We all have dating patterns — some good and some bad. Identifying which is which is difficult. Take a look at your last bunch of first dates, and at your last few relationships. What was similar? What was different? Not just their looks, or education level, or religious level, or jobs, or even their personality… but how you felt.

For instance, when you got those butterflies in your stomach on certain dates, did those translate into serious relationships or did the excitement crash and burn after a few weeks? Many people are searching for a “feeling” on a first date, and when they don’t get that feeling they write off the person before giving them a chance. If that is your pattern, then I suggest giving some of the dates more time: if the first date was pretty good and all you’re really missing is that “feeling” then go on a second date and see if the comfort level of another meeting will help the connection.

This is an intangible feeling, but we tend to put a strong weight behind having it or not. Remember though — more couples tend to be successful when their relationship is built on commonalities rather than lust; and butterflies tend to be an indication of lust.

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An interesting article ended with the following (edited for brevity) stanzas:

Hot is admired from afar; beauty is to be held.

Hot is perception; beauty is appreciation.

Hot is smokey-eyed; beautiful is bare-faced.

Hot is an appearance; beautiful is more than skin deep.

Hot is a strong appeal; beautiful is strong mind.

Hot is youthful; beautiful is ageless.

Hot is conventional; beauty is unique.

Hot is a state of being; beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Hot is a text message; beautiful is a love letter.

Hot is a facade; beautiful is a woman.

It sometimes is difficult to separate lust from love, but if you can describe what it is about a person that you are attracted to, and determine if it would land in the “hot” or “beautiful” column, then you may be closer to making the differentiation. The article is basically asking if you are looking at your date — in this case a woman — as a sexual object or with respect? Do you love how she looks more than who she is? Think about it.

“When you start to really know someone, all his physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in his energy, recognizing the scent of his skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to “own” it. You can love it with your eyes and body, but not your heart. And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, any physical imperfections disappear, becoming irrelevant.”

-Bestselling author Lisa Unger

We’ve all heard the line “beauty is only skin deep,” but as author Lisa Unger so eloquently writes in the quote above, once we get to know someone beyond the surface, only then can we fall in love with them. Until then it is only lust. Dig a little deeper before you find yourself falling too hard, too fast. You may not like what you find underneath. Or you may discover what true love is once you get past appearances.

Meeting someone whom you click with is the most thrilling and exciting feeling. Finally, right!?

Like many people, you have probably gone on so many dates, and have been disappointed so many times, that you are elated when the conversation, commonalities, and chemistry are all there! (The 3 Cs!) So elated, in fact, that you are in a daze. Dazed because information about your new match that you normally would see as a turn-off or a game-ender are things you may now be making excuses for… and may even be willing to accept. Confused because you know better, yet you can’t help yourself; you’re smitten.

Nothing anyone will say will make you see the situation differently. Everyone has this experience in the game of love. Don’t apologize for happily dating — just try not to be blinded by lust.

Do you have a type? I’m not talking about tall, dark and handsome but assholes, jerks, and players. Of course, you don’t see them as bad boys… but they are. Chances are, you are not going to change them or transform them or get them to settle down. Someone will, but chances are it’s not you. Could it happen? Sure. But don’t keep dating douchebags just so you can finally succeed in this quest to fix a man.

So when you get your heartbroken over and over and over, maybe it’s time that you take a step back and see what these guys had in common and why you are attracted to that type. Do you not feel like you deserve better? Yes, you need attraction but you also need to be treated with love and respect. Try to date against type and see if the attraction could grow rather than going for a guy where the relationship is built upon lust.

Sure, everyone wants both, but if you can’t have both which would you prefer – spice or nice? What I’ve discovered is that you want your spouse to be a good person, a nice person. Do you need to be drooling over your spouse in 25 years? No, you need to be with a spouse who will be wiping your drool in 50 years instead. If there’s still physical and sexual attraction when you’re old and wrinkled then that’s absolutely amazing! But more often than not, looks fade. You need to have created a connection that is deeper than skin. When you’re fighting and not getting along and life gets in the way, you need to have something that will bind you together. Spice isn’t the ingredient you’ll need.