Archive for February, 2013

Get an Extreme Profile Makeover

Tamar Caspi Shnall is giving online profile makeovers each Monday. This week she’s tweaking the profile for “Nice hookup Boy.”

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Luckily I know what NJB stands for (Nice hookup Boy), I hope girls do too because otherwise your 100hookup username is a bit confusing. Although tacking your city on to your username was a good call. Acronyms are not always smart to use in your screenname (or your “About Me” spiel) because some initials can be taken the wrong way, while others will leave people dumbfounded. Adding your city to your username is smart because a person’s location search parameters can be cast wide — and this will remind them where you live.

I really like your photos — lots of different angles and different lighting, plenty of close-ups with a few full body shots — good job with that. Since you have friends, especially girls, in your photos I would add the captions underneath to describe who it is in the photos with you. Beautiful women in men’s photos can be intimidating (and same goes for the reverse — handsome men in women’s photos) so let 100hookuprs know if it’s your sister, or a friend’s wife.

Your “About Me” paragraph is simple and to the point. Since you mention traveling as a new love, I would update and add new places you’ve visited after each trip. Adding the ages of your niece and nephew is tricky because you will have to update as they age. Updating is good, however, because it adds an “updated” badge to your profile. Still, being slightly more generic (ie “preschool-age niece and a nephew who’s a toddler”) is better for these purposes. You can be more specific on your dates! I especially like how you ended your essay with a bit of humor. Women like a man who can make them laugh. Good job.

I recommend expanding upon the “I’m Looking for…” and “My Past Relationships” sections (even if it means just adding another sentence). Answers for these questions can be cliche, but you’re not giving the question enough credit by only writing a few words.

I appreciate that you’ve filled out nearly all your “Details” as you’d be surprised by how many people don’t! The only two that are blank ought to be completed. As for what you’ve selected for age range, I would impress upon you to add two years above your own age for your maximum age limit. Even if you would never (and never say never) date or marry a woman older than you, you can’t make assumptions based on just a year or two. Additionally, women who are viewing your profile will be encouraged that just as you are open to a woman 10 years younger than you, you are also open to a woman a few years older.

I hope these slight tweaks help! Good luck!

The best part about being on 100hookup is having other friends who are on it as well and can fully understand what you’re talking about when you start to vent and run away wildly into an online dating story.

The other day my friend was telling me about how she met this guy on 100hookup and things were going smoothly. I nodded my head in happiness and sighed with a bit of jealousy, hoping that one day soon I could say the same. But then she told me after each date she texts guys saying, “Thank you” and that she “had a lot of fun.”

My eyebrows immediately raised and I let out a giant, “WHAT!” I had always thought it to be girl code that you wait until the guy texts you first after the date. My friend, who is a couple of years younger than me (but obviously a few years wiser), told me no way—that is how you lose them!

She couldn’t be more right.

Do:

• Tell someone you had a good time with them — both in person and then after — via a thoughtful text or a quick phone call. There are so many anxieties that cross our minds before, during and after dates. Alleviate the tension, the guessing and the what if’s through positive affirmations — if you are indeed having positive feelings.

Don’t:

• Hold back. You took the giant step of putting yourself out there, and then, you took an even bigger step by going on blind dates with people you’ve briefly conversed with by chomping down sentences on your keyboard. If you promise yourself not to hold back, to break some of those age old rules, you will have nothing to lose.

Read more advice from Jen Glantz here.

Friday morning post-Valentine’s Day… are you waking up in bed next to someone you barely know because you got lonely and a bit depressed yesterday? Did you drink too much last night and lower your inhibitions and end up going home with someone who would never normally in a million years be your type? Did you let some silly Hallmark holiday get the best of you?

Friday morning post-Valentine’s Day… did you spend the night crying into your bowl of butter-lovers popcorn mixed with peanut m&ms and hot tamales whilst watching “Sleepless in Seattle,” “Ghost” and “The Notebook” moping about how you’d rather find love and lose it than never love at all. Did you let some silly Hallmark holiday get the best of you?

