Archive for October, 2010

I have never been in a relationship with a hookup girl.  I actually have once, and it was my very first relationship, but I was really young and I was only one out of her four boyfriends at the time.  I wasn’t even mad about that.  I was just happy to be part of the team.  I mean, they were a really good looking group of guys.  She finally told me about them while crying at a New Year’s dance.  I was fine.  I just wanted to go to a racquetball court and make out some more (we were at the JCC).

Anyway, this whole post is now based on a lie, and I think it is deteriorating as I type.  Nevertheless, I will stand by my almost true claim that I have never been in a relationship with a hookup girl.  Actually, another girl that I dated was half hookup, and I don’t know if that counts.

Okay!  Aside from the two girls listed above, I have never been in a relationship with a hookup girl.  I don’t know why.  I didn’t do it by choice.  Though I wish I could handpick my girlfriends that option is usually not offered.  Men are all drowning in this enormous, smelly man-pool waiting to be pulled out by a girl that feels sorry enough for one of us.  I say ‘select few’ because, statistically, most girls are un-datable.  I am 27 years old.  At this age, about half of the women are married.  Of the half that aren’t, about ten percent are too good looking and thus way out of our league.  Another ten percent are crazy.  Also, about .07 percent are related to us.  So, realistically, we’re looking at roughly 29.93% of our demographic.  I gave up on the idea that I am in charge of who I date a long time ago.

All of my relationships have ended (obviously).  There is no good way to end a relationship.  Therefore, what I remember most from all of my past relationships are the horrible ways in which they ended.  If you’re in a relationship and the two of you aren’t married and haven’t been dating for more than three years, it is almost certainly going to end terribly.  Somebody is going to cry.  Furniture is going to break.  Electronics may or may not be smashed in with an aluminum baseball bat.  Neighbors are going to call the cops.  Severe depression will follow.  I think that ‘love’ is being in a relationship for over three years and still being alive.  Not ‘alive’ as in a hallucinogenic dream state of pure exhilaration, but ‘alive’ as in still breathing.

100hookup will save me.

Hey Tamar,

Can you please help me find someone beautiful that wants a serious relationship? Thank you……..!!!!!!!!

Dear Help Please!,

Looks like you’re helping yourself pretty well by #1 being on 100hookup and #2 writing me!  If you’re really serious about finding your Beshert, follow my previous tips regarding creating your profile and setting your preferences. Remember, set flexible standards and don’t limit yourself in area, age range, education, etc. It will help if you make your own Top 10 list and spend some quality time ranking the characteristics that are most important to you. The top 3-5 should be items that you’re not willing to negotiate about. Although attraction is important, it can be based on many things so make sure “looks” are not on that list! Only eliminate prospects based on those traits because chances are you will find yourself attracted to people who have your desired features. The next thing to make sure you have in your favor when trying to find your Beshert is your attitude. Be upbeat, positive, interesting and conversational. Ask questions and listen to the answers, let your date get to know you as well and don’t forget to smile! Finally, if you’re interested in meeting a 100hookup or seeing a date again, don’t hesitate to make it obvious or to make the plans yourself! Good luck!

About five years ago I received an email on 100hookup from another journalist. In the email he told me he was a local TV news anchor which is why his profile was pretty vague, lacking photos and some other pertinent information. We decided to meet for sushi and as soon as we sat down he dropped the bomb: he wasn’t hookup. He told me all his friends are hookup and they all married hookup women whom he found to be great wives and mothers and he wanted to marry a hookup woman himself. I was stunned. Never in a million years did I think that non-Jews would be looking on 100hookup. I mean, this guy wrote me an email which means he actually PAID for a membership and wasn’t just browsing for entertainment’s sake. I told him I was flattered on behalf of all hookup women, but that he should either mark on his profile that he isn’t hookup and willing to convert or, better yet, go to a non-religious dating website.

Since then I have heard endless accounts from people whom have met non-Jews via 100hookup and most are baffled by the predicament. Isn’t there enough chance of a Jew meeting a non-Jew during normal day-to-day life? I don’t love it, but as long as they are checking off the appropriate categories so people aren’t being deceived and know the full story and what they are getting into then I think it’s harmless. As long as everyone is being honest then it’s up to you to decide if you want to send an email or reply to an email from someone who isn’t hookup on 100hookup.

A friend of mine is a true online dating Guru. Over many months, through trial and error, he learned everything there is to no know about the world of online dating. Now that he is in a serious relationship (with a lovely woman whom he met online) he serves as a type of online dating consultant to those in need; such as myself (at one point in time).

