Archive for April, 2011

Dear Tamar,

I just recently started dating, this is my first experience in life, and I’m 40 years old. Because of many reasons I didn’t feel comfortable putting my real age, so I created a profile as a 38 year old woman. And guess what? I met an amazing guy, and we’ve been together for almost 6 months; he is 54, and he is always honest about his age and everything else. He asked me several times just as part of the conversation, and I keep confirming my wrong age, because I simply cannot say the real thing. It’s funny, but I just cannot do it for such a long time. And I want to be completely honest with him… so now I don’t know what to do and how to approach this issue. How to handle this situation? I think that this will spoil our relationship.

Dear Lying for Too Long,

Yikes, it sounds like you’ve had many opportunities to tell your boyfriend the truth and I’m not sure why you didn’t come clean then. And since he keeps asking, I’m pretty sure he probably already knows. In 6 months I’m sure he’s been able to sneak a peek at your driver’s license or do the math of when you graduated high school. At 54 years old, I bet he’d be happy to hear that you’re closer to his age. Funny thing is, at his age and assuming his age range preferences, you probably would have met him anyways! Your boyfriend may be upset at first because you have, after all,  lied to him for six months, but I bet he’ll get over it. It is only 2 years. I think the best way to confess is to be perfectly honest. The next time the subject of age comes up, just tell him. It will be awkward at first, but if you tell him exactly what you told me — you felt you needed to lie in order to meet someone and then you met him and things just happened so fast you didn’t know how to tell him the truth. And now you want things to move on to the next level with him so you had to come clean. Add that you know it may not be easy to digest but that you hope your relationship is strong enough to survive. Again, it’s only 2 years! Hopefully he agrees with me. Good luck!

Make no mistake about it.  Online dating is one of the greatest gifts a single male walking this earth has ever been giving. 

In the past men, were so dependent upon external factors in order to find themself in a successful relationship.   They either had to get lucky by meeting someone in their daily life, have people set them up, or go out looking endlessy at bars, nightclubs, etc. for a date.

Times have changed.  Unfortuntely, there remains one myth and that is that finding a relationship will be easier online than in real life.  The truth is, while the opportunity is much greater, since we can attempt meeting women any time of day, any time of week, the effort still has to be put forth.  Especially if you are a male.

This is mainly because there is a lot of competition out there for the top quality girls.  You will have to do things that make you stand out and push you way beyond the competition, to get you noticed, and proceed to build attraction.

Sound difficult?   It’s much easier than you may think.   As long as you put the work in, though, and learn how to be successful at online dating, finding a relationship will happen.  And when it does, the hard work will be worth it!

Since I have a crazy and fluid job, which is difficult for many people to understand, and a bank account that is in desperate need of a Government bailout, (if anyone has Ben Bernanke’s direct line please email it to me) one would rightly assume that the chances of me going out on a date with an attractive, successful lawyer were slim; however, I proved all the skeptics and naysayers wrong when I recently went out on a first date with such a woman.

We texted during the day and ended up choosing an Urban BBQ restaurant for dinner that was near her apartment in River North, which is a very trendy area just north of the Loop. I left work around 7:15pm and picked her up promptly at 7:45 so we could make our 8:00pm reservation. The restaurant was just under a mile from her apartment so I quickly navigated through the city before beginning the (often times) laborious task of searching for a parking spot. Since the weather was cold and rainy I was praying we would get lucky and find a spot within a block or two of the restaurant, and after driving around for just a few minutes we fortunately did.

Now, for those of you who are unfamiliar with how parking throughout most areas of Chicago works I will explain our system so that we are all on the same page. Essentially, a few years ago, the city privatized all street parking, and the company who bought the right to charge for parking tore down all the old-fashioned parking meters and replaced them with pay-boxes. Tall signs with green writing and arrows indicate where pay-box parking is allowed, and if you find a spot within one of those designated areas all you have to do is simply find the closest box to where you parked and, using coins or a credit card, purchase up to two hours worth of parking time.

After parking in a coveted pay-box spot that we had found about two blocks from the restaurant I bought my ticket and placed it on the curbside area of my car’s dashboard. With that exercise completed, we briskly walked through the elements to the restaurant and had a lovely dinner. The food was excellent, the conversation was interesting and she seemed to be having a very nice time. Even though throughout much of the dinner I felt slightly uncomfortable since she was obviously an independent, successful women and I’m, well, me – a financially limited, work obsessed– albeit dashingly handsome–College Basketball Coach, I tried to remain confident and be myself.

Anyway, so we have a nice time at dinner, and after taking care of the check we leave the restaurant and head back to my car so I can drive her home. During the short walk I debated in my head how I wanted to play things, and tried to figure out what was my best course of action in asking for a second date. Yet, I was abruptly forced out of my daydream and back into reality when we turned a corner and, wouldn’t you know it, my car wasn’t there. In a moment straight out of the classic stoner comedy, “Dude Where’s My Car?” she literally turned to me and asked, “Matt where’s your car?”

