King of the Douches
by JeremySpoke
under Single Life
Hanukkah season means that some sort of hookup singles get-together with a clever name like the “Bagel Ball” or the “Festival of Pints” is coming as well. Okay I totally made that second one up, but isn’t it already a better name than the first?
As a single, I have grown to hate these things. I always end up going because I’m dragged by a friend. They are always populated exclusively by people that went to my high school. If you’re not still friends with someone who went to your high school, there’s a reason. You just don’t want to see these people. Yet you expose yourself to them every year. Aside from the people there that you already dislike, you can’t talk to anyone else because it’s always extremely dark, loud, and overcrowded. Two years ago, I drunkenly swore to myself that I would never go again.
Then I lost eighty pounds. I had to show these douches how awesome I looked. And again, I’ve found that I somehow talked myself into going. However, if I’m going to be among these douches again, I was going to be the biggest douchebag of them all. That is the only way, I figured, that they would respond. I subsequently decided to be prepared this time. Yes, I was now thin, but that is not enough. I bought a really tight-fitting Abercrombie shirt. I bought smaller pants. I bought three bottles of Axe® body spray. That is not hyperbole. I bought three. I also decided to use the hair product that the hot lady cutting my hair convinced me to buy a few weeks earlier. I was ready.
Immediately upon entering the Bagel Ball, I realized why I hated The Bagel Ball. The loud music. The overcrowding. The general aura of douchebaggery emanated from every wall of this club that very ironically used to be a funeral home. Despite my newly found thinness and penchant for Axe® body products, I could not possibly take on this mountainous endeavor sober. I looked over to the bar, and it was packed full of people. People I purposefully spend most of my life avoiding.
Despite my disdain for my environment and lack of any sustainable level of alcohol, I was approached by people who would not have talked to me in years past. Granted, though most of these people were men, I took is as a win. For one brief moment, I was finally King of the Douches.
Also, I told a friend that I had, over the years, slowly grown feelings for her. This was a completely separate thing from the Bagel Ball. This whole post was written so I wouldn’t have to talk about this.
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