When discussing possible topics I could write about for my upcoming 100hookup blog, he threw out the idea of a Q&A type blog but I didn’t really feel qualified to write it. Later in our conversation, I floated out the idea of me asking him a series of interview style questions that might offer some advice to readers, which he was open to and seemed excited about.

So, in a 100hookup Blog exclusive, I present to you a Q&A with my friend “The Online Dating Guru.”

Q: Is online dating right for me?

A: It’s your call. If you view online dating as a stigma then it’s probably not right for you. However, if you view it as a way to meet cute, cool, interesting people who are outside your normal sphere of influence then you’ll probably have a good time with it.

Q: What should I put in my profile?

A: Be yourself; talk about your interests and what you’re looking for in another person. It is better to seem incredible to 10 people than generic to 100.

Q: What about photos?

A: You don’t need to go overboard in this section. A few photos that show what you really look like, preferably having fun, will do the trick.

Q: What’s the best way to talk to someone for the first time?

A: IMs are usually the best and most straightforward approach. Winks also provide an easy way to gauge the other person’s interest level without seeming creepy.

Q: I want my first conversation with someone to be really, really, special; how do I make that happen?

A: You can’t. Get over yourself.

Q: I keep exchanging a few emails but my conversations seem to all end abruptly; what gives?

A: It’s either one of two things. Either you are being too passive and not pushing the conversation along, or you are pushing too hard and freaking people out. Try to use the natural flow of conversation to move things toward meeting each other, and trust your instincts on when it is time to ask the other person to meet.

Q: I went out on a really amazing date and never heard from them again; what the heck?!

A: It sucks. It will always suck when you have a good date and then the person disappears off the face of the earth. Try not to take it personally. You never know what other drama is happening in their life.

Q: Why am I doing this again?

A: Because you want to meet someone. Because you want to go on walks to coffee houses and discover mutual interest in the same trashy ‘80s bands and ‘90s movies. You want to have hour-long conversations about nothing and feel something during that first kiss; and the second kiss. And if you’re not doing it for those reasons then do it for your mother because she’d love grandkids one of these days.

I think that all of my tastes stopped evolving at age fourteen.  Though 1997 was great and it certainly had its highs (Los Del Rio, seeing Titanic for the first time, my first kiss), it also had unfathomable lows (Heaven’s Gate, my parents’ divorce, seeing Titanic for the second and all subsequent times).  I don’t know why I see it as a cultural or personal milestone that I had to preserve in my mind as a beacon of unequalled excellence.

Nevertheless, I don’t think that my likes or dislikes have changed since then, the Year of the Macarena.  My favorite food, in almost every cultural category, has been the same.  My dislike for cheese has remained deep-seated.    My dance skills are still awesome.  I still hope to one day ride in a spaceship.  I still like all the same music, movies, and television shows though new bands, movies, and programs have built on my tastes.  I still dislike coffee, and often ponder the existence of all hot drinks.  I still like girls.

I guess that once I started liking girls in more than just a procreative way, everything else sort of froze.  I have been stuck in a limbo-like youth state.  Maybe my life can continue maturing past age thirteen once I finally find someone that I want to spend the rest of my psychologically-stunted forever pre-teen life with.  Until then, I’ll be here, listening to The Nixons, chewing gum and drinking soda pop.

Dear Tamar,

I was just wondering if 100hookup has a way for me to correspond with people just for social networking, aside from dating. I’m 38 and single and many of my friends are in relationships. I’d be interested in networking with other women for socializing, going to singles event, etc… Thanks!

Dear Social Networking,

I think utilizing 100hookup to find single girlfriends to hang out with is a great idea! Although there aren’t specific ways to do so, my advice is to go to 100hookup events being held in your area and meet other girls in person. It’s definitely easier to go to hookup singles events with a buddy and there are, without a doubt, other gals on 100hookup whose friends are all married. I admit, I used to check out the other girls who would show up in the same searches as me and sometimes I would think to myself, “gee, we have a lot in common” or “wow, she looks like she would be a lot of fun to hang out with.” I never went so far as to email them, but I did think about it and I don’t think it would be wrong for you to do so.

I never told a girl that I loved her (outside of family and celebrities I’d met) until I was in college.  Up until then, I was too busy trying to win over members of the opposite sex to revel in the spoils of having won one.