Regardless of which scenario you fall under, shake it off and move forward. You’re better than that. Consider it one last binge-and-purge before starting a healthy diet. You got it out of your system, now slap a smile on your face and take to 100hookup with a new-found attitude. Send me your profile name and I’ll be happy to help in Monday Makeovers. Just do something positive and proactive so that you are spending V-Day with a loved one in 2014. And if not that’s not what’s in the cards for you then at least make a pact with yourself that you’ll party it up with your friends and not let a silly Hallmark holiday get the best of you.

If you check Twitter, Facebook, your email, a dating site, an adult film store, or your local big box retailer, you’ll find aisles upon aisles dedicated to Valentine’s Day goodness. It’s a big deal, and great for the service industry (as you can take our your misery or happiness on happy hour)!

Why is Valentine’s Day so important? Why is there one day focused on showing affection to your spouse, or picking up another single person at the local “Stoplight” party? Why is Target only selling pink, red and white M&Ms? Did Kobe and Shaq kiss and make up two nights ago so they wouldn’t have to go out together tonight?

Valentine’s Day is a holiday that’s grown in popularity over the past 50 years, and in terms of retail holiness for Jews, might be entering Hanukkah territory (admit it, when have you ever seen a Rosh Hashanah movie on TV?). On a national scale, it ranks up there with Christmas, New Year’s, Halloween, and July 4^th as the most Instagrammed holiday of the year… per statistics that I made up.

With this increased importance, is it time for us to replace Columbus Day as a national holiday with Valentine’s Day instead? If someone recently suffered a break up, and their depression is too much to stomach at work, shouldn’t they be granted a Valentine’s Day off to watch timeless romantic classics like Love Actually, When Harry Met Sally and Space Jam? On the other hand, shouldn’t the government grant us an “Intimacy Day” due to the fact that we have a “demographic cliff” problem in the USA, as the birthrate is declining?

Think of the impacts this could have. Singles, married people, and people in all other types of relationships will be able to fully recover from their depression/euphoria/taking a hit to their bank account by having a day off from work and will come in fully rested and ready to work on February 15 — excited that their next day off is President’s Day in just a few days.

Anything good that has or will ever happen to you is hanging by a very thin thread. At any moment, you could die in so many ways, the love of your life could leave you, you could lose all of your wealth, or your internet and cable television could go out yet again because you settled for Comcast. Nothing is for sure except regular urination and death, and even that is not secure if you have something wrong with your bladder or kidneys.

Don’t get too comfortable. I know this and am never comfortable. No matter how good my life seemingly gets, in the back of my mind I know I could lose it all in an instant. Yes, it helps me take nothing for granted, but it also takes up the majority of the hours in the day. Is it worth it? Probably not. Can I help it? I cannot. Will we all eventually die anyway? Yes.

Maybe after a certain amount of time with the love of my life, I will realize she’s not going away. Until then, I will continue to experience constant heart palpitations, back sweats, the inability to speak, and a lot of forehead scratching. Maybe there’s a certain amount of time that G-d’s making me live through before I can experience this. There is only so much more I can take.

I shouldn’t complain, though. Life is good. I have the best girlfriend of all time, a great job, and Tums I haven’t had to use in over a year. I have to lay down, though.

Every season there’s a b*tch on The Bachelor. This season, Tierra takes the cake. She outdoes every previous villain in Bachelor franchise history. But (once again) it does lend some advice for dating.

First, who you are with your partner should be the same person you are when he or she is not around. If your mate only gets to see the fun, happy, smiley, peppy side of you, then he or she is not seeing the reality of who you are. Not everyone is cheerful all the time. And if every time you do cry or complain it has to do with other people hating on you, then don’t be surprised when your significant other is suspicious. No one is perfect all the time so don’t bother pretending to be.

