Archive for August, 2010

Dating is unfortunately filled with games and rules, playing “hard to get” being the biggest, but rules are made to be broken and you can’t always be so frigid and rigid when you’re single and desperately seeking. That means if a guy doesn’t call within two days, you shouldn’t automatically write him off. Now, I don’t believe there’s ever a good enough excuse with cell phones being glued to our heads nowadays, but sometimes a great guy deserves a “pass.”

This “pass” only works if you’re not sitting by the phone waiting and checking to make sure the ringer is on so you haven’t missed a call, or keeping your cell on vibrate in your hand during a movie just in case. This “pass” only works if you’ve been so busy working, schmoozing and, yes, even dating, that you didn’t notice the extra few days that elapsed between the time he asked for your phone number in the last 100hookup email and when he actually dialed it. The hope is that the guy was just as busy living his own life as you were living yours so he didn’t call until he had sufficient time to dedicate to speaking with you. Decide if you want to give him that “pass” but don’t let him know that. Be that easygoing gal that every guy says he wants. But do make a note of it in the back of your mind because if it happens again then it’s a problem.

More rules that were made to be broken next week…

I am a food sharer. A sampler if you will who prefers, and usually insists, that at least one other person that I am enjoying a meal with splits it with me. Growing up my mom was the one who cleverly instilled in me the idea that if you are at a restaurant, where a bunch of things on the menu look good, you don’t have to be burdened with the difficult decision of choosing one singular item to order.

Instead, my mom opened my eyes to the idea that we could each pick one thing that we wanted and share so that we would, in actuality, get to try two different things. Thus far, this has turned out to be one of the most important and lasting lessons that my mom has taught me, since I attempt to follow this bit of wisdom every time I go out to eat.

While I’m not willing to definitively say whether or not someone who enjoys sharing or splitting food at restaurants is a “deal breaker” as to whether I will ultimately date them or not; it certainly helps. A couple of months ago I went out on a first date to a Mexican restaurant that I really liked, where there were two things on the menu that I had trouble deciding between. I figured that since she knew that I had been there before that she might ask for a suggestion or give an indication that she might be open to sharing.

She ended up not giving any clues as to her ordering preferences, but I did get lucky that she ended up requesting one of the dishes that I would have wanted to share. Upon hearing her order I quickly asked for the other dish, but once our food came I failed to inquire about sharing. Instead I opted to let it go since you never know what people’s preferences are going to be and simply ate only my food.

In spite of my disappointment in not sharing we still both had a fun time and decided to go out again. After having a first date where we didn’t share anything, we were once again at a restaurant in a food ordering situation for our third date.  After blankly staring at the menu wondering whether or not I should bring up the fact that I like to share food I was fortunate that she interrupted my thinking with a novel suggestion, “Do you just want to get two things and share?”

After letting out an obvious sigh of relief I told her of my affection for sharing food. She answered back that we should have shared on our first date since what we both ordered looked so good. After acknowledging her response we went on to have a conversation about how we both enjoyed sharing food for the exact the same reasons.  This once again proves that unless you let people know your tastes and preferences, whether they be for sharing food, eating a particular type of food or even something non-food related, you won’t have as many opportunities to share cool things in common.

Over the last year I have blogged for 100hookup, which has been a great experience me.  I’ve been able to self-reflect and memorialize some of my zany dating experiences…and there have been a few.  What have I learned?  I’ve learned to expect the unexpected and that you cannot control people or relationships.  You can only control your role, character and actions/reactions. But most of all, I’ve learned that life is precious and fleeting, and all the success in the world means nothing without great friends, family and that special someone who  makes your smile a little bigger to share.  In light of the recent Julia Robert’s movie, Eat, Pray, Love, I guess the most important lesson learned is to take a gamble because you just never know.  When all is said and done, you can feel comforted by having had a SWEETADVENTURE and no regrets.

Dear Tamar,

I’m having a hard time writing the “about me” section on my profile. I’m not really sure what to say. I want to sound interesting but at the same time also fun and cute. Can you help me on what I should say? Thank you!

