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I read an interesting article the other day that proclaimed Valentine’s Day as the biggest break-up day of the year?!? Huh? Isn’t this the holiday designated to commemorate romance and love.  I guess Hollywood, Hallmark and gender differences probably don’t help with the pressures and expectations imposed on this day that often send emotions running. 

Some women, hoping for a commitment, are left analyzing what the heck a stuffed penguin signifies in relation to their future. I asked my friend what romantic gesture he did for his live-in girlfriend for Valentine’s Day. When he responded “nothing” my jaw dropped in surprise. And then admittedly, he revealed the bloodiness that transpired as a result of that misstep. Bottom line: assess the strength of your relationship on the other days of the year. Ladies: “in general”, men don’t view this Hallmark-created holiday the same way you do. Cut some slack on this one. Men: TRY to at least do something thoughtful, even small, that you may not normally do. Trust me, it will save you from a dreaded discussion and any necessary band-aids.

Over the weekend, I was reminded that the success of a relationship – despite all the confusion that external forces may bring – is all about the basics.  Are you content and happy when you are with this person?  Is your life better with that person in it?  Would you be sad if that person was not around?  Is this a simplistic way of seeing things? Absolutely.  And perhaps, sometimes, there are circumstances that present more challenges, but for the most part Robert Fulghum’s All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten probably had it right about relationships as well.  The simplicity of it all.  What I do know is my Scotch Tape” (and “rocking chair” for another time) theory. In the beginning of a relationship, there is an excitement and pull (scotch tape) that attaches two people.  Once the lust factor has subsided some, perhaps there are disagreements and the newness and butterflies subside, there is the potential of the elevation factor of what I would call Elmer’s Glue. Is there a strong enough foundation built that allows continued growth and development? Now, if you actually rise to the next level Crazy Glue (Velcro) that is some good stuff. Your partner has likely seen you at your worst with no facades and the bond is so strong you don’t want to imagine life without that person. That Crazy Glue will hold you together during the hiccups and challenging times. From Scotch Tape to Crazy Glue what actually makes relationships stick? Perhaps, it might be just about the very basics because most other things can be worked out.

Last night, over a glass of Pinot, I was catching up with a friend who couldn’t believe the questions that she was asked on her latest date. Hint guys: How old are you? What are you measurements? Why are you not married? If you didn’t know, these are inappropriate questions.

If information is what you are seeking (which is completely understandable), there is a smooth creative way to get all the information you could possibly ever want. Instead of asking her age, you can easily ask whether your date knows your friend from their college and determine the class year and do the math in your head.

As for weight and measurements, I’m not sure why that is important, there is either an attraction or there is not. If being a size two is a mandatory requirement, I would revisit your non-negotiables list.
And finally, my favorite, “Why are you not married?” First off, people who live in glass houses should not throw stones. The same question taunts any singleton. And really, isn’t the answer obvious? The person wasn’t ready or just hasn’t met “The One.” I told my friend that I was positive this was meant as a compliment, but nonetheless the question is nonsensical to most women.

Making conversation in the beginning of a date can be tough. Sometimes nervousness brings out statements or questions you wish you’d never said or asked, and in a Seinfeldesque manner, you chase to get them back. (That is why I always advise to go on a second date.) Try to pry the answers you’re looking for out via dialogue instead of pointed questions; you’ll get the same information and avoid walking the tight rope of, “to ask or not to ask?”

If there was a challenge over who was the sappiest romantic, I might be up there with the best of them. I’m definitely a girlie girl. I cried without restraint as I watched The Notebook for the third time and I truly believe in happily ever after.  Yet, regardless of whether I’m single or attached, having Hallmark dictate when I should be extra “romantic” does not sit well with me. I find it cliché and forced.  Shouldn’t everyday be Valentine’s Day?  Shouldn’t you aspire every day to make your significant other feel special? There is no real reason why flowers, chocolate and specials surprises should mean so much more on February 14th. I hate to be the Grinch who stole Valentine’s…but I think Hallmark and Godiva will survive regardless.

Years ago I was at a gorgeous resort in Costa Rica appropriately named “Mariposa” as it was truly engulfed by gorgeous butterflies.  Fast forward, I recently found myself in a deep conversation with a Latin guy friend who conveyed he didn’t understand NYC dating rituals. Frustrated, he stated people jump and jump, no one stands still for a second to even see if a connection can develop.  If it is not an instant connection, then they’re on to the next. I proclaimed “Mariposa”– like the jumping butterflies.  In a city of attractive and uber-successful people, here’s hoping in 2010 that you take a break from the Mariposa ways, and that you delve a little deeper. You may be surprised by getting some of your own internal butterflies.

