It doesn’t feel good when someone doesn’t respond to your email, accept your invitation to chat via Instant Messenger, or call you after a first or second date, however, these are inevitable parts of not only the online dating experience but also dating in general. Over time, and through experience, we all might get better at letting these disappointments roll off our backs; however it is human nature to feel a sense of rejection in each of these situations. This feeling is the price we pay for putting ourselves out there, and giving ourselves a chance to meet someone special.

The alternative to this proactive approach is that we sit back and wait for someone to find us and sweep us off our feet, but is that really a likely scenario? Even if a more passive, “wait and see” approach was a viable option, does that really guarantee that we aren’t going to incur any negative feelings from the dating process just because the other person found us and put themselves out there first? With the ball in our court we still stand the chance that our response won’t be perceived well, either via email or on a first date, and that will abruptly end the interaction.

Furthermore, waiting around for people to contact you limits the number of people you meet, and leaves you at the mercy of those who randomly stumble across your profile. This is in stark contrast to someone who puts themselves out there by continuously looking for people that attract their interest, and then attempting to begin a correspondence with them, who in the process might run more of a risk of getting hurt or disappointed. But they also have a much higher chance of meeting a lot of interesting people and having an abundance of new experiences in the process.

Maybe my more proactive approach to dating isn’t the norm.  I know that guys are the ones who are typically supposed to take the lead in these types of situations, but I say regardless of your age, sex or past dating experiences that we all owe it to ourselves to embrace dating as a fun and unique challenge where each experience is different and an opportunity to develop into something great. So please don’t sit back and wait for the perfect situation to fall into your lap when you can take control by going out and finding it for yourself. Sure, along the way there will be some disappointments and agonizing moments, but there will also be ones of pure joy and satisfaction, which in my opinion makes it all worthwhile many times over.

Dear Tamar,

I just joined 100hookup but I haven’t really had any responses yet.  I’ve read a few profiles of men that I am interested in getting to know a little more.  Is it alright to send them an e-mail? How should I approach the message in the e-mail?

Dear Approach Attempt,

It’s definitely okay to send a message — or any other form of communication for that matter. I know it’s probably difficult as a woman to feel like you’re the one hitting on a man, but with more than half a million people on 100hookup, you need to help yourself get noticed. I suggest using Click!® first and if it’s a match then utilize Hot List and finally, send a Flirt. If you still have not heard from the guy at this point, you can decide whether to throw in the towel or send a subtle e-mail letting the guy know why you’re interested in him and that you’d like to be in touch. After that, it’s out of your hands, but at least you’re putting yourself out there! Good luck!

Dear Tamar,

I started chatting on 100hookup with a guy in another country back in March, then via email and now consistently twice a week on skype (with camera).  In between  skyping we email short messages, but nothing is flirty. We talk about the moon, the stars and everything under the sun, but nothing about us. He never says I like you or I am attracted to you and never gets into emotional discussions about ‘us’. I find him emotionally detached. Is he? I really like him. When I have tried to hint a ‘how do you feel’, he says ‘I am interested otherwise I wouldn’t communicate with you’. He has told me he would like to come visit, probably in September.  Where do I actually stand with him?  I really like him.

Dear Long Distance Lothario,

First, let me say September is a long way off. The problem with spending so much time getting to know someone you’ve never met who also happens to live halfway around the world is that you don’t really know who they are or if you will be a match once you do (if ever) meet. Second, the lack of emotional connection could be one of two things. Either he’s just bored and passing time at your expense, or he’s a really great guy and is getting to know you on a deeper level than just talking about sex. As women, we’re not totally used to this, but think about it… why should he talk about a relationship with someone he’s never met?

I don’t think there’s any harm in keeping in touch, but I wouldn’t stop meeting other people on 100hookup in the meantime. There are a number of reasons for this: it will keep you from putting all your eggs in one basket; it will make the time between now and the visit fly by faster; and if he never visits then you didn’t totally waste your time.

Dear Gems from Jen,

I met a guy online and we have been corresponding through Instant Messenger, Email, phone calls and texting for about the past month.  We still have yet to meet each other in person, which seems a little odd to me.  We do have different work schedules, so it is hard to figure out when we can get together, but I of course suggested that we meet for coffee sometime and that way we can at least meet for a little bit. However, he says that he really wants us to meet for a half day, so that we can spend a lot of time together.  I don’t quite get it. I would think that if he really wanted to meet me, a little time is better than none.  I’m not sure if I should bother communicating with this guy any longer. What do you think?

Dear First Date,

I agree with you, it does seem a little odd. It sounds as if the two of you have both agreed to meet and for some reason unknown to us, he is not willing to even meet for a quick cup of coffee. I’m not so sure there is anything else you can do at this point. He either wants to meet or he doesn’t. Do yourself a favor and keep your profile active on 100hookup.  Continue to look at profiles and correspond with those that spark your interest.  Don’t wait around for a guy that is unwilling to commit to a first meeting.

