“Oh, my friends actually maintain my profile.”

I got this response from a girl I was supposedly “messaging” at an event I went to during the High Holidays. She had apparently “Secretly Admired” me and we were talking about our High Holiday services and break-fast plans. She seemed nice, with a witty personality to boot, and was a sports fan, so I was definitely interested and took the initiative to message her first.

Saying, “Hey my name is Adam and we’ve been talking on 100hookup,” probably wasn’t the best opening line, especially in front of mutual friends of ours. Still, what kind of person lets their friends control their dating profile?

Now, understand I don’t include fake Craigslist or OkCupid profiles in this rant, because they are free sites, and it’s much easier to make a profile on a free site than a site like 100hookup where you really need to pay to get a real benefit from the site (which is a good thing). I bring this issue up now because it seems to be a recurring problem. “Oh, my mom signed me up for 100hookup” or “Yeah, my friends do it so they can see who else is on this site” are the usual excuses. You wouldn’t give your friends control of your bank account — so why let them handle your dating life?

I know some of you may read this and say, “I don’t care, my mom/friends can handle it, whatever,” but it boils down to more than that. And “fake it till you make it” is probably not the best way to attract a potential partner. Rather, it opens up more questions about your personal character. Listen, if you don’t want to date, than get off the site. Don’t hurt your online persona, and your dating reputation, by letting other people control your “actions.”

I abide by the principle of “say what you mean, mean what you say.” My friends can look, but not touch my profile. Why? Because they are A) not as creative as me and B) may say something totally opposite of what I want to say. If I message a girl with a dumb question or cheesy pick-up line, I’ll own up to it because I may end up seeing that girl at a later date (especially with how small Austin is).

Don’t be Donald Rumsfeld. Your dating profile should always be a known known. It might be an unknown known how people respond to you, but you should never be unknown as to what is known about the interactions that go on within it.

Do you.

“Why?”

While bartending last night, this was the question posed to me by a 25-year-old Libertarian congressional candidate, who spent a year of his life trying to promote himself and his message, only to garner less than 5% of the vote, as he sobbed over a whiskey and coke, unsure of his next steps. Why, even though the aspiring politician barely managed a blip on the congressional results, was he continuing to speak with constituents, and fervently articulating his unconventional ideas well into the night?

“How?”

My parents have gone through three kids, layoffs, disagreements, drama, and tragedy, yet have still managed to stay together for over 25 years. How, in a society where relationship distractions number ten times what they were when my parents were growing up, have my mother and father managed to sustain their relationship?

“What?”

This is the question many of you ask yourselves as you scan potential matches on 100hookup.  What am I looking for in a potential relationship/activity partner? What compelled me to sign up for an online dating site? What happens if every match is a failure?

“Will?”

How do you sustain your political erection, in light of severe election disappointment? How do you sustain your “erection of love” within your relationship, besides with the use of Viagra? How do you sustain your erectional (yes, I made up that word) drive after countless dating mishaps, which have you believing in your eternal residence in the land of singledom?

What keeps an unfunded entrepreneur creating 20 hours a day? What keeps a couple together for 60 years, after their kids are moved out and established? Why, even in the event of a string of bad dates, does someone continue to subscribe to an online dating site?

Desire.

It’s official. I’m hitting that age when everyone I know on Facebook is moving in with their significant other, getting engaged, married, procreating. It’s all right on time I suppose, considering I’ve finally hit the mid-20s checkpoint. I realize that I’m young and I’m meant to be in the mix of it all at this stage in my life. Still, I think I’m experiencing a minor case of FOMO. Don’t get me wrong. I am extremely happy to see these good things happen to my friends. But at the same time, it’s causing a total shift in how I look at dating and my future. Their life events are the real thing: the beginning of their future. The beginning of life beyond the 20s. Nothing quite that big is happening to me right now. In fact, it’s safe to say that the highlight of my week was when my TiVo recorded a couple of Gilmore Girls episodes because it thought I might like it…and I did.

I’m not yet at the point where I’m bitter. I’m a little too young and naive for that. The problem is that the more I look at what is going on in other people’s lives, the more I start judging my own. I fixate on what others have that I don’t. I try to justify why I’m still single and they are not. I look inward to see if I can make sense of everything, as if I can really change things that I know will naturally happen. I have little to zero control over it. It will all happen eventually… or at least that is what I keep telling myself. But until that day comes, I’m going to really try and not let it drive me nuts. Instead I will see that I get my butt out of my apartment and out into the full-speed world of NYC and live my own life instead of sitting on my laptop looking at the lives of others. That should solve everything, or at least just keep myself from standing too still. And if not, there is at least some comfort in knowing who I come home to each and every night. My new boyfriend TiVo, and maybe an episode or two of Gilmore Girls.

