100hookup is programmed to automatically send an email whenever someone on the site sends me a message, but that doesn’t always keep me from obsessively checking the site just in case. During the time that I’ve been active on the site it has never failed to send an automated email to me within minutes of my being sent a message; however, there are still times when I can’t help but double check.

On these rare occasions when I compulsively log on to 100hookup the reason for my behavior is always that I am eagerly anticipating an email from someone that I’ve been corresponding with. In this scenario what specifically causes me to compulsively check the site for new emails is that the person I’ve been having a great email conversation with is taking longer than normal to respond.

In my last email to a woman that I had been having a great correspondence with over 100hookup, I ended by asking her out for a drink or dinner sometime next week. This, of course, caused me to anticipate her response that much more. Even though I sent my last email on Thursday night I still expected her, even though it was the weekend, to respond in about the same amount of time she had previously.

When she didn’t write back on Friday I figured it was no big deal because she probably went out and didn’t have time, which is a situation that I’ve found myself in during the past. After rationalizing her non response on Friday I honestly did expect to hear something from her on Saturday. However, those 24-hours silently came and went. Sunday was the first day that I began checking my 100hookup email periodically even though I know I’ll get a message from the site, but I still can’t seem to help it.

It’s almost as though I need to check the site to make sure that she hasn’t emailed me back because it seems too hard to believe that after our previous emails she would end things so abruptly right after I asked her out. Certainly, things happen and there could be a very reasonable explanation why she hasn’t responded (which means that things could still work out). However, tomorrow (Monday) I know that I can’t let myself replicate the compulsive checking I did today, and need to move on to pursuing other fish in the 100hookup sea.

The Kibitz Corner is back. This time, 100hookup is asking its members, “What does it mean to you to be hookup?”

1. Getting to tell everyone that my people are less than 1% of the world’s population and are 90% of the world’s news. And it means eating amazing food.

VladimirCB0F, 26, Single, Man seeking a Woman, San Diego, CA

2. Distinctive ethnicity, people-hood, monotheism, Israel and Jerusalem.

Multiling…, 56, Divorced, Woman seeking a Man, New York, NY

3. Flipping latkes, spinning dreidels, quoting Reb Nachman of Breslov, defending Israel’s right to exist and resisting the power of bacon but still rolling on Shabbos…

tonecrafter, 35, Single, Man seeking a Woman, Los Angeles, CA

4. Chopped liver, gefilte fish, guilt, stuffed cabbage, kasha varnishka’s, guilt, latkes, kreplach, guilt. Two cents plain (for you non-New Yorkers, Seltzer. For the older folk, club soda and for the youngsters, Perrier).  

MaxBialys…, 61, Divorced, Man seeking a Woman, St Petersburg Beach, FL

5. Having the highest bagel standards (and don’t even get me started about my pastrami requirements).

strad3, 39, Single, Woman seeking a Man, Caldwell, NJ

6. Feeling like part of a huge “family”, that no matter where you are, if you meet another Jew, you’ve got something in common that most people don’t (and can’t) have. and it’s kind of hard to put it into words.

rochel412, 19, Single, Woman seeking a Man, Monsey, NY

7. Being able to speak your mind and understanding and weighing on different opinions. Plus, the matzo balls don’t hurt.

Boulderskies, 46, Divorced, Woman seeking a Man, Boulder, CO

8.  A cultural identity. A link in a never-ending chain. Belonging. Supporting Israel, our homeland, our people.

Lynda1231, 66, Widowed, Woman seeking a Man, Van Nuys, CA

9. Always learning, and knowing when I light the Sabbath Candles I am adding light to all the other candles being lit at the same time.

Nancy0BBD, 58, Widowed, Woman seeking a Man, Fredericksburg, VA

10. Thinking in Yiddish even though I don’t speak the language!

readynow4…, 52, Divorced, Man seeking a Woman, Nyack, NY

I’m not really big on using the 100hookup instant messaging system to chat with women online and, instead, I mostly prefer to correspond via email, gradually building up the conversation from a few sentences to a point where we feel comfortable enough to go out on a first date. However, one of the ways that I find women whom I’m potentially interested in opening a conversation with is to go on the website at night and check out who’s online.

I’ll usually spend at least a few minutes each night during the week skimming through profiles of people online and then shooting quick messages or flirts out to the ones that I want to begin a correspondence with. Although, over time, I have noticed that certain nights are more popular as it pertains to people being on the website. Certainly Friday and Saturday nights are the scarcest when it comes to people who are online, but in recent weeks I’ve noticed that Sunday seems to be the most popular day.

While I don’t know the exact reason why Sunday is such a hopping night for being on 100hookup, my guess is that people are apt to log on and spend a little extra time on the site on Sundays since, for many people, they haven’t checked their home page in a few days. Of course, with a greater number of individuals online there are more opportunities to spot people that you are potentially interested in; however, it also means that there is more competition, so if you are considering joining the 100hookup Sunday night party might I suggest logging on early before everyone is already engaged in a conversation.

