Archive for April, 2013

It is very difficult to force myself to write a post with my fiancée lying beside me.

Do I write about how to date successfully? I am pretty sure I am supposed to, but I’ve been blessed with such good looks and white teeth that I don’t need to know how to date. I just show up to places and people just give me things. Dates. Money. Financial tips.

I think I have this burden where I’m supposed to use my knowledge after 200 something blog posts about dating to help people out. Since I know nothing about dating, maybe I could have spent the last 2+ years helping in some other way instead of just jacking around. I could have told you guys that brushing your teeth works most effectively if you wet the brush before and after applying the paste, or I could have told you that ear plugs work best if you wet them before insertion. I think most of my advice stems from wetting things before using them. Maybe those two things are just coincidence.

But no, I don’t believe that I am very good looking, but I work every day to make sure that I’m at least presentable, whether it’s before seeing my future wife, going to work, or even going out to eat by myself. Caring about how you look can do wonders. If you have low self-esteem, you will still have low self-esteem after a shower and a shave, but you will smell better. Nobody has ever disliked anybody that smelt of Irish Spring and Old Spice.

Hi Tamar,

I am an attractive, divorced woman and I get a lot of emails on 100hookup. I only answer the guys that I am interested in, but what drives me crazy is that when I answer them, they don’t answer me back! Why would they email me to begin with?! It just doesn’t make sense to me! Do you have any idea why?

-Dumbfounded Dater

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Hi Dumbfounded Dater,

Ahhhh the mysteries of dating. There’s never a good explanation nor is there ever one single answer as each person has their reason for not responding, just as you most likely don’t respond to the guys whom you are not interested in (and those men are left wondering why).

The reasons I’ve heard are quite varied: they heard back from someone else before you and started dating, they didn’t like your response, they had emailed all the women who fit their preferences and only narrowed it down after receiving responses, they decided to take a break from 100hookup, and finally, the kicker — they’re just not that into you. I know that last one sucks because you’re getting so many emails with no results. The only comfort I can give you is that everyone has the same experience at some point. You are not alone. Whether you meet guys at a bar, through friends or on 100hookup they will ask for your number and not call or call once and then not call again or will text (ick) and then not follow-up. All singles have gone through this.

My suggestion would be this: email me some of your messages with your responses so I can decipher if the guys weren’t being genuine in their initial emails or if your responses were turning them off for some reason. Provide me with your profile name as well and I can take a look at your profile and photos and give you my feedback.

-Tamar

I’ve learned large fragments of stranger’s lives stories while sitting, alone, on my couch sifting through text messages that read more like short stories than quick back and forth “what’s up” banter. While getting to know someone through text message chatting before going out with them on an actual date is helpful and a great first step, too much “foreplay” with text messages can be an easy way to turn someone off.

Do: When texting someone you’ve never met in person, it’s perfectly okay to dabber in conversation over how their day was and to go back and forth, for a little, in order to get to know some of the things they enjoy and a few things that are important to them. When it comes to the best time to text someone, do so in the same hours that you’d communicate with your parents. Would you ever text your mom at 2am? Apply those same rules with date texting.

Don’t: Save your life stories, your epic monologues, your day to day play by play for the in person conversation. Don’t divulge in excessive texting of a person you’ve never met before for three main reasons: they may not get your humor before they meet you and be instantly turned off, it’s best to save some game and hot topics to speak about when meeting in person, and too much texting may make it sound like you’re placing them in a ‘friend zone’ with no intention to set up an actual date. Keep the texting to a minimum and to just a few days, then, go for the gold and ask the person out.

Read more Jen Glantz, here: www.thethingsilearnedfrom.com

Get an Extreme Profile Makeover

Tamar Caspi Shnall is giving online profile makeovers. Today she’s tweaking the profile for “Silvia.”

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Hi Silvia,

Well, you know how I feel about numbers as your profile name — it is a terrible indication of how creative you are and how much effort you’ve put into your profile. One idea that comes to mind for you is an alliteration of the first letter of your name — S. So… SingleSilvia, SuperSilvia, SilviaSeekingSomeone, SilviaSays, and so forth. Or turn it into something more descriptive about you — GlamGram, NotYourTypicalBlonde, FloridaGlamma, I could keep going but I think you’ve got the idea!

The pictures you have are really nice. Since the first 2 are the same, I’d actually eliminate the first one and make the second one your profile picture because it’s slightly more in focus. The next photo makes you look quite different than the others so it could also be on the chopping block if you don’t have anything else to supplement. The last with your grandchildren is beautiful, but add a description that they are in fact your grandkids. You look great, and not just for a woman in her 60s! So add more photos showing off your youthfulness! Since I already suggested eliminating one and possibly two then you need to find at least two more to add, preferably one showing your full body.