I had to overcome a lot of obstacles to become who I was by age nineteen.  I was born both Texan and male.  Nothing was handed to me. I had to learn how to tell people that I was Texan and male at a very young age.  I couldn’t identify with my parents because my dad wasn’t born in Texas and my mom was not male.  It was not until the birth of my younger brother that I had a companion in shame.  I still remember what it was like to learn that The Rodeo didn’t exist all over the world.  I wanted to visit these places and meet people who hadn’t been corrupted by the horror of watching some helpless dude run away from a bucking bronco. (How is that entertainment?)

So when I got that text message that said “i luv u,” I returned the sentiment in a more grammatically correct way.  I had lost my love-ginity, and I felt like I had the right to say “I love you” to whomever I wanted.  I started telling every girl that I went out with that I loved her.  I told waitresses that I loved them.  I told the lady that activated my credit card on the phone that I loved her.  I was out of control.  I reached rock bottom and found myself telling my dental hygienist that I loved her through an electric spinning toothbrush and foamy toothpaste.  She stopped the toothbrush and asked, “What?”  I collected myself and realized what I’d said.  I think I had thought that I loved her because all I could see were her blue eyes and her arm smelled like antibacterial hand soap and flavored fluoride.  I replied, “What?  Nothing.”

I didn’t really love her, nor did I love the credit card activator or the waitresses.  I loved the freedom to express my love verbally; a freedom which I had abused.  You can’t find love by throwing “I love you” wherever you can and hoping one sticks.  You find love by training yourself to overcome inherited obstacles until someone finally falls in love with you first.

It’s funny because, no matter how old I get, or how many dates I go on, after a really good one I always call my friends afterward to tell them about it. I don’t care how guys are supposed to act after a date, or what is perceived as “playing it cool” because if I go out on a good date, I will call my friends after to talk about it like an excited schoolboy. I mean, as human beings, it is only natural that after we have enjoyable experiences, we feel a strong desire to share them with those closest to us.

Recently, I went out on a third date with a woman that I had met on 100hookup; on the first two we had gotten along really well and both had a good time. Since we had met for frozen yogurt on our first date, and gone out for sushi on the second, I wanted to do something a little different for our third date. After thinking about our options for a Wednesday night, I asked her if she was game for grabbing dinner at this offbeat pizza place and then going to an Improv club for a show.

She responded that she was “up for anything” and we agreed on a time that I would pick her up on my way back from work. The pizza place was just down the street from the club so we grabbed some macaroni and cheese pizza (delicious), and chicken fettuccini alfredo pizza (yummy), before heading over to the show. The first act was a little a hit or miss with the performance since they were a newer group, but the second team more than made up for it and was absolutely, side-splittingly, hilarious!

After the show we talked for a little bit before I dropped her off and we said goodnight. However, by the time she made it inside her building, I was already dialing a friend to talk about the date. Once we got off the phone I quickly dialed another friend and it was after we hung up that it dawned on me that my wanting to immediately call my friends after a date was a sign that I was excited because it had been really great.

Undoubtedly, other people have different subconscious indicators that tell them they had a fun time. If you don’t know what yours are then I encourage you the next few times you go out on dates to think about what were your immediate natural reactions afterward. Often times, after going out on date after date, we try to fool ourselves into thinking that a date went better than it did. However, it is in these situations when we can rely on our post-date indicator to keep us grounded in reality by telling us the truth about whether or not it truly went well.

Dear Tamar,

I’m wondering if I’m old-fashioned, have expectations that are too high, or if men these days are ignorant of courtship-know-how….or maybe all the above?  So many emails I receive from men seem like form letters (i.e. “we have so much in common”) with nothing personal to me, no mention of why they’re writing to me, what interests them about my profile or anything that would make me want to reply. It seems many men no longer think they have to do anything to please a woman or win her over. I’m not playing hard to get, but I do want to be courted. If I take the initiative and write first, I do what I’m asking for by making positive acknowledgements of things I resonate to in the man’s profile.  What feedback or suggestions can you give me on this issue? Thank you!

Dear Courtship & Communication,

I don’t blame you for wanting more from an initial email and for wanting to be courted. I feel very strongly about both men and women spending time to make sure an email is personal and personalized — otherwise why bother? I don’t believe that all hope is lost in the search for a man who still believes in courting a woman, but you will have to continue to sift through the rough to find the diamonds. (Many men probably feel the same about finding a real lady, by the way.) My advice would be to continue what you’re doing by practicing what you preach in your emails, but also to give some of the men a chance. As much as you’re frustrated, they are as well, which has led to them sending what may seem like form letters. Write these guys back and see if their follow-up email is any better. You have nothing to lose, right? Good luck!

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