Dear Tamar,

I met someone on 100hookup in another country and actually met him recently when I was in his country on business. We met twice during that trip and since then we’ve kept up a friendly relationship via e-mail. Recently, I tried to learn whether he plans to visit me when he comes to see his family who lives near me or if he thinks our connection could be developed in the future since I’m already planning to immigrate. Thus far he’s only replied that we are friends and he likes to talk but didn’t refer to the future. I would really like to become more serious with him but I’m afraid to push him to answer me about his future wishes but I really want to know if he could be interested in me romantically? I would appreciate your help very much.

Dear Far-Reaching Fling,

I think your beau is probably a little hesitant to commit to someone who currently lives in another country that he’s only met twice even if you are planning on emigrating. Between now and the time you move to his country, stop putting pressure on him to talk about the future and just get to know each other better. You may find you’re no longer interested in him once you get to know him better or you may find that you’re now the “cool, no-pressure chick” he’s excited to spend more time with once you move. And, of course, make sure you’re moving for the right reasons.

Since moving back to Chicago permanently in August I have made it my goal to be more social and, in turn, bring some much-needed balance to my life. Not only have I tried to see friends and go out more frequently, but I have also attempted to meet women and go out on dates. Most of the women I’ve gone out with I have met on 100hookup since my job takes up much of my time and energy, especially during the season.

While online dating has overall been a very good experience for me, and has led to two relationships (for lack of a better word) that have lasted longer than 2 months, most of my interactions with women I meet online result in only an exchange of emails or a single date. In some of these situations I have been the one who ended things because I lost interest or didn’t feel a spark when we went out, but in other cases it has been them who has moved on.

Regardless, the simple fact that I have continued to talk to women and go out on dates intermittently is something that I know is good for me and that I need to continue. Although recently I’ve gone out on several first dates that I was excited about, however none of them resulted in a second date. In a few cases I decided not to ask them out again, but in the others they have been the ones who lacked interest. In either case since the season started back in mid-November I haven’t gone out on any dates where both of us had a good time, felt a spark and wanted to go out again.

In spite of my lack of dating success over the past few months I can honestly say that I haven’t become frustrated or disenchanted with the process because I know that dating can be very unpredictable. Additionally, part of my life philosophy is that things tend to happen when we least expect them to, and I know that unless I continue to go out on dates it is highly unlikely that a woman, and relationship, will just magically appear.

I was on Facebook, catching up with “friends” when all of a sudden something caught my eye on the right side of the screen. It was a familiar picture listed under the “People You May Know” section and the name struck a chord. It was Greg, a guy I had dated pretty seriously in my mid-twenties until he disappeared off the face of the earth. Of course, by now I had gotten over Greg, the person, but what he had done to me had really hurt me and left a dating scar.

Greg and I met on 100hookup and spoke a few times on the phone before he took to me on an incredibly romantic first date. It was lunch at a really upscale restaurant on the water and afterwards we walked along the rocks. We made plans to see each other a few days later and soon enough we were seeing each other about twice a week except when one of us was out of town. When I hesitantly asked him if he would accompany me to a distant family member’s wedding he accepted without hesitation and was the perfect companion. We had a lot of fun together and even though we hadn’t had “the talk” there wasn’t any pressure or any doubt that we were headed in the right direction.

We had been seeing each other for two months when, for the first time, he didn’t call when he said he was going to call. I called him and, for the first time, he didn’t answer. I left a message but it was never returned. I waited a week and called again, no answer, left a message and never heard back. At this point I was beyond wary and wasn’t going to waste time stalking him but if he called me with a really good excuse I wasn’t going to give him grief either. He never did call and I never did see him again.

About a month later I ran into a mutual friend of ours and I asked her what was going on with him. She said she had recently bumped into him and his new fiancé. Speechless is not a strong enough word to describe how I felt at that moment. Chills went through my body, my heart started beating double time and I broke into a cold sweat. I don’t think I was asking too much for him to have simply called me after our last date and told me he had met someone and it was getting serious. That would have burned, yes, but at least it wouldn’t have as core-shattering as this news was.

I just don’t get why he couldn’t simply pick up the phone and break it off with me? Why would that be so difficult? I don’t care how non-confrontational someone is, it’s not like I could have slapped him through the phone (not that I would have) and he wouldn’t even have to look me in the eye. If I had started crying (which I wouldn’t have) all he’d have to do is end the conversation. It’s one thing to not call after a first date because it is, after all, just one date. But to completely disappear after two months of dating is rude and inexcusable.

Dear Tamar,

I saw someone that I thought was really interesting so I sent her an email and asked her a question about something specific that I saw in her profile. She read the email and looked at my profile, but did not respond. The thing is, I really would like to communicate with her.  Should I try another route to approach her, or should I not be “that guy” and realize she is not interested?  Thanks!

