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Second Date Tips: Seasoned Greetings

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,100hookup,Single Life

I don’t know about you, but I easily went on 100 first dates and only a handful of second dates. That meant that I was excited and nervous prior to a second date, because they happened so seldom! As I approached my date, I wondered… what is the appropriate greeting here? Just smile? Hug? Kiss? Luckily, there is a pretty simple answer.

As you walk up to your date you should do whatever it is you did to end your first date, plus a little extra. What does that mean?

  • If you left by standing and smiling and waving, then keep that smile going but add in a little hug
  • If you left with a hug, then hug again but add a kiss on the cheek or hug a bit longer and include a squeeze
  • If you left with a kiss, then kiss again and allow the kiss to linger just a bit longer
  • If you left with MORE than a kiss, then definitely kiss again to start this date

You both know that it wasn’t easy getting to a second date with someone — you liked the first date, you’re interested in learning more, and there’s attraction — so you want the other person to know that you’re excited without coming on too strong. You also still don’t really know this person and are understandably anxious for it to go well, by being prepared with how you’re going to greet each other then you will be able to get past the first hurdle quickly and move on the date with ease.

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Second Date Tips: Series Starter

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,100hookup,Online Dating,Single Life

I’m pretty sure I covered every aspect of a first date with my First Date Tips series (click on these links if you need to catch up: Go Together or Meet There, Patterns, Confirming Plans, Don’t Talk About That, Ease On In, Conversation Starters, Paying the Bill, Saying Goodbye, Post Date Follow-Up, Don’t Analyze Everything, No Expectations). But… what about the second date? Just because you chose to see each other again doesn’t mean you’re not nervous!

Second dates (and third and fourth dates) should be treated a lot like first dates in regards to having some level of formality… and with a certain amount of hesitancy. You still don’t know this person very well, you still shouldn’t be texting, and you still shouldn’t be engaging in any other social media (no Facebook friending yet!). You should still be making the effort to plan dates, and putting extra effort into getting ready, and be practicing the same conversational tips as your first date.

I’ll be going more into detail about what this all means in the coming weeks!

 

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First Date Tips: No Expectations

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Online Dating,Single Life

We all have mental checklists of expectations for new prospects, which can sabotage a date when they aren’t met. Some of these expectations include:

  • Calling to confirm the day of or day before
  • Making reservations/being easy-going about planning options
  • Arriving on time
  • Looking as though you put effort into your appearance
  • Asking questions/listening to answers/participating in conversation
  • Showing consideration while ordering
  • And so on…

As the lead-in to the date and actual date progress we tend to tally when a prospect does or does not achieve these benchmarks, and then begin judging the prospects based on these expectations… effectually taking us out of the date. When you do this, you’re not present in the date or giving a prospect a fair chance.

Try to appreciate each date for what it is and enjoy your time. It’s also difficult not to compare one date to another, especially when you’ve been on some amazing dates that may have set a high benchmark, but each date needs to be treated as a unique entity. After all, there’s a reason you’re still dating and not in a relationship with the prospects that set those benchmarks!

 

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Dear Tamar: No Experience Needed?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships,Single Life

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Dear Tamar,

I’m turning 28 this year and have never been in a serious relationship… in fact, I don’t have any dating experience at all. I’ve always had my nose in books to be honest, and didn’t really have high self-esteem growing up. Now I feel like I’ve come into my own. After being in school for the past 25 years and collecting some really impressive degrees — and now gaining some pretty substantial success in life — I am ready to put myself out there. The problem is, I don’t know how to present the fact that I’m the real-life version of “Never Been Kissed.” Help!

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear “Never Been Kissed,”

Congratulations on all your successes, and especially on gaining self esteem! That’s awesome! You do not need to talk about your lack of experience in your 100hookup profile, nor do you need to discuss it with dating prospects. You can simply state that you haven’t been in a serious relationship because you haven’t found anyone worthy while you were busy working hard to achieve your dreams.

Meanwhile, I suggest you accept every date invitation you receive in order to get some practice. Once you get more serious with a specific suitor then you can perhaps let him know more about your lack of experience. Any man that really likes you won’t care… and if he does, then good riddance!

