Archive for November, 2010

She says one day! He says two days! That guy says five days! And I want to call her right now!

It’s the age-old question:  How long do us guys have to wait before actually calling the women that we just had a date with?

Let’s face it; we don’t often meet somebody that we are highly interested in calling.  Finding the perfect match is tough.  It’s very rare to go out on a date, hit it off, and daydream about all the happiness that this person may bring us.  Maybe that’s what makes us guys stress all the more when we do finally find someone we want to call.

As the legendary Vince Vaughn once said in Swingers (a must see for single guys out there just getting out of a relationship), “Call too soon and you just might scare off a beautiful baby that’s ready to party.”  We certainly don’t want to look desperate or too needy, as this is always a turn off for women.

On the other hand, we don’t want her to slowly lose all the great feelings and emotions that we created on our first date to be forgotten if we wait too long.

Ask five people and you may get five different answers.  So what’s the answer?

While there is no advice, my answer … drum-roll please…  Call the next day or two days at most.  Surprised?  The reason why is because online dating is a completely different animal than most forms of dating.  With online dating there is a ton of competition.  You may have had a great date but the emails are going to keep piling in for the person whom you hope to meet again.  The longer you wait, the more time someone else may have to swoop in…and the more she may think you are not interested and emotionally move on.  We must always remember online dating has to be treated differently than under normal circumstances.

Besides, waiting has become so cliché and obvious at this point in time.  Calling the next day separates you from everyone else out there in a good way.

So what do you think out there? Are you with me ladies!?

My friend Jonah called me the other day asking me for advice. He was meeting a 100hookup at a bar and she was late… really, really late. Jonah arrived at the dive promptly at 9pm and almost immediately his cell phone rang. It was his 100hookup calling to say she was running really late –she was coming from dinner at her parent’s and not only underestimated how long it would take to drive across town but had also ran into traffic. She was apologetic and called twice more to update him as to her whereabouts and ETA. However, after more than 30 minutes of waiting, Jonah left. He didn’t call her to say he was leaving; he simply got up and walked out.

As harsh as it sounds that he left the bar when she was obviously hastily trying to get there, I actually agreed with his actions. Thirty minutes of waiting is enough at this point – even though she was calling – because it was rude and a waste of his time to be sitting there watching the door, getting really frustrated. I told him though that if she were to call and continue to be apologetic and wanting of another date, he should accept and mercilessly tease her about taking advantage of hookup Standard Time (JST) when they finally met. Since she did, in fact, call a few times to let him know she was running late and sounded genuinely sorry, he should without a doubt give her a second chance. I told Jonah that it wouldn’t have been the end of the world had he shelved his pride and impatience and waited 15 more minutes since she was updating him, but I also understood why he left when he left in the way he left.

If your date doesn’t call to let you know he or she is running late until much later that night or the next day, then I wouldn’t give him or her a second chance. That’s simply inconsiderate and a huge clue as to why the person is still single. We all have cell phones nowadays so there’s no excuse not to call. Letting people (dates, family, friends) know you’re running late is a sign of respect.

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Dear Tamar,

I was dating this guy for the past 3 years in an “open” but committed relationship.  He had a lot of issues, but the biggest one is that he all of a sudden wanted more children and I cannot have children. I agreed to “open” dating as long as there’s honesty and that we would tell each other if either of us met someone else.  It took some prodding but he finally admitted  he was going on a date with another woman. At that point I realized “open” dating wasn’t for me and that I couldn’t continue in this relationship. He is insisting we be friends but I said NO. I am truly having a difficult time getting through this. What do you think?

Dear Drama-Rama,

You said it yourself, this guy has a lot of issues (I deleted the information for privacy’s sake, but you and I both know what they are and you should receive an award for making it 3 years!) and I think you are waaaay better off without him. I don’t see the need to be friends with exes, especially one that disrespected you. I think a clean cut-off would be best, both for you to get over him and for him to realize that he can’t treat people the way he treated you.

I also don’t believe that agreeing to “open” dating ever works out. Someone always, always, gets their feelings hurt. It’s one thing to be dating other people before you have “The Talk” but it’s quite another thing to see other people and not think you’re going to get jealous. Next time, either make the commitment to a guy or don’t, but this messy middle area should be avoided. Good Luck!

Often times in basketball, coaches call timeouts to make corrections, stop another team’s momentum or because they are generally upset with how their team is playing. In dating, however, I think it’s sometimes alright to call a timeout even when things are going well for you.

