Dear Tamar,

I have been on 100hookup for a few weeks now and I have not gotten any emails or IM’s. What is wrong with me, my pics or my profile?

Dear What’s My Problem?

It could be both! If you doubt your pics and profile, then it sounds like you need to revisit both. Employ a trusted friend or family member to critique your photos and profile. This person should have your best interests at heart and you need to be open to what they suggest. The pictures you may think are good may not be as flattering of you may think. Remember that others see you as up to 20% better looking than you see yourself, so if your confidant wants you to use other pictures you should listen. Then, let your confidant edit your About Me profile to his or her heart’s desire because the written word is only as good as the person reading it. Once you’re done, you will get the super-cool “New” icon and will be at the top of searches, enabling you to catch someone’s eye who may have overlooked you before. And remember to Click!® and Hot List people you like so they know you’re interested and will feel secure sending you an email. Good luck!

Although I am now a 100hookup pro, I have to admit one thing – a couple months ago I wasn’t completely sold on the idea of becoming a member of the 100hookup community. Before I joined I had many friends who had enjoyed the experience and encouraged me to create a profile. During their pitches they would inevitably recount past dating successes and failures to illustrate the wide-range of people and personalities you can meet online compared to a crowded bar on a Saturday night. After hearing so many of their stories I began to see a pattern emerge in how each of them referred to the people they met and went out on dates with; it was never Jenny or Tanya or Michelle… they all used nicknames.

When I asked my sister, an experienced 100hookupr®, about this phenomenon she informed me that the only way to keep all her dates straight was to take a characteristic or personality trait that was unique to them and give them a nickname based on that trait. So, for instance, the guy who studied biology would become “Bioboy,” the guy who went to Harvard would be “Harvard Boy,” and so on. Unless of course you had the mind of an elephant, she said, there was no way she could avoid confusing all of her dates.
 
When I eventually joined, I came out of the gates a little shaky but quickly gained momentum as I built up a rapport with “Med-School Girl,” “The Artistic Chick” and “Unemployed Nanny” before going out on a date with “Tap Dancing Woman” and then dating “The Runner” for a couple of months; and I’ve got to say that coming up with nicknames helped me develop a keener eye for noticing those little special quirks about the people I was getting to know.

My sister and I used to laugh about all of her dates, and the funny nicknames she gave them, but the truth is that she had the opportunity to meet so many different people on 100hookup that she otherwise would have never met. Ultimately, it is the members of 100hookup and their individuality that gave she, and I, that exciting opportunity. So, if you look beyond the funny names, and get to know the people behind them, you may meet someone on 100hookup who you can truly be happy with.

Dear Tamar,

About 7 months ago my husband admitted to me that that “he didn’t think he wanted to be married to me for the next 20 or 30 years.” We’ve been married 18 years with 3 beautiful teenagers who were the focus of our marriage. He moved out 6 weeks ago and we’re at the beginning stages of a divorce.

So I’ve been betrayed, and rejected, and now my family needs to find a new normal. I want to date now even though people say it’s too early, but I’m lonely and want to do things with someone. So I signed up for 100hookup but I don’t know how to proceed. All I know is I don’t plan on or want to talk about my divorce while on a date.  Any advice?

Dear Divorced & Dejected,

Whew! You have had a heckuva ride these past few months. It sounds like you have a lot of healing to do but I can understand your need to be with someone… you haven’t been alone in 18 years! On one hand I think some real alone time will do you some good and on the other hand I think some real fun rebound dates where you’re made to feel wanted and gorgeous is good for the soul as well.

My advice to you regarding 100hookup is this: select divorced in the “current relationship status” box and under “what type of relationship are you looking for?” you should check “an activity partner,” “a date” and “a friend.” At this point you don’t need to go anywhere near the relationship or marriage categories. And in your “About Me” paragraph simply put that you are looking for fun, distraction and nothing serious as your marriage recently ended and leave it at that. You say you don’t want to talk about it with a date, so don’t.  And once you go on dates, and they ask about your marriage (because they will), simply tell your date that at this point you don’t want to talk about the past or anything negative, and that you just want to get to know him and have fun. Most of the guys you will be going out with are also going to be divorced and probably don’t want to think about their ex-wives either!

Give it some time but in the meantime, allow yourself to discover the new, independent you! Good luck!