 

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First Date Tips: Don’t Analyze Everything

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,100hookup,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

It’s natural; in fact, it seems to be in our DNA as Jews to overanalyze everything. It’s not one of our better stereotypes, and when you add dating into the equation, it can create problems. It’s a twofold issue:

  1. You’re reading too much into everything your date says (and does and more), and likely blowing things out of proportion.
  2. Meanwhile you aren’t tuned in or present because you’re spending too much time analyzing everything.

It’s understandable to be cautious, or to have a hard time trusting immediately. However, it’s unnecessary to doubt everything your date tells you. Relax and enjoy yourself. If you continue to date someone for a while, then many questions will likely organically be answered over time. You can also simply ask for answers to any questions you may have when the time presents itself.

 

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Patti Stanger is Single Again

by Tamar Caspi under Entertainment,News,Relationships,Single Life

Last week Bravo! TV’s The Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger announced that she and her boyfriend of three years had split up. Patti got ahead of critics who would doubt her abilities as a matchmaker when she herself can’t seem to find a forever mate. And her statement is spot on:

“I’m a human and I own my issues… But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m incredibly good at my job. I excel at setting people up and helping them fall in love. Look, how many Pro Football Hall of Fame coaches have scored touchdowns in the Super Bowl? Coaching people into winning the big game is a different skillset than winning the big game yourself. I’m really good at being a love coach. In fact, I’d say I’m one of the best. But, at playing the love game myself? I’ve got some work to do and I’m chipping away at it. I know I’ll win my game soon, but until then, I’m going to keep being the best coach I can be.”

It reminds of the phrase “those who can’t do, teach,” and that’s exactly what Patti is doing. She can see the issues other people have and helps them to work on them while finding partners who would complement them — all the while she admits that she herself is a work in progress, setting a great example that none of us should ever stop trying to better ourselves.

I myself have admitted that my divorce, as well as most of my past relationships, made me better at dispensing dating advice. Does that mean I know everything about relationships? Absolutely not. Does that mean my relationship with my fiance is perfect? No. But, admitting that is what makes me — and Patti — good at what we do.

 

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Response to EPM: “Alex”

by Tamar Caspi under 100hookup,Online Dating,Single Life

A response to the Extreme Profile Makeover for “Alex:”

“Thank you for the feedback. I’ll adjust some of what you said and try to get new photos. However, I don’t agree with condensing the profile; I want to stand out from the crowd and not be repetitive. I want to be myself and tell my story instead of having a generic profile. That’s why I went into detail.”

______________________________________________________________________________

Hi Alex,

I understand where you’re coming from; people often feel attached to their profiles, but I do stand by my recommendations. You use LOTS of adjectives, making your profile read as generic, which is exactly what you said you don’t want. Alas, I think we can come to a compromise.

  • First, condense your current answers and eliminate repetition as I suggested.
  • Second, add to a few sections with what YOU bring to the table and how YOU will be a great boyfriend/husband.

Writing a laundry list of keywords you want in someone doesn’t resonate. In order to stand out, go deeper and be more specific. Rather than saying you want someone with a sense of humor, describe what kind of humor would complement yours: is it more Seinfeld/Larry David style, or Friends/Chandler Bing style, or Will Ferrell/Owen Wilson/Vince Vaughn, or Jim Carrey/Sacha Baron Cohen, or ___________???

Finally, I strongly recommend you take my original advice about changing your age range. A 28-year-old man should not have an age range of 18-35. You’re too old for college girls and perhaps slightly too young for a woman in her mid-30’s. My general rule of thumb is a ten year age range for 100hookuprs in their 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s, so at most I would suggest 21-31 for you.

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Extreme Profile Makeover: “Alex”

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,100hookup,Online Dating,Single Life

Today’s Extreme Profile Makeover was requested by “Alex” — if you want your profile reviewed just send Tamar your 100hookup profile name by clicking here.

