Archive for January, 2015

There are lots of cues that help you navigate a date. By both knowing how to read these cues and knowing how to give these cues, you can hopefully determine the fate of a date.

If a date asks to meet for drinks/coffee/tea/juice, give it a fair shake — even though it’s not the commitment of a dinner. If you are interested in continuing getting to know each other after the cups are empty, and your date suggests ordering food or taking a walk, that means they are interested in you. If your date touches your arm, that means they are interested in you. If your date makes plans for a second date before the first date is even over, that means they are interested in you.

If you don’t see those cues, but are interested and want to see if your date is as well, then you need to send the right cues. Suggest grabbing a meal or taking a walk. If your date makes an excuse, then chances are they are not interested and you have your answer.

Unless… if your date says they have something to do or somewhere to go… but says they want to make plans for another date… and then follow through by calling you to make those plans… then the excuse was probably legitimate and you should accept the next date, and also accept that your date is interested in you.

Remember, dating is a numbers game. Just because drinks don’t turn into dinner, or there’s no call the next day for another date, that doesn’t mean you should get yourself down over it. Most first dates will not turn into second dates, and that’s okay. If you are interested though and your date is sending the right cues, make sure you aren’t losing out on a date because you don’t know how to read them!

Way back in 2004, when I was a student at the University of Chicago studying Sociology of Religion, I got the crazy idea to use hookup dating sites as a data set for social research. Not having access to the database, I could only search like any other end user, which naturally restricted what I’d be able to find. This was a thoroughly tedious process, and what I did manage to uncover was — in my opinion — trivial and pointless.

Since then dating sites have grown in their popularity and robustness, and “Big Data” is a field unto itself. Unsurprisingly, we now have the book Dataclysm: Who We Are (When We Think No One’s Looking) by Christian Rudder, a founder of OkCupid who turned one of the world’s largest dating sites into a gold mine of social research. Rudder found some fascinating trends among Americans, not just in terms of dating approaches, but in terms of personal preferences and identities across geographical and racial lines.

Using this Big Data might even help some people with their approaches to dating, online or otherwise. Amy Webb describes in her TEDx video how she “hacked” 100hookup, taking meticulous records and using spreadsheets to spot trends in her own life. The knowledge of these patterns allowed Amy to better focus her energies and give her the maximum chance for success.

Obviously, this sort of thing isn’t for everyone. Many of us don’t have the time, patience, or inclination to start collecting random data, let alone trying to make sense and find the few metrics which actually do make a difference. However, even if opening up Excel gives you anxiety attacks, keep in mind we’ve all amassed some degree of data from our experiences. We meet people and hit it off with some more than others. We know the types of people we’re attracted to simply because we’ve been attracted to them. It’s not unreasonable to work “backwards” to figure out what’s really important to us. If you keep a journal, you even have a record of how you felt at that time, unbiased from the retrojections of however you’re feeling in the present.

It’s probably not a horrible idea to periodically check in with yourself for a dating-inventory. Hopefully, we have continued to mature over time and what might have “worked” for us five years ago might not be relevant to who we are today. The advantage of Big Data numbers is that they can often show us what we’d rather not see ourselves. On the other hand, it also means sometimes being honest and self-aware can be the best algorithm for finding what we need to know about ourselves.

Hi Tamar,

Can you give me some insight into the Secret Admirer situation on 100hookup? I’ve only been on the site for a week, but this game already has me so off-keel that I’ve started blocking everyone whose profile shows up in these things because of the likelihood that one of these people is playing games and wasting my time (I read a blog post by another JBlogger saying that when he gets these Secret Admirer messages he says yes to everyone, regardless of whether he’s interested in them, just to find out who’s interested in him — if that’s the case, I’d rather not ever show up in that person’s list of potential Secret Admirers, so I block my profile from showing up in their search feed).

Is there a way to step back from this nuclear option before I block everyone? Even if I didn’t block the guys, but just ignore the messages, I’m potentially turning away people who might actually make a good match, or at least a fun date.

HELP!

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Dear Strung-Out on Secret Admirer:

You’ve blocked everyone who selects you as a match on Secret Admirer? Oy vey! First you need to start with un-blocking everyone. You have no idea which guys were possibly playing “the game” and which weren’t… and now you’ve systematically eliminated all of them!