Dear Tamar,

In the past I feel like I always took 100hookup too seriously.  I now have a more laidback approach and find it to be a lot more fun and challenging. I have had a lot of pursuers, but I haven’t found anyone that I am interested in. When I thought I found the “man of my dreams,” he didn’t respond to any of my e-mails! He sent me a Mother’s Day eCard but hasn’t responded to my subsequent emails. On occasion he will view my profile, but no message. What’s up with that? I don’t get it! Why are they there if they show interest and don’t respond? Please explain.

Dear Flattered and Frustrated,

I remember that high you get when you check “who’s viewed me” and see the hot guy you’ve been keeping tabs on. And I remember how quickly that high dissipates when you realize all he’s done once again is view you and not contact you. And then my paid membership ran out and before I renewed I realized the constraints that a free membership places on 100hookuprs®. It sounds like this guy could have a free membership, which means he can’t write emails or read the emails in his inbox and he can’t send instant messages although he can receive and respond to them. He can, though, send eCards, Flirts, Hot List and view you to his heart’s desire. That means if he’s interested in you, he will keep viewing your profile until you contact him in a way that he can respond to. In other words, you’re going to have to cyber stalk him until you are both signed on at the same time so you can send him an IM. And what that means is that you have to put your pride on the line one more time. If the IM doesn’t get you anywhere, then it’s time to cut your losses and move on, because he is obviously not the man you thought he was. Good luck!

Dear Tamar,

I met a man in February and we clicked immediately. He actively pursued me, but we were not officially exclusive, although neither of us were dating anyone else. I noticed that on his profile he stated that he wanted children (he’s 50 years old). I already have kids and don’t want any more so I told him I’m the wrong person to be with if he still wants kids. His response? He doesn’t want to give up on the chance. So I told him that if he wants to meet a woman who would bear him children that is fine, but that we can’t see each other anymore. It was a month before we saw each other again and we’re now both confused. He says he’s been dumb because he really likes me but still feels he might want kids. By the way, this man is very successful, he’s never been married and his longest relationship was a year. I think I should walk away, but I also think we have something special. He agrees, but he still might want kids! What should I do?

Dear Children Choice,

Wow, this is a toughie at first glance, but I think I can simplify it for you. You have children, you don’t want to have any more children, you need to find someone who also doesn’t want any more children. He doesn’t have children, he may want children, so he needs to find someone who may also want children. It’s actually a black and white situation. If he’s not comfortable and willing to give up on the idea of children, then you need to give up on the idea of him and move on. In his 100hookup profile, you admit he checked “Yes” regarding “Do You Plan On Having Children?”  so you can’t say you weren’t forewarned.  You may have chemistry and great conversation, but this is a huge life decision he needs to make on his own. You wouldn’t want to marry this man just to have him approach you in five years and tell you that he has this empty space in his heart that only a biological child can fill. Better to find out now. Also, his relationship history concerns me. I’m sure he has worked really hard to become successful, but to be 50 years old and to not have had a relationship last longer than a year is suspect. You saw the signals, I’m hanging the red flags from them and telling you what you already knew but needed to hear from someone else — forget about this guy and find someone who’s a better fit for you. Just make sure they check “No” in the children column. Good Luck!

Dear Tamar,

I had a fairytale marriage — I got married the day after high school and had the absolute dream husband. Sadly, he passed away in 2006 after 23 years together.  I can’t or won’t ever forget him but I don’t think men will want to discuss him. He is obviously a part of my life that I will always cherish (an added bonus is that my 19 year old son looks exactly like him). How do I approach this delicate situation?

Dear Sadness to Second Chance,

First, I am so sorry about your loss. It sounds like you had an amazing marriage that most of us can only dream of and no one will ever fill your husband’s shoes. That said, you are right — men you date probably won’t want to talk about him, at least not right away. I think you need to be honest and mark your 100hookup profile as “widowed.” When asked, tell men you plan to date that you’ll be happy to share your story at a later time once things progress. Let them know that you are in a good place now and ready to date and meet someone to share the rest of your life with (or share quality time with, depending on what it is you are looking for), so that men won’t have to worry about your emotional state. Everyone out there has some sort of “baggage,” especially, and I don’t mean any offense here, the older you are.