I had been active with online dating through emailing and going out on first dates for a while before I met someone who I ended up dating for about two and a half months. Our relationship ended about two weeks ago and at that point in time I realized that I had to decide between a) diving right back into emailing with people and going out on dates, or b) taking a little time before slowly becoming active again with online dating.

After thinking about it for a few days I settled into option “b” since I thought I needed to gradually re-enter the world of online dating. I decided on this approach because I think that you need to be fully committed to dating and be completely emotionally available in order to really make the experience worth your while.

In the end, I would have loved to jump right back into things and keep being an active dater, but I knew that I couldn’t do that right away and that I was better off calling a quick timeout before getting back into the flow of things at my own pace.

We met at a Bar/Bat Mitzvah party.  We played this game where we held hands, and then spun each other around in circles until one of us let go, throwing both of us painfully backwards into the metal benches that were behind us.  Once recovered, she asked me to slow dance.  It wasn’t my first slow dance with a girl, but it was the most awesome.  She held me really close and we danced cheek to cheek.  It made me feel things in places that I had never felt before, and I absolutely wanted more of it.  She gave me her phone number, assuming that I had talked to a girl on a phone before.  Well, I hadn’t.

I wrote a script for myself before calling.  I needed to write down potential conversation topics because I could literally feel the awkward silence even before I picked up the phone.  This was before we had to type in the area code first when making local calls, I think.  I nervously picked up the phone and punched in the phone number slowly.  7..7..1 ..7..4..8..8.  (That’s not her number anymore.)  She picked up and said, “hi.”  “Hi!” I said.  I looked down at my notes.  “So Clinton sure likes to have sex, huh?” I said.  I didn’t even have anything about Bill Clinton anywhere in my notes.  What?  Why would that be the first thing that I would say…to anybody?  “You’ve never talked to a girl on the phone before, have you?”  she said.  I answered with the same answer I gave her after she would later ask me if she was the first girl I ever kissed.  “No way, I’ve done this plenty of times.”  Then, ten minutes of silence followed.  “So Clinton, huh?”

Clinton is long gone from the White House, but I am still petrified of phones; even when talking to friends or family members.  Phone conversations make me very uncomfortable, and I don’t think I will ever outgrow that.  The only thing that makes me more uncomfortable is talking to my parents on Facebook® (previously AOL Instant Messenger®).  Whoever you are, I would much rather text you or just talk to you in person.  I’m not anti-social; I’m just anti-phone call.

If there’s anything I’ve learned during my years of online dating, there are more than enough crazies out there.  Honestly, I don’t even know where some of these people come from; it’s like I’m dreaming sometimes.  Are you really going to show up as a person that is a COMPLETELY different person than your picture and think I won’t get angry?  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love women of all shapes, colors, and sizes.  But if you’re a 5’2, 110 lb Oriental women in your pictures, and show up as a 5’9 white Russian lady that’s 240 lbs., it’s not exactly a sign that you are entirely in touch with reality.  In fact, I may just run and not turn back.

With dates like these, it’s pretty easy to walk away at the end of the date without a second thought.  A simple, ‘it was nice meeting you,’say goodbye, and most likely head straight to that cell phone with your, “you won’t believe the date I just had (insert crazy story)” call.

But what happens when you meet someone who is nice, says all the right things, has plenty to offer, but you are just not that interested in?  You’re about to say goodnight and could just see it in their eyes; she’s hoping you will say you are going to call, that you want to meet up again, or you had a great time.  Is there any way to say goodbye without making the person feel bad?

There have definitely been a few times in my life where I was out with the nicest person ever, and felt so terrible at the end because they just weren’t a match.  Instead of being a man, I’d blurt out, “I’ll give you a call” like diarrhea of the mouth.  But what else do you say?  “See ya later!”  “I don’t think we are right for each other!”  “I didn’t have such a great time.”

Just saying goodbye feels so awkward.

Most people who look for help with online dating never think about problems like these.  But I pose the question to you all out there:  How do you end a date when you are just not that interested?

The question about not receiving a cell phone number and not hearing from a guy on the weekends made me think about girls who don’t get asked out for Prime Date Nights (PDN).

Meeting for a drink after work, or for lunch in the middle of the workday or for coffee on a Sunday afternoon is first date protocol nowadays. People don’t want to make a huge time commitment before they’re sure the other person is worth it.