Do some people treat Secret Admirer like a game? Sure. But, why is that so bad? If you take it seriously, then what is there to lose? If you don’t want to think about who is possibly playing the game and who isn’t, then just wait and let any matches email you first. Try not to let a simple algorithm get the best of you. Dating is frustrating enough without complicating things that are supposed to make it easier!

Dating can be pretty emotionally draining. Let’s face it – regardless of your age or gender – there’s a good chance you’ve experienced a roller coaster of emotions, from the high of a hopeful new prospect to the low of rejection. Or the excitement of receiving a new message… then the disappointment of realizing the person looks nothing like their picture! With so much emotional whiplash, it’s tough to remain grounded, calm, and hopeful.

“I am grateful for the sun, my dog, and coffee…”

To help focus on the positive and prevent freak-outs, I offer one suggestion (that I, myself, could really take to heart!): Practice gratitude.  To me, gratitude is more than just feeling grateful, although this is a big part of it. But, it also evokes qualities of humility, kindness, and empathy, which are generally attractive to everyone.  And it combats entitlement and unhappiness, which are definite turn-offs! Several studies have shown that practicing gratitude can improve emotional health, your mood, AND your relationships. So it really can’t hurt to try, can it?

Here are 3 simple ways to show gratitude:

1. As Jews, prayer is a major way we can show appreciation. Speak to G-d in whatever language you prefer, from anywhere in the world.  Or go to a synagogue – I’m sure someone saying kaddish would love to have you help make a minyan.  It really doesn’t matter if you know how to daven or not – the point is to pause and appreciate the food on your plate, or the clothes on your back, or the fact that you woke up this morning!
2. Gain perspective. You might be going through a rough patch, but notice what happens if you start to see the glass as half empty, not half full. Are you feeling jealous or jaded?  Try focusing on really appreciating your friends.  Lacking good friends? Be grateful you have a job. Don’t have a job? Appreciate your good health. In poor health?  Be grateful for being alive! No matter what’s going on, things could be worse.
3. Appreciate others. Tell someone why you are grateful for his or her friendship. Give your date a specific compliment that’s not about her looks. Let your new boyfriend know specific reasons why you’re grateful for his company.  This might win you some new friends, but it will make you feel good about yourself, too.

If I were to read this post after just getting dumped, I’d probably roll my eyes and dump a bowl of ice cream on my head because it’s really hard to feel grateful when you’re in a bad mood.  But, that’s exactly the time when you need the benefits of gratitude the most.  If you practice gratitude all the time, it will become second nature and you’ll be able to more easily apply these strategies when you’re feeling down and out.  And no matter what you’re feeling, consistently expressing gratitude will help you to stay positive in the dating process, gain some perspective, and exude a positive, open vibe.

Hi Tamar,

I wanted to know if you could look at my profile and tell me how to improve it? Or if you see any issues. I really toned it down regarding my interests in green living/organic food and would love your opinion!

-Green Guy

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Hi Green Guy,

After reading your profile it seems that you eliminated nearly all mentions of green living and organic food, and if that is important to you then you need to make that clear. Someone who doesn’t care about their carbon footprint and prefers junk food is not going to be a good match for you and you need to make that clear so you don’t waste either of your time. You don’t have to go into it too much, simply mention in you ‘About Me’ that you are passionate about those two things and would love to meet someone else who is as well.

While you’re at it, here’s a few more tips:

• Add more photos! You only have three — and just the first one shows your face clearly, yet your head is covered and it’s in black and white. Add more pictures of your face! Have a confidant help you out, or email me some options for my feedback!
• Add what you do for a living (you don’t need to add your income level though). By skipping this question your profile comes off as kind of sketchy.
• Tighten your age range. You are 32, you should not be open to dating both 18 and 35-year-olds. 24-35 would be a good age range for you.
• Read over your ‘In My Own Words’ answers and correct any grammar and formatting issues. Prospects can get lost trying to read sentences that don’t flow and it can give off the impression that you are not educated or are inarticulate. The tip here is to go back and proofread your paragraphs after the 100hookup approves them; sometimes changes happen during that process. You should also have someone else proofread your paragraphs to make sure you didn’t skim over anything.

Happy JDating!

As my own nail polish chipped away this afternoon and I hid them embarrassed in the checkout line of the supermarket, it makes me think about what if I was single and had a date tonight? Well, if I couldn’t make it to the neighborhood salon for a manicure, or at the very least a polish change, then I would make sure to remove the remnants of the color I had left and go out bare fingered. In fact, I would make it a priority because unkempt hands are seen as a reflection of you — your health, your home, and your life.