Dear Repeat or Delete?,

The great thing about 100hookup is that you don’t lose anything by trying one more time. Sure, you could meet that person one day or have a friend in common, but for the most part chances are you’ll never run into each other so you’re not going to lose face by giving it one more shot. Both of you are on 100hookup to meet someone so why not try another route to get her attention? So far you’ve done everything right by asking her about something specific in her profile. She either isn’t interested, which is fine, or she’s ambivalent which means you have an opening to sway her in your direction. I would suggest trying the humor route, like “I saw that you checked me out, I hope my good looks didn’t scare you away” or something to that effect. Let her know that you know that she read your email and looked at your profile and try to appeal to her funny side — every girl likes a guy who can make her laugh! If she still doesn’t respond, then you know to move on.

Dear Tamar,

How realistic is 100hookup for a widow aged 68? Reading that a 5% response rate is not bad in general, how does this hold up for a woman of my age? It’s hard not to be discouraged because no one has expressed any interest in me but it would help to understand the odds better. I know there are enough men over 60, but how many of them will even consider a same aged woman?

Dear Never Too Late for 100hookup,

In general, the odds may seem to be against you as women outlive men. But don’t let that get you down. Instead, use 100hookup to your advantage by expanding on the possibilities of meeting an older man, a younger man, or even a man who lives in another city. Play around with your preferences and by that I mean make them as wide and broad as possible. Don’t limit yourself (okay, well, limit yourself to a point, but be flexible). Even if your hobbies and interests don’t overlap, don’t count the guy out — you may still enjoy his company! A minimum age range is understandable, but there are plenty of youthful and active 75-year-old men out there so don’t count those guys out! In addition, don’t forget to get involved in activities in your community because the same guy who may have overlooked you on 100hookup may see something he missed when he sees you in person.

After you’ve finally recovered from the surprise demise of what you thought was a relationship headed in the right direction, how do you trust your instincts again when it comes to dating? It’s hard to get back out there after a broken heart and it’s even more difficult to know if you can not only trust your gut but also take someone at their word. A broken heart will wreak havoc on your self-esteem, your self-confidence and your self-worth, not to mention your sub-conscience.

About five years ago I was blind-sided by a break-up. Not only was it out of left field, but I felt so confident about the relationship I didn’t know how the guy could have felt differently without me knowing. After a few weeks moping, hanging out with my girlfriends and throwing myself into my work, I was ready to start dipping my toe in the dating waters. I wasn’t ready for a new relationship quite yet, but I needed to bring myself back from the brink. Seeing what (or rather, who) was out there would help me finish healing. So I signed back on to 100hookup and fielded messages and phone calls from some really great guys who had my interest piqued. But my inner alarm kept ringing. How could I know that this guy wouldn’t hurt me also? I didn’t. That we can never know and it’s a risk we take in love and life. But how could I know that this guy was being genuine about how much he liked me? Again, I would just have to take a risk and make sure I kept my eyes open to any warning signs.

It’s definitely hard to trust not only yourself but the person you’re dating after a painful break-up. You become cynical. Every statement, every action, is doubted and dissected. And that skepticism is hard to hide and unfortunately will lead to making your dates fail no matter how great the other person was. Believe that the right person is out there and that putting only your best self forward will help in finding him or her. Eventually I did meet my next boyfriend, but alas that relationship also didn’t pan out, although this time I was the one to bring an end to it. I would go through more than a few of these before meeting my husband but at least I felt good knowing I gave them 100%.

The thing we all have to understand about dating is that no matter how many dates you go on, no matter how many relationships you’ve been in or for how long you were in them, only one is going to be the ultimate success (okay, maybe two, but that’s not the point here). So each date you go on and each relationship you enter deserves to be given your full attention, your entire focus and entered into with an open heart. Until you meet your beshert, dating is cyclical. First date after first date, relationship after relationship, break-up after break-up. It’s easy to get jaded and frustrated, but eventually the cycle will end with the right person at the right time.

Dear Tamar,

Any tips on what to say to someone who sent me a message but, to be quite honest, is just not my type in the looks department? I know that sounds soooooo incredibly shallow but let’s face it, attraction is important! I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or come off like a b**ch. I want to be honest and I think if someone messages me they deserve a reply! Help please….

Dear Not My Type,

You ask a very realistic and common question. First off, I applaud you for not wanting to just delete and ignore the message because you’re right, people do deserve some sort of reply. Here’s the thing though — you don’t have to say why exactly you’re not interested, sometimes it’s more polite to just decline without explanation. The person won’t be left wondering why you didn’t respond and you can avoid being a b**ch. Simply reply something along the lines of “Thank you for your interest, but unfortunately I don’t believe we’d be a match. I wish you the best of luck finding your Beshert!” You can also tell a little white lie and reply “Thanks for your letter, I just recently met someone and want to see where it goes. Good luck!” Some people may reply back questioning your rejection (i.e. “Why don’t you think we’d be a match? Why are you still signing on to 100hookup if you met someone?) but at that point you can ignore and block and not feel bad about it.