This happens to be my last post on JBlog. I have loved sharing the best of my dating stories, even the ones that make me cringe and want to move far, far away from NYC. But I’ve decided to take a break from online dating for the moment. And since my 100hookup subscription ends on October 15th, I have determined I have two solid options for how to use my last two weeks here. I could spend my time looking at profiles of guys I have previously seen, talked to, or maybe even dated. (Dude, do you seriously not remember the look I gave you when you ordered your second virgin Shirley Temple of the night?) Or I could offer up a date with myself and see who rises to the opportunity. Truthfully, the latter sounded like the more fun option…but don’t worry, I won’t blog about it (yet).

So if after reading the last 3 months of my dating stories, you have yet to find yourself running for the hills, battening down the hatches, or wondering what kind of guy would ever want to keep me around – this is your chance to ask me out. I should lay out some ground rules so I don’t find myself instantly regretting this offer. You must be: male, age 25-30(ish) and living in NYC. You must be kind, fun, silly, smart, and know better than to order a Shirley Temple without knowing that I will immediately text my friends about it. If that all of the above sounds like you, feel free to email me at [email protected] and tell me why you think we should go out.

To all of you on 100hookup, I wish you only the best of luck in your dating endeavors. May you always find humor in your dates, the good, the bad, and the hilarious. And whatever you do, don’t let the schmucks get you down.

xx

Online dating is a lot like being set-up for an arranged marriage. 100hookup® is especially like an arranged marriage. This isn’t bad. This is actually really great. Choice has gotten to you where you are so far. Alone, sad, desperate, and tired. Freedom is a great thing, unless one is left to his own devices. It has to be a collective process, where people work together. Alone, it can be very destructive. For example, if people spend their lives by themselves solely on the internet, they’re probably not going to get very far. They have to use the internet as a tool that acts as an extension to their already busy lives. 100hookup®  is a great tool, but it can’t be your only tool. If you sit around thinking online dating alone will find true love for you, it won’t. Believe me. I’m three years into doing exactly that.

And now, here is how this is a lot like an arranged marriage. First, there aren’t going to be a lot of matches in your area because, well, there aren’t a whole lot of hookup people. So already, your options are limited. Granted, in a real arranged marriage, your options are really limited. They are so limited, in fact, that it’s more of an ‘option’, which by definition isn’t an option at all. I think 100hookup® acts as a good medium between having only one option, and having so many to sift through that you don’t know where to start. There are always exactly seven women in your area, and that is a perfect number. If you exhaust all seven options, all you have to do is move across the country.

Next, much like an arranged marriage, a lot of people are on here because of their parents. Either their parents themselves set up their profiles, or they convinced their children, out of guilt, to sign up. Parents are just expediting your life for you. You already have a job, probably have decent hygiene, and are a good Samaritan. All you need is a wife. Now, along with your mother, you are working on it.

I think cultures that practice arranged marriages have it right. This is based on absolutely no facts at all, but these cultures have a much lower divorce rate than we do. If you are forced to love somebody, you eventually will. That’s just science.

Nothing about online dating matters once you meet a person in real life. You could have the best-looking pictures, and the funniest profile. You could be the best online-conversationalist, but if you don’t know how to interact with people in real life, it doesn’t matter. You know who else is good at chatting online? Child predators.

My new theory based on absolutely no research, facts or observation, states that the worse the person’s online persona, the better they are in real life. Good people don’t spend too much time cultivating their profile. They spend time out in the world while their mother who is desperate for her son to marry because he’s 35 and still single, sets up his profile for him. He doesn’t care. He’s too cool to worry about his most flattering photos, and his profile that is just self-deprecating enough to seem cute, but just confident enough to seem secure.

Back in the 50’s, when 100hookup® consisted of a man at a typewriter staring out of his window with a telescope, life was so much easier. You would just walk up to a stranger’s home in the middle of the night to look for a quality guy. Now, you have to sift through hundreds of profiles to find that right balance between creepy and desperate. Chivalry is dead.

Go out there. Purposefully find the ugliest, stupidest profiles. Go for that shirtless guy taking a picture in his bathroom with an iPhone. Go for the dude who, under, ‘I’m looking for…’, wrote simply, ‘no fatties’. Once you do meet this man in the real world, you will marry him, or file a restraining order within the first 5 minutes. Either way, crazy story.

A recent Newsweek® article cites a Cornell University and University of Wisconsin study that people who lie less on their dating profiles tend to more often refer to themselves as “I”. The relatively honest cyber daters also used more direct adjectives like “exciting,” versus “not boring.”

Their most frequent fib? Weight. Women shed an average of 8.5 bogus pounds. Men, an average of 1.5.

So as a forthright 100hookupr®, let me assure the women out there that I am not only not boring, but I am also not overweight. Wait, “not boring” and “not overweight” are indirect adjectives. I am scintillating. I am lean and mean. Not mean, as in ornery, mind you. Wait, I forgot the “I” there. I am not mean, as in ornery! Unless you like them ornery.