I don’t usually write about the specifics of my dating life…as you may imagine, that could hinder it on some level….but this is too fun not to share.  Recently, my date and I ran into Magnolia Bakery to sample their famous banana pudding.  As we had just eaten lunch, a sample taste was sufficient for the moment.

A couple days later, I was surprised by the delivery of a tub (for 20 people) of guess what?  Banana pudding.  Sweet? Absolutely.  Original?  I have received many varied treats through the years, but I never have received banana pudding. All week long as I opened the fridge and stared at this barrel of banana pudding I burst out laughing. How the heck was I even going to make a dent? And that spontaneous by-yourself smile/laughter is what life is all.

A former boyfriend (a hookup FBI agent – who knew they existed – and yes, he always packed heat) in his intelligence officer role once stated to me “Fear motivates people one way or the other”.  A simplistic and obvious comment but one that has stayed with me for many years. I know folks who have committed to their significant other out of fear of losing that person in their life.  On the contrary, I know some who have chosen not to get engaged and give something a chance for fear of getting hurt.

Fear can be crippling and no question having a broken heart is not much fun, but when friends have come to me saddened because a relationship did not take the route they had hoped, as much as it sucks, the mere fact that they were able to “feel” enough to be upset – I think, is a wonderful gift.  All too often, there is so much indifference that exists around us, including in the dating world.  A beat isn’t missed if Mr. Wall Street does not call for a second date, because there always seems to be another possibility around the corner. Especially, in the city that never sleeps.
I guess what I’m saying is the minor scrape or profound bruise that may take several months to heel is worth the possibilities. Because the bottom line is – the chance to be more that indifferent does not happen that often, no matter where you are. Face the worst-case scenario (being hurt) and though it may take weeks or months to feel in a good place, the band-aid will eventually come off and the potential upside is way too great to not risk being engaged.

New resolutions abound and generally for singletons this involves a renewed focus on fitness routines and their love lives.  Personally, I’m not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions.  It is never a bad idea to reflect and make changes but shouldn’t these changes occur at the moment of recognition as opposed to Jan 1st?  Though, Harry (Billy Crystal) in When Harry Met Sally made his proclamation on New Year’s Eve, his words of honest vulnerability is heart melting. “I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” I digress, I guess the point being is that rather than waiting for serendipity to happen the real power is to make the “choice” to make it happen whether on January 1st or any other time. “Choose” to play relationships out and see what develops rather than going on the continuous merry-go-round of dating. In any case, come January 1st, gyms are a lot fuller now with a lot of folks on the scene hoping to meet their lobster.  Here’s hoping that you build those buns of steel and, as for the merry-go-round of dating, you get off that ride as soon as possible.

Happy Resolutions and New Year to all MOTs.

..blared from the Hurricane Disco as we danced around like inebriated teens having a great night.  After five nights of 100hookup’s Bahamas trip, I am officially now detoxing.  A week of fun, sun, tennis and new and old friends was exactly what the doctor ordered.  A shout out to the Brits and Philly boyz who kept us amused and in stitches, and a special shout out to Charlie’s Angels who made the week so much fun…it wouldn’t have been the same without you guys.

So what’s next when you are no longer in the “resort no-worries” mentality with the new-found connections? First, a lot of friending on Facebook and then comes Monday when we all go back to the daily grind and get caught up in life’s routines. On this trip I met some incredible friends and I also have witnessed the beginning of several romances (T and M keep me posted, my fingers are crossed). It’s all about next steps as we dive into 2010.  Happy New Year!

This morning I had “blunch” (breakfast that ran into lunch) with an ex who has become one of my most favorite friends. Yes, it does happen on occasion.  As I relayed my dating stories and expectations that I have for those I date (which by the way, I think are basic common courtesy expectations), his response was, “Get over it or date someone from the South, then.”  Be prepared to teach some. His point was that my courtship expectations (calling versus texting and the other blunders) aren’t deal breakers and can be taught through communicating with your partner.  Perhaps.  But more importantly and insightfully – he said, “Why don’t you focus on what your date needs to make him feel safe and want to invest in you emotionally?”  Hmmm…I guess all too often maybe we forget to see things from the other person’s perspective and give off the wrong signals as we are only focused on our date meeting our own expectations. Admittedly, all too often I’m quick to say “done, he didn’t do yada yada…”  I guess my next date gets to benefit from my ex’s advice and my new experiment…Let me think about him and his perspective…(rather than just I). “I” think if we all did this perhaps there would be less frustrated singles and more happy couples.  Things that make you want to go hmmm.