If you have ever watched any of the The Bachelor franchise’s shows then odds are you’ve seen or heard of a participant (contestant?) named Chris Bukowski who has been on a record-setting FIVE different seasons. Finally, he has learned his lesson and is exiting Bachelor Nation, but his journey reminds me of those singles who are TOO visible in the dating world.

Who am I talking about? You know them. It’s the singles who have been on 100hookup for years and years without a break and without even updating their profile or photos, and are also on other dating sites and apps, and go to every mixer in the community, and ask out or accept dates without any consideration, and are simply just too available that it comes off as desperate — learn from Chris B. and step away!

What should you do if you think this applies to you? Skip some events — don’t worry, your Beshert isn’t going to magically appear at that one event you miss! — hide your online dating profiles, and forget about dating for a while as you concentrate on other things in your life. There’s that obnoxious saying: when you’re not thinking about it (dating) as much, chances are that is when it will finally happen (meeting someone of substance) — but it’s true. Try it. What do you have to lose?

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Dear Tamar,

I’ve been attempting to get in contact with this girl whom I’d like to get to know. But I’m not getting anywhere.

She originally viewed my profile and after looking at hers I decided to send her a message. I didn’t get a response but she did look at my profile again, good news I guess. I then waited a few days to see if she would reply to my message and still nothing.

I then sent a follow up message and again no response but she viewed my profile again. I’m not 100% sure what this means but I think that she’s interested but somewhat unsure about responding.

Do you have any advice? She seems like someone who I can develop a relationship with.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Viewing Game,

First, look to see if your email to her was “read” or not. If it was read by her and she hasn’t yet responded but she’s still viewing your profile then perhaps write her again and jokingly let her know that you know she’s unsure about whether to respond and that you’ll make it worth her effort, or that she won’t be disappointed, or something else fun and light-hearted.

If your message isn’t showing as “read” then unfortunately it sounds like she may not have a paid 100hookup account. Obviously being able to contact prospective 100hookuprs is the biggest reason to get a paid account and sometimes people wait until they have someone who’ve they’ve played this viewing game with before finally joining. Try sending her a flirt since she can see that without being a subscriber. She won’t be able to respond but it might be the catalyst to finally getting her to subscribe.

The final option is to try and catch her online so that you can instant message her. Again, you have to be a subscriber to begin the IM session but she doesn’t have to be a subscriber to answer. Now, go get her!

Need more tips on hookup dating? How to Woo a Jew has your answers! Buy the book and follow on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook!

100hookup has a lot of multiple choice, fill in the blank, and essay questions asking you what you want, but what about what you DON’T want? I’m sure we can all make a list a mile long of things we would prefer a partner not to have, but try to whittle that list down to just a couple of things.

These are not your preferences, but rather the “I know for a fact that I can’t live with someone who…” (smokes, is not pro-choice, owns a gun, doesn’t read books, dresses up to reenact the Civil War, doesn’t want kids, whatever it is). It’s okay to be upfront and straightforward about specific traits that you have an aversion to. That said, you need to be open in other areas if you’re going to state one or two things that is an absolute dealbreaker.

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It’s not just a Bobby McFerrin song, it’s a lifestyle. Being happy is a decision you make about how you want to live and you get to make this decision each and every day. Being happy is attractive and will attract other happy people — and that includes singles attracting prospects.

Being happy in your life right now, being happy being alone and being single (not the same thing), is attractive. People who let their current situation get the best of them can come across as pessimistic, bitter, and negative on a date which is obviously a huge turn-off. People like this seem to depend on finding on a mate in order to make them happy, but your happiness should not be dependent upon someone else. It sounds logical reading it, but for some reason people don’t always identify as one these people or understand how to change it.

You want to be someone who has made the best of their situation by enjoying their life as-is. You’re single? So what! Find joy in all of the amazing things you have going on in your life, not what you’re missing. That said, make sure you do leave room for that special someone!

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Dear Tamar,

So I follow your advice and I am poly-dating! Last week I went on a second date with a guy I met on 100hookup and it went great! Then over the weekend I went on a second date with another guy from 100hookup and WHOOPS… we ran smack into my other date (who was not a date).

I tried really hard not to make it awkward, and even introduced the two before excusing myself and that night’s date politely. It was easy enough to tell the guy who I was on a date with that it was just a friend we ran into, but the other guy knew better and I haven’t spoken to him yet. Obviously after just two dates I’m not in an exclusive relationship with either guy, but I also don’t have stronger feelings for one over the other because I barely know either. Now what do I do?

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear 100hookup Poly-dater,

You said it yourself — it’s just the second date with each guy and you don’t owe either of them anything. That said, it would be best to address what happened and be straight forward with the first guy. Call him and just say, “Hey, that was kinda awkward!” Then ask him if it bothers him and see what he says.

He may understand that it’s early on, and not a big deal, and he may also be poly-dating himself. Or he may want to know if there are feelings on either side and how long you plan on seeing other people. Obviously you don’t need to divulge too much, but you can simply explain that you are looking for things to get serious with one person and that you don’t want to rush it.

