I’m constantly talking about “the search for Beshert” and finding “The One” or holding off for “Mr. or Mrs. Right.” At the same time, however, I just don’t know if there is only one soulmate for each of us. When I was twenty years old and in college I dated and lived with a guy for a year. Back then, I would have told you he was the one for me and we were going to get married and have six kids and live happily ever after. About a year after he transferred to a university in another state and broke up with me, I realized the heartbreak had caused me to grow up and change for the better. I could never imagine myself with him and couldn’t believe I had spent a year with him as it was! When he came crawling back, I was confidently able to tell him that the best thing he did for me was break my heart. He may have been that “Tamar’s version” of soulmate, but we would have for sure been divorced by now as I wasn’t done maturing as a woman or as a person.

Five years ago when I decided to only date hookup men and sign up for 100hookup, my evolution into the person I am today really began. Once I truly learned what I wanted, who I was and where I saw my life going, I was better able to figure out who would make the short list for my heart. Obviously, not every guy – nor every second, third or fourth guy – that I dated could be my Beshert, but a few did make the first cut.

I didn’t – and still don’t – believe that there is only one person out there for you; that lighting will strike when you meet each other, or that you will fall in love at first sight. In order to meet your soulmate you have to make it happen. If you meet someone you like and he or she encompasses the “must have” items on your list and you are willing to accept or compromise on the other items, and the other person also feels strongly enough about you to do the same, then that person could be your Beshert. Your soulmate isn’t going to necessarily encompass every item on your list, nor will you be everything they are looking for – this does not a soulmate make.

When I first saw my now-husband I did feel well, “something,” but I also had to make the first move to get his attention – not exactly ideal in my book. Once we started talking though, the conversation never stopped and that, mixed with attraction that steadily grew between us as we continued getting to know each other, was what sealed the deal. At the time we met, we were both ready to meet someone… “The One.” We had both matured as much as we each could on our own and were ready for the next stage. Meeting my husband at that time and that place was due to a number of components:  Timing, of course, but also maturation and the willingness to compromise.  Is he my Beshert? Yes. Does that mean someone else couldn’t have been? I guess I’ll never know.

Dear Tamar,

I just want to meet a guy I can hit it off with. Is that so difficult?

1) How can I judge if they only want sex?
2) How can I know that they are honest?
3) How do I know they don’t have psychological issues?

Dear Trying to Figure it All Out,

Unfortunately you won’t know if a guy only wants sex, is honest or is sane until you’ve been on at least one date but there may be signs along the way that you should look out for including: Is the guy only commenting about your physical attributes? Is the guy actually listening to what you’re saying and having a back-and-forth conversation? Is the guy sharing personal items with you? Is the guy only talking about himself? Is the guy having trouble looking you in the eye? Is the guy too touchy-feely or too in your face? Some of these questions you can ask yourself while reading email correspondence, IMs and on the phone but some you may need to answer in person. You will waste many nights on bad dates, so will men, but your Beshert will come along. It’s the digging through all the dirt until you find that diamond that makes it all the more worth it. You should learn about yourself and about what really matters to you in a mate along the way, so don’t think it’s not worth it. One last thing — don’t spend the conversation trying to read between the lines seeing if the guy is a player, is lying or is crazy because then you’re the one who’s not being an active participant in the date. Once you’re radar is honed in, you should be able to tell a bad seed from the good ones.

Dear Tamar,

I’ve had quite a bit of success on 100hookup meeting some wonderful women.  Recently one of them stood out more than the others.  I was smitten. We went out five times in three weeks and each date was better than the last.  We laughed, we shared, we kissed, we cuddled, and we had an amazing start to a relationship. Then it suddenly ended.

After a long night together I went home at 11am for some much needed sleep but not before making plans for another date. At 3pm she called me to tell me it wasn’t working. I was stunned. I stopped by her place to drop off something she had left with me, and with a beautiful smile she thanked me for the time we had.

What had just happened?  Had I pushed too hard, moved too fast, spent too much time with her too quickly?  If that was the case, though, then why break it off?  If she liked me wasn’t that the kind of problem that was easily rectified? Simply tell me we need to slow down and I would have happily obliged! I texted her and said I wasn’t willing to leave it the way we had and that I would give her some space and call her in a week.  After all, I’m a guy who fights for a good thing!

If you have any advice for a poor dejected shlub like me I’d really appreciate it! Thanks!

Dear Shunned and Stunned,

Unfortunately I have been in your shoes and it sucks plain and simple. And if I care to think back (I really don’t), I bet I can think of a time when I left someone high and dry. I know you felt a connection and that it was mutual, but for her it wasn’t “it” for some reason that more than likely has nothing to do with you. The “why” may give you some closure and may make you feel better in the short term, but even if you never get that explanation you’re going to have to move on and force yourself to get over it. It’s heartbreaking to have had so much hope in something so new and have it end out of nowhere. It threatens your faith in love.