Second, if you don’t have friends, then that’s a problem. Ladies without girlfriends and men without guyfriends are an issue. You have to ask yourself why you don’t have friends of the same gender because your mate is going to wonder why eventually as well. Are you difficult to get along with? Do you intimidate others? Do you always think everyone is attacking you or judging you? The older you get, the more important friends are (particularly friends of the same gender), so it’s time to make an effort because it’s both good for you and your relationship.

Ahhhh the things you can learn from The Bachelor!

I’ve seen some bad things in my life. I saw a kid get hit by a car. I saw an entire season of Repo Games. I saw myself in the mirror three years ago. Up until last night, I have never seen anything as bad as the writing that went into the live production of Sesame Street that toured through our city.

I have pretty high standards when it comes to Sesame Street and The Muppets, and I won’t tolerate any B.S. I spent my entire early childhood glued to Sesame Street. So much so that my little brother would often try to mess with me while watching and I once ripped his head off. The doctors had to surgically reconnect it. True story.

Granted, it’s been a few years since I’ve seen it, and I really only went last night because I wanted to watch my girlfriend’s daughter enjoy the show. Also, I didn’t pay for the tickets. Also, I got a soda. Also, I got to spend time with my girlfriend. Also, it was an Elmo-centric show, and Elmo is easily one of my top four Sesame Street characters and top nine Muppets. I didn’t have high expectations, because I figured it would be geared towards two-year-olds. But for the same reason that kids’ movies have some adult undertones, this show should have at least had some sort of a plot.

Instead, it was characters dancing and singing about nothing, with each segment having nothing at all to do with the preceding or proceeding. The show was loosely centered on the idea that Elmo stole Abby’s magic wand. However, even this didn’t make any sense, and it was just an excuse for Elmo to dance around with a wand and make magic things happen like lights go off and then on again.

They played a lot of the classic Sesame Street songs, which were great, but they also played some other songs. I don’t know if these are Sesame Street songs that have been written within the past 22 years, or just some crap they threw together for this show, but I rather would have just heard the song “Sing“ played nonstop for an hour and a half.

Also, this is just a little gripe, but Cookie Monster did not eat a single cookie. As an adult, I often question why a children’s television character’s single characteristic is his love for cookies, especially in the midst of a childhood obesity epidemic. However, it’s Cookie Monster. There’s no going back. If he’s going to be in the show, which he damn sure should be, feed the guy a cookie.

For those reading this who do not live in Texas (or Memphis where they have a Kosher BBQ cook-off) the Kosher Chili Cook-Off is a big deal in Dallas, Austin and Houston. Around 50 teams in Dallas and 20 in Austin prepare diligently, starting at 8am. They cook for hours, and won’t stop till the final vote is cast at 3pm to make sure they make the best chili and procure the most amount of votes. One kosher ingredient can make all the difference.

Every team starts with the same amount of meat, around 18-22 pounds of it, unless, of course, you happen to be on a vegetarian team. What ingredients you use next is up to you, just as long as it stays kosher. Many people spend days searching for the perfect recipe and then working out the math to make sure the amount of other ingredients correlates to the amount of meat provided. There are certain rules of chili cook-offs to abide by, like don’t cook all the meat at once, and don’t put all the jalapenos in at once, so children and the elderly don’t burn their mouths eating it. You win with a combination of great chili and a personality that endears you to the general public.

Dating is the same way. Regardless of what you think, everyone starts on the same plane, with the same amount of meat (relatively). It’s the ingredients, and your presentation, that make all the difference. Everyone buys vegetables, and chili powder, and some cumin, but what else? What sets you apart? For the chili example, our team used Dr. Brown’s Cream Soda and pineapple, giving it a tangy taste, combined with the loads of spice we put on there. Additionally, we managed to be a highly personable team, conversing with literally everyone that came by our tent and screaming wildly after someone put their vote in our bowl.

