Archive for September, 2011

Many people that struggle with online dating continue to struggle for long periods of time. 

They mainly struggle for one of two reasons.  Either they continue to make the same mistakes over and over again and refuse to seek help, or they are seeking online dating help from the wrong people.

The only way to improve something that is broken is to fix it by learning the correct way to fix the problem.   If you don’t take the time to learn, things will not change. 

However, some people attempt to learn online dating advice, only to find themselves struggling the same as they were before, if not more.

This is because most people who provide online dating advice are writing things that sound good in theory, but either have little real world value, or they are only writing articles because it is their job and they need to fill a deadline.

My recommendation is to learn from the best.  Find people you know that have been highly successful.  Research people who are acclaimed with positive feedback from people whom have used their systems and ideas.

 Learning from the best is the only way to get better.  So weed out all that online dating advice and start making some genuine progress.

Lunch dates are infinitesimally better than coffee dates, but are still second fiddle to weekend night dates. If you’re going to go on a daytime date, then it needs to be on the weekend so that you give it the opportunity to continue on into the night when it’s going well. If you plan a date during your lunch break at work, you’re only giving it a 60 minute chance. I know it gives you a sense of security knowing there is a non-negotiable and mutual end to your date, but you’re only going to end up feeling rushed. Plus, your mindset is that of someone at work, and you’re dressed business-like, so it will probably end up feeling even more like a job interview. Leave those quick catch-up meals for when you’re in a relationship.

It’s been two days since the apocalypse. Judgment day has passed. Sinners have been punished, and the righteous were flown to heaven on angel wings. My most awkward moment from a life filled with uncomfortable silences and even more uncomfortable silences was pretty anti-climactic. Long story longer, a girl from 100hookup who stopped talking to me when I was fat and started talking to me again after I lost some weight, happened to be running a wedding of two very good friends of mine. Before the wedding, we went on a date that didn’t go too well. Afterwards, I told her I’d let her know when I lost some weight.

So she was at the wedding, but we were friendly-ish and successfully avoided each other for most of the night. One minute I’msitting at my table with my best friends, the next minute I’m lying in my bed, wearing a suit with a t-shirt over it, with two pairs of boxers on. Also, most of the items in my room are completely trashed. Since I couldn’t remember the end of the night, I asked my bestie what happened. She answered that I should get tested for an STD. After that, she said nothing. If you only remember two things before you die, one should be the knowledge that you should never tell an OCD patient that he should be tested for sexually transmitted diseases and then not tell him anything about what happened. She wouldn’t answer me when my OCD-induced panic kicked in, and I hurriedly tried to reach anybody else that went to the wedding.

I woke up the next morning at 5:30 am after a night filled with dreams about dying covered withback sweat. I went to work, but all I could think about was whatever horrible disease I had contracted during a night I didn’t remember. My friend finally called me and told me that she was just kidding. Hilarious.

Many people that sign up for online dating ignore just how useful your photo galleries can be. 

The common attitude is, “If I put up some pictures of myself that I look good in, I’ve done my job.”

While this may be effective, many of you are missing a huge opportunity.  Your photo galleries have the ability to do so much more than merely present you in a way that makes you visually appealing.

Photo galleries have the ability to tell the story of your life.  There is only so much you can say in words with your profile.  And not only that, but they are just words.

With your photos you can prove it!  Show off your exciting sides, your fun sides, your serious sides, etc.

Use photos that hit on some of the ten levels of attraction that I write about in my online dating book.

Bottom line:  Don’t blow all the opportunity that photo galleries bring.  Rookie online daters fear them.  Master online pick up artists embrace them and use them to their full advantage.

I’m anti-coffee dates for first dates. A coffee date sends the message that you don’t have faith the date will succeed and therefore don’t want to waste your time, money or effort. You’re not willing to risk your Friday or Saturday night, you’re not willing to take the time to get dressed up and you’re not willing to shell out the cash for a nice dinner. A coffee date only has to last as long as your Tall Mocha Latte, and if you arrive first you can go ahead and order for yourself eliminating the awkwardness of dealing with the bill. There’s less pressure, but it affects your mindset of the date, and that’s more important. I know you’re probably burnt out and have limited time available, but this is your Beshert we’re talking about — if he or she isn’t worth more than coffee, then (s)he is probably not your Beshert.

• Where were you on 9/11? @100hookup is donating 36% of subscription purchases tomorrow to @tuesdayschldrn #weremember #

I am a woman who loves sports. It seems obvious enough to assume that men would love a woman who love sports, but – here’s the catch – men don’t want to marry women who are obsessed with sports. It may sound sexist but it’s true. At one point I could count dozens upon dozens of guy friends who would have no problem watching the big game with me and they would be impressed by my knowledge and they would tell me I’m their idea of a perfect girl… but I was single. Because the truth of the matter is most men may say they love a girl who knows her sports, but they really want a girly-girl.