Let’s try to find the silver lining: it has only been a few weeks, at least she didn’t shun you after months and months together! You met someone on 100hookup that you had a deep connection with and that means it can and will happen again! You liked someone who was willing to throw away something that could have gone somewhere; do you really want to be with someone like that? (I’m guessing not).

There’s a chance she was just freaking out and needed some time to gather her thoughts but, unfortunately, I don’t see her changing her mind. Something happened that caused her to pull the trigger to end the relationship, but let me repeat, it has nothing to do with you, this is not a reflection of you and the explanation doesn’t really matter in the long run. Chalk it up to a sucky dating experience, get back out there and, soon enough,your Beshert will come along.

Dear Tamar,

Hi! I’m new to the whole online dating scene. Right now I am talking to two girls at the same time and I am not sure whether I should take them both out on dates or just one. Should I take one girl out on a date and stop speaking to the other girl even if I’m still interested in meeting both? Thanks!

Dear Two Timer?,

“Meeting” a girl on 100hookup does not a relationship make. I am a strong, strong advocate of poly-dating until it gets serious with one person. First of all, you may pick one girl and have no chemistry with her and now you’ve already ruined your chances with the second girl. Take them both out on dates, try to be unbiased and not compare them to each other, and save any decisions until after each date. There may be no attraction, no chemistry, or it may not be mutual with one or both of the ladies. Keep your options open at all times. Between when you “meet” a girl on 100hookup and when you actually meet her in person, you may “meet” even more ladies online… and guess what? That’s great! If you were able to meet that many great hookup gals at a bar then 100hookup wouldn’t exist, but the fact is that you can’t; no one can, which is why 100hookup is so successful. Take the opportunity to meet as many women who fit your preferences as possible because the more women you meet the better your odds are of finding your Beshert. Good Luck!

Hey Tamar,

Can you please help me find someone beautiful that wants a serious relationship? Thank you……..!!!!!!!!

Dear Help Please!,

Looks like you’re helping yourself pretty well by #1 being on 100hookup and #2 writing me!  If you’re really serious about finding your Beshert, follow my previous tips regarding creating your profile and setting your preferences. Remember, set flexible standards and don’t limit yourself in area, age range, education, etc. It will help if you make your own Top 10 list and spend some quality time ranking the characteristics that are most important to you. The top 3-5 should be items that you’re not willing to negotiate about. Although attraction is important, it can be based on many things so make sure “looks” are not on that list! Only eliminate prospects based on those traits because chances are you will find yourself attracted to people who have your desired features. The next thing to make sure you have in your favor when trying to find your Beshert is your attitude. Be upbeat, positive, interesting and conversational. Ask questions and listen to the answers, let your date get to know you as well and don’t forget to smile! Finally, if you’re interested in meeting a 100hookup or seeing a date again, don’t hesitate to make it obvious or to make the plans yourself! Good luck!

A few years ago I dated a guy about five years older than me. When the relationship ended, I was stunned to see him step out with a woman five years older than he. That’s when I realized I was competing with women ten years my junior for the same men. Not a comforting thought.

This realization opened my eyes to a number of things. First, the guys on 100hookup are selecting a much wider age range than I had assumed. Men are far more open to dating women both much younger as well as much older than they are. Second, women tend to have much stricter standards and that calculates to more women per capita, an equation that makes an already tough dating scene seem impossible. It also made me realize that I don’t want to still be single ten years from now dating guys that are also dating girls ten years younger than I. If it bothers me as the younger woman in the scenario, I can’t even begin to imagine how perturbed the older women are.

I decided that women need to take a page from the men’s handbook and increase their age range preference. Of course you need to feel comfortable, but there’s no reason not to date a guy a year or two younger or, even, up to ten years older. If you feel old enough to be a guy’s mother or young enough to be his daughter, then maybe you’ve gone too far. Simply increase your age range a little bit in each direction in order to increase your chances at meeting your beshert. Good Luck!

Dear Tamar,

Why do some guys respond to my inquiries with lightening fast reflexes while others are slow as molasses? Thanks!

