So you’ve met this girl or guy. You like him or her, but you don’t know if they like you. You know where they work, live, play, and hope for a Hollywoodesque chance meeting at the local coffee shop where you can compare your latte orders and hopefully pick up a number. You want them to like you, but you also don’t want a restraining order against you a month after you meet them.

Given this situation, how do you properly “stalk” someone in a way that enables you to form some kind of relationship?

First, be nice. It’s a simple quality that goes a long way. It’s a “hi, how are you doing?” when you see them again. If you’re a guy, it’s even opening the door to a building if you walk in at the same time. However, being nice just doesn’t include the person you are after, it’s respecting the people around them when in a group setting. Show respect to their friends, and even random strangers who happen to be in the conversation. That way, the next time you run into your crush in a group setting, her friends will remember that initial niceness you showed them, and you’ll rank a little higher in their book.

After the initial niceness, it’s having the ability to make conversation. As outgoing and gregarious as I am, I have a slight tendency to act extraordinarily awkward around girls I like, rendering my conversational skills to zero. Once again a simple ,”Oh, I’m excited for this event “, or “hey, how was work today?” or “I really thought Shaniqua was going to get the rose on the season finale of the Bachelor” conveys a lot without making the person feel uncomfortable.

People go on dates with those they feel comfortable around and find intriguing. Yes, persistence is a nice trait to have, and telling your crush’s friends you like him/her may make them smile for a bit, but actions speak louder than words. I could be the greatest romantic in the world, but if I’m not a nice person, who’s going to actually want to date me, or even better, hope for a chance meeting in the local coffee shop?

If just one other person in the world can identify with me on this very specific problem, I would feel a lot better about most aspects of my life. When I get an email titled ‘One of these 100hookuprs® is your Secret Admirer!’, I immediately shift into desperation mode. I have to know who my secret admirer is, at all costs. If you don’t know how this process works, every once in a while, 100hookup will send you an email with like five 100hookup profiles attached to it. You are told that one of these five people has a crush on you. In order to know who it is, you have to say that you have a crush on the same one that likes you. Of course, most people would probably go ahead and pick the one or two women on this list they are interested in. I blitz the email by ‘secret admiring’ (not at all a verb) all five women listed, regardless of whether I like them or not. I have to find out who likes me. Somebody likes me? I must know who. Now.

I then sit and wait for the email telling me which woman it is that likes me. I stop whatever I was previously doing (crying, not returning phone calls) and sit perfectly still facing the wall. I turn off the television and stare at my smart phone, praying that I don’t momentarily lose Wi-Fi just in case that is the exact moment I find out what women is in love with me. Damn you modern technology. Do not deny me true love. Once I do get the email, it is always the woman whom I am the least interested in. Well that is a disappointment that I was completely prepared and ready for. Now I can go to bed, safe in the knowledge that I will die alone.

Nirvana has only reached icon status because Kurt Cobain died before he lived long enough to become the villain. If he were alive today, Nirvana would be on a level equal to that of Pearl Jam. Their newer material would be largely irrelevant, save for maybe a cover song and another acoustic one. Cobain would be seen as an old man desperately clinging to what he may have been two decades ago.

For this metaphor to work, you are going to have to excuse the fact that I just wanted to say how much I dislike Nirvana, and it really has nothing to do with anything else I have or ever will write. However, I think that my ‘Nirvana’ example relates directly to the following point. If you want to tell a longtime friend that you have feelings for her, be sure to do it in person, because otherwise what are you doing?

Don’t wait until you are so deep into the friend zone that the exit door has been locked ever since seven years ago when she finally decided to hold your hand at the movies and you let go of her and awkwardly slapped her in the face. If you don’t tell her soon after first meeting, the absolute worst thing you could possibly do would probably fall under the category of slapping her in the face, or really anywhere.

What I’m trying to say is do not ever slap women, even jokingly.

Also! If you have been too scared to tell a good friend that you have feelings for her, and you’re already in the friend zone, and you have to tell her how you feel, do it in person. Do not do it via anonymous email. First, and most importantly, if you send an anonymous email to somebody, there is a good chance that either they will think it is spam and not read it, or their email provider will automatically categorize it as such. However, if you do send an anonymous love letter, when signing up for your new phony email address, be sure to not fill out your actual name under where it says ‘Name’. The reason for this warning should be obvious, and I really wish I had thought about that before I sent it.

So my ‘anonymous’ email turned out to be very nonymous. For all of the reasons described above, I have not yet heard back.

All these holiday parties give you ample opportunity to meet someone and start off the new year on the right path — in a relationship! Every community has their annual parties and 100hookup has taken many cities by storm with their celebrations, so take advantage. First, buy your tickets and GO! If you’re single, there is no excuse NOT to go! Even if you’re not in the city you reside in, there is still a party you can find. Next, dress to impress. Look your best! Finally, here are some great ways to start a conversation: if there’s a photographer at the party, grab him and ask him to take a photo of you — then go find your crush and set it up to make it look like the photog wanted a pic of you two. Then ask the photographer if you guys can see the pic and comment on how good you look together! This opens the door to exchanging names and so on. The photographer will more than likely post the photos on Facebook at which point you can tag yourself, wait for your crush to tag him or herself and then you can add each other. The same for parties with a photo booth. If you start talking to a crush, grab him or her plus the props and go have fun! This will allow your crush to see your fun side. Most of these booths spit out 2 copies of the photos, so grab them both and write your name and number on the back of one and give it to your crush. Using the free drink tickets, you can “buy” your crush a drink and joke over how much it cost you — just make sure to tip the bartender generously! Not only is it polite, but it’s impressive! Look for every opening and take every opportunity to start a conversation with someone new.

Watching a friend go through a bad break up is like a train wreck – it’s terrible but you can’t seem to look away. So what do you do when your crush turns into a crash? Good question. The simple solution is to pimp the victim out in the hopes that a distraction will help them move on quickly from the scene of the accident. Of course, residual effects will inevitably surface and suddenly they are screaming in pain from a delayed reaction to the pain of the accident. So perhaps the hit-it-and-quit-it method is not the best way to go. There’s of course the eat-yourself-to-sanity method, but given the uncertainty of the timeline you may jeopardize your chances of any future flame by packing on the pounds. My favorite method is the “work furiously at the gym” scenario; however the elliptical can have you feeling like a hamster on a wheel in no time. So have a drink and dive right back into the deep end, there’s no time like the present. Most importantly, breathe and be there for your friends and help them through the post-traumatic-stress ordeal. You could be the next one to crash and burn.