For whatever reason the first thought that came to mind was that we had parked further down the block, but it didn’t take much of a “Spidey Sense” to realize that we were standing in the spot where my car should have been. The next thought that jumped into my head was that my car had been stolen but the fact that I own a 2004 Mitsubishi Lancer with two missing hubcaps and several cosmetic scrapes on the sides was probably a pretty good indicator that it hadn’t been jacked. Furthermore, while I was contemplating what type of individual would be desperate enough to steal my car, my date noticed a sign at the end of the block, which we had missed when we originally parked, indicating that while I was in a valid pay-box spot, and was not over the time that I had paid for, I was unfortunately in a spot that was designated for taxi cab parking only between the hours of 5pm and 2am.

Whoops.

As it sunk in that my car had been towed, while on a first date, no less, I remained remarkably composed and calmly pulled out my phone in order to find where I could retrieve my displaced automobile. Even though she felt terrible, and was very sweet and understanding about the whole ordeal, I figured the best thing to do was put her in a cab home, bail out my jailed car and try to forget about how, at the last second, I embarrassingly blew my chance with a successful, attractive lawyer.

In my last blog entry I discussed the importance of creating a great online dating profile if you are a male.  While writing these may not be fun, it is extremely important to women and can make or break you.

But this raises the question:  What exactly makes an online dating profile high quality?  There are a number of things that you can do to make yourself stand out from the crowd.

1.  Learn the art of strong language use.  Try to write things that make you appear to be a strong, confident male, and avoid weak lanuage and clingy sounding statements that so many males accidentally use.

2.  Incorperate methods that build on attraction.  Branching off the first suggestion, not only dowe want to appear strong and confident, but we want to implement qualities such as demand, value, mystery, etc. that increase attraction levels in females.

3.  Show a little humor.  Most profiles say the same thing over and over and over and over and… Okay you get the idea.  Show a little humor, especially witty, funny humor.

4.  Be conversational.  Engage the reader through your writing.

These are just a few tips I usually write about to get you started.  Good luck!

I have gone out on a lot of first dates with women whom I have met online during the past 6-months and it was during my most recent date that it occurred to me: I tell certain stories, and facts about myself, that I almost always divulge during the course of a date. Whenever I’m on a date where we go out to eat I always mention before we order that 1. I like to share food, and 2. The story of how I became a College Basketball Coach (which is completely fine-tuned). I also tend to break out the same stories when asked about my family, college, close friends or job. While I don’t try to necessarily steer the conversation toward these topics the way a politician might try to control the course of an interview so that it best fits the prepared answers they are most confident with, many first dates involve similar questions and topics of conversation.

Personally I think that there’s anything wrong with retelling many of the same stories, or sharing the same personal information on each first date, since everyone is going to react with differently. Furthermore, how a date will react upon learning these things about me isn’t always the same, and therefore the conversation might take any number of turns at that point, including them asking me more questions on the subject, sharing their own similar stories or changing the topic of conversation all together.

Some might view this approach with skepticism and believe that my general demeanor on first dates is apathetic or even condescending, but I would respond by saying that first dates are introductions and there are only so many things you are going to say during that first meeting. For me it is important that I always feel comfortable during a first date, and will often go with the natural flow of conversation. Of course, having this approach means that I tell many of the same stories and facts about myself since I know going into the date that I’m comfortable saying those things to pretty much anyone. From there, how much more in depth I talk about my life depends on how the date is going and whether or not during the course of our interaction I feel comfortable enough to let more stories and facts about me naturally flow out.

Dear Tamar,

I’ve been on 100hookup before and received plenty of interest in the form of IM’s, emails and the like. I’m back on this site for a third time, and I am getting no replies to my profile. Everytime I log in my inbox is empty and I get no messages when I’m online. Moreover, when I email or IM men whose profiles I like, I don’t get any responses! Is there something I can do about my profile to make it better? I’m starting to lose confidence (and hope!) because of this! Anything you can suggest would be very much appreciated!

Dear Repeat 100hookupr®,

Sorry you’re not having any success this go ’round. I’m sure you’re totally frustrated but try to look at your profile from a different perspective. If you’re not getting ANY messages or responses than there’s something immediate that’s turning men off instantly. Actually, that’s an easier fix than most. This means your main photo may not be showing you in the best light or your first sentence may be off-kilter. Change those 2 things up and use a trusted friend’s opinion and approval beforehand and I’m sure your luck will change. In addition, take the opportunity to make sure the men whom you’re trying to attract are appropriately suited for you in age range and other categories.

How do you stand out in your About Me essay? Make sure your first few words are catchy because that’s what people can see in searches, don’t overuse cliches and try to use descriptive and colorful language.