This does not only apply to women, men too need to take care of their hands. Make sure your nails aren’t ragged and that you don’t have jagged cuticles. Just like men, women see well-kept hands as a sign that you take care of yourself and that you are put together.

Now, I need to log off and go find my nail polish remover!

I’m going to get personal for this post, not because I think anyone really cares about my personal life, but because I don’t think my story is all that unique and maybe someone out there can find something useful.

Do you need to respect what a prospect does for a living in order to be with them? Does someone need to be at your same level career-wise for a relationship to work? Would you date someone in the service industry or retail industry if you’re a corporate attorney? What about someone who is a freelancer? Would you date a woman who dreams of becoming a stay-at-home mom?

In theory, none of these sound like an issue, but money is one of the top sources of distress in relationships… and when there is an income disparity, problems can arise. Unless, of course, you have respect. Do you respect your mate for working 40+ hours a week, even if they aren’t making as much as you or working at a job as high-powered as yours? Would you respect your mate and see them as an equal for staying home to take care of the kids and “not working?”

In the end, it really has nothing to do with how you spend your day or how much you earn, but if you have mutual respect and appreciation for each person’s contribution to the relationship as a whole.

Let’s discuss something that’s been on my mind lately.  I don’t want to scare anyone away, but I’m talking about the M word… and it’s not marriage or money – it’s maturity! In the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Relationships” (which I just made up while writing this post), I’ve self-diagnosed several instances of what I’ll call Non-Syncing Maturity Levels (NSML).

More on NSML in a minute, but first, a few defining features of this unfortunate malady. When I say someone is mature, I mean he or she possesses a set of skills such as the ability to communicate effectively like an adult, to not be overly judgmental or heavily influenced by peer pressure, to use manners and common sense appropriately, and to see the world realistically and practically – basically, skills that teenagers tend to lack but are typically solidified in those with more experience.  In my opinion, maturity has very little to do with money, interests, looks, career, or personality – it’s more of a quality that you pick up on while getting to know someone.  A person can love comic books and laugh at the Three Stooges but be pretty mature (hey, Dad!).  Conversely, you can own a house, car, fancy clothes, nice job, have a great education, and still spend years texting girls “hey, wuts up” at 10pm.  Additionally, a person can be mature and also fun, spontaneous, and creative; similarly, one can be intelligent, reliable, and get drunk every night while refusing to learn how to pay bills.

Here’s my point:  I don’t care what level of maturity you have.  I’m not ascribing any qualitative judgment to any particular level on the maturity ladder. You could be in a committed, fulfilling relationship with someone who, by my definition, is pretty immature.  But, the problem of NSML occurs when you are on one rung of this metaphorical ladder and the person you are interested in, dating, or committed to is on another.

So, Caryn, you may ask, how can I avoid the frustration associated with NSML? Well, there are no guarantees, but it’s as simple as first figuring out where you are (or want to be) on the maturity ladder.  Then, seek out dating partners on the same or nearby rungs.  To identify your level, ask yourself questions like: “Do I frequently throw temper tantrums in public?” or “Am I capable of making everyday decisions without relying on the opinion of my Twitter followers?”  As far as I know, there is no current search function on 100hookup to narrow your matches by maturity; however, I think this is something that you can feel out in a few dates. So if you’re a 45-year old guy reliving his frat boy days, you may want to think twice about messaging the girl who loves Emily Post. However, if you find that girl who loves Tucker Max, well, I hope they serve beer at your wedding.

An interesting article ended with the following (edited for brevity) stanzas:

Hot is admired from afar; beauty is to be held.

Hot is perception; beauty is appreciation.

Hot is smokey-eyed; beautiful is bare-faced.

Hot is an appearance; beautiful is more than skin deep.

Hot is a strong appeal; beautiful is strong mind.

Hot is youthful; beautiful is ageless.

Hot is conventional; beauty is unique.

Hot is a state of being; beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Hot is a text message; beautiful is a love letter.

Hot is a facade; beautiful is a woman.

It sometimes is difficult to separate lust from love, but if you can describe what it is about a person that you are attracted to, and determine if it would land in the “hot” or “beautiful” column, then you may be closer to making the differentiation. The article is basically asking if you are looking at your date — in this case a woman — as a sexual object or with respect? Do you love how she looks more than who she is? Think about it.