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Mar 1

When Life Gives You Lemons…

by JeremySpoke under Success Stories

You’re up all night urinating.

A good measure of a man is how he handles a bad situation, and if that was the only measure of me as a person, I would be the human equivalent of a Comcast customer service representative.

Everything brings me down. I can’t make lemonade out of anything! When life gives me lemons, sugar, and water, I throw it back at you and punch you in the face. Every minor setback is a year-long uphill battle out of a hole that I never completely climb out of. If I get in a fender bender, don’t try to talk to me for at least two weeks. My bumper has a slight scratch on it that may have been avoided if the guy in front of me had decided to not stop suddenly for no reason! I can’t have any of that!

So today, when I realized that the button had fallen off of my boxers, that was it. My day ended at 9 am. I couldn’t focus on helping people… and walking… and opening doors… and whatever else my routine requires when there’s no button on my underpants! Where is this button? Did it fall out in the wash? Am I wearing somebody else’s underwear? If so, why do they have my name inscribed on the side? And if somebody else has my name, how do they have access to my home? So I called my locksmith, because apparently I have my own locksmith, and this joke scenario is now over.

If I could only move on from minor setbacks, I would be so much better of a person. However, it is always an uphill battle, and setbacks are always going to happen. Some people just roll with it: “Alright, so there’s no button on my boxers? I’m running for president tomorrow, son!”

I just need every possible thing in my life to go right for the rest of my life. But really the only way for that to happen is to react positively to the things that don’t.

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Jul 26

Why We Fall

by JeremySpoke under Online Dating,Single Life

I had really underestimated my enemy. So after I was severely injured and thrown into that pit somewhere in the Middle East, I knew there was no way out. However, with the help of the creepy old clairvoyant man with the glass eye, that other guy, and a lot of push-ups, I learned that I could climb my way out if I wanted it badly enough. I eventually got out of that pit and saved the world and had sex with women and stuff.

However, if that scenario had ever happened to me, I would have writhed on the ground with my broken back until I eventually starved to death. Plus I have no health insurance. Those Afghani pit-prison doctors are real penny pinchers. If they hang me from a rope and kick me in the back, which apparently instantaneously cures broken spinal cords, my deductible will be through the roof, which I apparently will not be, because I will still be stuck underground.

I really need to make sure that I incur no serious injuries without health insurance. If I do, I need to make damn sure there are no giant pits in the ground that super villains, aware of my lack of health insurance, could throw me into. I actually do have health insurance, ladies. I needed to say that I didn’t for that joke. I realize that almost nobody will understand the reference, and if they do, they will still not laugh because it is not funny.

I’m not good at bouncing back from setbacks. When my camera got stolen like five years ago, I freaked out and eventually deteriorated in my bed for three weeks until I couldn’t move from hunger, and couldn’t eat because I couldn’t move. When I wrecked my car four years ago, I couldn’t bring myself to start the process of buying a new car until it got to the point where I tried to walk to the grocery store on a hot day, and collapsed because I was still malnourished from being underfed due to the camera incident a year earlier.

I’m making  a slow improvement in my ability to hold my own when I’m with women. About a week ago I graduated from many first dates to my first second date in a very long time. Although the third date was called off, and I’m still recovering from that, I think that that was a good confidence builder. Starting tomorrow, I’m going to exclusively wear tuxedos, a top hat, and a pocket watch, and walk around telling women to fetch me things. This is an upward linear trajectory, and I do not see how it can fail.

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