Everyone has a list, whether they consciously know it or not. There are about 13 items on my own list. “The List” comprises of your non-negotiable, must-have requirements and characteristics that you look for in the person you will hopefully one day marry. So whether or not you’ve actually sat down and written it out like I have, you most likely have a sense of what you’re looking for. And if you haven’t got a clue what I’m talking about, finish reading my own and don’t do anything else until you’ve come up with a few requirements of your own. I realize that everything I’m saying sounds like a self-help book assignment, but trust me, I would never subject you to something I wouldn’t do myself or tell my best friend to do. In fact, two of my best friends were present when I made my list on a scrap of paper at a dive bar in Hell’s Kitchen back in the fall of 2010. They even signed the bottom as a vow to never let me end up with a guy who even fell an inch short, a promise I will hold them to until the day I say “I do”.

All of the items on my original list are still there in one shape or another, although some have become a little clearer and more defined as I’ve made my way through the dating world. Instead of just loving his family, I want the guy I fall for to have a strong sense of family values. I once went on a date with a guy who didn’t even know what his own sister did for a living. I mean, really? It’s not like he’s a Duggar. He has one sister, which to me made him seem self-involved and hard to relate to. That’s why I’ve decided he needs to not only love his family, he has to really know them and have a strong sense of family values. That’s important to me, so important that it made it on my list. This is why I think you need to make one of your own. You can’t know what you’re looking for unless you have a clear vision. Here’s what has made my cut:

The man I will marry must…

1. Be a good guy. The kind of nice guy who doesn’t realize just how much of a mensch he is, but he is. His natural instinct is to do the right thing.
2. Be able to make me laugh in unexpected ways.
3. Keep up with my sarcasm, fast talking, and craziness. In other words, he can bust my own chops
4. Be silly. He can handle game night with my family and doesn’t mind corny fun.
5. Be hookup – OR – willing to raise a hookup family.
6. Be able to pull off a good suit. Seriously, there’s nothing like a man in a suit.
7. Not care that I’m a picky eater and that I’m not very nice until my first cup of coffee.
8. Be ridiculously smart. The kind of smart that watches Stewart, Colbert, and can calculate basic math for me (I’ll take any required writing if he will figure out 20% of our check).
9. Be crazy about his family…a healthy crazy. He must have a strong sense of family values and know where he came from.
10. Enjoy a healthy balance of normal guy activities and hobbies (music, sports, etc.). I need a real guys guy.
11. Have a solid group of friends. I want to know that he would understand how much I love my friends and they are important to me.
12. Be extremely ambitious and focused on his career. Goal oriented. Have a vision for what his potential is and the future.
13. Love me without holding back. He can’t be afraid to say it out loud, or want to take it back when he needs space. It’s all or nothing.

There’s that moment when you’re dating when you realize that if you hold on just a little bit longer, it might take off and become something more. Something significant. Something notable. Something to write home about. When this happens, you can’t help but feel inflated with excitement, passion, joy, and if you’re anything like me, a large amount of fear. That’s right. The girl who is the 100hookup blogger, the one who has been going on dates for the last three years, in and out of short relationships, only one of which wound up in a head over heels kind of love, and wants more than anything to  find Mr. Right, is afraid of relationships.

When I got into my last relationship early last winter, I remember falling asleep one night laying next to my ex as he stroked my hair until my eyes finally closed. He kissed me gently before turning over to fall asleep himself, and all I could think was that this was everything I had wished for… and I am scared out of my freaking mind. I knew that from that very moment, I could no longer pull back my feelings or keep my walls up. It was all hanging out. Every piece of who I am was revealed and extremely vulnerable. And if that’s not scary, I honestly don’t know what is. Okay, horror movies are scary. I can’t even watch scary movie trailers without covering my eyes, but that’s a totally different story. But I’ve realized that this fear is the most difficult thing to overcome. You can be a serial dater, or in my case a serial first dater, if you’re always dressed in your suit of armor. No one can hurt you, disrupt your daily routine, or embed themselves in your life when they’re standing at arm’s length.

That’s what happens when you date the way I have, recently had your heart broken, or don’t have much experience in dating at all. You learn to keep your distance as a defense mechanism. You might go to the dance, but that doesn’t mean you will actually dance. It means you’re thinking about dancing. Then when the moment finally comes when someone offers to take your hand and lead you to the dance floor, you have two options. You can say, “It was nice of you to ask, but no thank you.” Or you can let it all go and shut up and dance.

I’ve never understood people with pets. I love dogs. I’ve always had a dog. Not the same dog. Well I mean the same dog for a while. Until the dog got old, or got hit by a car, or got old and got hit by a car. No matter how many times I told that damn dog to look both ways, he almost never did because, as I would later learn, cognitive development is much different in a dog than in a person. When I was young I tried to teach my dog to understand simple phrases like, ‘Please stop pooping on my face’, to which the dog replied by walking into my room and defecating on my face. I later learned that not only did my dog understand none of what I was telling him, but I was actually encouraging this behavior by feeding her and then immediately laying on my back on the floor of my room.