Profile Name:
I like your profile name — it includes your actual name without revealing too much personal information and has a catch phrase attached. No issues here. =)

Photos:
You need to add a headshot for your main profile picture, not a professional or business photo, but a close-up of your smiling face with your eyes showing. Next, I would advise some rearranging of photos:

  • Move the pic of you in flip flops from third to second place (the full-body shot typically goes second)
  • Your current second photo can be moved to the third slot
  • Delete what is now your current profile photo

The reason I don’t like your current main photo is because it’s too posed with a fake backdrop; plus it’s oddly cropped. Since you talk about family a lot, try and find a casual photo with a family member (or two or three) and add that as your last photo. Make sure you add a caption to identify who is who — and try not to have any female family members around your age in the picture as that can be confusing!

In My Own Words:
I like a lot of what you have to say in your bio, but I do think it can be condensed and edited. You say a lot of the same things in different ways as different answers, and it can get redundant. I understand that you want to make sure a woman knows you’re being authentic, but at a certain point the overkill has the reverse effect. Right now your profile is coming across a bit strong with the “keywords” — something you will understand since you’re in online marketing.

Here are a few quick tips to help you pare down your profile:

  • Cut any sentences that include the following words: honest/honesty, trust, respect, and any variation of the terms desire/adore/cherish/etc.
  • Sometimes less is more and you will prove that you believe all of the above by your actions
  • In fact, you can delete the middle two paragraphs of your “About Me” section
  • And in the “My Perfect First Date” answer, you use the word simple three times: delete the third one and simply say (no pun intended): I want to do something easy

Another way to condense is to not answer all of the questions since many force you to repeat the same answer in other ways. I think you can eliminate “The Things I Could Never Live Without” and “For Fun I Like To” and “I’m Looking For” (or “My Ideal Relationship”).

His Details:
Select “a couple extra pounds” for body type and delete your income.

My Ideal Match:
Delete “A Date” and “An Activity Partner” since you are looking for your wife. Adjust your age range. You are a 28-year-old man, so your ideal general age range should be 22-30.

Finally, when you’re searching, play with the preferences for location since New York City is so populated. You are in the perfect location to find someone, and I think the profile makeover will help you do just that!


Dear Tamar: How Can I Politely Reject Someone?

by Tamar Caspi under 100hookup,Online Dating,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I had a 100hookupr send me an email (he was not my type, and not someone I would want to go out with), but I want to respond to the email as I think it rude not to. He asked me specific questions from my profile. Please help on how I can respond nicely, but let him know that I am not interested without hurting his feeling.

Thanks!

-Polite Rejection

_________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Dear Polite Rejection,

It sounds like your prospect has read my tips on how to write an awesome first email! The flip side is what you’re experiencing — getting that really great email and still not being interested, but wanting to show appreciation for the effort. And that’s exactly what you should write:

“Thank you so much for your email… I can see that you put a lot of thought into it and I really appreciate it. Unfortunately I just don’t think we are a match. I wanted to make sure you knew that the effort you put into the email didn’t go unnoticed, but I also didn’t want to leave you hanging. Best of luck to you in this crazy dating world!”

Play around with those sentences so that it is authentic to your voice. Recognizing the effort and adding a bit of humor at the end will help soften the rejection.

 

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Dear Tamar: Burned After Moving Too Fast

by Tamar Caspi under 100hookup,Relationships,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I am a 65-year-old widower and recently had instant chemistry with a woman. Within days we felt like our relationship was a comfortable old shoe.  The relationship grew quickly — she told me to slow down — I didn’t.  After a few weeks and a few warnings, she terminated the relationship by email.  She refuses to talk or give it another try.  How can I woo her back?

________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Burned,

I suggest contacting her the same way she broke off the relationship — via email. But first, make sure you truly comprehend what happened to bring an end to the relationship and take ownership of it. It seems from your letter like you understand that she asked you to slow down a number of times and that you didn’t listen, but don’t make excuses to her as to why you didn’t listen.

This letter needs to be about all the amazing things you like about her and how she makes you feel and how you hope to make her feel. Don’t make it all about you; if you want her back then it has to be about her — you already made it about you when you ignored her warnings and kept moving quickly when she wanted to slow down. You need to show her that you now understand where she’s coming from and offer to date her rather than jump back into a serious relationship. She may not want to though and you will have to accept that, but it’s worth a try!


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