This coming weekend is Shavuot, the hookup holiday that commemorates The Jews’ receipt of the Torah on Mount Sinai. This year, the holiday happens to start on a Saturday night, so I can think of no better way to celebrate than to bring a date to your local synagogue’s traditional all-night learning session. I mean, late night festivities, liquor, Torah? Whats not to love? Another way to celebrate is to think about what it means to be a member of the tribe that accepted the responsibility of the Torah, and in particular, because you’re a JBlog reader, how this responsibility relates to dating and relationships. Therefore, in honor of Shavuot, I present the Ten Commandments as they correspond to the laws of dating.

1) To thine own self be true.

The actual first commandment is about recognizing G-d’s role of Creator of the World and savior of the enslaved Jews. This is always true wherever you are in the world, and it may help you remember that YOU are not a god! But in the context of dating, it’s also important to remember that “I am my own person who takes responsibility for my behavior and feelings.” In other words, stay true to yourself, don’t be someone you aren’t, and own your actions.

2) Thou shalt have no other distractions before me.

While I totally condone seeing more than one person at a time during the early stages of dating, keep your focus on your present date! Don’t text, scan the room, or talk about other people when you’re on a date.

3) Thou shalt not take the name of anyone in vain.

Especially on the first few dates with someone new, be yourself, but try to avoid profanity or gossip. You don’t want to accidentally offend your date!

4) Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy.

I won’t tell the rabbi if you want to plan a date for Friday night. But, this commandment is about taking time to step away from constant communication and social media. Take a break from texting every other minute. Don’t stalk your new boyfriend’s Instagram pics. Get some rest and relaxation without your date, whether it’s on Shabbat or not, and nurture your other hobbies and friendships.

5) Honor thy father and thy mother.

This is applicable at any age or situation.

6) Thou shalt not murder.

Um, don’t murder your date. Or anyone. Or rather, thou shalt not be mean, spiteful, or overly negative – this will murder your reputation!

7) Thou shalt not commit adultery or cheat.

This is pretty self-explanatory – once you have established your exclusivity with someone, remain faithful.

8) Thou shalt not steal.

Don’t steal things, like money from your date’s purse when she’s in the bathroom, obviously. But also, don’t steal time. If you know someone definitely isn’t for you, don’t lead him or her on.

9) Thou shalt not lie.

Bearing false witness, the actual ninth commandment, is related to dishonesty. Lying is very unbecoming and hard to forgive – don’t do it! This includes false advertising on your profile, using deceitful photos, or otherwise misrepresenting yourself online.

10) Thou shalt not covet.

Someone else might look appealing to you, but remember that the grass is always greener on the other side, whichever side you’re on. If you can’t stop noticing other people, try to focus on your own insecurities. If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.

Happy Shavuot!

God was gracious enough to give us ten commandments years ago – guidelines which serve as a basis by which we can govern ourselves. Unfortunately, he neglected to include the dos and don’ts of dating among that list. Of course it’s no secret that this was done on purpose, something has to serve as holier-than-thou comic relief when the world gets to be too much, and how awesome for us that we’ve been nominated for that job (and no one in their right mind would turn down a job in this ridiculous economy).
So throughout history, guys and gals have endured relationships, often accompanied by several different shades of humility, in order to find “the one” in a world of what, six billion people? This trying task often lured even the purest at heart to indulge in any one of the seven deadly sins, hoping a walk on the wild side would lead them to their significant other.
So in pursuit of Mr. Right, chicks over the years have followed unrealistic guidelines that make fad dieting seem more successful, and for what!? Because someone else says they work? I’m pretty sure my absolute favorite example of this masochistic method is “The Rules” that came out years ago, urging girls to follow guidelines in order to snare someone. Hell, if it were as easy as listening to someone else, hookup girls would all be married thanks to their I-know-everything hookup mothers! And I’m pretty sure that book is responsible for directly defiling the eleventh commandment – “Thou shalt not make false promises.”
So what it comes down to is, you do what feels right to you. The vintage among us gals will wait ‘til said boy asks for their number, the more daring darlings will just ask for theirs – and not because that’s what the newest New York Times bestseller list says, but because that’s what feels right for them. When it comes to commanding love and its deadly counterpart lust – there are no guidelines a gal can follow to make sure she meets her match (hence the tragicomedy of said search for HRH’s viewing pleasure – now available on demand for the creator’s convenience).
I have girlfriends that govern their love lives by rules at a 180 degree difference from my own, and it works for us. Of course, here in the City of Angels, anything goes, but that’s the fun in finding “the one” – you get that one puzzle piece that fits – or you just get tired of hammering the wrong one into place after a while. The point being, if Palin would like another list of books to ban – I can go ahead and recommend a few that cause more grief than good. Life without set rules seems so much more fun! And concealed commandment twelve clearly states “thou shalt not heed stupid advice,” and who are we to defy such revelations? After all, Adam and Eve never adhered to such stupidity, and even though they got evicted, they were fairly happy with each other – homeless and all. So ignore the apple, it doesn’t fit in with your Atkins lifestyle anyways. The Rules were meant to be broken.