He may not want to date you anymore. If so, it’s not personal. Even people who are okay with the idea of poly-dating can’t handle when it’s staring them in the face.

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John and Julie Gottman are considered the foremost experts in couples therapy and being able to predict if a relationship will last, or not. Rather than discuss the signs of what they call a “disaster” I want to relay what they found to be a predominant precursor to what they term a “master” — a successful relationship.

In the simplest terms, the Gottmans said that couples who respond to each other’s “bids” for connection. Basically, being interested in what the other person is saying. The Gottman’s research showed that 87% of successful couples responded correctly to their partner’s bids. This begins with being a good listener and extends to selflessness. If you are busy scrolling through Facebook when your significant other asks you a question, do you put down your phone/tablet/laptop and turn toward your partner to engage, or do you not even flinch and answer half-heartedly?

Hint: the former is good, the latter is not. What do you do?

If you’re interested in learning more about the Gottmans, start with this article.

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Dear Tamar,

I am back on 100hookup after about a year off and already met a great guy! He and I exchanged a few emails, and now a few texts. He sent the last one last night. So what next? What do I do?

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear What Next?

Do nothing. If he wants to go on a date with you, he will call you and ask you out. I am not a fan of texting, aside from exchanging pleasantries, before you’re in a bonafide relationship. We’ve all heard the phrase “he’s just not that into you,” and here’s where it rings true: If a guy is into you, he will call and ask you out, otherwise he’s just not that into you.

UPDATE
Since initially writing this, the guy did, in fact, call and ask our lovely emailer out!  They went on an awesome first date and they already have their second date planned!

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One of the weirdest things about dating is that we often date — and even stay in a relationship with — someone whom we can’t even imagine marrying or spending the rest of our lives with. We fight to make these relationships work and are upset when the other half of the equation sees the writing on the wall first.

Some of this is pride. We want to make it work with someone just so that we aren’t alone. Or to make it work with someone who is good on paper, or someone we think (or others think) we should be with. And we fight to make these relationships work because we don’t want to go through another breakup. And we are sad if the other person ends it first because it’s a bruise to our ego.

So here’s my straightforward, no bullshit advice: YOU KNOW this is not someone you want to or could spend the rest of your life with, so why bother spending one more day on this person when you could be spending that time finding someone better-suited? If you are looking conscientiously, then you know who you are and what you want in a mate and who you want to be in a relationship, so don’t settle or waste any more time once you figure out that person isn’t it.

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Vanity Fair’s article about how dating apps have changed — and possibly eradicated — dating was filled with shock value. People who use Tinder and other similar apps (think: swipe right) know that it can be used just for hooking up, but there are also plenty of couples who met via those apps. You wouldn’t know that by the article as it was all about how many hook-ups occurred, how often, how quickly, and how easily.

That was probably the worst part… a consistent theme throughout the article had to do with the ease of the hook-ups, and how it was more often than not the men that dictated the extent of the hook-up: one-time, a continuing thing, or a relationship. And the women have to go along with this hoping that maybe they can change a guy’s mind and make him want more than a hook-up. But, the catch-22 is that most of these men don’t want a relationship with the type of girl who will hook-up after few (if any) interactions, after being matched on one of these apps.

So here’s the deal: if you just want to have fun, then go ahead with the apps. But if you’re looking for a relationship, then you need to stick to a site like 100hookup where people take more time and effort to create profiles and select prospects. Do you want to be somebody’s priority or somebody’s option?

The swipe right apps have so many participants that it can give you a false sense of how many eligible prospects actually meet even a minimum of your criteria, which leads to a false sense of thinking you can do better than the awesome person in front of you. These dating apps are addictive because they are quick and easy, and there are seemingly always new singles to swipe. Don’t get caught up and have unrealistic expectations of who you can meet on an app where the goal is just hooking up.

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Last night I was at a bar with my sister and brother-in-law and I had forgotten to put my ring and other jewelry on after a day at the beach. So there I was, a third wheel, being hit on! Obviously it was good for the ego, but it was also good for the blog.

My first observation was how many more men were likely hitting on me because I wasn’t putting off an “available” vibe and wasn’t at the bar to meet men. So go out and have fun with your friends, and don’t worry about who’s around and who’s available. Sure you might be there to meet prospects, but you’re also likely at a bar with friends, maybe celebrating something, or just going out to have fun — and you should be doing that rather than focusing on who else is there.

My second observation had to do with one guy in particular, let’s call him Rider, who was honest to the point of awkward. After introducing himself, my brother-in-law began chatting with Rider about his career as an X-Games athlete. That’s when Rider told us that he is a former heroin and cocaine addict. Um… whoa! That’s a lot of information to absorb about someone we had just met 30 seconds earlier. I congratulated him on his recovery and quickly excused myself to find the waitress.

It got me thinking about what is appropriate to divulge when you first meet someone, or even later on a date. There’s nothing that Rider had to be ashamed about, but I’m not sure I needed to know that information quite yet. Even when you’re not dating but simply meeting someone, you don’t need to bare your soul. I’ve always recommended being upfront about your history without going into too much detail until you’re further along in a relationship, be it friendship or romantic.

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