Dogs are stupid, and when I say I don’t understand people with pets, I mean that I don’t understand people who dictate their lives by the whims and misconceived emotional nuances of pets. I’m all for letting my dog outside to use the bathroom. I’ll even feed my dog once every week or so to reward her for good behavior. Anything beyond that is ridiculous and pointless. Dogs can’t understand anything you will or have ever said to them outside of a few key words like ‘eat’, ‘walk’, and if they’re smart, which they’re not, because they’re dogs, ‘don’t poop on my face’. Anything else you have or ever will say to a dog will go over their tiny stupid dog heads. Don’t ask them questions. This is especially true if you are in the company of other people. The dog will not respond to you, and you will look stupid, because you just asked a dog a verbal question, and the dog just stared at you and shat on your carpet. Don’t pretend you know how a dog is feeling if that feeling is anything other than hungry, horny, or sleepy. This is what human interaction is for.

Cat people are even worse. I’m not saying I won’t date a cat person. I’ll date anybody. I think I need to clarify that by ‘cat people’ I mean people that really like cats and not people that are victims of genetic experiments that successfully breed felines and women. I just don’t understand them. If you’re looking for companionship, a cat is the last place you should look. I have a clock on my desk at home, and my relationship with that clock is so much more intimate, meaningful, and beautiful than anybody’s relationship with a cat will ever be. Cats are antisocial and usually unresponsive. It would seem like if you are depressed, and you decided to adopt a cat, you would be dead within two weeks. If cats were people, they wouldn’t be, because even the worst people in the world turn their heads and look at you when you say their name.

I realize that by writing this post, I’ve officially closed the lid on my chances for any remaining women to like me. I’m a really good person. I’m just out of topics, and when trying to think of something to write about, I turned around, and my cat was glaring at me, and I knew this must be written.

I believe there’s one cardinal rule when it comes to dating: Whatever you think she’s thinking, she’s thinking something else.

It’s why you wonder why they’re mad. It’s why you wonder why they sent you a Dear John email after you thought they had a great time. I had an inkling it was coming when My AOL mailman cheerily announced: “You got dumped!” Yeah, I’m still on AOL. At this rate, I’ll be getting my first smart phone when a phone is actually smart enough to tell me why Anderson Cooper has nine jobs.

Relationships may be about sharing, but wavelengths are about not sharing. I tried to share her wavelength. Turns out I had the wrong wavelength. It was my wavelength. If she’d tried to share my wavelength, maybe she would’ve understood what I’m talking about here.

She doesn’t even need to share my wavelength. What good’s it doing me? She can have it all to herself.

If you want to get girls to like you, you can’t just be likable. You have to practice. You can’t just practice in the mirror because the mirror will love you, but the world won’t.

Start with places where you buy food. See what works and what doesn’t. Try your cute mannerisms on the woman (or man) behind the counter. If you’ve got new material, this is the place to try it. If you’re wearing jeans, casually put your left hand in your pocket. See if that garners any attention. If it doesn’t, try the right hand. Ask her how her day is going. If she answers unfavorably, it’s either because your question isn’t working or because she just hates her job. If it’s the former, try to revise your question the next day. Go for minimalism. Just say, ‘hi’.

For the lady working behind the counter at dinner, take another approach. Be the over-confident guy. Hold up the line while you continuously talk to her, whilst never taking your eyes off hers. When the guy behind you tells you to move, defend your honor! Show her that you’re not a pushover. Ask her out in front of all of the angry people behind you. Sure they will roll their eyes, and may spit on you, but it will be spits of respect.

Do this so much that it becomes second nature whenever you’re in public. I don’t see any potential drawbacks to this at all. Don’t necessarily hit on every girl you see. Just work out all of your quirks and pay attention to what works. The absolute worst that can happen is that you will alienate everybody in your life and will die alone.

However, do not practice your flirting at work. This is dangerous, and really is the best literal manifestation of a lose-lose situation. When you get rejected, you lose a date. When you get rejected at work, you lose a date and a job.

I’m always nostalgic around college graduation time. Looking back, it’s truly amazing (not to be confused with the plain old “amazing” that’s applied to everything else) how my Bachelor’s Degree unexpectedly prepared me for the real world… the one in which I’ve so far, at least, remained a bachelor.

I still remember my courses… Intro to Lack of Commitment… Advanced Lack of Commitment…The first one was so effective, it took me awhile to commit to the second one.

Intro to Becoming Engaged in your Career. Intro to Staying Married to your Career. Intro to Ms. Right, On Second Thought, Maybe Not.

But I still hold out hope of one day settling down with my better half. I learned that being the sole master of your universe isn’t healthy… from my Masters Degree.

When a guy courts a woman on his best behavior, he’s running for office.

After she agrees to start seeing him, he’s secured the nomination.

After he suggests sitting home and watching a movie in lieu of going out, he’s begun easing off of his earlier campaign rhetoric. (He’s also moved to the center… of the couch.)

As for moving in together, that’s when he’s elected.

Finally, in order to get things accomplished, he compromises.

I’m Andy Cowan, and I approve this message.