If I can’t pander to you during a political year, when can I pander to you?

Oy vey, from gentiles to hookup mothers, we all see JDating a bit differently! While we know most of these images are meshugenah, here’s a funny look at how those around us may see the world of JDating! Share it and have a good laugh!

There will probably come a point, during your online 100hookup dating adventure, when you grow somewhat tired. It’s past 2 am. You’ve been at your computer for eight hours straight. You’ve been chatting with girls, reading the hilarious and sometimes touching JBlog, and doing other ancillary 100hookup-related activities like reading JMag or playing the JGames or using the JCalculator.

The television has been on for hours, but you hadn’t realized that it’s still on until you finally notice that the conversation you’ve been having via instant message with a nice, hookup girl in Milwaukee is a word-for-word replica of the Insanity Workout informercial that’s been playing since Comedy Central stopped its nighttime programming at midnight. “So you’re saying that all I have to do is run in place uphill as fast as I can for five hours a day, and I will lose five pounds in just one year?” I ask her. “Who are you?” she replies.

Okay so the point that I’m trying to make here is that it’s late and you’re tired. Though chatting online with nice women is fun, sometimes you need to go out. Since it’s the middle of the night, ‘going out’ could simply mean using the restroom or getting more soda. Really, though, I think that women can sense the fact that you’ve been on the computer for a third of a day, and that you do this on a regular basis. Women are born with an innate sense of, well, sense. That’s why, though 100hookup is great, you should go out sometimes. Or buy a book about dating. Or both.

They say 1 in 5 relationships start online, but I think it’s more when it comes to the hookup community. I know way too many couples who met on 100hookup® to believe that it’s only 20%. It’s gotta be way more at this point, when you start counting from Generation X and onward (ie. the ones who are both technologically savvy and who were also the ones single when 100hookup began). I have more than a few cousins and know more friends than I count who met on 100hookup. If I actually did the math, I’m almost positive it would be more than 20%. But still, I like the publicity of the general statistic because it normalizes online dating. Guess what? Online dating IS normal! If you’re hookup, single and not on 100hookup, then what are you waiting for?

What happens when you schedule a date with a girl via 100hookup and you see her in a social setting before the scheduled date? You only know what she looks like from her profile pictures. You had big plans to devote a lot of time and energy to prepare yourself before you allow her to see you. You were going to set aside five hours to doing nothing but showering and layering on deodorant, Axe® body spray, and more deodorant.

Now, you’re thrust into a situation you did not see coming. All you have to do is make sure she doesn’t see you and get out as quickly as you can. Of course, she looks in your direction at the exact moment you are awkwardly staring at her to make sure she isn’t about to turn around. Damn.

First, you smile back casually and hope she doesn’t recognize you. Second, you can tell she recognizes you because she smiles and waves and strangers don’t do that in real life unless you’re in Utah. You now have to acknowledge her and somehow convince her that you look this crappy all the time. You don’t want to get close, to her, though, because you just ran a mile in order to ironically look better before you met her. What do you do?

I’ll tell you what I did last week. I pretended that I had a sudden, intense pain in my stomach, walked quickly to the bathroom, and stayed there for at least half an hour.

My main contact with the outside world? Spam. And it’s weirdly personal too. How do they know so much about me? ANDY… WANT TO ENLARGE YOUR EGO? I got that the other day.

ANDY… FIND YOUR MUCH, MUCH BETTER HALF! … Is it just me, or was that a slam?

ANDY, SOMEONE WANTS TO DATE YOU! What’s with the exclamation point? I guess even they can’t believe someone wants to date me.

So I figured, what the heck. It wasn’t 100hookup, but if they’re excited about somebody wanting to date me, I can at least show a little excitement too. I hit the URL they’d sent me, and it took me to a site that asked… LOOKING FOR LOVE? 3.5 MILLION SINGLES AWAIT YOU ARRIVAL AT DREAMMATES.COM! “You” arrival. 3.5 million and not one of ‘em can spell “your.”

Now, they’re telling me 3.5 million singles await my arrival. Right away, you figure half of those 3.5 million awaiting my arrival are the wrong sex. That would be men, by the way! So they’re telling me 1 & ¾ million guys are awaiting my arrival? How great can the women be if hundreds of thousands of guys are awaiting my arrival? 100hookup – I’ll never look at another dating site again.

Most people who know me often ask, “What is it you love so much about online dating?”  If you are so knowledgeable about the female mind and how to pick up women, why not just do it in person?

Well, here are my answers.  The following are reasons why I will always prefer online dating to any other form of meeting women:

1.  I’m lazy.

2.  What’s better than being able to pick up women while sitting in your pajamas scratching your stomach?

3. I can meet women any time of day or night.

4.  I get to shop for the perfect woman.

5.  Did I mention I’m lazy?

6.  There is less pressure.

7.  I’m sorry, did I mention I was lazy?

There you have it. 7 reasons I love online dating.  Okay technically five. But five good reasons!