For those reading this who do not live in Texas (or Memphis where they have a Kosher BBQ cook-off) the Kosher Chili Cook-Off is a big deal in Dallas, Austin and Houston. Around 50 teams in Dallas and 20 in Austin prepare diligently, starting at 8am. They cook for hours, and won’t stop till the final vote is cast at 3pm to make sure they make the best chili and procure the most amount of votes. One kosher ingredient can make all the difference.

Every team starts with the same amount of meat, around 18-22 pounds of it, unless, of course, you happen to be on a vegetarian team. What ingredients you use next is up to you, just as long as it stays kosher. Many people spend days searching for the perfect recipe and then working out the math to make sure the amount of other ingredients correlates to the amount of meat provided. There are certain rules of chili cook-offs to abide by, like don’t cook all the meat at once, and don’t put all the jalapenos in at once, so children and the elderly don’t burn their mouths eating it. You win with a combination of great chili and a personality that endears you to the general public.

Dating is the same way. Regardless of what you think, everyone starts on the same plane, with the same amount of meat (relatively). It’s the ingredients, and your presentation, that make all the difference. Everyone buys vegetables, and chili powder, and some cumin, but what else? What sets you apart? For the chili example, our team used Dr. Brown’s Cream Soda and pineapple, giving it a tangy taste, combined with the loads of spice we put on there. Additionally, we managed to be a highly personable team, conversing with literally everyone that came by our tent and screaming wildly after someone put their vote in our bowl.

What makes you different when it comes to the dating scene? Sure you may workout five times a week, graduated magna cum laude from some school that starts with H and ends with “arvard,” and spent your childhood playing polo on the weekends with Bill Clinton, but what else? You certainly have some solid ingredients, but which one stands out when you play the dating game? When people think of you, is the aftertaste in their mouth, “Oh, he’s just a polo player from Harvard” or “He’s an engaging guy with an interesting background that not only includes that weird game called polo, but he also has tried every item on the McDonald’s dollar menu.”

Dating and the chili cook-off. You have the ingredients, so how do you combine them to achieve the best possible result?

I am sure that there is advice floating around somewhere on how to properly conduct a date using as little money as possible.  Though I certainly am not an expert, I have been on enough dates with little to no money, and have carefully weighed the good outcomes with the bad.  Having never experienced anything close to a good outcome when dating on a budget, I will now propose my hypothesis:  Do not go out on a date if you have little to no money.

This may sound harsh, but it is no harsher than having reality kick in halfway into you and your date’s Extra Value Meal.  This is not a knock against McDonald’s.  McDonald’s is great food to eat while sitting in your car alone. However, if not in your car or not alone, please stay clear of McDonald’s wondrous assortment of treats.  Nothing hurts more than watching your date throw her McFlurry® onto the ground before stomping past the indoor playground and drink station before storming out the doo Dates are expensive.  Even when on a budget, you may not realize how much money you are spending.  If she lives more than five miles away, that’s at least a quarter gallon of gas.  Counting the round trip to her place, and the restaurant, that’s about $4 in gas.  If she lives further than five miles away, you should seriously reconsider all of the qualities of the person that you are about to shower in cash.  When she gets in the car, she will probably enjoy cold air conditioning as well as my employment of the brake and accelerator so as to not hit anything or anyone.  This all takes a toll on how much gas is consumed.

Of course, if you are dating on a budget, you may not have a car at all.  If you live in a suburban environment and do not have a car, this blog should not be your first deterrent to going out on a date.  Instead, you should have acquired years of public shame and misery before knowing for sure that you should not go out with anybody.  If you live in a sprawling suburban environment, and do not own a vehicle, you have two options.  The first option is to let her pick you up and drive you around.  This should not be an option to any person who thinks and feels. The second option is to not go out at all.  This option works much better when trying to not be humiliated.