Dear Profile Help,

My suggestion would be for you to start with making a list of your best qualities and a list of what you are looking for in your beshert. Now, many of these things are mentioned later in your profile in the fill-in-the-blank and multiple choice sections, so make sure you don’t simply repeat those things but expand upon them. Make sure your first line is catchy but not corny and make sure to mention things that make you unique and set you apart from the pack. Double check your grammar and spelling and make sure not to write too much, this isn’t your autobiography. You want to sound intriguing but leave them wanting more. Here’s an example:

I’m a 27-year-old journalist who loves having fun and being funny, even if it’s at my own expense! A guy who can’t laugh at himself is definitely not the right guy for me — and sarcasm is a plus! I like to go out but I also really enjoy a nice night just hanging out at home. I’m looking for a man to be my lover and best friend, a guy who will make me laugh every day, and someone who will bring out the best in me as I hope to do with him. I refuse to settle but am definitely realistic about my expectations. Oh, and a big bonus if you own the complete 10 seasons of Friends!

I had an eventful dermatologist visit last week.  I was inspired by the cutest elderly couple who have been married 70 years and still beaming with happiness. The Dr.’s Assistant also engaged in the “I can’t believe you are single” conversation.  Really, how is one supposed to answer this? This awkwardness was followed by her asking if she could set me up with a cute, nice, smart, Dr. What is a girl to do?  My response, “Sure, why not?” I’m single and open to meeting new people. I figure if the set-up is not the right match for me, I’ll simply recycle, and introduce him to my friends (isn’t being green trendy). I think we get used to shopping for relationships online, so a blind date actually feels a little strange because I’m at a disadvantage with a lack of information. But generally speaking, I feel confident if someone is going through the effort of introducing two folks, at a minimum the folks involved are usually good people. And who can’t use a new friend…

There is an art to starting a conversation with someone online. With so many males and females saturating the 100hookup community, simply plowing into a conversation through some sort of generic, vague opening line or email probably isn’t going to get a response, or at least not one with much substance. This same theory applies to IM conversations, where simply saying “Hi” doesn’t really ensure a substantial response. 

With so many people emailing and Instant Messaging each other every day, you have to put a little time and effort into how you open a conversation in order to increase your chances of getting a quality response, and progressing from there. If you are really looking to get to know someone, and potentially go out with them, then you have to a take a little time to read through their profile and look at what elements are attractive to you. You can then use what you’ve learned and include those items in an engaging email, or a clever opening line in an Instant Message.

Personally, I like to skim through women’s profiles and look for words or phrases that peak my interest, and then use them to formulate questions, where the responses will offer me more depth and insight into the other person. Additionally, I try to include a few things that we have in common, and then use those commonalities to interject pieces of information about myself which weren’t necessarily included in my profile. While everyone on 100hookup is looking for something different, and will respond uniquely to each person who approaches them, you can’t go wrong with a more personal approach.

I truly believe that people appreciate others who take a genuine interest in their lives, which usually helps them to lower their guard and open up about their own life and personality. Therefore, if you are like me, and are looking to send emails and Instant Messages with the intention of starting meaningful conversations, then please skip cranking out those same generic messages to every person who looks like they might loosely fit what you’re looking for and take a little extra time to read through their profiles and get to know something about them first.

Dear Tamar,

I’m ready to meet someone special and after a long period of self reflection, I’ve refreshed my 100hookup profile to try again.  My profile is packed with information and the best photos I have of myself. I’ve even recruited my good female friends, who know me well, to check my profile and make suggestions to show myself in the best light. My messages to other members are personalized, upbeat and I try my best to refer to something I find interesting in their profile, but I’m still getting almost no responses. It’s becoming discouraging and as my confidence is fragile, I’m losing heart fast. What else can I do to make a positive impact and encourage others to reply? I’d really appreciate some advice. Thanks.