This isn’t a business proposal and doesn’t need to be stiff and conservative. Although dating may feel like a job interview you can’t treat it that way. Lay it all out on the line because you have nothing to lose. It’s better to go too far and then edit and reel it in a bit rather than not go far enough. You can’t expect someone to read your blurb in the tone you wrote it, so you need to exaggerate and emphasize. Write your profile as though you were talking to your best friend – casual, relaxed, funny, friendly – times 10.

This is the time you need to sell yourself. If you’re funny, don’t just say “I have a sense of humor” say “I promise to keep you laughing all day long.” If you’re smart, don’t say “I’m a genius” say “I’ve never lost at a game of chess, but I’ll let you win and let you think you won.” If you’re successful, don’t say “I’m rich” say “I’ve worked really hard but now it’s time to settle down and enjoy life.” (Or any variation of these phrases.)

Everyone is “looking to share the rest of my life with someone,” but how can you say it in a unique way that expresses your personality? Maybe “I want to fall in love with my best friend, someone I can golf with, watch “Top Chef” with and root for the Patriots with.” This shows your interests and hobbies without just listing them and conveys the same message.

Simply put, you need to stand out – starting with the first few words and going from there. Keep the energy up, have someone who will be honest with you read it and allow them to critique and edit it if necessary. And remember, this isn’t the time to get offended – your loved ones want nothing but the best for you!

Millions of men that sign up for online dating spend almost all of their energy trying to find the perfect pictures, and trying to write women the perfect messages.  Don’t get me wrong, these things are tremendously important.  However, while it is great to make your messages and profile pictures as intriguing as possible, many males completely neglect the importance of writing a great profile.

The truth is, it’s easy to understand why men would overlook this.  It isn’t exactly fun for most men out there to sit down and try to create the perfect profile.  Unfortunately, life isn’t always fun, and creating a profile that builds on many different levels of attraction and interest is extremely important.  Especially for men.

Why?  Because the female thought process tends to work as follows:

First a women looks at your message.  If she is intrigued she will move on to your profile pictures.  If your profile passes the test she will then move on to you your written profile.

Your written profile is the final point at which she will make her decision.  Create one the right way and you will succeed.  Fail to deliver and you may just find yourself striking out. 

Bottom line: always take the time to create a great online dating profile, while using all the most effective profile building techniques  possible.  It is critical to success.

The best part of my day falls somewhere between three and six o’clock p.m. as I exit off of Interstate 10 West onto 610 South.  People that are not from Houston probably don’t know what I’m talking about, and people that are from Houston will also not know what I’m talking about.  What am I talking about?  This is what I’m talking about.

As soon as you merge onto 610 South, you hit deadlock traffic.  It probably makes most people angry, but it relaxes me.  First, I conduct a social test by cutting people off and then waving at them to see if they wave back.  I don’t want to sound sexist but, so far, no women have ever waved back, and about 15% of men wave back.  This is very unsettling news for anyone who had any preconceptions that women are friendly.  They are ruthless, cell phone-toting demons hell-bent on denying men satisfaction in any capacity they can.  Here, they do so by not waving back.  

I also spend my hour in traffic looking into other cars and imaging what kind of lives the people inside them lead. It is weird that it was not until I typed this that it at all seemed creepy.  I don’t stare into other cars.  I just glance.  If I see a woman driving a car, I always think, in the back of my mind, that she will glance back at me, see me, and drive her car straight into mine, causing a collision that she would be more than happy to make up for by treating me to a nice dinner and a movie and then marrying me.

I have a very bad habit that I’m fully able to acknowledge is a very bad habit; however, I still can’t seem to break this very bad habit. I’m fully aware that I need to stop comparing the women I go out with to a specific ex-girlfriend that I dated for a long period of time, and went through a difficult break up with almost two-years ago yet, up until my date yesterday, I still did it.

It could have been because I had a long day at work, or maybe it was the fact that I was running late and thus rushing to make it on time, or maybe it was just a change in the weather, I don’t know, but in any case my date yesterday was the first time I went out with a woman and didn’t compare any aspects of the date, or her, to my ex-girlfriend.

Of course I don’t expect that if I see this woman again that I will never think of my interactions, or perhaps eventual relationship, with her in comparison to my past one; but the fact that I didn’t do it on our first date was encouraging. At 27, I am well aware that I am carrying some substantial baggage but, then again, so are the women who I go out with and for both of us that’s okay.

Perhaps it’s strange that I compare the women I go on dates with to an ex-girlfriend, and certainly I’m not going to announce this to any of them, but perhaps the fact that I didn’t do it yesterday signals that, while I’ll never forget my ex-girlfriend or our relationship, I’m ready to stop using her, and us, as the standard for my relationships moving forward.