We all like to say that we don’t care what other people think about us, but when tested you’ll soon find that you’re not immune to being affected by what others say. In dating, this can have a huge effect on your psyche and self-esteem. When you walk into a bar, event or schmoozer everyone is going to look to see who came through the door. And then they’re going to judge you. They will judge you for being beautiful, for being confident, for being sexy, for all the negative opposites, but most importantly they’re going to judge you for taking attention away from them and for being competition.

Try to not let negativity get to you when you’re at a singles event because it won’t help. That said, try not to make negative judgments either. A hater is the worst. Such a turn-off. Do you know what an attractive quality is in someone? Someone who can acknowledge a positive in their competition, be it their looks, personality or outfit.

Dear Tamar,

What’s up with these men who show interest in me but don’t act on it? I admit, sometimes I need to be a little more aggressive, yet there’s a fine line because some men do not care for that. Then there are some perfect matches, but there’s no contact. I had a lot of success receiving emails and follow through emails in the past so this is turning out to affect my self esteem. Any advice?

Dear Self-Esteem Smashing,

Dating is tough on the ego. The old saying “whatever does not kill you will only make you stronger” comes to mind. Telling you to be resilient would be the understatement of the century. You’re going to go through dry spells but you’ll only come out the other end if you stick with it and keep your positive mentality intact. Believe me, I know it’s tough. I went through times of despair when I would take breaks, but simply put — and you know this — you’re not going to meet someone if you give up first. Remember not to take it personally. You’re not going to be everyone’s type just like not every guy is your type, even if you do seem to match up on paper (or rather, on screen). Try to widen your net and see if there are other guys out there who may not seem like a perfect match but have just as great traits (or better!).

Oh. My. Goodness. Why do women insist on wearing the skimpiest little outfits to 100hookup and other hookup singles events? I have witnessed woman after woman wearing the tightest, shortest, sheerest outfits I’ve ever seen. Skinny, average, overweight, tall, medium, short, nearly every woman walked in looking like she had only bought half the dress and left the rest on the rack. I so very much appreciate their confidence, but I think it’s actually masking insecurity.

I watched as these women kept readjusting their tops as their dresses fell, pulling down their skirts as they rode up on the dance floor- I saw way more than I ever asked for. Not only did they look ridiculous but, needless to say, they were uncomfortable, as well. Of course, the men weren’t complaining. But what these ladies didn’t realize is that the men weren’t looking at them with the “That’s my future wife, I want to marry her” look in their eyes. No, they were thinking something very different, thoughts that didn’t include respect or commitment. All the women saw, however, were eyes on them and the attention they were receiving, not realizing if it was positive or negative.

I’m not saying women should dress like nuns in order to be taken seriously as marriage material. I’m just saying to put a little more thought into how you’re representing yourself. You’re obviously going to a 100hookup event because you’re hookup and single and looking to mingle, so why not dress a bit more, say, unadventurous, but less, say, provocatively? Think about the thought that goes through your mind when you see a girl on the dance floor shaking her tushie while wearing what adds up to about two band-aids worth of material. You would look at her with disgust in your eyes while being appalled by the taste of all the men checking her out. Don’t become that girl. Show respect for yourself by dressing elegantly. A sexy dress is actually sexier when it covers more skin rather than less. Leave something to the imagination.

Being sexy, showing your feminine side or showing some skin for that matter, doesn’t make you un-marry-able; that’s not what I’m saying. But when you’re single and looking to find your Beshert, just think twice about what you’re putting on when you’re getting dressed and about the kind of message it will send. When you’re looking for something to wear to a 100hookup event, or even on a 100hookup, make sure you’re comfortable and confident. That combination is what makes a woman sexy!

Like many people in our society, I put a lot of time and effort into my appearance, particularly when I am meeting new people and trying to make a good first impression. A couple of months ago I went out on a first date with a woman that I had met on 100hookup, and put a lot of time and care into my appearance since I was nervous and excited about meeting her.

From her pictures I could see that she was attractive so I wanted to present myself in the most appealing light. I fussed with my hair to the point where each strand was exactly how I wanted it and took great care in selecting my outfit. Even though I am someone who is generally very hard on myself, I had been so meticulous in getting ready for the date that even I had to internally admit that I looked good. As a result of my extensive preparation I showed up for the date that night feeling very composed, which helped me remain confident and relaxed throughout the evening.

Recently I have been planning dates for during the week, and therefore have been going straight from the office to the date; I haven’t had the time or opportunity to make myself look as pretty as I did for the date I discussed above. This being said, last week I made a plan to have a first date with another woman that I had met on 100hookup and was very excited about meeting her and going to dinner. My plan was to schedule dinner for a time that was not only reasonable to eat at, but would also allow me enough time after work to change and freshen up.

Regrettably, this plan went to you-know-where when work ran late and I ended up throwing on some clothes and racing out of the office. Even though I had pushed back our meeting time by over an hour, and had shown up looking tired and disheveled, she was very understanding of the situation and didn’t appear to hold it against me. Since, by the time I arrived, it was too late for even a “late dinner,” we decided to just walk around her neighborhood and grab some frozen yogurt, which ended up being really nice.

It’s funny because, as I was driving to meet her, I was very aware of the fact that I didn’t look and feel my best. Even so, I kept telling myself that I needed to relax and just be myself in spite of my appearance. By the time I met her I had calmed myself down and actually felt much more relaxed than I had on previous dates, probably because I hadn’t spent so much time preparing and building it up in my head.

Even though I probably didn’t look as out of sorts as I felt, the way I perceive myself in a given situation is ultimately half the battle in my being confident. Fortunately, for me, I was able to relax during our date and make a good enough impression to schedule another date for this upcoming week. I suppose in a lot of ways it feels good that even though I didn’t look or feel my best we still had a nice time and she wanted to go out again. Hopefully, this situation will have taught me to put a little less emphasis on deriving self-esteem from my appearance and more from how I am able to project myself and my best qualities.