Dear Back in the Game,

It sounds like you’re doing all the right things and have the right motivation, but patience and not letting rejection get the best of you are important traits to have in the dating game. You are getting some responses, so it’s not like your efforts are going unnoticed, but there are some things you need to be made aware of. For starters, if a 100hookup member is not a paid member that means she cannot access her mail and therefore, has no idea that you contacted her to begin with. Secondly, reassess your approach — are you coming on too strong too quickly? Did you repeatedly view, Flirt, Click!, Hot List, etc. before sending an email? Try using that approach first as it is similar to hitting on a girl at a bar (eye contact, smile, waiting for the hair flip, etc). Don’t give up hope and don’t stop trying — yes, you will get rejected but the more you try the better your odds will be at finding your beshert. Good luck!

• Instant Groat-ification Mixer for LA singles ages 45+ – buy tickets now & be 1 step closer to meeting someone special! https://cot.ag/az6Hgk #
• Alex proposed to Adrienne in the tropics and it's been heating up ever since! Enjoy the couple's @100hookup success story: https://cot.ag/8ZhFN3 #

Dear Tamar,

I met a new guy on Tuesday night and we liked one another…he asked me out for the following night, but I was busy so we scheduled a date for Saturday night. It’s Friday now and I haven’t heard from him. He had said we were getting together for sure on Saturday night so my question is, since he hasn’t called yet to make firm plans, should I call him or wait till he calls me? Thanks in advance.

Dear Second Date Dilemma,

As women we’re taught to believe that if we call a guy he’ll think we’re overly-aggressive and will scare him off. But, I say you have nothing to lose except plans with someone else on Saturday night. Go ahead and call him.  Be upbeat and cheerful and simply ask him casually if you are still on for tomorrow — but don’t turn it into a long conversation and don’t tell him you were nervous he was going to stand you up. If he doesn’t answer leave a message with the same question using a positive tone of voice. Chances are (I hope) that he felt the plans were concrete so he was going to wait until Saturday to discuss where to meet, etc. Guys can be a little dense like that and sometimes fail to realize that we ladies like to primp and prep, especially for a Saturday night — prime night — date. If he says no or doesn’t answer and doesn’t call you back, well that sucks, plain and simple. Hopefully he’ll call to apologize at which point you can decide if you want to give him a second chance, or he’s just a dud and you’ll remember that one awesome date, but I bet he just hadn’t gotten around to calling yet and that you will have an awesome date  tomorrow! Good luck!

It doesn’t feel good when someone doesn’t respond to your email, accept your invitation to chat via Instant Messenger, or call you after a first or second date, however, these are inevitable parts of not only the online dating experience but also dating in general. Over time, and through experience, we all might get better at letting these disappointments roll off our backs; however it is human nature to feel a sense of rejection in each of these situations. This feeling is the price we pay for putting ourselves out there, and giving ourselves a chance to meet someone special.

The alternative to this proactive approach is that we sit back and wait for someone to find us and sweep us off our feet, but is that really a likely scenario? Even if a more passive, “wait and see” approach was a viable option, does that really guarantee that we aren’t going to incur any negative feelings from the dating process just because the other person found us and put themselves out there first? With the ball in our court we still stand the chance that our response won’t be perceived well, either via email or on a first date, and that will abruptly end the interaction.

Furthermore, waiting around for people to contact you limits the number of people you meet, and leaves you at the mercy of those who randomly stumble across your profile. This is in stark contrast to someone who puts themselves out there by continuously looking for people that attract their interest, and then attempting to begin a correspondence with them, who in the process might run more of a risk of getting hurt or disappointed. But they also have a much higher chance of meeting a lot of interesting people and having an abundance of new experiences in the process.

Maybe my more proactive approach to dating isn’t the norm.  I know that guys are the ones who are typically supposed to take the lead in these types of situations, but I say regardless of your age, sex or past dating experiences that we all owe it to ourselves to embrace dating as a fun and unique challenge where each experience is different and an opportunity to develop into something great. So please don’t sit back and wait for the perfect situation to fall into your lap when you can take control by going out and finding it for yourself. Sure, along the way there will be some disappointments and agonizing moments, but there will also be ones of pure joy and satisfaction, which in my opinion makes it all worthwhile many times over.