I remember when I was on 100hookup and meeting someone for the first time… it was so daunting! Would he look like his photos? Would we recognize each other? Would it be one of those awkward introductions where someone sticks out a hand to shake while the other goes in for a hug? I have a few solutions for these very problems!

Check out your 100hookup’s profile one last time before the date. Look at all the pictures offered since you never know which one he or she is actually going to look like. Then, as you’re pulling up to the restaurant, coffee shop or bar (I’ll get to that later) call your date and ask him or her to meet you outside. That way you don’t have to scan the back of people’s heads at the bar trying to figure out which is your date without looking like a deranged stalker. Once you see each other — and trust me, you will recognize each other when no one else is around! — you should both go in for a friendly hug. Afterall, you know enough about each other at this point that its more like a 2nd date, right?

Next:  Making Small Talk

Dear Tamar,

Having read a number of “about me” essays on here, I noticed many are extremely short and non-specific.  Because the other pages are essentially check boxes that are answered similarly by many, I view this essay as one of the most critical ways to get to know that person. In light of this, I made my essay somewhat lengthy and fairly specific. How should I go about describing myself?  Any do’s or don’ts?

Dear Enough About Me… What Do You Think About Me?,

Great question! I agree that most people should write more about themselves because no one really looks too closely at the check boxes unless they’re looking for something specific. BUT, your About Me essay shouldn’t be too long or too specific. Remember, you want to get their attention and stand out from the crowd, but keep some information to yourself so you have some fresh material for your first dates.

Here are my tips:

1) This is not a job interview so make sure your tone is relaxed and casual, fun and flirty.
2) Sell yourself but don’t be generic. Instead of saying “I’m funny” say “I’ll have you laughing so hard you’ll  pee your pants” or “I guarantee you’ll laugh everyday.”
3) Try not to use or overuse cliches. “I like long walks on the beach” is so unoriginal!
4) Spell check and grammar check even if you have to type your essay in Word and then copy & paste it.

Most of all make sure the first few words are good ones because they’ll show up on searches. I’ve seen some profiles that turned me off just by four words even when I thought the person in the picture was attractive! Good luck!

Dear Gems from Jen-

I occasionally email someone who seems to have a lot in common with me, but never get a response. Can you tell me what’s necessary to say in a first email message to optimize a response?
I’m an attractive, intelligent woman and I just don’t get it.

Thanks,

Email Messages

Dear Email Messages,
I’m not sure if there are hard and fast rules as to what to say in a first message, but there are some guidelines that may increase your chances of getting a response. State what it is you have in common with the person by reading their profile. Don’t respond based solely on the picture.  Looks can be deceiving. Make certain your subject line is catchy and tells the person that you did take the time to read what it is they are all about. For instance, if the person you are wanting a response from likes baseball have your email subject relate to baseball. Let them know what caught your eye and ask for some elaboration. Be sure to ask questions about the person you are interested in getting to know better. It is very difficult to respond to an email that does not leave room for a response or responses. Lastly, check your spelling and grammar.

Signed,

Gems from Jen

Dear Gems from Jen,
Over the past few months, I have seen a number of young ladies on 100hookup whose profiles caught my interest. I have been using the Flirt feature to initiate correspondence, but looking at my sent messages box, approximately 95% of all Flirts are never actually opened. Am I missing something here?
Granted a response, whether positive or otherwise, would be only courteous, but to not even open the Flirts or even look at my profile seems a little overly harsh.
Or are single Flirts just pestering, and counter-productive?
 Thanks
N

Dear N,
I understand your frustration. You and I are on the same page. A response would be the courteous thing to do.  Unfortunately, not everyone is as courteous as we would like for them to be.
 I don’t know if I would say the use of Flirts is pestering or counter-productive, but they haven’t gotten you the responses you would like. You can look at this one of two ways.  First, if a woman does not respond to your Flirt you can go ahead and count her out. You don’t want to date someone who doesn’t utilize common courtesy. Or, you could choose to look at the situation this way; many women on 100hookup are being sent Flirts daily from many different people.  My experience tells me that a well thought out email is probably the best way to go if you want to catch someone’s attention. Most of the women I know would much prefer an email over a Flirt. For me personally, I want to know you took the time to read my profile and you are not interested in getting to know me better just based on my profile pictures.

I hope this helps.

Signed,
Gems from Jen