“When you start to really know someone, all his physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in his energy, recognizing the scent of his skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to “own” it. You can love it with your eyes and body, but not your heart. And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, any physical imperfections disappear, becoming irrelevant.”

-Bestselling author Lisa Unger

We’ve all heard the line “beauty is only skin deep,” but as author Lisa Unger so eloquently writes in the quote above, once we get to know someone beyond the surface, only then can we fall in love with them. Until then it is only lust. Dig a little deeper before you find yourself falling too hard, too fast. You may not like what you find underneath. Or you may discover what true love is once you get past appearances.

According to Psychology Today:

“A man, looking at a woman for the first time (or a woman looking at a man) will respond to the way that person stands or sits, the way he or she smiles, or is quiet or animated, the way he/she responds to others, and to the way that person is groomed and dressed. That initial impression determines whether that person seems attractive or not. But the odd thing is that what strikes one person as attractive will seem unattractive to someone else. No one way of appearing will seem attractive to everyone. Not only that, what is attractive, or unattractive, to a particular person at a particular time may seem quite the opposite at another time and place. ”

What this means is that looks don’t matter. How pretty or handsome you are is not all that people take into consideration when they are deciding whether or not to approach you. And just because someone doesn’t approach you at any given time, it isn’t an insult to you. Basically, every instance is different. As long as you exude confidence and happiness, then you have done everything possible to put the odds in your favor of making every opportunity count.

Temperature can mean a lot of things in a relationship but whichever definition you use, you want your mate’s temperature to complement yours. Whenever I’m freezing, my husband luckily isn’t and he can lend me his jacket. My hubby and I both kick our feet out from under the sheets while we sleep. And when I’m feeling down he peps me up. But when you’re dating and you’re still looking for that person you will find that you won’t always balance out.

Then there’s the messages you’re receiving – one day your date is interested and the next your date is nowhere to be found. When you speak, your date is present and involved but your texts are never returned. One day your relationship is hot n heavy and the next day your relationship is as cold as a dead fish. This is not a healthy relationship. And if you can recognize this early on then you should move on because you deserve to be desired on a consistent basis. Chemistry is not always physical and sexual, but is also a meshing of two personalities and lives.

Everyone has that friend — that one who has always only been platonic but that you have mad chemistry with. You “don’t like each other like that” but other people think that you’re secretly hooking up because you guys have that spark when you’re together. You have an easy rapport, you finish each other’s sentences, you laugh at inside jokes and you are each other’s plus one to weddings where you have THE BEST time dancing until dawn. But you’re just friends. That’s all fine and dandy, but how in the world are you going to meet your Beshert when you have this amazing friend with you all the time? Everyone is going to think you’re a couple. You have to make sure you go out with same sex friends sometimes to up your chances of meeting someone. It’s really nice to have a really good friend of the opposite sex, but once you do meet your Beshert that friendship is going to have to adjust to fit into a new space. Start now.

“I just met someone” is sometimes used as an excuse and sometimes the truth. It’s an easy excuse to use when you went on a date with someone and it was “okay” date but you didn’t “feel” anything. You don’t want to say there’s no chemistry (because maybe the other person did feel something) so instead you can just say “I met someone right around the same time and I want to see where it goes.” It’s not personal and it’s not hurtful, but will lying about having met someone jinx you for actually meeting someone? What happens when it’s the truth and you really don’t want to date anyone else? Isn’t dropping all your other prospects so quickly going to jinx this as well? If the date you like finds out you ended it with everyone else so quickly won’t it freak him or her out? Or, conversely, if the date you like finds out you are still dating others after you’ve had a couple really great dates, will it turn him or her off? There is no right or wrong answer. If it doesn’t work out, you’re going to look for things to blame it on and that will in turn affect how you handle the next situation. Bottom line: you need to trust your instinct. If it feels right, then it may be worth it to send a “maybe” packing. If it feels wrong, then it may be worth it to lie about having met someone.

If you’re scheduled to go on a date and you’re not in a good mood or are not feeling well, it’s probably a good idea to reschedule. Don’t tell your date you’re not in a good mood, just say you’re feeling under the weather and want to see him or her in a few days once you’ve gotten some rest and are feeling better. Make sure to reschedule then and there so that your date doesn’t think you’re not interested and are trying to blow him or her off. When you’re going on a 1st 100hookup you want to be at your best, mentally too. If you’re down in the dumps, it doesn’t matter how great your date is you’re not going to be into it. Any chemistry you would have won’t flourish. Don’t waste your time or the opportunity. Reschedule and get yourself in the right frame of mind in time for the new date. And if the date happens to suck, you can say you’re still not feeling well and excuse yourself to go home early.