Signed,

Gems from Jen

Dear Gems from Jen,

I’m new to 100hookup and feeling overwhelmed by the world of online dating. I’ve found that men are much more likely to contact me through IM than through email, but I don’t really feel comfortable giving out my phone number (or agreeing to meet someone) after one conversation, even if I think I may like them.  How do I respond to those requests without making it sound like I’m just not interested in getting to know them?

Thanks

Dear Too Fast,

I can understand why you are feeling overwhelmed. I agree with you, dating should be a natural progression, even in the online world. If someone IMs you and wants to meet after one conversation, you need to decide if this is someone you really do want to get to know. I know for me when things move too quickly I become uncomfortable and begin to question the motives behind the person who is rushing the process. I tend to wonder if the person is just merely excited, or if they are  going to lose patience and/or attention too quickly. If you do decide to continue corresponding with these people be straightforward and speak the truth. Let each one know you are not yet comfortable giving out your number and would prefer to continue getting to know them through email. Do not do anything until you feel ready and comfortable. If the people on the other end do not understand or are no longer interested because you are not willing to rush things, move forward without looking backward.

Signed,
Gems from Jen

Dear Gems from Jen-

I occasionally email someone who seems to have a lot in common with me, but never get a response. Can you tell me what’s necessary to say in a first email message to optimize a response?
I’m an attractive, intelligent woman and I just don’t get it.

Thanks,

Email Messages

Dear Email Messages,
I’m not sure if there are hard and fast rules as to what to say in a first message, but there are some guidelines that may increase your chances of getting a response. State what it is you have in common with the person by reading their profile. Don’t respond based solely on the picture.  Looks can be deceiving. Make certain your subject line is catchy and tells the person that you did take the time to read what it is they are all about. For instance, if the person you are wanting a response from likes baseball have your email subject relate to baseball. Let them know what caught your eye and ask for some elaboration. Be sure to ask questions about the person you are interested in getting to know better. It is very difficult to respond to an email that does not leave room for a response or responses. Lastly, check your spelling and grammar.

Signed,

Gems from Jen

Dear Gems from Jen,

Are there any dating faux-pas when it comes to contacting a guy on a dating website? I’ve contacted several (either via ‘Flirts’ or a simple ‘hi’ via email) and once they reply and then I reply, it all seems to come to an abrupt end. Should I email again or just let it go by the wayside?

Dear Dating Faux-Pas,

My suggestion is to start the first communication with more than just a “hi.” Make sure you include something in the body of the email that shows you have something in common with the person you are writing for the first time. I know in my own experience if the communication is too brief the emails tend to die down rather quickly. Make certain you always leave an opening for the person to respond. Ask a few questions throughout the email so the person you are communicating with will feel more at ease responding. If you are still interested in the guys who do not respond try again.  Be sure to leave an opening for a response in order to maximize the possibility that you will get a return email.

Signed,

Gems from Jen

Dear Gems from Jen,
Here is my profile description — it’s not getting a flood of responses.  Can you tell me why or what to do to improve it?
_______________
I am a hookup secular humanist who believes in a human-driven ethical code, rather than in any kind of deity. Still believe in peace and love and working for a more just and humane society. Empathy, humility and kindness are most important to me when considering a potential partner. I am drawn to the arts, particularly music and painting, and I love to read in my spare time, especially poetry and history. I seek a compatible partner — must be politically progressive (e.g., liberal democrat — I am a big fan of Bernie Sanders but you don’t have to be). Basically, I am looking for someone who is in some way an activist — someone who has compassion for the struggles of the poor and disenfranchised. Basically seeking an educated, humane, giving person who is a reader, a thinker, and someone with a compatible world view.

Dear Secular Humanist,

I really enjoyed reading your profile description.  It sounds like you are passionate about your beliefs and look for the good in all. I think your profile does a great job of describing who you are. Perhaps you could add some specifics about what it is you can offer to a relationship.  Your profile definitely states who you are and what you are passionate about, but it lacks what you can offer to a potential romantic partner. Specifically, what it is you can give one on one, not to the entire world.  How do you stand out in terms of a partner from the next profile? Consider adding some of these specifics to your 100hookup profile and see what happens.

Have you emailed or Flirted with people on 100hookup that interest you? Spend a few minutes a day looking at profiles and reach out to those who spark your interest.  Remember, everyone has their preferences and just because you are not getting a flood of responses does not mean that there is anything wrong with your profile.

 Signed,
 Gems from Jen

Dear GemsfromJen,

What would help me to make a connection with someone after having already tried emails, Flirts and Instant Messages?

Dear Connections,

My first suggestion is to move on to the next profile that you find interesting.  If someone isn’t responding after several attempts of trying to gain their attention, it usually means they are not interested. Not that this is always the case, but it generally tends to be. My belief is if someone receives messages and they are not interested in establishing a connection it is common courtesy to let the person know in a polite manner that they do not feel that it is a good match. You don’t want to come across as harassing, so it sounds to me as if it is time to focus your attention elsewhere.
 Signed,

 Gems from Jen