I appreciate that you kept your “In My Own Words” answers short, simple and sweet, but I would add a little extra so that it doesn’t seem as though you breezed right through the questions without putting any effort into it. In “About Me” add a bit about how many kids and grandkids you have and how long you’ve been divorced. Then add something about your passion for your work or another hobby to round it out and direct the reader back to you and away from your history. Is there anything else you can add to what “I’m Looking For” to embellish it? Maybe… “A companion in a life filled with passion and joy” or something of the sort. Again, in “My Ideal Relationship” it sounds like you want a best friend because you don’t mention anything about a lover.

All your details are completed and you have a nice age range. The only item which stood out to me is that you describe yourself as Modern Orthodox but then say you only keep kosher at home and only go to synagogue on some shabbats. Maybe this should be addressed in About Me as it is confusing. Otherwise, I think by creating a profile name, adding a few pictures and adding some more description you should be well on your way to a successful 100hookup experience! Good luck!

When I die, which will be sometime, all that’s left of me will be the memory of how much of a jerk I was. My eulogy will consist of stories about that time I stole that chocolate milk, and that time I hit my friend in the head and then locked him in the closet. It will be a beautiful service.

I think that people start families so that not only will they be seen as good people with family values, but also if they’re horrible, they can produce people with their spouse that are only genetically half the jerks they are. If you’re a jerk, you will probably stay alone forever and die. However, if you’re lucky enough to find someone, not only will you extend your legacy to another generation, but you won’t die alone.

I didn’t think about any of this when I met my permanent lady friend. I say ‘permanent lady friend’ because if I use the actual word for ‘woman I am going to marry’, I have to use that accent over the ‘e’, and that takes forever. Meeting her, and our relationship up to this point, has been much more organic than deliberate. I am the oldest of three, and I am glad that finally by age 29, I found someone to spend the rest of my life with, and perhaps extend my genes.

However, I have to take things step by step. I must go shower.

Get an Extreme Profile Makeover

Tamar Caspi Shnall is giving online profile makeovers. Today she’s tweaking the profile for “Anna.”

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Hi Anna,

Although I appreciate you creating a profile name, only half of it is really unique. It’s not a bad profile name, but if you can add another word at the end rather than a string of numbers it would be much better.

I really like your assortment of pictures, but I strongly recommend adding a description to each photo to either say where you are (if you’re alone) or which placement you are in a photo full of friends and what you’re doing. You have great photos which show your personality and how active you are, so add a short blurb to give more detail.

Most of your “In My Own Words” paragraphs are good. “About Me” seems to be missing a few words and could use another line or two to describe more of who you are, why you’re on 100hookup and what you’re looking for in life. Less is more, yes, but a little extra will only help. Otherwise the rest of your answers are great!

Your details are thorough and your Ideal Match choices are broad enough. Your age range is wide but as a woman in her early 30’s I think you need to venture into the early 40’s. Even if it’s just by a year or two. And if you do happen to be on 100hookup through your next birthday then you should increase both your minimum and maximum age by a year each.

I also recommend completing Likes & Interests by selecting even just a few items from each multiple choice category. If you’re still not having much success after making these tweaks then you should also make sure your preferred area is wide enough as well. Since you live in the Bay Area, don’t narrow down your miles surrounding San Francisco too small but expand to include Oakland, San Jose, and so on. Select the 50 mile radius at minimum, a 100 mile radius would be even better. Good luck!

Just the other day, while on my way to meet a strapping gentleman for our first date at a restaurant in Chelsea, I found myself flustered and in a bizarrely terrible mood. I was running over 15 minutes late, stuck on a conference call for work, and though I had enough time to take a shower I didn’t have enough time to dry my hair, forcing me to exit my apartment with a wet mop of tangled split ends resting awkwardly on my head. When I finally stumbled my way into the arms of my date for a friendly “hello”, I was still huffing and puffing and feeling like a 5”7 catastrophe.

I noticed that when I started unloading my hectic day on the salad plate of my date, he began looking soggy, uninterested, and unsure of what to say or to do to cheer me up. I realized this complainer was not who I was! I quickly apologized and vowed to never again unleash these kinds of dragons during first impressions. Instead, I decided that next time I’m faced with chaos before a date, here is how I will deal with it:

Do: If you had a tricky day, call a good friend before you head out on your date and spend a few minutes venting to them. You should always try to put your best peep-toe forward when marching into a date, so a good a venting session will help clear your mind and bring you back down to earth.