Second dates can go either way. Ideally, Friday or Saturday night would be nice, but sometimes sooner rather than later is better and that may mean Thursday night, or Monday lunch or Wednesday Happy Hour. Try to feel out each other’s schedules before taking the time of the date too personal. If he mentioned he was going out of town or she mentioned she had a work conference, then accept the date you’re asked out on for the time being.

By the time the third date rolls around, if he’s still asking you out for the weekday or she’s still insisting on a weekend afternoon, then there’s definitely some commitment-phobia (or other sketchiness) going on. By the third date, PDN — that means a nice dinner out on Friday or Saturday nights — should apply.

PDN is often seen as a night people who are in relationships (i.e. those that are past the dating stage and are in the boyfriend/girlfriend stage) go out. It’s seen as a “serious” date night, automatically upping the ante from casually-getting-to-know-you to on-the-way-to-“commitmentville.” But if a girl is worthy enough of your time to continue going out with and getting to know than why not give her the respect of asking her out for a PDN?

By the third date it simply doesn’t make sense not to and there’s no longer any valid excuse. So, my advice is to casually mention that you have a busy week ahead of you and that you’re free Saturday night. If he doesn’t get the hint, then the blunt truth of the matter is that he probably is dating other people and has already given the PDN slot to someone else. That’s a tough fact to swallow, but it’s the current reality of dating and you should be filling your dance card, too. And if you still wants to date a guy after that, proceed with caution.

I’d like to start off my very first JBlog by saying welcome and thank you for viewing this page.  Since this is my first blog here I thought it would be a good idea to introduce myself, tell you all a little bit about who I am and what my goal with this blog will be.

My name is Joshua Pompey and I am an online dating consultant and enthusiast, as well as author of The REAL Online Game for the REAL Online Dater.  Why am I bringing this book up five seconds into meeting you all?  Don’t worry, this is not a shameless plug and I am not here to fill this great blog with annoying spam.  The reason I mention this is because developing “the real online game” is what I have focused the past 2 years of my life on.  For years I was a struggling online dater that failed to succeed with online dating no matter what I said, wrote, or tried.  Eventually, I figured out how to be highly successful but it was a long process that took me years of learning.  I bring this up because one of the things that I want to accomplish with this blog is help some of the struggling online daters that may not have met that special someone yet and are starting to lose hope.

Online dating is one of the greatest inventions ever.  Are there many better notions than going digital shopping for that perfect person any time you want?  However, at the same time, many of us often run into difficult times when things are not going as well as we hope they would.  There will always be ups and downs.

My goal with this blog will be to pick us up when we are feeling down, as well as celebrate all the good times and great stories that online dating brings.  Providing help and advice will be far from the only aspects of online dating that I will discuss.  I want to create a safe community where we can share ALL aspects of online dating in addition to random things going on in pop culture.  I have no shortage of topics that I would like to discuss, share, and help with.

If you have any suggestions for something you would like to hear about, let me know at any time.  I am here to serve and entertain you!

I swear I never have even the slightest hint of problems with my Internet except for when attractive, interesting women send me instant messages on 100hookup. It’s almost like the exact moment a beautiful woman types “Hi” that some higher dating authority decides to mess things up. I’m not joking, the last three times that a woman I was interested in talking with has instant messaged me, my Internet has inexplicably started freaking out.

Last night, out of the blue, an attractive 29-year-old blonde instant messaged me while I was reading a few emails and generally scanning the site. However, once I was connected with her and we began talking, my Internet decided to be a jerk. After only a minute or two of talking my connection started going in and out, which made it difficult to respond and know which of my responses were getting through to her. I tried to close and then reopen our chatting window but it was taking me forever to connect with her again.

Once our conversation finally resumed she suggested that we try talking over gchat since maybe my computer was having issues synching up with the 100hookup messaging system. This seemed like a good idea so I logged onto gchat and attempted to invite her to chat, but it just wouldn’t connect. After unsuccessfully trying several times to get the program to work I gave up on trying to make the conversation happen.

After the incident I was obviously frustrated since, due to how casual online dating is for some people, I didn’t know if I’d get the opportunity to talk with her again. This morning I have been trying to figure out what the best method to try to contact her would be and what to say, however I don’t think it really matters that much. In the end people either understand or they don’t, and this dictates whether or not they are willing to give things a second chance. Hopefully my run of bad luck with instant messaging is over, but if it’s not maybe this time I’ll get lucky in spite of everything and figure out a way to get a second chance with the woman from last night.