These guys saw me as their really cool female friend. The keyword here is “friend” and the lack of the word “girl” preceding it. We would spend all day Sunday and after work on Monday nights during football season at a sports bar. I received the mass text all the guys got letting us know where to meet up to watch the World Series games. I felt accepted into the exclusive boy’s club and therein laid the problem: I was now one of “the guys.” No girl wants to be one of the guys because then they stop seeing you as a girl. And if you’re a single girl, that’s not a good thing.

The tables finally turned a couple years ago when I had the audacity to leave during the sports version of Mecca: football and the World Series at the same time – because of Yom Kippur. That’s when I realized there are other things in life besides sports and that included religion and dating. I could still be that sports-savvy chick but I needed to prioritize. Who wins the Red Sox-Yankees game is not a matter of life or death, living the rest of my life single and dying alone is.

And then I met Gabe. Gabe had tons of traits I was looking for, including loving sports, and loved that I loved sports but still saw me as a lady. It sounded perfect… on paper. Gabe took having a sports-knowledgeable girlfriend as a challenge. Whereas I was trying to tone down the tomboy in me, he was trying to compete in a “who knows more?” game. He would reel me in with trivia and then argue the answer running to his computer to prove me wrong. He was “the man” and there was no way a girl could know more about sports than him. He liked that I knew sports but he liked being right even more, even if it meant making me feel dumb. This side of him was such a turn-off that I had to break it off. I didn’t want to be that sports-crazed person anymore and I didn’t want to date one either but I also wasn’t willing to completely give up something I loved to find a man.

My husband loves the NBA and the UFC and doesn’t care for much else sports-wise (he likes to say he is bored to tears by baseball). I love the NFL. So since we don’t have a common sport, we found other hobbies to enjoy together. I go to football games with my Dad leaving my hubby to do his own thing and no longer let a game on TV interfere with a meal together or taking advantage of a beautiful day outdoors. It sounds weird, but I feel like by not letting sports rule my life, I’ve let love in its place. I no longer have the urge to talk smack to the guy in a Raiders jersey, and I don’t feeling like I’m missing out on anything. In fact, by realizing that sports isn’t everything, I’ve actually gained even more.

Kids, I am about to experience the most awkward situation of my life. The Countdown to this moment is set for 72 hours from now. I’ve worked for this my entire life. All of the times I called Erica in junior high and asked her to go out with me. All of the times I nervously walked around and pretended that I was okay being the only person without somebody to slow dance with at Bar Mitzvah parties when I was not okay with it at all. All of the times I was in a movie theater with Sarah (that one just happened once).

Now kids, in order to understand the upcoming awkward encounter, we have to go back a few months. Maybe six months. Let’s say six months. Six months. I was about 60 pounds heavier, and my 100hookup pictures reflected that weight discrepancy. It was relatively more difficult to receive and maintain a conversation with a girl. I managed to talk to the same girl via IM several times, until she looked past my main profile picture that made me look a lot less fat. After she saw all of my pictures, she bolted and I didn’t talk to her again.

After I lost a good amount of weight, I changed my profile pictures. After the new me surfaced, the same girl initiated an IM with me. This was unprecedented. Was she only talking to me because I was thinner? Probably. Did I care? Nope. We talked several more times. We soon learned that, coincidentally, she was going to be in charge of the food at the wedding of two good friends of mine in a couple of weeks. We then planned a date together. I took her out to eat and see a movie. It was fun. After the date, I texted her thanking her. She didn’t respond until I texted her again the next day. She responded saying something along the lines of wanting to be just friends. Though it was pretty much what I expected, and I was certainly used to that rejection notice, I impulsively shot her a text saying that I would let her know when I got thinner. She asked why I said that, and I didn’t know really. We both somehow decided to be friends without really meaning it.

Anyway, the wedding is three days from now, and though this situation does seem like a crock-pot of awkwardness, anything involving myself should be taken seriously. Actually, it might not be awkward at all, unless, of course, she reads this post, which is entirely possible because I told her on the date that I was a blogger for 100hookup.

The other day I was talking to a guy who went on an amazing date with a woman he met online.  She was beautiful, funny, and perfect all around.

To make a long story short, his date informs him that she is extremely close with her family.

She texts and calls her mom a few times every time they are together.  As time goes on, this goes from a little quirk, to just plain annoying.  It’s one thing being close with family, but to deal with this multiple times every few hours adds up.

And while he does not want to hurt her feelings, he wonders if this should be addressed.  When is enough ENOUGH?!

Is he wrong, or is too much family love a problem?

Dear Tamar,

I am 61 years old but I honestly look younger and I’ve been through menopause and therefore my sexual appetite is on the wan.  The point is many men my age hint at the fact that they want a woman who is open to intimacy but they can only think that way because they have a magic pill — we don’t have a magic pill! How can I even begin to think about dating?

Dear My, Oh, My Menopause,

Menopause is something most men have no idea how to deal with. The hormonal swing sucks big time and your priorities in what you want in a partner definitely shifts away from something sexual. After a certain age you look for a companion and you can’t assume that all men just want sex all the time. Give them a chance, take your time easing into a relationship and hopefully the sex will come naturally and the enjoyment will come from the connection.