Dear Response Time Riddle,

Most of my mail comes from people that don’t know why they aren’t getting any response at all, so the fact that you are actually getting responses is what really matters, right? LOL!  But, I can totally understand your frustration and I can only assume that the guys you’re really interested in are the ones who respond slowly, right? There are so, so many reasons someone can have for not responding quickly: maybe he’s been busy at work or out of town and hasn’t had time for 100hookup; maybe he had just met someone and wanted to give her a fair shake; maybe he wasn’t sure if he was interested in you and was taking his time trying to decide. Some guys may be responding faster because they’re new on 100hookup and more eager, or they were instantly smitten by your email and profile and didn’t need time to think about it or they’re just more active on 100hookup looking for their Beshert. Who really knows? I do know you should give every guy a chance no matter how long they take to contact you and not to mention the time lapse because you never know where you’ll find your Beshert. Good Luck!

Dear Tamar,

Do you think after spending 39 years with your Beshert, there is another one out there?  I am a young-ish widow (58 years old) and wonder if I will spend the remainder of my life without that type of love again.

Dear True Love Take 2,

First, I am sorry for your loss. Losing my spouse at a young age is one of my worst nightmares. My parents have friends in this situation as well, and I’ve fully supported them in signing up for 100hookup, attending temple functions and going on blind dates. You are young, active, and could have 40 more years of living to do (knock on wood) and want someone to share that with. Totally understandable!  That said, I do think it’s possible to find true love again! Not only do I believe in there being more than one Beshert for each of us, but I believe that once we’re in a different stage of our lives — as you are — our idea of who or what defines a Beshert is different from our definition when we were much younger.  Just think, compared to 39 years ago, your list of preferences is so much simpler — you’re not worried about finishing college, having kids, buying your first place, getting a job that will support your growing family and so forth. You’re probably more concerned with sharing the same interests in movies, food, traveling, and spending time with grandchildren. Keep your 100hookup preferences as broad as possible and let your friends, family, Rabbi and virtually everyone you come in contact with know that you’re interested in being set-up. Good luck!

Month after month, the same faces seem to gaze upon you from the computer screen as you peruse 100hookup, searching, hoping that the discovery of a new face will appear. And you hope and wait and pray that this find will be a perfect match, both of you Hot-Listing each other, sending Flirts, messages and finally exchanging phone numbers only to meet up and unearth your beshert. But month after month this is not to be and your 100hookup prospects seem to be thinning as quickly as your boss’s hairline. Frustration sets in.

Date after date, the faces sitting across from you begin to all look alike, memories of those dates turn into a redundant void, lacking chemistry and stimulating conversation.  Even still, you hope, wait and pray before each date that this time will be different; this time your interest will be piqued, and there will be instant attraction, and you won’t want the night to end. But date after date this is not to be and the possibility of finding your beshert seems to be disappearing faster than the alcohol at an open bar wedding reception. Frustration turns to indignation.

So what’s a single Jew to do? Before you become so cynical you can’t see straight, I suggest reevaluating what YOU want out of life, out of a mate. Talk to any of your single friends, of any gender, any age, in any city and you’ll be quickly comforted by the fact that you’re not alone in your misery. Reevaluate your priorities: where do you want to go in your career? Are you spending enough quality time with family and friends? Are you eating well and exercising? Take a step back and take some “you” time and then give your 100hookup profile a facelift.

Once you’ve put everything into perspective and finished your profile makeover (new photos, new screen name, new paragraphs and most of all, new attitude) you’ll not only begin attracting potential dates like a moth to a flame, but you’ll be the *NEW* face on the screen and faces that once blended into the background will now stand out. Try it and good luck!

Hi Tamar,

I get a lot of responses from great guys, who seem really excited to meet me and all enthusiastic, but then they just stop talking to me. This happened recently. A guy was really excited to meet me and was supposed to call me that night, but I never heard from him and then he stopped talking to me. I couldn’t have possibly said anything wrong between the time we met and when he said he was going to call so I’m wondering what happened?

Dear Stop Loss,

Unfortunately, this is not unusual with Internet dating. The men you’re talking to are probably talking to a few other women as well, and if one of those connections turned serious, he’s likely to no longer correspond with you. He figures he doesn’t owe you anything because he hasn’t met you yet. I once received an email from a 100hookup I hadn’t yet met and he told me he was getting serious with someone and could no longer make plans or communicate with me. To be honest, I felt it was a little overboard. He didn’t need to go through such extremes writing me a lengthy email, but on the other hand, it was better to know than to be left in a state of mystery like you’re in right now. As for the man you were supposed to meet, just chalk him up as a coward and move on. You will need to weed through these losers until you find your beshert, but believe me, women are pulling the same stunts with men. We’re all in the same boat. My suggestion is not to spend too much time corresponding before meeting.  As I’ve said before, your 100hookup profile already supplies the information you would normally exchange on the first date, so try to keep the pre-date communication to a minimum or else risk creating expectations that neither side can meet. Good luck!