What makes you different when it comes to the dating scene? Sure you may workout five times a week, graduated magna cum laude from some school that starts with H and ends with “arvard,” and spent your childhood playing polo on the weekends with Bill Clinton, but what else? You certainly have some solid ingredients, but which one stands out when you play the dating game? When people think of you, is the aftertaste in their mouth, “Oh, he’s just a polo player from Harvard” or “He’s an engaging guy with an interesting background that not only includes that weird game called polo, but he also has tried every item on the McDonald’s dollar menu.”

Dating and the chili cook-off. You have the ingredients, so how do you combine them to achieve the best possible result?

1. Adam Levine Fills In For Nicki Minaj

Alicia Keys had to replace Nicki Minaj for her song “Girl on Fire” at the Grammys last night. However, we think the audience was happy with the stand-in singer for this duet as the replacement was Adam Levine!

The hookup crooner took to the stage with his band to perform “Daylight” before Alicia Keys joined them and the duo launched into a duet of “Girl on Fire.”

Levine Tweeted his excitement before the show, writing, “Extremely excited for the @TheGRAMMYs tonight! Performance is going to be EPIC. And I kinda really wanna win one. Ok? Just one will be fine.” Unfortunately, Levine did not win a Grammy last night, but he definitely won over audiences with his performance!

2. Maurice Sendak Posthumously Publishes New Book

Although Maurice Sendak died last May at age 83, the beloved children’s book author still has one more volume on the way.

My Brother’s Book was written as a tribute to Sendak’s older brother, Jack, who died 18 years ago. Published posthumously, this book places two brothers in a fantastic world where they must confront separation, longing and reunion.

Sendak’s most famous works include Where the Wild Things Are, In the Night Kitchen and Outside Over There. The hookup author is said to have revolutionized children’s books by adding an element of danger and intrigue to a traditionally safe genre.

3. Bynes Tweets Badly

Amanda Bynes is taking the gloves off when it comes to her Twitter account. The 26-year-old hookup actress Tweeted an insult at Jay-Z earlier this week.

According to E! News, Bynes wrote, “Ugly face” as a caption on a picture of Beyonce’s husband and then posted the pic to her Twitter account. Bynes deleted the photo within minutes, but not before some of her followers had a chance to respond.

According to US Weekly, one Twitter user wrote, “Wow. Rude Amanda!” Another commented by Tweeting, “I wish I knew what your thought process was behind this.” Jay-Z has not yet commented.

Why is this day different from any other day? A day where love birds bat their eyelashes on top of one another and gallivant around providing an ungodly amount of PDA that’s seriously crowding your comfort zone.

You may find yourself asking that Passover-like question this week as the glimmering red tissue paper and stuffed bears haunt you as you’re just trying to make it through another Valentine’s Day — alone. But it doesn’t have to be that way. For us, the ones who are on a holy quest to find a mensch that can warm their frosty winter heart (as much as a quick slice of pizza can), it’s day that warrants us to feel special.

I’ve spent Valentine’s Day squeezing teddy bears filled with chocolate given to me by my parents, on first dates at fast food restaurants, over a glass of Pinot with good friends, and even, occasionally, face-to-face with some ice cream cake while turning the pages of a book of Neruda poetry. Whatever it is that will make you feel extraordinary, do it. It’s just one day out of the year that you absolutely deserve to be dazzled, just like everyone else.

Valentine’s Day Dos:

• Ask someone out for a rendezvous on Valentine’s Day (even if it’s a first date) and make them feel as special as you would on any other date.
• Add a little bit of flair with a single rose, a selection of chocolate, or any other type of simple acknowledgement that here you are, together, on a day that’s designed to make people feel exotically special.

Valentine’s Day Don’ts:

• Sit at home alone and sulk.
• Send messages out of desperation to an enormous amount of people online because you are eager to experience any type of in-person connection on this holiday.
• Consume too much wine, chocolate, or episodes of Sex and the City (alone).
• Turn down a potential suitor just because you find it “pressuring” to go out with them on Valentine’s Day.

Want to be my Valentine? Contact me here: www.thethingsilearnedfrom.com