Don’t: Leave your problems at the door. If you had a terrible day at work, just got into a screaming match with your darling parents or are finding yourself overwhelmingly tired, check these things with your coat and don’t bring them with your handshake when you go to meet your date. It’s okay to allude to them briefly, in a joking matter, mentioning the tough day you may have had, but why harp on it? The point of a first date is to get to know someone, so show off the things that make you energized, happy, inspired and motivated on a daily basis.

Read more of Jen Glantz here: www.thethingsilearnedfrom.com

You’re on 100hookup looking for a relationship and meanwhile you’re probably looking at other couples and thinking: “when I fall in love I’m not going to gain weight like everyone else does!” Well, that’s easier said than done. Once you start dating someone seriously a few things tend to happen — you go out to eat more often, you choose to hang out with your new beau rather than hit the gym, and you sacrifice sleep for the sake of staying up late at night to talk. Those three things are the perfect storm to gaining love weight in the beginning of a relationship. It’s not impossible to avoid, but be prepared for it to happen. Chances are, both of you are gaining said weight so both of you can work together to lose the respective pounds too, but in the meantime you can try to order healthy without coming across as an anorexic, you can fit in even 30 minutes on the treadmill or on a run, and you can choose to put your zzzzz’s before your xxxxx’s and oooo’s. In fact, this way you will draw out the lovely honeymoon stage by making yourself ever so slightly unavailable for the sake of your health. No prospect will fault you for that and in fact, it will only be respected. If you still end up gaining the love weight, have fun doing so together and then bond over shedding it together as well.

Get an Extreme Profile Makeover

Tamar Caspi Shnall is giving online profile makeovers. This week she’s tweaking the profile for “Mara S.”

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Hi Mara S.,

You have a complete profile which is very helpful when tweaking! I’m not in love with your profile name, although it has your name in it there’s no excitement or originality to catch a prospect’s eye. Starting off with your name is great but try to think of another word to attach to it to make it stand out and describe you better.

I like your profile picture and the subsequent full body photo, but I would much prefer they be two different photos rather than the profile pic just being a close-up crop of the full body. Keep it as your full body pic and use it as your profile pic until you take another really good close-up. I do like the other 5 photos as they show a consistency in your look, your fun personality and your family. Try to find a fancier, sexier top to wear for your close-up as there’s a lack of skin in your photos. Not saying you should put the goods on display, but a hint of sex appeal is necessary.

As for your “About Me” I think it’s way too long. I like what you say, but there’s just too much. I would keep it to the first two paragraphs and leave the last chunks of info for email correspondence or first date conversation. I’m glad you address your family situation and state that you are not looking for a replacement father for your sons or for financial support for your family. You are simply answering concerns which you know are out there when you’re a single mom.

All the other paragraphs are great up until “I’m Looking for” and “My Ideal Relationship” which again I think are a bit on the long side. There are also a few typos which I recommend fixing because each time I read through your paragraphs the typos made me stop for a second to figure out what was wrong with the spelling. I really love your “My Past Relationships” line though, short and sweet but most of all, honest.

Your age range is great and there’s nothing else in “Your Details/Ideal Match” that stands out except for the lack of response in the category of if a man “Wants Kids.” I understand why you didn’t answer it, but since everything else is addressed, this stands out even more.

I think your profile is pretty close to complete, just a few tweaks here and there, particularly having less of an essay and adding a sexy photo. Good luck!

Okay so some college basketball player recently and horrifically broke his leg. I’ve broken my leg several times, and though it wasn’t nearly as painful as his must have been, nor was it televised, it still hurt very much. This guy is getting a lot of deserved sympathy. Will he be able to play again? He had a very promising future. I actually have no idea. He could have been the worst player of all time. I have no idea.

I think my point for this new pointless post is that in order to gain sympathy, you have to be really good at something. When I broke my foot in junior high by landing funny on my sandal, the only attention I got was from my friend who laughed at me as I limped back into his apartment and cried. Sports radio stations did not discuss my debilitating injury, nor was I on the front page of cnn.com. However, the next day at school, I did gain some sympathy from some of my female classmates until I noticed them looking at my Hershey’s bar in my hand. I’m not man candy! This chocolate is my last bastion of happiness that I’m desperately clinging to until I can lock myself in my room and glue myself to the television.

This theory remained constant throughout adulthood. Sympathy is only evoked if you have other redeeming qualities, and I can’t always carry around a Hershey’s bar. I’m not made of money. Actually no, that’s completely wrong. Most women have hated me, despite any unfortunate circumstances that have come my way. It wasn’t until I met my fiancée that I realized that sympathy is not a tool to use for self-esteem. Instead it is a mutual thing to help both people realize not just their codependence but also their fusion as a coherent whole.