because you find it “pressuring” to go out with them on Valentine’s Day.

Want to be my Valentine? Contact me here: www.thethingsilearnedfrom.com

The night before this year’s Valentine’s Day is turning out to be exactly like the ones ten to fifteen years ago. I spent the night scrambling to drugstores looking for cheap candy that I can give out to people so that they will like me. Though last decade, they were aimed at girls in my classes, and this year, they are aimed at making my five-year-old students like me, the thought is the same. I can be a horrible person all the time, but somehow if I give people a tiny amount of chocolate one time a year, they will just like me so much.

I actually ended up at the exact same Walgreens I spent Valentine’s Eve, 2002. Though this time I also had to buy anti-anxiety prescription drugs, everything else was the same: deodorant, orange juice, and a shitload of chocolate. I think that I need to reevaluate my life every ten years, return to the same Walgreens, and buy Valentine chocolates for a brand new demographic of people. Maybe on Valentine’s Eve, 2022, I will re-return to Walgreens to buy Valentine candies for all of the people who live under the freeway with me. I will find love somewhere!

Okay, it’s here. The day you’ve all been looking forward to. If you’re a florist or dentist. The day we can finally stop noticing Hallmark displays that kvell over affection that nearly equals my passion for looking the other way in response to public displays of affection. Update: Hallmark just replaced them with Passover cards. Why live in the present when you can live in the warm and fuzzy near future?

Months ago I recorded Valentine’s Day, the movie, because venting while watching something you suspect will get on your nerves can be therapeutic. I’ve yet to set foot near it. Why do I diss both the holiday and the movie I’ve not yet seen? Because I’m not currently running slow motion through a field of daisies, that’s why.

The first time audiences watched people running slow motion through a field of daisies: “Aww. They must be in love. How sweet.” The second and subsequent times audiences watched people running slow motion through a field of daisies: “Hope this popcorn tub doubles as a vomit bag.”

I’m done venting. Have fun tonight, all you observers of the holiday. For the rest of you – happy Passover.

Da Dump! … Da Dump! The foreboding music from Jaws? Yes. Plus it’s also the ominous sound of Valentine’s Day about to bite us and our wallets. We just overpaid for a night on the town on New Year’s Eve. Aren’t there other ways of demonstrating your love besides getting ripped off? No. The restaurants know we’re trapped – why else would they jack up the prices?

When I offer up Valentine’s Day gifts, I feel like such a walking cliché. “Oh, a heart-shaped package of chocolates. How novel! And flowers. So… lacking in original thought-ful!”

You also run the risk of overestimating the relationship. “What makes you think we’ve reached the red roses stage? Pink roses, maybe.”

I don’t know about you, but when St. Valentine nears me, his aim gets sloppy. Our hearts may be his target, but his arrow winds up grazing our handheld devices before images of little iPhones®, not valentines, erupt over our heads. Translation: We’re checking 100hookup for what else is out there.

Just kidding, guys. It’s a great holiday. And we’ve still got a week to finalize our plans. How ‘bout… chocolate flowers?

We all come to online dating for different reasons.   Some of us are looking for a mere hookup, others are looking to casually date, while others want relationships and more.

Whatever the reasons are, each person is entitled to use online dating for whatever purpose they wish.

However, what do you do when you are meeting lots of people, have never made any intentions to commit yet, and an important day comes up?

For example, let’s say you are dating a couple of women casually and its Valentine’s Day.

Even though you may have never made any intentions to fully commit, women you are dating will expect you to be around on this day regardless of whether or not you are exclusive yet.  They may say they don’t care, but they will.

The only way to avoid these difficulties is to get out of town!  Disappear for a day and avoid the unnecessary drama.  This will keep you from avoiding any potential bad situations and is the only solution to this dilemma.

And remember, you’re not doing anything wrong unless you made your intent to commit clear!

Dear Gems from Jen,

I have gone out five times with this cute guy, who is a true gentleman and is looking for marriage (at least he wrote that in his profile). He is generous and smart, and keeps telling me he is comfortable being with me and that I am so pretty and smart and so on. He plans the dates based on my schedule and picks me up and usually has the entire evening planned. We also spent Valentine’s Day together and he brought me red roses, but he still logs on to his profile every night and it bothers me seeing him online. After how many dates should he stop checking out other girls online?

Thank you so much.

Dear Still Online,

My first question is; how do you know he is still online? Are you watching him or are you still looking at profiles, too? It can be very tempting to watch people online; however, it is usually not a productive activity and tends to lead to mistrust. My suggestion is to give this new relationship a bit more time.  Five dates is a great start, but a long-term, exclusive relationship it is not. See where things go. Take it slowly. Get to really know this person and let things progress naturally. Once the relationship becomes exclusive then the conversation regarding checking out other girls online will be appropriate. When two people commit to one another, looking at profiles is not an activity either one needs to be engaging in, but until that time he, just as you, can continue to look at profiles without feeling badly.

Signed,

Gems from Jen