Dear Tamar,

After 4 or 5 days of either emailing or speaking on the phone, my 100hookup communications die off? What can I do?

Dear Short Term Communication,

The best thing to do would be to make plans after 2 days of communication instead of letting the conversation continue and then taper off. In order to really see if a 100hookup is for you, you have to meet. A relationship can only go so far online or on the phone. As women, we prefer to have the men do the asking out, but you’re already communicating in this situation so there’s nothing wrong with asking a guy what his plans are for that week/weekend and saying you should meet up for coffee. If he doesn’t take the initiative to make plans, then be straight with him and let him know you’d prefer to just meet and make sure there’s chemistry before spending anymore time getting to know each other.

Dear Tamar,

I have a really good long-time friend that has always wanted to date me. We flirt but, until recently, were only friends. I finally agreed to go on a date with him and now that I have, I’m completely confused. Did I have a good time because we’re such good friends and I enjoy his company, or is it more? I can’t even tell if I’m really attracted to him or not. I don’t want to hurt him. What do I do?

Dear Friends or Lovers,

You’re definitely in a tough predicament. You run the risk of losing a great friend while you take the risk of finding out if he’s your Beshert. I suggest having this conversation with him if you haven’t already. He’s obviously had the hots for you for many years and wants you to feel the same way so I strongly believe he’d rather you jump in 100% to finding out if it could be true love, rather than play it safe and never know. To be blunt, the only way you’ll know if the chemistry you felt on your date is real is to keep dating and to get intimate. Cuddle, kiss and see how you feel. You know what that feeling is you’re looking for — the tingly sensation, the butterflies, the spark. And regardless of if you do or don’t feel it, make sure you keep the lines of communication open with him. If you don’t feel anything for him, hopefully your honesty will allow him to one day soon resume a friendship; just don’t expect it to happen overnight. If you do feel something, don’t rush into it because you feel so comfortable together. Just take your time and enjoy!

Dear Tamar,

Hi!  Ok, so I’ve been on and off of 100hookup for a few years now, and I currently find myself in a situation that I have never been faced with before. I met a guy on here and we totally hit it off.  We’re in no way even close to being in a committed relationship, but we emailed for months (he was traveling), and had instant chemistry when we first met.  He seems like a really genuine guy, and not at all a serial dater (which I’ve turned into, and don’t want to be anymore).  Anyway, I can’t help but to sign on every few days and see if he’s signed on!  It’s driving me crazy.  I can see when he’s viewing me, so he’s not just signing on to do that…so it’s safe to say he’s interested in what’s out there. Any advice for me? I know I should stop checking, but that’s too easy!

Dear 100hookup Stalker,

Hello and welcome to the club. Anyone who has ever been on 100hookup has at one point or another turned into a cyber stalker. The first step is admitting it — which you’ve basically done by writing me. Now for the intervention…First of all, and be honest with yourself, can you truthfully say that in all the times you logged on to check if he was logging on that you didn’t also check who was new, who viewed you and who your matches were? Sure you did! It’s a natural impulse! Second, you yourself said that you are nowhere near a committed relationship, so there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be on 100hookup, right? It obviously sounds like you want to take the relationship to that level, so why not introduce “the talk?” You’ve been communicating for many months already and if he is as you say — not a serial dater — and the chemistry is mutual — then the conversation should go your way. I know it’s easier said than done to just tell you to stop logging on and stop stalking him, so instead I say take the bull by its horns and steer this relationship in the direction you want it to go. Good Luck!

I am a strategic business counsel for a corporation. Oftentimes, my days are filled with client meetings and implementing initiatives. As you can imagine, the end result doesn’t always favor our clients’ preferences.  As a result, we often have briefings and even client exit interviews, which got me thinking… what if dates had exit interviews?  I think we would be blown away if honest feedback and data were collected from our dates. I find it truly fascinating when two people view the same situation (ie date)/conversation two different ways.  It makes you wonder, were we on the same date??? So my idea: An exit interview, or better yet, a trip advisor for dating.  You may receive interesting feedback that you wouldn’t have normally considered.  Granted, sometimes a date can be great even if it lacks chemistry.   However, if there are some major gender faux pas, false steps, that your ex never had the heart to articulate, wouldn’t you want to know?  Don’t we all want to be the best singles? And isn’t dating a huge component of connecting with people and building relationships, just with some added romance?
Exit interviews, something to think about..