I don’t think I will ever be comfortable. I have moments of comfort. Lying in bed after a long day of work. Lying in bed after a long day of lying in bed. Lying in bed between different times that I’m lying in bed.

It’s not in my nature to be comfortable. I know too much. I know what it’s like to be miserable, and I know that no matter how happy I may feel, misery is close by. I think I’ve found a medium between the two. I say that now, but in an hour I may be curled up in the corner of my room. I probably won’t, though, because I wrote the previous sentence an hour ago, and I’m still sitting at my desk, and I don’t actually have nervous breakdowns in corners. I think that’s the medium I’ve found. Fearing the worst, and accepting the ordinary.

But would you rather break down from anxiety or be anxious about breaking down? I’ve chosen the former over the past few years, and it’s been for the better. Anxious people are a lot more successful than people that act on that anxiety. I think, for example, that Woody Allen’s career path has had much more of an upward trajectory than that of Howard Hughes. I don’t think that either men have ever felt comfortable, but for whatever combination of reasons, one was fortunate enough to just worry about his worrying rather than acting on it.

My blog posts have veered way too far from topics related to dating. On the same token, they really haven’t at all. It took me a very long time to condition myself to act properly while out with a woman. Now, of course, this did not exist within the vacuum of a series of horrible dates. It was a culmination of my weight loss, heightened self-cognition, life-changing events, and other factors that gradually helped me change the way I conduct myself around others. My personality is the same, and I still generally say the same things, which are mostly awful things. However, the way that I say them, as well as my calmer demeanor and attentiveness to my surroundings, which allow me to act appropriately in different situations, have really helped me find someone great. Two years ago, if a woman asked what I did that day, I would reply quickly and loudly with some self-deprecating diatribe that probably sounded like a monologue from Gilmore Girls if Lorelai hated herself and had severe weight issues that she was not aware of. Today, I would simply say, ‘I woke up, went to work, and then came here.’ It’s a lot more boring, but it doesn’t radiate self-hatred and leaves no room for immediate rejection.

Sorry guys, but its true: girls pass gas, burp and use the bathroom just like every other human being. I know there’s a rumor going around that we women are immune to those natural occurrences, but it ain’t so. We may be able to hide those bodily functions better than you, but we still do them. And the longer you hang out with us, the harder it gets to hide.

Being in a relationship means spending a lot of time with another person: days, weekends and hopefully, eventually, forever. That much time together means there’s going to be ample opportunity for your natural bodily functions to rear their ugly heads in both noisy and smelly ways. And there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. You drink some soda, you’re forced to burp. You eat beans, you’re forced to fart. You eat too much too fast, you’re forced to belch. Holding back any of these gases will only make you uncomfortable and bloated. Letting these gases out will only make you feel uncomfortable and bewildered.

There are some tried and true techniques to do what you gotta do without it being heard, seen or sniffed. It means you have to use your time and opportunities wisely. Excuse yourself to go to the restroom and turn on both the fan and the faucet to stifle any sounds. Use the public restrooms at the movie theatre, in a hotel or at a restaurant instead of the one in the apartment which doesn’t have any ventilation and has a toilet that tends to clog. Excuse yourself to go outside to make a “phone call” and pass wind in the wind. You can also carry around a few helpful items in your overnight bag: antacids, Gas-X, deodorant, mouthwash and face wipes always come in handy.

It’s when you feel comfortable doing those things in front of your new guy or gal that you know you’re in a strong relationship. Unfortunately it takes an awkward conversation once somebody drops the (stink)bomb but usually this will force your relationship to the next level and will only lead to further exposure of all your disgusting habits.

If you don’t think your new boy- or girlfriend is ready to handle you in all your natural glory, then maybe you should hold off for now on introducing him or her to all the different “noises” you’re capable of. It’s when your significant other thinks your farts and burps are cute that you may have found yourself a keeper. Just don’t overdo it – nobody likes to be smoked out of their own bed because their lactose intolerant lover decided to eat pizza and ice cream even though they didn’t have their Lactaid® pill with them.

Going on 100hookups can be fun and entertaining (or dull and torturous, but this column is dedicated to the former!), so how do you turn a 100hookup into something more?

After the first date, a man who is interested should call the woman within two days, if not the next day. You can even send a text later that night or the next morning saying how good of a time you had – but don’t get in the habit of texting at this stage! (My anti-texting rampage is yet to come.)

When you call after the first date, make immediate plans for a second date, preferably within the next week. You don’t want to lose momentum. You’re getting to know each other, enjoying each other’s company and building on the chemistry. If you know you have a business trip, try to squeeze another date in before you leave or make plans in advance for when you return. Whomever is out of town should try to call once or twice while away but otherwise, you shouldn’t be spending too much time on the phone at this point, just let the other person know you are definitely interested and not blowing him or her off.

When you plan the second, third and fourth dates they should continue to be casual, comfortable and full of quality-time. That means no friends, not too much alcohol and no weddings of your third-cousin-twice-removed. Get to know each other sober and alone before introducing each other to your crazy fraternity brother or even crazier Great Aunt. Daytime dates are also a good option. Go for a walk in a park with a picnic basket to eat while you watch the sunset. Go to the zoo, the fair or an amusement park, or even miniature golfing or go-cart racing. Find a fun activity that will allow your inner child to come out, where you can laugh, and engage in some physical contact that’s not overtly sexual.

So I have a friend who I have known since I was 14. I am convinced she has not changed one tiny bit since our teenage years. She is one of those girls who is overly concerned with what everyone else is thinking. Questions like; ‘Do you think he is cute?’ ‘Would you date him?’ ‘Do you think he dresses nicely?’  ‘Do you think he makes enough money?’ Blah, blah, blah.  The list could go on for pages, but I won’t bore you any longer.

 This got me wondering, how important is it to have our dates accepted by our friends and family? Sure, we all want everyone to like our dates, but should that be the criteria? No way! Generally, our friends and family can spot things we are unwilling to see, but they don’t have to date the person, we do. I once made the mistake of telling my life-long friend that it didn’t really matter what I thought, it mattered what she thought. She became paralyzed by this statement. I genuinely feel badly for her, without some sort of approval she cannot date. I guess the moral is no one else has to approve of anyone we choose to date. Forget about what everyone else wants and go with what you want. After all, it is your dating life.